Category Archives: Happiness

Giddy at Fifty

In exactly 7 days, I will turn 50 years old … yes, me turning 50!  I am over the moon ecstatic.  I never thought I would reach this age.  I am a cancer survivor, a crisis survivor, continue to battle PTSD and depression.   I have lost so many loved ones when they were too young – my brother 25 yo, my Dad 57 yo, my fiance 37 yo, aunt 35 yo … I had decided that was my fate as well.  I have spent most of my life thinking I was running out of time.  I lived in the past or in the moment, never fully preparing nor planning a future.

I am almost halfway to 100 and I am so giddy lately.  I am finally midlife.   I will be half of a century old.  How downright exciting … to be me right now??   I am about to finally reach a true milestone and with this I have learned that a happy life starts at whatever age you finally grow up and realize that it’s yours to live … not dictated by family nor work.  It’s all mine.

Sure, I am not naive enough to think it will all be smooth sailing here on out.  I have been through too much to believe that.  But I have been through so much already, I know I can get through whatever life throws at me.

I do worry at times, financially I am not in a good place; nor romantically…even professionally.  Could I have accomplished more?  Sure.  I have spent way too many years in the past.  I no longer live there.  I have hibernated enough.  I have compromised enough.  I have sacrificed enough.  Cancer, regret, loss, crisis, compromise, sacrifice – all have changed the course of my ideal life.   I still have many anxious moments – I still work hard each day to keep my fears and demons at bay.  I have learned and accepted that even with the best planning, we are never fully in control of our own destiny. This lessons learned has come with a high price in my life; it’s a benefit that I have been gifted with the act of getting older, being wise, being experienced.  I am fortunate enough to understand that growth in life doesn’t just stop midlife – it’s a continual realigning, reevaluating, realizing, reexamining, renewing, reconnecting, reacquainting and renewing…and loving the alliteration as always … finally relaxing and just accepting me … yes ME.

Learning as I turn 50, there is so much of life to look back on …and there is so much more to do.  I live for all my loved ones who died too young.  I live for me.  Turning 50 is great because I am still here.  I have learned to be my own cheerleader, my own support system.  I am a survivor.  I have found my smile even through my tears.  I fight through any pain, any sadness, any setback.  I look in the mirror and am happy to see wrinkles, even the gray hair and the love handles.  I have earned this life.  I have lived this life.  And I will continue …. with hope in my heart and grace in my step.  #JustT

 


Hmmm … arm candy!

So lately, I have been all about the skies, food, sweets, wine, shoes, and last but not least bangles …  my latest craze in arm candy.  But I think I may have just found another form of arm candy … the younger man.

Yes!  Now I am playing cougar.  Who knew?!  A former co-worker and I have re-connected on social media.  We have met up as friends but now he is pouring his heart out to me about love, relationship … with me.  So, I am trying to keep an open mind.

I have been having issues trying to date in my age range. We all have baggage – some more than others.  Learning, that with a younger man there is definitely less baggage. I won’t have decades of past relationships and other issues to deal with. I don’t have to worry about his ex-wife and children — it will be all about the two of us.  And right now, at this point in my life – it’s what I want and deserve, Growing tired of playing it safe, of being alone.  I like to be chased, adored.

I was always a bit of a late-bloomer, and being with a younger man may just somehow keep me in a forever-inspired mode.  My younger friend may have less, but gives more.  I am in a non-settling frame of mind.

One of my favorite aunts was in town last month and she started telling me how lucky she was to have married a younger man – her second chance at love. She was widowed at a young age with small children when she found her second chance. She had a stroke two years ago and was feeling fortunate her husband is healthy and younger. She also told me that he was less judgmental, less traditional, less bound by stereotype – which has helped her in many ways to being happier, even a better mom. She had me thinking … then bam, he comes back into my life – this time not as a co-worker, but a friend.

