Category Archives: Happy

Giddy at Fifty

In exactly 7 days, I will turn 50 years old … yes, me turning 50!  I am over the moon ecstatic.  I never thought I would reach this age.  I am a cancer survivor, a crisis survivor, continue to battle PTSD and depression.   I have lost so many loved ones when they were too young – my brother 25 yo, my Dad 57 yo, my fiance 37 yo, aunt 35 yo … I had decided that was my fate as well.  I have spent most of my life thinking I was running out of time.  I lived in the past or in the moment, never fully preparing nor planning a future.

I am almost halfway to 100 and I am so giddy lately.  I am finally midlife.   I will be half of a century old.  How downright exciting … to be me right now??   I am about to finally reach a true milestone and with this I have learned that a happy life starts at whatever age you finally grow up and realize that it’s yours to live … not dictated by family nor work.  It’s all mine.

Sure, I am not naive enough to think it will all be smooth sailing here on out.  I have been through too much to believe that.  But I have been through so much already, I know I can get through whatever life throws at me.

I do worry at times, financially I am not in a good place; nor romantically…even professionally.  Could I have accomplished more?  Sure.  I have spent way too many years in the past.  I no longer live there.  I have hibernated enough.  I have compromised enough.  I have sacrificed enough.  Cancer, regret, loss, crisis, compromise, sacrifice – all have changed the course of my ideal life.   I still have many anxious moments – I still work hard each day to keep my fears and demons at bay.  I have learned and accepted that even with the best planning, we are never fully in control of our own destiny. This lessons learned has come with a high price in my life; it’s a benefit that I have been gifted with the act of getting older, being wise, being experienced.  I am fortunate enough to understand that growth in life doesn’t just stop midlife – it’s a continual realigning, reevaluating, realizing, reexamining, renewing, reconnecting, reacquainting and renewing…and loving the alliteration as always … finally relaxing and just accepting me … yes ME.

Learning as I turn 50, there is so much of life to look back on …and there is so much more to do.  I live for all my loved ones who died too young.  I live for me.  Turning 50 is great because I am still here.  I have learned to be my own cheerleader, my own support system.  I am a survivor.  I have found my smile even through my tears.  I fight through any pain, any sadness, any setback.  I look in the mirror and am happy to see wrinkles, even the gray hair and the love handles.  I have earned this life.  I have lived this life.  And I will continue …. with hope in my heart and grace in my step.  #JustT


Ah…wise words read, heard, shared today…

The worst thing about being lied to is simply knowing you weren’t worth the truth…

It’s not hard to find someone who tells you they love you, it’s hard to find someone who actually means it…

That feeling you get when he kisses your neck…

When you choose to forgive those who have hurt you, you take away their power…

If someone wants you, nothing will keep them away, but if they don’t want you, nothing will make them stay!

Love waits for one thing; The right moment…

A wise man said to me today:  “Give me a kiss to build a dream on”…

Give me a kiss to build a dream on
And my imagination will thrive upon that kiss
Sweetheart, I ask no more than this
A kiss to build a dream on

Give me a kiss before you leave me
And my imagination will feed my hungry heart
Leave me one thing before we part
A kiss to build a dream on

And when I’m alone with my fancies, I’ll be with you
Weaving romances, making believe they’re true

Oh, give me your lips for just a moment
And my imagination will make that moment live
Give me what you alone can give
A kiss to build a dream on

When I’m alone with my fancies, I’ll be with you
Weaving romances, making believe they’re true

Oh, give me lips for just a moment
And my imagination will make that moment live
Oh, give me what you alone can give
A kiss to build a dream on…

Reflections of a Year

Happy Holidays, Everyone!  I hope you have all been enjoying the holiday season and its many celebrations.   I have been blessed with love, warmth, meals, and friends, and yes – some truly wonderful gifts…♥

The past year for me has been a journey of discovery and re-direction in many ways.  It has been a time of quiet reflection, a time to gather my memories of my pasts, and learn how to accept love into my life again.  Aside from some grief and feeling of loss it has brought serious contemplation of the importance of friends, family, the necessity of unassailable caring for one another and the need to resolve differences and reach a level of unimpeachable understanding between us all.   And it hasn’t and still isn’t always easy to accomplish.   I have been fortunate though – so many times this past year, I have felt at peace, sense of quiet faith that all will be well in the future.

