Category Archives: Good bye

Good bye …

I have spent the last few years struggling….emotionally, physically, financially – and despite or perhaps in spite of all, I have tried to find love. I always believed if I could find just one person who will love me, have my back, things will make sense. But I learned that you can’t find true anything, especially love when you are so lost and struggling. You find pieces. I have allowed the wrong people in my life the past few years.

I recently found myself so sad, crying inconsolably because an ex found happiness with another woman. Yet when the tears dried, I took a good look in the mirror and asked myself what was that all about – you don’t even want him back. All true. We were toxic together. But in my vulnerable state, I made it all about me and my own feelings of unworthiness. I thought I was too sick, too broke, too old – that is why he is treating her so much better than me. I kept questioning myself and a few friends, why could he change for her but not for me? Why does he love her more than he ever loved me? Ha! My eyes are wide open now.

I am sure there are many of us out there who dated a guy, had some great times with him and then he says something like he doesn’t want to be in a relationship or that he’s not ready to settle down. Then BAM … six months later, you find out he’s engaged to the next woman. Huh? How did that happen? And even more curious still … why her and not me? I have learned, the hard way, it’s not about me. I would obsess about all – what went wrong, how things could have been better, different, what the new woman has that I don’t, etc. I could go on and on, but the real question has been: Why am I obsessing over a man that clearly didn’t want, love or respect me?

No more losing sleep on someone who is just not worth my time nor energy. I can see how my friends may think that all my lamenting means I am not over him, or I want him back. But its not about that. For me, its about learning, accepting, growth. Honestly, it’s not that my ex never recognized that I was a good woman; I truly believe he just wasn’t ready to grow. If we are lucky, we all grow and change over time. Certain experiences, both positive and negative, change us forever.

In any relationship, there are unintended hurts, offenses, and betrayals. Over time some things are resolved, some things are healed, and some things create wounds that begin to erode the relationship despite the attempts to move past it.

When someone new comes into the picture it creates a new dynamic. It’s a clean slate, for one thing. There is none of the history, hurt, and toxicity in the new relationship. Since the new person is different the whole relationship is different. And hopefully we have learned valuable lessons from the last relationship. For me, I choose no more self-blame. I understand now how I allowed some of his behavior. I take responsibility for my part.

Naturally, I have seen him step up when a woman doesn’t take any nonsense – You could say he respects a woman who won’t tolerate his nonsense. But in reality, I shouldn’t care so much how different he is with her. What I see is all surface. I have no idea what is really going down behind closed doors, and I shouldn’t. He’s her problem now.

I logically understand that my ex may remember some of the things that were important to me and do them for his new girl. Since she didn’t have to beg, or even ask, she reacts with delight that he is so thoughtful. He feels good because it she seems so simple to please. Its a beautiful cycle. Yes, basically, she is getting the benefit of my past struggles with him. I get it. At first, trust me, I was hurt, I didn’t like it. But with each passing day, I am a little more thankful. I am even a little happy for him, and her. Yes, I am. They make a great looking couple. I hope it lasts. But then I recall just how bad it was, and just how narcissistic he was. And I almost feel bad for both of them. He has issues that he needs to resolve before getting too serious with anyone. I just hope he receives the help he needs.

A friend reminded me that some people, especially a narcissist don’t really change. He will romance this new lady just like he did me at first. He will be charming, romantic, sensitive, and he will be everything she always wanted in a man. He will tell her how different she is from me, how she is his dream woman, and how I never appreciated him. He will deny any angry outbursts or violence but if he can’t deny it he will explain it away as it being a “very difficult time” in his life – subtly casting the blame on me.

He will make her feel like a princess as long as she is providing something he needs – supporting him financially, admiration, a place to stay, or the “look” of a normal, responsible man. I couldn’t pretend for long – this is why we never worked.

Sadly, for some people, things don’t really change. A person can only hide, run from the truth for a certain amount of time. Eventually she is not going to be enough for him either – she’ll suffer a financial setback, gain some weight, get an illness, or become aware of his crap. The pattern will continue, but luckily not for me.