Who knows…I am not making any decisions, I don’t need to. I am just taking it one minute at a time. Enjoying life. Trying to worry less, stay sane and get healthier. I am going to stop worrying so much about what others may think, stop wondering what this younger guy sees in me, and just enjoy the attention. I deserve every flattering, delicious moment … so I plan to sit back and continue counting my blessings and start looking for this Maca root from the jungles of Peru.

Looking forward to finally, freely living some more, to have my emotions raw, to the potential and the possibilities of having my body, mind, and soul literally rocked … ah nirvana may indeed be mine. Fulfillment, contentment … indeed … on my journey of living deliciously with grace in my step, hope in my heart. I am back …


Narcissism in the mirror…

I find it incredibly sad that adults feel the need to continually insult, belittle, blame others for their misfortune or unhappiness.  When do people grow up, mature and take responsibility for their own actions and reactions?  These insecure people find it easier to say that other people are the ones with the problem because they can’t look into the mirror and admit the truth….they have issues, they need to admit and work on resolving.

I see myself too clearly at times…and that is why I am alone, happy….narcissism does exist…in the mirror.

I find it sad that these so called adults feel the need to insult to feel empowered.  Their lives are in a rapid spiral downward and they need to hold onto the shred of their dignity.  Yes, these marginalized people insult in order to be empowered…to manipulate.  How do I accept, deal with at times inane insults?  I clean house….I throw out the trash, I don’t allow these people in my life anymore.   I only let sunshine touch my heart and mind.  I block out the negativity.  Now as many of you know I deal with an abusive mother, but unfortunately, I can’t erase her out of my life.  But I limit my contact with her; and only allow positive, caring people in my life.  One negative person in my life is enough.  My reply to most inane people:  “You are so insignificant that I don’t even care to register your words, your inability to apologize let alone to take offense at your insult.”  Yes, loving my life with quality people who know the difference between truth and lies, between acceptance and denial…between growth and immaturity.

Its taken me a long time to understand my mom and her small ways.  She is not happy unless everyone is as miserable as her.  It’s a psychological defense mechanism. They try to make themselves feel superior by making others sad. Doesn’t work, does it? Its always some else’s problem, huh?  The old me, would have tried to help, “fix” these damaged people.  But I have spent half of my life trying to no avail.  I am not responsible for someone else’s happiness.  Only mine.  The old me would have stuck around, been a doormat – thank goodness, no more.

I choose to live my life responsibly, deliciously, deliriously happy…

My way of dealing with negative people:  “Out of my sight! Thou dost infect mine eyes.” – Shakespeare, Richard III

And in the words of Shaw, “The trouble with many is that they lack the power of conversation but not the power of speech.” …so ignore the lies in their empty words.

“Don’t compare yourself with anyone in this world…if you do so, you are insulting yourself.” – Gates

♥ LML ♥  Breathing, moving forward, transforming my life….


Waiting for MY forever…♥

It’s been the longest short week already…today, working from home, watching movies.

Anyone see the movie, “Waiting for Forever”?  Love the character, Will Donner, played by Tom Sturridge.  So young, so soulfully beautiful!!

“I am imagining a day…where I get up…and I know that I will not see you…because you’re far away. Okay? I will not see you. No chance. Will not. And now I’m imagining a day, when I get up, and I know that I might see you. Okay? Might. Could. Maybe.  Of those two days, that’s the day I want, that’s the day I choose. And how can one step away from you…ever be anything for me but a step in the wrong direction? How?”

What happens when one person is more committed to a friendship, relationship than the other?  When one is invested more than the other?  What happens when one person never stops thinking that another person is the most important person in their life; yet the other person is unaware?  What happens when one person believes them both to be forever linked?

I strongly believe love doesn’t hurt.  Love is never really the problem.  Don’t blame love if a failed relationship interfered with your other important relationships, or robbed you of your self-esteem and personal freedoms.  No, don’t blame love.  For it wasn’t love that stole from you.  It was possession.  It was obsession.  It was manipulation.  It was confusion.  It was dishonesty.  It was immaturity.  Love had nothing to do with your situation.  For love doesn’t close the door against all that is good.  It opens it wide to let more goodness in.  Love creates freedom and abundance.