These last few days of the year will be all abuzz with chatter of the past year’s best of, hottest this, latest that.  And even more than that, everybody will most likely vow a commitment to some act of self-improvement for the upcoming year.   Ah – the infamous New Year’s Resolution.   Good intentions, that most often fall by the wayside only to be regarded as lists of would’ve, could’ve, should’ve.

Want to know why I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions?!   I have said this many times – they are an excuse to take the bad parts of your life and flaunt them with the promise that you’ll change them; they’re an excuse to realize you have messed up and are going to change without being ashamed.  But there is no shame in wanting to change.  We are constantly changing, whether we know it or not.  Take a year and live it one day at a time; you’d be surprised how much can change on its own when you’re not making dreamy long-term goals.  That is how I have lived my life…and now here I am and I don’t know how to accept people who don’t.

At this time of year, we naturally think back over the past twelve months and look ahead towards the future.  Looking back at times gone by (Auld Lang Syne) can be a good thing, especially if we focus on the stuff we’ve accomplished and the adventures we’ve had with friends or family. I think reflecting on our accomplishments and giving thanks for our good fortune is healthy.  But what about looking forward?

So I wonder how many of us will make New Year’s resolutions:  Lose weight.  Sleep enough hours.  Hit the gym.  Cut out the fast food.  Quit smoking.  Drink less.

If you’re looking for a new way to approach your outlook on the New Year, try this instead. Take a moment for some silent self-reflection on the past year and use where you are today to get where you want to be tomorrow.  While I’m not one for New Year’s Resolutions, I am committed to setting goals.

This coming January, concludes my first year writing this blog.  What a journey it has been.  I want to thank all of my followers for taking time out to read some of my musings.  This has been a very disparate year for me – looking for love, fighting demons of insecurities, loss, dealing with cancer, re-connecting with family and friends, looking for work, joining support group, volunteer work…the year is ending on  a very positive note for me…finding a great man and steady work have been true blessings.

How about you?  Are you setting resolutions goals for the new calendar year?

National Pursuit of Happiness Week

It’s already Day 5 of National Pursuit of Happiness Week.  Sad that we even need a full week to remind us to pursue and find what makes us happy.

If Hurricane Sandy did nothing but force us all to slow down and appreciate what we have, then some good came out of that weather insanity.  If you are feeling overwhelmed – slow down. When we slow down we breathe more deeply, which makes us feel better. Sounds simple enough. Are you taking time each day to celebrate the good and let go of the bad?  It seems we get so caught up in the day-to-day that we forget to take some time to be still. When we take time to be still we can appreciate what we have and that lifts our spirits.

As the Dalai Lama tells us in his book The Art of Happiness:

‘In the same way, a situation that you initially perceive as 100 percent negative may have some positive aspects to it. But I think that even if you have discovered a positive angle to a bad situation that alone is often not enough. You still need to reinforce that idea. So you may need to remind yourself of that positive angle many times, until gradually your feeling changes.’

Have you thought about it? Are you so busy going through the day-to-day that you’ve forgotten the big picture?  Or are you bored senseless and just going through the motions?

I used to be downright bashful unless I felt I was in safe company. And now I just try not to care – I giggle out loud, sometimes at inopportune times, I skip, I trip, fall, laugh and get back up.  I kiss my dog, whisper to him, walk and play around. Do people look at me and think I am nuts?  I am sure – sometimes.  But I no longer care.   I enjoy and need to have fun goofing around.  I can recall so many stupid moments, and giggle aloud.  Giggling reminds me and gives me permission to lighten-up and have some fun…Do you hold back the true you? Is there a playful person hiding under layers of fear? Has the essence of you been squelched out by life’s challenges and limitations?  Don’t let it.  Its been a struggle, but I no longer allow the old uptight person come out of me.  I have to strangle that person.

