Category Archives: Happy

“In life and love, expect the unexpected…”

How many of you have seen the movie, “Moonlight Mile”?   This is how I have been feeling all weekend into Monday…”I feel like I have been in a place where nothing’s right, where every moment’s backwards, every sky’s without color, without hope…”…so I am sitting here determined not to play games, waste my time nor anyone else’s – no games, only hope…

Some of the quotes / lines from the movie that resonated with me:
Truth is hard
colors wrong styles wrong
guess its where the good ones live
Where have I been – where I went
I went to a place where is nothing right
where everyone hurts
sky is without color without hope
Every moment is backwards
I tried to come back but I got lost
I thought I found home when I found you
“Dear Bertie, You asked me before where I went. And I want  to tell you. I went to a place where nothing’s right, where every moment’s  backwards, every sky’s without colour, without hope. I tried to come back,  Bertie. But I got lost. And while I was gone, I met you. And I didn’t even have  the courage to realize I was home. A wise friend of mine told me “we all have  our homes”, and now I know it’s true. I hope you get this letter, Bertie. I  figure I got 75 chances. Cause if you do you’ll know that in the end, that’s  where I was. I found home, Bertie. I found you. I hope you can find your’s soon.  Get there – as fast as you can. And write me when you do. Love, Joe.”
“I’m sorry,  I can’t, I can’t do this. It didn’t happen. We loved each other, we broke it  off. If I don’t-Jesus, if I don’t say this now, it’ll never-she’ll never be a  part of this. What are we-what are we doing here? I don’t even-I don’t even know  this guy. She-she didn’t even know this guy. What’s he got to do with her? I  don’t-look, you asked me to bring her in the room, and she’s not here-she’s not.  And whatever happens here, whatever happens to this guy, she’s not here. And the  only way that you’re gonna bring her in here is with the truth. I don’t know-I  don’t know what else to say. You just tell me what to say, and I swear, I’ll  try, but if you want her, you got to keep it honest. You have to understand that  Diana had this thing, this way of bringing out the real in people, not just the  best, you know-their honesty. And I guess she’s doing it again now cause there’s  no way I’d be sitting here saying these things I can’t believe are coming out of  my mouth. It was Diana who finally had the courage. *She* was the one who told  *me* that I didn’t want to go through with it. And I guess she’s-she’s doing it  again, cause all of this-all of this is everything that she wouldn’t want. She  wasn’t a bride-to-be. She wasn’t a victim. She was strong and real and messed up  and wickedly honest, just like her mother. And if I sit here trying to paint it  any other way, I… Oh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I just-I thought-I thought that if  I could just… paint the pictures that you needed, you know, that… that  somehow… that somehow you’d bring these people some peace, finally, and they’d  have their daughter back, or… But, uh… that’s not how she’d wanna be. The  truth is hard. Sometimes it looks so wrong, you know-the color’s off, the  style’s wrong, but I guess it-I guess it’s where the good one’s live…”
With a head full of snow everything makes sense yet it all eventually crumbles into fragmented BS upon sober self-reflection.  Like a drug, it’s all consuming, self isolating, leading to nowhere fast….avoiding….
Only hope…♥
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Conversations in my head, heart… trying to be patient…need sleep!

Conversations in my head, heart… I have this knack of making the simple complicated, analyzing things right out of existence, ending them before they begin. I don’t know how to sit back and watch life unfold. I want to give this, whatever it is a chance, kick back a little, and not hold each other up to relentless scrutiny and arbitrary tests. We might actually find some happiness. I get the impression you live life under the bar. You have passion I have felt it sparingly. Let it come out of you. Be more carefree…every day is precious. You live in anxiety, anticipating but never quite reaching out. It’s like you move to a tune in your head, yet you remain motionless in so many ways. I am hoping that I have the time and patience to draw you out…Out of your comfort zone…

Ordinarily my genius equals insanity to many…but in my very lucid moments, always sleep deprived, I am merely stupid in my hasty actions…like thinking that I wanted to let you go before it really even got started. But I won’t. Don’t let me…

You have a way about you – not quite tangible. There’s something that you do to me; something no one sees…It’s the way you make me feel inside. The way you allow me speak so freely, whenever we sit and talk, the way you don’t even move when I caress your face; the way you make me feel so comfortable – opens up a part of me. Ironic how something so scary, so new, can feel so right, so quickly. I hope we can be a breath of fresh air in each other’s cluttered life. Somehow smooth out the edges of our souls. So I will continue to lay here and recall the exact moment your lips touched mine, I could remember repeating in my head, “Do it again and again and again..”. So soft and gentle…until….