 

I strongly believe forgiveness is always the right choice. Anyone can hold a grudge, but it takes a special person with strong character to forgive.  When you forgive, you release yourself from a painful burden.  And no, forgiveness doesn’t mean what happened was OK; and it doesn’t mean that person should still be welcome in your life.  It simply means you have made peace with the pain, and are ready to let it go and move on with your life.

Love requires three things: acceptance, honesty, and commitment.  Love comes when you care more about who the other person really is, rather than about who you think they should become.  It’s about daring to reveal yourself honestly, and daring to be open and vulnerable over the long-term.  It’s about sticking by each other’s side through thick and thin, and truly being there in the flesh and spirit when you’re needed most.  Remember, the most romantic love story is not Romeo and Juliet who died young together; it’s the story of grandma and grandpa who helped each other through life, and grew old together.  I am still waiting on my 50 year forever.

I strongly believe a big part of who we are is connected to who we choose to surround ourselves with. Fate controls who walks into your life, but you decide who you let walk out, who you let stay, and who you refuse to let go.  Surround yourself with people who make you a better person, and let go of those who don’t.

A soul mate is a person who brings out the best in you.  They are far from perfect, but they are a perfect fit for you.  Remember, every relationship has its problems, but what makes it perfect is when you wouldn’t want to be anywhere else, even when times are tough.  I met my soul mate many eons ago, but he was taken way too early from me.  I ask myself all of the time, Am I lucky enough to find another soul mate??  Waiting for my forever…♥


Ah…wise words read, heard, shared today…

The worst thing about being lied to is simply knowing you weren’t worth the truth…

It’s not hard to find someone who tells you they love you, it’s hard to find someone who actually means it…

That feeling you get when he kisses your neck…

When you choose to forgive those who have hurt you, you take away their power…

If someone wants you, nothing will keep them away, but if they don’t want you, nothing will make them stay!

Love waits for one thing; The right moment…

A wise man said to me today:  “Give me a kiss to build a dream on”…

Give me a kiss to build a dream on
And my imagination will thrive upon that kiss
Sweetheart, I ask no more than this
A kiss to build a dream on

Give me a kiss before you leave me
And my imagination will feed my hungry heart
Leave me one thing before we part
A kiss to build a dream on

And when I’m alone with my fancies, I’ll be with you
Weaving romances, making believe they’re true

Oh, give me your lips for just a moment
And my imagination will make that moment live
Give me what you alone can give
A kiss to build a dream on

When I’m alone with my fancies, I’ll be with you
Weaving romances, making believe they’re true

Oh, give me lips for just a moment
And my imagination will make that moment live
Oh, give me what you alone can give
A kiss to build a dream on…


Reflections of a Year

Happy Holidays, Everyone!  I hope you have all been enjoying the holiday season and its many celebrations.   I have been blessed with love, warmth, meals, and friends, and yes – some truly wonderful gifts…♥

The past year for me has been a journey of discovery and re-direction in many ways.  It has been a time of quiet reflection, a time to gather my memories of my pasts, and learn how to accept love into my life again.  Aside from some grief and feeling of loss it has brought serious contemplation of the importance of friends, family, the necessity of unassailable caring for one another and the need to resolve differences and reach a level of unimpeachable understanding between us all.   And it hasn’t and still isn’t always easy to accomplish.   I have been fortunate though – so many times this past year, I have felt at peace, sense of quiet faith that all will be well in the future.

These last few days of the year will be all abuzz with chatter of the past year’s best of, hottest this, latest that.  And even more than that, everybody will most likely vow a commitment to some act of self-improvement for the upcoming year.   Ah – the infamous New Year’s Resolution.   Good intentions, that most often fall by the wayside only to be regarded as lists of would’ve, could’ve, should’ve.