I hope you all go out today and laugh out loud… and go about your day feeling lighter and gigglier…♥

Came across this and thought I should share:

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness Week 3: The Pursuit of Happiness

Speaker: Trey Kelly Follow @treykelly
Date: October 29, 2012

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

But what is Life? What is Liberty? And what is Happiness?

Is it a good job? A house in the suburbs? A beautiful wife, 2.5 kids and a dog? Is it all the money you’ll ever need. Is it a fancy car?

Life is more than just living. Liberty is more than just being free. And there’s only one source of true happiness.

Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Redefining the American Dream.

Serious need of some seriously funny people…

“I am serious, so I laugh a lot.  You need to laugh.  You don’t laugh enough.  I don’t trust anyone who doesn’t laugh”.  –Maya Angelou

“I don’t believe in being serious about anything. I think life is too serious to be taken seriously.” –Ray Bradbury

I find it interesting that most people in my life either describe me as ‘silly’ or ‘serious’…nothing really in between.  But lately many people have been telling me I am too serious…some of these people also ‘accuse’ me of wanting too much; they say, I don’t know how to take a joke.  I have to disagree.  I think these people just don’t know me…which is all good.

If people say something bad about you, judge you as if they know you, don’t easily get affected. Remember this: dogs bark if they don’t know the person.  This is my favorite saying of the week!

Sure I admit that I am very serious most of the time but not too serious, because seriousness has always been very natural to me.  Growing up, I was a loner, buried my head in a book, escaped in the words, travelled to places described.  I am a dreamer; but life has me firmly grounded in reality.  And unfortunately, that reality has seen its share of heartache. I believe this serious side of me is because of my desire to always improve myself and my dislike of imperfections.  As a result, I am hyper-critical of myself, everything I do, and even the world around me.   See to me – this may explain why many believe that I am too serious.

But I try to lighten up…I have my moments…I know how to suspend my reality hours at a time.  I think that is why I tend to gravitate toward people who have a healthy sense of humor.  They know how to laugh things off, shrug their shoulders, dust off their pants, and just keep smiling.

In my not so distant past, I have learned there are so many problems with being too serious leading to many sleepless nights:

The silent killer = Stress:   Always being sick and always feeling responsible has for the most part been overwhelming.

Worry:  Being serious leads to worrying a lot.  I tend to worry all of time.  Even insignificant issues become worrisome to someone who is too serious. Major issues become even more worrisome than they should be.

Anxiety: People who are too serious tend to have great anticipation or fears that preoccupy their thoughts.   Social anxiety is the biggest hurdle for me these days.

Depression: When serious people concentrate mostly on serious issues that are mostly out of their control, they tend to become more depressed.  Lucky for me, I don’t hibernate as long as I used to in the past.  I am more aware of all these issues which greatly helps my mood.

Boredom: Serious individuals tend to become more bored with mundane tasks. They prefer to work on more important tasks and solve problems instead.

Interactions: Being too serious can negatively affect interactions with other people, thus resulting with poor social skills and fewer friends.

As a result, being too serious most of the time can have detrimental effects to a person’s happiness, health, and social life.  Yes!  I have been proof of this.  Changing for the better…finally!

Fortunately, there is a simple and easy suggestion to help anyone become less serious. Just set aside some time each day when no important tasks need to be or will be done.   For me, this takes place every day now!  J  This will be the down time to just relax.  Do not do anything that’s stressful – I don’t watch the news, I don’t talk to selfish people, I don’t listen to love songs; I try to stay away from all that aggravate me.  Instead, I watch funny movies, read a good book, take the dog for a walk, write in my blog, allow attention from admirers, chat with my new funny friends…best of all check in with my Goddaughter – she is the brightest spot in this murky life.  She is so full of hope, love, and promises yet wise before her years.  I just pray she allows herself to be silly and doesn’t let the serious side of life take over.  She has already learned the most important thing in life:  Common sense and a sense of humor are the same thing, moving at different speeds. A sense of humor is just common sense, dancing.

A sense of humor… is needed armor.  Joy in one’s heart and some laughter on one’s lips is a sign that the person down deep has a pretty good grasp of life….I am finally almost there.