One Lovely Blog Award…accepted.

I logged on this evening to vent about my horrible day only to find out that I was nominated for a “One Lovely Blog Award”….Ooooh  what a lovely feeling, what a mood changer!  A big thank you goes out to Sashaspirig, for turning my day around!  🙂

  • Step 1:  Thank the person who gave you this award.  Include a link to their blog — if you can figure out how to do it; took me a while – think I got it right.  🙂
  • Step 2:  Post the award image.
  • Step 3:  Share  7 things about yourself to the one who nominated you plus others who will read this post.
  •  Step 4:  Next, select 15 blogs/bloggers that you’ve recently discovered , follow and think are excellent and nominate them for the “One Lovely Blog Award”.  Try to link to their blog…trying…and let them know they have been nominated.

Hmmm…seven (7) facts, things about myself:

  1. The taste of good chocolate is my weakness.
  2. Words in a good book move me.
  3. My dog makes me laugh.
  4. My job helps pay the bills.
  5. I don’t cook…but love to eat.
  6. I don’t drive…but wouldn’t mind a hunky, tall chauffeur.
  7. I am a great listener…huh?  Yeah I really am!
The best thing about receiving nominations is being able to acknowledge blogs you enjoy:

Maybe to know me is not to love me…

We all want to fall in love. Why?

Because that experience makes us feel completely alive,
where every sense is heightened,
and every emotion is magnified.
Our everyday reality is shattered
and we are flying into the heavens.
It may only last a moment, an hour, or an afternoon,
but that doesn’t diminish its value,
because we are left with memories
that we treasure for the rest of our lives.

From the movie The Mirror Has Two Faces 

I think I am going to be single a lot longer than I thought at first. But this is my year – my time to be selfish, to finally put myself first. And not everyone will like this nor understand this. And that is just fine by me. Those who I choose to be in my life will understand and accept me. I am no longer going to change or go out of my way to accommodate others. I don’t feel like answering to anyone; I have no more patience or tolerance for people who don’t pay attention and I find myself having to repeat things to. I don’t need to be rescued.  I just need to re-discover and embrace me.

Relationships are harder now because conversations became texting, arguments became phone calls, and feelings became subliminal messages online. Sex became easy, the word love gets used out of context, insecurities have become your way of thinking. Getting jealous became a habit, trust has been lost, cheating became an accident, leaving became the only option and being hurt became natural.

Tired…


Forecast: Chance of Rain…

Just finished watching the movie, “Swinging with the Finkels”‘…and parts of it resonated with me…

“The only real obstacle to man’s inability to commit is man himself.”
“It’s not so much how compatible you are, but how you deal with incompatibility.”

For people who always think the grass is greener on the other side…If you worry about what might be, and wonder what might have been, you will ignore what is…now!

With so many advancements in technology, our lifestyles have been completely transformed. So many choices.  Sometimes when we have so many choices we become restless. We tend to not settle on what we already have or stay satisfied with what we’ve got because we’ll always be wondering about the next big thing. It’s called the grass is always greener syndrome. So many of us tend to think someone else is having a better time elsewhere; we can make ourselves miserable by thinking about the unknown in our endless quest to find happiness. We lie awake at night torturing ourselves over what we should do next, wondering if we are missing something big. We feel we are wasting our lives if we are not doing something more important.

There’s also this sense of urgency, this sense of time and pressure we place on ourselves. Sometimes we feel like we are running out of time and should constantly be doing something greater othwerwise we consider ourselves failures. Then there’s the whole idea that we are somehow special and meant for grandeur; that somehow our lives were destined to be thrilling, adventurous, and hugely successful.