Want to know why I don’t believe in New Year’s Resolutions?!   I have said this many times – they are an excuse to take the bad parts of your life and flaunt them with the promise that you’ll change them; they’re an excuse to realize you have messed up and are going to change without being ashamed.  But there is no shame in wanting to change.  We are constantly changing, whether we know it or not.  Take a year and live it one day at a time; you’d be surprised how much can change on its own when you’re not making dreamy long-term goals.  That is how I have lived my life…and now here I am and I don’t know how to accept people who don’t.

At this time of year, we naturally think back over the past twelve months and look ahead towards the future.  Looking back at times gone by (Auld Lang Syne) can be a good thing, especially if we focus on the stuff we’ve accomplished and the adventures we’ve had with friends or family. I think reflecting on our accomplishments and giving thanks for our good fortune is healthy.  But what about looking forward?

So I wonder how many of us will make New Year’s resolutions:  Lose weight.  Sleep enough hours.  Hit the gym.  Cut out the fast food.  Quit smoking.  Drink less.

If you’re looking for a new way to approach your outlook on the New Year, try this instead. Take a moment for some silent self-reflection on the past year and use where you are today to get where you want to be tomorrow.  While I’m not one for New Year’s Resolutions, I am committed to setting goals.

This coming January, concludes my first year writing this blog.  What a journey it has been.  I want to thank all of my followers for taking time out to read some of my musings.  This has been a very disparate year for me – looking for love, fighting demons of insecurities, loss, dealing with cancer, re-connecting with family and friends, looking for work, joining support group, volunteer work…the year is ending on  a very positive note for me…finding a great man and steady work have been true blessings.

How about you?  Are you setting resolutions goals for the new calendar year?


“I’m Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year”

This poem is dedicated to those who have lost loved ones , which have gone to be with the lord during the past year, who are
spending their Christmas in Heaven.

” I’m Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year”

I see the countless Christmas trees
around the world below
with tiny lights like heaven stars
reflecting on the snow

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that that tear
For I’m spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear
O’, the sounds of music can’t compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

For I have no words to tell you
of the joy their voices bring
for it’s beyond description
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
but, through our memories so dear..
We’re never far apart.

I can’t tell you of the splendor
or the peace here in this place
Can you just imagine Christmas
with Our Savior…….face-to-face.

I’ll ask him to light your spirit
As I tell him of your Love.
Then I’ll pray for ‘One another’
As you lift your eyes above.

So please let your heart be joyful
and let your spirit sing
for I’m spending Christmas in heaven
and I’m walking with the king.

 

Miss you Papi, AJ, and MM.  Always in my thoughts and heart….always your baby girl.  ♥


A Thanksgiving Message

As we celebrate Thanksgiving, let’s remember that the holiday’s name is a compound word – Thanks and Giving.   Let’s all try to find and carry out  new ways for enhancing the celebration of Thanksgiving and the entire holiday season ahead.

Despite obvious challenges, each of us has something to be thankful for – our lives, families, friendships, and work. While there is no perfection in life, I hope you consider the glass more than half full for most of us most of the time. Thanking those whom we love, admire, depend upon, and have positive relationships with is an important, but too infrequently practiced an activity.  Let’s try and practice saying, “Thank You” more than a few times in the next few weeks.   “God gave you a gift of 86,400 seconds today. Have you used one to say “thank you?” (William A. Ward).

Here are some Thanks-Giving Thoughts – practice, share them…

Share with those with less fortunate than you.  Consider the gift of one week’s grocery bill donated to a community food bank, domestic violence or homeless shelter, foster parent or elder services association as a gesture of appreciation for what we have, and what others do for the less fortunate.

Express your gratitude in word and deed to those who care for others as a profession or as volunteers. Compliment the good works of caregivers for our children and frail elders. Those caring individuals who clean the bottoms of babies and the bed-ridden, and help nurture and stimulate their minds, deserve the kindnesses of family members and neighbors all though the year, but especially at holiday time.

Give time to a worthy cause. Our volunteer time builds community and creates a great example for our youth.   Whether we choose to sing in a choir, read to a child, blind person, mentor a youth, collect coats for the homeless, or visit a lonely elder, our time is a priceless gift which appreciates in value.