I strongly believe:  “The deeper that sorrow carves into your being the more joy you can contain”.  –Kahlil Gibran

Let’s all try to remember that:  “Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious”.  –Peter Ustinov

Always looking for balance…♥

Good day…

I knew good things were going to happen this weekend…:-)  Sunshine Sunday!

The weather has been absolutely gorgeous.  Re-connecting with one of my sisters and getting to spend quality time with my niece has been the saving grace, I have been looking for.   See wishes do come true.  I even went to see two, yes not one, but two movies at the theater yesterday.  I haven’t really been to the movies in months.  Forgot how much I miss it.

And walking out of my support group this morning, I was just feeling so optimistic.  Life really can be good…

I love that feeling. You know, the one you get when you take a deep breath and suddenly everything feels like it’s going to be okay. Just when you are hopeless as can be, and life is going nowhere, there’s those moments we have every now and then where we just stop and we get this feeling, that can’t be described, but you just know… you just feel like everything really is going to be okay. Like the world stopped spinning for a second, and everything was clear.  I had a few of these moments this weekend.  I need more of those moments.

There’s that one moment, the moment when you’ve figured out how much you’ve really let go, and how much you’ve grown. It’s that moment when you can’t look back, yet you can’t seem to look too far into the future. It’s that moment when you realize you’re living for yourself and no one else…yay!

I think I am lucky despite all the hurt and heartache I have experienced and still keep having to battle so many things.  I am lucky because I have learned so much.  Some people go through hardships and just get bitter and can’t move forward.  I have changed, and realized maybe things do happen for a reason. Maybe they don’t. But no matter what, they still happen. That’s what we need to remember. I learned to stop analyzing things so much, to just let them happen. And if I get hurt, or if something bad happens, there’s nothing I can do to change that. I’ve learned to go with my gut, and that it’s okay to make mistakes because the ones that matter won’t care. I’ve learned that love really is as great as they say it is. I’ve learned that your friends can save you from your worst enemy: yourself. And most importantly, I’ve learned that today is all we have.

When I look in the mirror, I see a lady who’s been through so much and yet still finds a way to smile at the past. She still loves with all her heart, or what’s left of it, and when you see her walk down the street I can guarantee you she’ll have her head up high, faking a smile just one last time at all those who try to break her but never will…yes that is who I see in the mirror….most days…today is one of those days!

I’m the kind of woman who is quiet in large groups or around people I don’t know; you only see the real me if we’re close. I smile and laugh a lot, especially at the most inappropriate times. I’m a hopeless romantic. I trip over air, up stairs, and over people’s feet – which explains my three broken toes and sprained ankle.  I am the hardest person to offend, but it is all too easy to make me feel horrible.  Too sensitive most times.  I hate telling people about my problems; they don’t need to worry about me.   I don’t want their pity. I’m the one who listens to other people’s problems. I believe people should not be judged before one takes the time to get to know them…and not even then.   I love to think rather than talk. I’m awkward, clumsy, shy, quirky… but this is me. Take it or leave it.

As you get older, you stop being scared of the dark. You realize the dark is just the dark…and night lights work just fine.  😉  But you also become scared of other things, people themselves. You learn that not everyone wants to see you succeed nor happy. You become aware of people’s underlying intentions and selfish actions.  And the monsters you used to check for under your bed at night, don’t even compare to some of the things people do.  This makes me sad.

People, me included these days, are always talking about how hard it is to find a good man, but nowadays it’s hard to even find a good person. It’s so hard to just find a person to talk to, someone who will just listen and not judge, someone who will just take you as you are.  This is why I joined my support group.  There’s a story behind everything.  How a picture got on a wall, how a scar got on your face. Sometimes the stories are simple, and sometimes they are hard and heartbreaking.  So I listen, I learn, I appreciate, and I hope…

Sometimes you just need someone. Someone to make you smile when you’re sad, to tell you that you’re beautiful. Someone to look forward to seeing you everyday. Someone to call you every night just to say I love you and mean it.  Yes, I know that my someone is just around the corner…

I have been ‘accused’ of living in a fantasy and looking for something that doesn’t exist.  But I disagree.  I have had the fairy tale once before so I know it’s out there again – as I long as I stop settling for the wrong people.  I think we’re all just looking for someone who makes every love song, romantic comedy and fairy tale seem relatable. We’re not really looking for a prince or a princess, or exactly for the person who chases us down to the airport before we leave for somewhere and confess their love to us and say we can’t leave. We’re not looking for someone who makes every song on the radio seem like it was written for them, we’re just looking for someone who when we watch these movies, hear these songs, read these fairy tales, we can sit back and say, “I know the feeling.”  Yes!