And when we wake up and just realize that our lives are not turning out the way we expected or dreamt…well we find ourselves in crisis, don’t we?!  Perhaps a mid-life crisis. We get depressed; we want more; we get that grass is greener syndrome. We become unhappy, disatisfied, and spend all of our time and energy focusing on what we don’t have rather than counting our blessings. Trust me, I have been there – earlier than I expected in life too; most likely brought about from my illness and having to accept my limited opportunities early on. And I have learned that one is truly not happier on the other side of the grass…the grass is just as green. Focusing on what we don’t have is a definite recipe for disaster. It leads to a miserable, lonely existence and causes us to forget what is most important…the present – the here and now.

As John Lennon once said, “Life is what happens to you while you are busy making other plans”. So very true!

With so many choices and opportunities available to us, sometimes we tend to ignore what’s actually happening around us in the present. We forget the whole how to be happy; we miss the point of what happiness really means – acceptance, peace of mind, forgiveness, being mindful.

Don’t get me wrong, opportunities are great, sometimes wish I had more, but there comes a point where we need to accept our choices, decisions and our lives. Embrace all that comes along. Definitely go out and see the world and try to enjoy all that life has to offer. But whenever you feel yourself losing focus and wondering what if, bring yourself back to the present, Enjoy the moments today! Happiness to me is no longer about where I live, or the material things I have; it really is simply sometimes about smelling the roses, taking a deep breath, feeling your heartbeat…

All we have is the right now, So let’s forget the past; try not to worry too much about the future; truly find something in each new day that makes us smile even if for a moment. Stop thinking the grass is greener – because it truly isn’t…and without the rain, it will still turn brown….embracing ME!


Woman’s Best Friend…♥

I am in a very emotional state today – over tired, lack of sleep – I have not stopped crying  since early this morning at 5am when I had to leave my poor Chili dog home alone feeling poorly since I had to come into work.  Makes me sick to see him so listless, staring up at me.  And this brings up so many feelings…makes me realize that he won’t live forever and how I felt when I had to put his older brother down two years ago.  Still so raw.   I can’t even write this without tears streaming down my face.

I know that there are some people that won’t understand this post. People that have never loved a dog like a family member and people that look at dogs as nothing more than pets. But for those who have loved a dog like I have, I know you will understand this.   Please bear with me here as I feel a need to write this down as a form of therapy for myself and it’s my small attempt at a tribute for the most incredible dog that I have ever known. My emotions and thoughts are over the place so this might not even come out as coherent but I’m going to do my best.

I had not started this blog when I had to put my Cairn Terrier, Scruffy, down in 2009. It was one of the hardest things I have ever done and I still miss him like crazy on most days.  If I didn’t already have Chili, my Boston Terrier,  I don’t think I would want another dog again because I hate the thought of losing him too already and he’s only 7.   So hard to go through the pain and loss.   But these couple of years, I am SO glad that I’ve had Chili with me.  He’s been great at giving me comfort and helping me remember why animals bring so much joy into our lives. I’m a dog person through and through. And even though it’s hard and painful to think about them getting older and passing away, the time spent with them is so worth it in the end.  It’s hard loving these little animals that sneak their way into your hearts but at the same time, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I truly believe they were put on earth to bring us joy and companionship and I’m happy that I am still able to see that the benefits far outweigh the heartache.

I’m not writing this for a pity party, but I have this story inside of me and today it’s coming out for whatever reasons.  It’s a story that defines me and how we all grieve and seek comfort in different ways.

The year I decided to get Scruffy, was a very lonely, bleak time for me. I was trying to finish college, but I learned I was back out of remission, and trying to concentrate in class, be a normal young lady, thinking of guys, makeup and dates wasn’t working.   Dealing with the realization that I could die was too much for me.  And while this story is one of the most monumental times in my life, it’s not about my illness solely nor about my struggles graduating college.  It’s about the one who got me through that time.  Everything and mostly everyone seemed so trivial compared to what I was going through and what really mattered.  Looking back on that moment all these years later, I know that it was him who picked me.  Scruffy was everything I needed during that time and more.

