Category Archives: healing

One day … See You On The Other Side

Where does the time go?!  Why do some things never get any easier with time?  Why does my heart ache so?  Why does my anxiety level just skyrocket this time of the year? This weekend is so hard already for me.  Was in NYC and every time I heard a siren, I found myself nearly jumping off the sidewalk.  Too much sadness in the world.  So much on the news.  Sunday will mark 15 years since 9/11 terrorist attacks.  My life the past 22 years since my brother died in 1994, followed by my Dad’s passing in 1998 and then my fiance’s death on 9/11/2001- has been a long journey of loss, worry, depression, grief, anxiety, failure and slowly healing.  Each death, each loss, each time – something about my life changed and I lost pieces of myself.

Time does not fully heal all wounds.  I may still be broken, and my heart remains shattered…but it still beats and for that I am grateful.  The past few years of heartbreak and loss have also shown me much compassion and gratitude, and strengthened my faith. Some of my fear has diminished and I have more clarity, focus, determination to live fully for them.  I have found some peace.  Grief doesn’t end for me; doesn’t go away…but it does change.  Times like this weekend stir too many memories – good and bad.  Sadly, so many people believe that my grieving is a sign of weakness – but they are wrong.  Some people believe I lack faith – but they are also wrong.  My grieving after all these years is a testament to the love I shared with these men in my life.  The price I pay each and every minute, of every single day for loving them; for allowing their love to be a part of me.  So I don’t care if people think I am weak or mad.  I have had magic in my life and there is still fire in my will.  My brother, my Dad, Michael, my forever heart – they don’t just cross my mind, every once in a while – they live in it.  Always loved, forever missed.  In laughter and in sorrow, in sunshine and in rain – I know they are watching over me… my very own Angels in Heaven… until we meet again.

Grief is my shadow – following me everywhere I go.  Pain is manageable, dulled by my memories.  Ache is constant, made more hollow with sadness.  But then love and compassion fill me with light and hope.  Sunshine comforts me.   Some days I allow myself to just exist, no pressure and I get through it without guilt. I am able to find peace in moments of time, where I move forward, slowly with grace in my step, hope in my heart and smile through my tears.    Just breathing.

This song gets me each and every time … Ozzy Osbourne – “See You On The Other Side”:

Voices, a thousand, thousand voices
Whispering, the time has passed for choices
Golden days are passing over, yeah

I can’t seem to see you baby
Although my eyes are open wide
But I know I’ll see you once more
When I see you, I’ll see you on the other side
Yes, I’ll see you, I’ll see you on the other side

Leaving, I hate to see you cry
Grieving, I hate to say goodbye
Dust and ash forever, yeah

Though I know we must be parted
As sure as stars are in the sky
I’m gonna see when it comes to glory
And I’ll see you, I’ll see you on the other side
Yes I’ll see you, I’ll see you on the other side

Never thought I’d feel like this
Strange to be alone, yeah
But we’ll be together
Carved in stone, carved in stone, carved in stone

Hold me, hold me tight, I’m falling
Far away. Distant voices calling
I’m so cold. I need you darling, yeah

I was down, but now I’m flying
Straight across the great divide
I know you’re crying, but I’ll stop you crying
When I see you, I see you on the other side
Yes. I’ll see you. See you on the other side
I’m gonna see you. See you on the other side
God knows I’ll see you, see you on the other side, yeah

I’ll see you. See you on the other side
I’m gonna see you. See you on the other side
God knows I’ll see you, see you on the other side, yeah
I wanna see you, yeah, yeah, yeah, see you on the other side
God knows I’ll see you, see you on the other side, yeah
I’m gonna see you. See you on the other side

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“I Am Yours”

I needed this song today ….reminder that God is ever present.  He sent us this beautiful singer whose voice is purely graced with a gift.  Angels shine His love onto our darkness.


I see Your fingerprints
The work of Your hands
It’s all in Your hands
I see the evidence
Leaving nothing to chance
The world’s in Your hands

So I rest in Your promises
Now I am sure of this
I’m Yours

Let the waters rise
I will stand as the oceans roar
Let the earth shake beneath me
Let the mountains fall
You are God over the storm
And I am Yours

I hear the voice of love
Calling me home
To where I belong
It cripples every fear
And the ones who will kneel
Will walk away healed

So I rest in Your promises
Now I am sure of this
I’m Yours
No power is strong enough
To separate me from Your love
I’m Yours…

So let the waters rise
I will stand as the oceans roar
Let the earth shake beneath me
Let the mountains fall
You are God over the storm
And I am Yours

Even the thunder and the wind obey
At the command of my Father, Father
I set my feet upon Your mighty name
So let the rain fall harder, harder

So take my everything, my flesh and blood
I’ll lay me down on the altar, altar
I am forever covered in Your love
So let the rain fall hard

So let the waters rise
I will stand as the oceans roar
Let the earth shake beneath me
Let the mountains fall
You are God over the storm
And I am Yours

Let the waters rise
I will stand as the oceans roar
Let the earth shake beneath me
Let the mountains fall
You are God over the storm
And I am Yours

You are God over the storm
And I am Yours


Share not Sacrifice …

I tend to get so upset with people, especially my family, when they only seem to remember me when they need me. A very wise person told me that I should feel privileged that I am like a beacon of light that comes to their minds when there is darkness in their lives. Easier said than done. But I am going to try to re-adjust my attitude. I am still keeping my distance since I still need respect. There may be times when you just have to love people from a distance. The same wise person reminded me that everyone can’t be in your front row. Its become quite obvious to me that my family no longer needs me – my sisters kids are all grown up. I guess they loved me enough to set me free as well. At least this is a healthier way of viewing things, accepting all to move forward. For a long time, I felt my connection to my family was tenuous at best, strained. And most of the effort was coming from me, one-sided – I see clearly now that I tend to have more vested emotionally in most relationships. Working on this.

I like it when people ask me to help them; often it means that they respect me and my opinion enough to request it, and I appreciate that. Who doesn’t want to feel needed? But when is the relationship is always one-sided – that no longer works for me. I have had to toughen up and learn to be more selfish and set boundaries. I am always willing to help anyone, if I am capable of it, and certainly don’t do something because of what I may get ‘in return’ but there does need to be some element of reciprocity and respect. I used to drop everything instantly to help my family and friends. I have learned that inadvertently I may have caused people to think less of me. When you always say ‘Yes’ without hesitation, they respect you less. Sadly strange I know but learning it’s true. Many may also get the impression that you’ll do anything for them and that they don’t have to do anything for you. It sets up a very unbalanced relationship.

I think there are two kinds of people, those who give and take and those who just want to take. I no longer allow opportunistic acquaintances in my life.

I think the following quote sums up, for me, what friendship means: “I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar.” – Robert Brault

I get lost too easily in the thought of being kind; of turning the other cheek. Too many times, my forgiving heart, my kindness was mistaken for weakness – even I am guilty of doing this to myself. Learning how to find balance and happiness within boundaries and limitations. Learning how to share, give of myself without sacrificing myself. Or losing myself and letting resentment control me.

It’s surprising how much healthier you can feel when you let go, or at least minimize your time with draining, negative, incompatible, not-going-anywhere relationships, friendships, and family … with grace in our steps and hope in our hearts.


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