Dating again…naturally…

I never thought I’d be one of those women who would wait by the proverbial ‘phone’, waiting for ‘him’ to call.   Well I am tired.  Waited all day into night yesterday for a call from a man who was to be honest never worthy of my time to begin with.  So his loss truly.  And if you are reading this – wow – you finally got a sentence in my blog dedicated just to you!  Happy?!  Hope so.  How funny when people think the world revolves around them.  No more waffling…

This is my space – my words, my place to vent, share…it was never about lamenting about one person.  So get over it.  I am.

Not sure why men after the age of 45 still feel the need to play games.  Truly sad.  And if you still have too much baggage and issues balancing work, parenting and dating then you should seek help.  Seriously.  They make pills for everything these days.

I finally found two dating sites that actually may connect me with people living with cancer.  Looking forward to sharing tomorrow with my support group.  Love the name too – C is for Cupid!!

I am tired of going on dates and afterwards my phone begins to mock me with its silence.  But I also hate it when needy people text all day and call five times a day just to check in – I am fragile but not that fragile.  So I am looking for someone who truly wants to be in a relationship and understand that it takes time, effort, romance…just plain old fashioned courting.  Yup…that would make me smile.

I am not sure why more people who say they want to find someone won’t take more of an initiative and actually go out and make an effort, make plans.   I am going to be the happiest person once I find someone who is actually mature enough to understand that obtaining and holding onto good things/people takes work, patience and a true commitment.

We all could improve in some part of our lives. If you do not subscribe to that then I think you are delusional. I want to find a man I can improve with, learn from.

“I need someone to show me
The things in life that I can’t find”

I am great for someone but not great for everyone. I am an acquired taste….I know this about about myself.  Maybe that is why I like wine…who knows…;-)

I think sadly, far too many people are looking for the right person instead of trying to be the right person. Don’t expect to find the right person if you’re not willing to let the wrong one go.   That took me the longest time.  Love is not about finding the right person, but creating the right relationship. It’s not about how much love you have in the beginning but how much love you build until the end. You can’t make someone love you, all you can do is be someone who can be loved, the rest is up to the person to realize your worth. I am waiting…waiting to fall…

Still the best words to live by…

Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
Love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the ones who don’t.
Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.
If it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy.
They just promised it would be worth it.

T’s Thursday Thoughts…

Tired.  My most recent Rx for insomnia not working…*sigh*  I am so tired that I have realized what makes me the most exhausted is having to repeat myself over and over again to some people.  I will no longer feel the need to explain myself.  If a person doesn’t understand me, its on them.  If a person doesn’t like what I say, its on them.  I have adopted the new stance:  No longer justifying my feelings, my actions.  Only in a court of law, will I feel the need to justify.

We often feel the need to justify our feelings, like everyone outside is watching and forming judgments.  I guess its because the truth is they often are.  But I have learned that we have choices.  We can either explain ourselves to ensure how we’d like to be seen, even though in reality, we can’t actually control that or we can just focus on feeling and learning from our emotions, since that’s something within our power.  So I opt for the latter.

Instead of pretending you feel fine—and explaining why it may seem otherwise—let yourself feel your emotions to so you can discover what you need to do to move past them. Instead of explaining why you don’t seem perfect, let yourself be human without apologies.

Sometimes it makes sense to explain yourself—when someone misunderstands, or when you hurt someone accidentally. But most often the only person who needs an explanation is you so you can accept and work through whatever is on your mind.

Today if you’re tempted to justify your emotions, remember: You can’t control what other people think. But if you can accept yourself in this moment, you may discover what you need to do to feel better–instead of just trying to look better.  Yup.