I wish I could really describe what he meant to me but I don’t think I will ever be able to adequately talk about my best friend during the hardest part of my life. He became my companion and a true friend more than just a dog; he was there with me through everything.   When I went to Seattle for 6 months for a clinical study, he was allowed to be with me.  When I discovered my love for hiking, he was with me.  When I went out to alfresco dining, he was always at my feet…at dog-friendly restaurants.  He slept next to me at night, he kept me laughing and happy for the first time in a long time, and he gave me a reason to be excited when I came home from school and the hospital instead of to an empty apt. He brought life back into me and I don’t know how I would have gotten through that time without him.  I never felt lonely with Scruffy anymore, because wherever I was, he was always by my side.   And now with just Chili, I don’t feel alone neither.   I brought Chili home one day when he was only 3 months old and about to get destroyed and Scruffy was already 12 years old.  Scruffy never became jealous – on the contrary – he welcomed his new little sick brother with open paws – sharing his bed and toys…just not his food.  Scruffy loved to eat!

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end…that day came when I made the hardest decision I have ever had to make to put my best friend down.  Scruffy had been showing signs of aging for the last few years and I knew it was just a matter of time for him.  I couldn’t bear seeing him suffer anymore. After living in denial about his health those last few months, I was forced to confront it.  After a lot of talking, crying and prayer I knew I couldn’t deny any longer that my full-of-life puppy had turned into an old dog and it was only for my own selfish reasons to keep him alive any longer.

As I stood next to him in the vet’s room, I put my arms around him one last time and began whispering in his ear. His tail slowly wagged back and forth as I petted him and I spoke softly so only he could hear. I thanked him for being the best dog I could ask for, I thanked him for crawling into my lap 16 years ago, and for tugging at my hert strings; I thanked him for every way he had ever loved me and most important – I thanked him for bringing me back to life.

There was one night not so long ago, that I remember so well and probably the memory that I will always think of how both of my dogs have impacted my life…it was the first holidays without Scruffy, and I put up the Christmas tree and then went to bed in tears, recalling how much Scruffy would love laying under the tree.  And that night Chili jumped on the bed when he heard me crying in the dark. I pulled back the covers to let him in; he laid down by my side, put his head on the pillow next to mine and just stayed there while I cried my eyes out. I put both of my arms around him for a tight hug and he would lick my face from time to time and stayed awake with me until I finally fell asleep a few hours later. It was one of the most touching nights with him and a night that I had never appreciated him more.  He just seemed to know when I needed him most and never failed to be there for me…Scruffy taught him well.

Sometimes I feel guilty but no matter how much I love Chili {and I really do love him}, he will never be my Scruffy.   Chili is my baby but Scruffy was my best friend…♥

There is a favorite quote of mine from the movie, “Marley and Me” that will always make me think of Scruffy:

“A person can learn a lot from a dog, even a loopy one like ours. Marley  Scruffy taught me about living each day with unbridled exuberance and joy, about seizing the moment and following your heart. He taught me to appreciate the simple things – a walk in the woods, a fresh snowfall, a nap in a shaft of winter sunlight. And as he grew old and achy, he taught me about optimism in the face of adversity. Mostly, he taught me about friendship and selflessness, and above all else, unwavering loyalty.”

Oh my Scruffy, you were the best of the best and there will never be another like you.   Thank you for teaching Chili and I how to love and live again.  ♥

My Chili Dog

My serious Chili Dog

The Ortiz Brothers
My Boys

My Best Friend


I’m looking for a fairy-tale ♥


You have to be happy in yourself….

“I’m like a fine wine. I get better with age. The best is yet to come.” ♥


Friends…

The past two days have been heavenly and I am one lucky girl!  A friend from CA has been back East for a work convention and I get to spend some quality time with them.  Yay!   I grew up and have lived most of my life in New Jersey….sadly, many of my friends and family have moved away.  I have slowly watched great friends disappear for new jobs, to start a family, attend business school, travel the world, etc….Obviously friendships can continue over the phone, through email, FB so the friend is not lost; but a hiking partner, a dining companion, and someone to just sit and laugh with about life on a lazy Saturday is lost.

I have met and continue to meet plenty of acquaintances but have a difficult time crossing the threshold to real friendship.  I have tried  volunteer work, work friends, and boyfriend’s friends but discovered they do not take the place of those really good friends that you tell everything to and always trust for advice on dating, fashion, family, career and well, everything!  One of the trickiest things is finding others out there that are also looking for new, solid friendships and not just collecting acquaintances.