Conserve energy resources by consuming less fuel, reusing, and recycling.  Our throw away culture is feeding our landfills with trash, and our air and water absorb the residue of pollutants. Preserving our environment is self-preservation, as well as a life-saving gift to wildlife, plant-life, and our children’s children.

Slow down.   Stop and smell the roses!  Whether behind the steering wheel or in conversation with others, speed is not a good thing.  Being in a perpetual hurry endangers our lives on the road, and cuts short our relationships with others. Give yourself a few extra minutes in transit to be a safe driver especially during the holidays and wintry weather…and listen a bit longer to the words in conversation with loved ones and co-workers.  Actively listen and show others that positive attention is a gift worth giving.

Put technology in its place. We live in a high-tech, low-touch culture, governed by the beeps, buzzes, and blinking lights of technology. As time is compressed, stress grows.  Immediate response raises expectations, reduces careful consideration, and makes us more prone to error. Take a breather from all the technology, and ask others to be considerate in public and private spaces by turning the “on” switch “off.”  We all need to rediscover that eye contact and voices are great ways to show we are focusing our attention on those who seek it.  Cell phone, e-mail should not keep our loved ones on hold.

Advocate with assertion, not aggression. Free speech is not an invitation to be offensive.  Responsible advocacy requires thoughtful purpose, practical solutions, and open conversation. Clear and consistent communication with allies and adversaries alike sets the stage for progress.  Let’s all try to express ourselves in a heart-felt way with composure and grace.

Health is a form of wealth.   So many people sadly take it for granted.  Making sure we eat right, exercise, and take time to rest and relax are the keys to clear thinking and long-term effectiveness.  Our bodies cannot support us unless our minds resolve to take care and be careful.  And if we are not healthy, we can’t care of others.

Take optimism pills every morning….the time-release kind!  🙂  Negativity is contagious. Those who believe they will make a difference can achieve their goals.  Pessimism is the mind’s way of giving up before the first step is taken. Those who want to make a change for the better in their lives, neighborhood, and the world around them, should stop whining and start winning –  and if you want a glass of wine afterwards, that is acceptable!  🙂

As we plan for the holiday season, we should recognize that there are neighbors, young and elder, whose weeks ahead are not brimming with joy. For whatever reason, in whatever circumstance, we well know that there are people in need who can be helped if we choose to do so.

To honor and remember a family member or neighbor who was there for you when you needed them most, please thank those who illuminate our paths, exemplify kindness, teach justice, and nurture our futures – what a fitting tribute to the legacy of our ancestors and what a positive example for our future.

Try to remember and focus – your work, the gifts you share, and the example you set is an inspiration to one or many….♥


National Pursuit of Happiness Week

It’s already Day 5 of National Pursuit of Happiness Week.  Sad that we even need a full week to remind us to pursue and find what makes us happy.

If Hurricane Sandy did nothing but force us all to slow down and appreciate what we have, then some good came out of that weather insanity.  If you are feeling overwhelmed – slow down. When we slow down we breathe more deeply, which makes us feel better. Sounds simple enough. Are you taking time each day to celebrate the good and let go of the bad?  It seems we get so caught up in the day-to-day that we forget to take some time to be still. When we take time to be still we can appreciate what we have and that lifts our spirits.

As the Dalai Lama tells us in his book The Art of Happiness:

‘In the same way, a situation that you initially perceive as 100 percent negative may have some positive aspects to it. But I think that even if you have discovered a positive angle to a bad situation that alone is often not enough. You still need to reinforce that idea. So you may need to remind yourself of that positive angle many times, until gradually your feeling changes.’

Have you thought about it? Are you so busy going through the day-to-day that you’ve forgotten the big picture?  Or are you bored senseless and just going through the motions?