I am sure we have all heard the saying, “Never let someone be your priority, while you remain their option” – but how many actually follow this sage advice?!  I know I have not in the past…but I am working on it…

It’s no secret I have a weakness — I see people better than they really are or better than they see themselves. My expectations and trust of people always gets the best of me because I place them high on top of the totem pole instead of leaving room for their faults and issues so, when they do something that goes against what I think of them; I always, always end up being disappointed and in tears. When getting involved in a romantic relationship this kind of thinking has always lead to my own personal heartbreak because I chose to make a man my priority when he only considers me his option.

I am no longer choosing to be this way, at this point and stage in my life I am choosing to be selfish in life and in love. I’m choosing to look out for me and no one else.   I should feel a little jaded about life and love, but I don’t.

In 2012, my year of possibilities, I am choosing to be my own priority and not anyone’s option. I have learned that being an option is not a relationship; you are just filling a void for that particular time and place. You probably see each other when it is convenient for the other person, without them considering if it works for you. Around to stroke their ego.  Being an option means getting that last minute call when all their other plans have fallen through and you are their last resort.   When you are priority, you know that you are a priority. Being a priority is being in a relationship; it does not need to be spoken where and with whom you are spending your free time, you both are making time for each other according to both schedules and are making plans in advance. Being a priority is like being a rare one of a kind precious item that someone will whole-heartedly cherish and will always be the featured showcase, their pride and joy. Being a priority is not just about the sex; it’s about building a foundation of friendship that blossoms into a solid and firm relationship. It means going on dates, having good conversations, meeting the important people in his/ her life. If you are a priority and it’s important to him/her then they should make an effort to incorporate you into their life and vice versa. Get the picture? If you are being treated like an option instead of a priority, all I ask is that you have the courage to walk away…this brings me back to not having to explain myself anymore, too.

Life is too short to play with people’s emotions, that’s how people get hurt …  start being accountable for your actions…

Life is about trust, love and self-respect…but it must start with yourself…I am learning how to put myself first and to take care of myself – FAST

The F is fair and that means being fair to myself by not engaging when I don’t feel like it, not looking for approval, and setting boundaries (something was not demonstrated to me by my family when I was growing up).

The A is for no apologies. I don’t have to explain myself. This is a big one!! I have spent a VERY big portion of my life justifying my behavior to others.  I don’t owe anyone an explanation.

The S is for sticking to my values. It serves no purpose to get caught up in something I wouldn’t normally do. I deserve respect and I have to keep to my own values for myself and not get caught up into wanting to be accepted and giving in to other people’s beliefs.  I am no longer in HS!

The T is for truthfulness. There’s no reason to lie. I don’t have to participate in a discussion that I don’t want to be led into. It’s okay to just say, “I don’t want to talk right now.” AND let it go. I’m not responsible for the feelings of others.

It’s all about T…today, tomorrow…♥

I want to be in love like in the movies…

…I have had it once before…holding out…
I ♥ the movie, “Sleepless in Seattle”…
Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: People who truly loved once are far more likely to love again. Sam, do you think there’s someone out there you could love as much as your wife?
Sam Baldwin: Well, Dr. Marcia Fieldstone, that’s hard to imagine.
Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: What are you going to do?
Sam Baldwin: Well, I’m gonna get out of bed every morning… breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won’t have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out… and, then after a while, I won’t have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.
Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: Tell me what was so special about your wife?
Sam Baldwin: Well, how long is your program? Well, it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together… and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home… only to no home I’d ever known… I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like… magic.

Stay true to your heart…♥


What I am looking for…someone who…

–        Isn’t afraid of showing me off.

–        Is there for me.

–        Takes care of me.

–        Loves me unconditionally.

–        Can make me laugh and smile, especially when I am feeling down.

–        Isn’t scared of telling me how they feel.

–        Ruins my lipstick instead of my mascara.

–        Promises to wipe away my tears with laughter.

–        Takes my pain away with compassion.

–        I can trust.

–        I can love with all of my heart.

–        Remembers I am a gift to him.

–        I can tough it out with, through the good, the bad and the ugly.

I have learned the difference between a man who flatters me, and a man who compliments me; a man who spends money on me, and a man who invests in me;  a man who views me as property, and a man who views me properly; a man who lusts after me and a man who loves me…♥

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