I know that losing so many friends who have died way too young, has made me afraid and hesitant to fully embrace letting strangers in…but I am trying.  For a long time, I thought it would be easier, better not to invest in people – they leave, they die. Scary.  But now I have learned that the alternative is so much worse.   I had this beautiful picture of what my life would be like and now its gone.  It feels like it was stolen from me and for a long time I believed that there was nothing I can do about it.  There are so many emotions inside of me. I want to let people back in – I want to find a hiking friend again.  I want to meet someone, fall in love again with every ounce of my being…

I envision this beautiful life…where tomorrow…I am surrounded by all my lost friends, lovers, family…♥

I wonder if I lock up my friend and throw away the key, how long could I get away with it?!

Just wondering, reminiscing, hoping, smiling…


Ah the single life…

Today’s’ oppressive heat, has kept me indoors and online longer than I wanted but such is life with temps in the triple digits.  So I joined two, yes two – not one, online dating sites, and you think I would be getting better at weeding through all the serial daters, the players and just the losers.   Who remembers the movie, Singles??  The 1992 grunge movie, I was reminded of just what terrified me so much about online dating:  a phenomenon we can call “chasing the popcorn.”

For me, it refers to the idea that no matter how many provisions, expectations, rules and filters you put on someone to make sure they fit a “perfect match” criteria, you can’t fake chemistry.  Who recalls the scene where Debbie spends a ton of time, money and energy on a dating service called “Expect the Best”.   She finally picks bicycle guy to date and she completely transforms herself – from the outside in trying to impress a virtual stranger, perfect on paper.  She pretends to be a cycling enthusiast and actually ends up missing the date; only to later find bicycle guy at her apartment making popcorn with her roommate.  Pammy essentially makes the popcorn (natural chemistry with bicycle guy), and Debbie ends up fruitlessly chasing the popcorn – despite all her hard work.  Yup!  Single life, dating…is beyond lousy!  Lol

Though the movie, Singles, is set in a time before socially-acceptable online dating practices came into existence, I now see it was a good indicator of the online dating outcome I’m ultimately afraid of — trying too hard for chemistry.  It’s also an excuse to relate more of life to a movie I’ve shamelessly loved since I saw it in college…can’t lie!

If looking for the right one, you can’t fight chemistry. You can’t make it happen the way you want, when you want, with whomever you want. But online dating sure makes it seem that way.

I find it sad that at our age, so many people online still aren’t honest about what they really want.   I think so many of the guys online, are really looking for some kind of booty call situation – well maybe they should try Craigslist as an option.   I met one guy, seemingly normal guy who said he was looking for a long-term relationship, only to find out that he’s just looking to have sex.  Which would have been fine, well not with me, but I would have understood and not even bothered if he were only honest to begin with.  I am not here to judge anyone, people should be able to want and go after what they want.  I just would like some honesty.

I truly don’t want to become a serial dater…The type of person who is just perpetually in love, or “in love with the idea of being in love”. This is a centuries-old phenomenon, much like the Romeo character at the beginning of “Romeo & Juliet”. Some people enjoys the feeling of “falling in love”, only to have their high hopes, naive assumptions, or romantic illusions be disappointed upon getting to know the object of their affection a little better. As the old saying goes, familiarity breeds contempt.  *sigh*  I hope not.

I don’t want to be one of those serial daters who utilizes all the different dating methods to attain their high level of social interaction with the opposite sex. In fact, any new type of dating technique is an opportunity to seek romance and companionship.  I am learning that some of these people like the feeling, belief that they will never experience the “No Danger of Being Alone” since there seems to be a never-ending a pool of people out there you can social network with.  Or one of those who crave the “Romantic Challenges” – constantly feeling the need to ‘chase’ – that is what drives them, needing the affirmation or challenge that coming from winning over an unattainable person.

I just want to find someone I can honestly connect with, someone who pronounces my name correctly, someone who actually wants to plan a date and go out, enjoy, then drops me off, thinks about me until our next date.    I am finding the simple most elusive right now – that chemistry, that longing, that one guy who knows how with just a look, a gesture to make me feel like the most important person.   Missing ♥mm♥


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