I used to be downright bashful unless I felt I was in safe company. And now I just try not to care – I giggle out loud, sometimes at inopportune times, I skip, I trip, fall, laugh and get back up.  I kiss my dog, whisper to him, walk and play around. Do people look at me and think I am nuts?  I am sure – sometimes.  But I no longer care.   I enjoy and need to have fun goofing around.  I can recall so many stupid moments, and giggle aloud.  Giggling reminds me and gives me permission to lighten-up and have some fun…Do you hold back the true you? Is there a playful person hiding under layers of fear? Has the essence of you been squelched out by life’s challenges and limitations?  Don’t let it.  Its been a struggle, but I no longer allow the old uptight person come out of me.  I have to strangle that person.

I hope you all go out today and laugh out loud… and go about your day feeling lighter and gigglier…♥

Came across this and thought I should share:

Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness Week 3: The Pursuit of Happiness

Speaker: Trey Kelly Follow @treykelly
Date: October 29, 2012

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.

But what is Life? What is Liberty? And what is Happiness?

Is it a good job? A house in the suburbs? A beautiful wife, 2.5 kids and a dog? Is it all the money you’ll ever need. Is it a fancy car?

Life is more than just living. Liberty is more than just being free. And there’s only one source of true happiness.

Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Redefining the American Dream.


Longing for Romance…

Sitting here at work, counting down the minutes to when I can go home.  I am supposed to go on a date – but have been wary lately of dating.  I tend to date very selfish men because of my very giving nature and I am tired of being anyone’s doormat.

I long for romance though.  I never intended this blog to be about dating, relationship problems or a living with cancer blog – but I guess all of those define me right now…so this is my space for venting, wishing, dreaming…about a life full of love, cancer free and just easy breezy carefree smiling.  A girl can dream… 🙂

Some people compartmentalize their cancer experience and not think about it again. That doesn’t work well for me these days. Like it or not, cancer is part of my life, so I feel the need to share it.
And having had cancer is not all bad. People who have been through serious illness don’t take much for granted.  I know – trust me.  I am grateful for every little second.  I forgive quickly, move forward quickly.

But in this world where everyone is in a rush, people don’t take the time for true old-fashioned romance.  I long for days of yesterdays where texting ILU didn’t replace sweet gestures.  I am looking for someone who understands that romance doesn’t end or start in the bedroom, or reserved for special anniversaries.

When I find a man who know s how to move me with his words, thoughts  then I will have Saturday nights filled with romance….like I already said a girl can dream…

Famous Love Letters: Ludwig von Beethoven:

My angel, my all, my very self

We shall surely see each other soon; moreover, today I cannot share with you the thoughts I have had during these last few days touching my own life –

If our hearts were always close together, I would have none of these.

My heart is full of so many things to say to you – ah – there are moments when I feel that speech amounts to nothing at all –Cheer up – remain my true, my only treasure, my all as I am yours.

Ah, wherever I am, there you are also –

Much as you love me – I love you more –

Oh God – so near! so far!

Is not our love truly a heavenly structure, and also as firm as the vault of heaven?

my thoughts go out to you, my Immortal Beloved, now and then joyfully, then sadly, waiting to learn whether or not fate will hear us –

I can live only wholly with you or not at all –

No one else can ever possess my heart – never – never –

Oh God, why must one be parted from one whom one so loves.

Be calm, only by a calm consideration of our existence can we achieve our purpose to live together –

Be calm – love me – today – yesterday – what tearful longings for you – you – you – my life – my all – farewell.

Oh continue to love me – never misjudge the most faithful heart of your beloved.

ever thine

ever mine

ever ours

Your faithful Ludwig

Famous Love Letters: Napoleon Bonaparte:

I wake filled with thoughts of you. Your portrait and the intoxicating evening which we spent yesterday have left my senses in turmoil.

Sweet incomparable Josephine, what a strange effect you have on my heart!

Yielding to the profound feelings which overwhelm me, I draw from your lips, from your heart a love which consumes me with fire?

Until then, mio dolce amor, a thousand kisses; but give me none in return, for they set my blood on fire.


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