Yes, I need to accept the fact that my ex is going to treat women in other relationships differently than he treated me. I am learning not to make take it so personally. It’s not a true statement about who I am. My ex failed to see my true value. His loss. So a final good bye. I am working on me – rebuilding my life, my strength, my health, and regaining my self-confidence and just moving on forward … with grace in my step and hope in my heart.

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Beverley Mitchell – Angel

Play Song
“Angel”

Have you ever met an angel
Whose smile is like the sun
Whose laugh is like a melody
That reaches everyone

Have you ever hugged an angel
Swept up in their embrace
And swear there’s nothing in this world
That makes you feel that safe

[Chorus:]
Have you ever really loved an angel
Once you have you’ll never be the same again
Have you ever had to let go of an angel
Say goodbye, let ’em fly, my angel, my best friend

Have you felt the strength of an angel
When you needed it the most
Lifted by those gentle wings
You know you’re not alone
Every now and then I feel the peace inside
Wherever life may take me, I’m guided by that light

[Chorus:]
Have you ever really loved an angel
Once you have you’ll never be the same again
Have you ever had to let go of an angel
Say goodbye, let ’em fly, my angel, my best friend

Cause I have really loved an angel
How could I ever be the same
Cause I have had to let go of my angel
Say goodbye, let ’em fly, my angel, my best friend…♥


Welcome 2014…BELIEVE!

With the New Year here, comes the annual New Year’s resolutions….I have never been a big fan of resolutions…more a fan of setting goals. So, some of my goals for 2014 are some of the same I set for 2013 but was sidetracked when I got hit by a car in January…one, is to learn more about wine. Physical health goals include: eat healthier somehow; lose weight to feel better, tone up; dare to wear a bikini this coming summer; start walking more again. Career goals: I want to get my PMP. Look for a better, more challenging job; earn more money.

And for the more emotional goals…I will continue to be more selfish, putting myself first, loving myself. Seek out more like-minded people. Be more confident. I want to get over my anxiety of walking, falling, breaking bones…I want to be able to cross the street where I got hit by a car…and not panic. I want to be more brave.

My love relationship goals seem the most elusive to me, somehow. Last night, as it neared midnight and the ball was about to descend upon Times Square, I looked around and that special someone to kiss was nowhere to be found. *sigh* And my initial thoughts were, “Alone again this year”. Then my little Chili dog, just licked my face and I found myself smiling through my tears. There will always be a smile…

If your life wasn’t what you thought it would be in 2013, don’t despair. Too often, we feel pressured to have our lives in perfect order on New Year’s Eve / Day, complete with a killer sparkly sequined dress at an over-hyped party and someone to kiss at midnight. When the fireworks don’t go off as planned, we’re left feeling unsatisfied and disappointed. But this is not what ringing in a new year is all about. Instead, it’s a time for renewal, rebirth and new beginnings.

I found myself single on New Year’s Eve, still disillusioned from a broken engagement last year and dating woes…I was drained of all my emotional energy and completely disconnected from myself. I know I need a new beginning and a new relationship – with myself and eventually, a new boyfriend. Obsessing over what went wrong and forever mourning my failed relationships only make me feel depressed, not motivated to move on. So instead, I wrote myself a list of goals based upon the lessons I have learned.

My writing and my lists help me remember where I’ve been, what I continue to learn… I know all too well how resilient I can be and what I want (and don’t want) for my future.

I know in order to move forward in 2014, I must find more ways to empty my heart and soul of all the negative energy from all of my relationships – family, friends and love -passed. I am starting this New Year, trying not to lament over things gone wrong, taking each set back as a lesson learned, opening my eyes with a fresh, positive outlook and an open heart to welcome all that the New Year has to offer.

I still believe in love…The message from the one of the classic children’s books Polar Express was simple: believe. No matter how old you are or how many times you have to start over, we must believe that love is out there and that we are deserving of it. I will stay open to love. We all have a list of qualities we’re looking for in someone, but I am working on not ruling someone out just because they don’t match up to all on my checklist. We may miss out on something better than you could have imagined or asked for on a list. Rip up the checklist, the pros and cons list. Yes, life is short…there’s only so much time we can spend analyzing whether or not that person is the one. Instead, follow your heart but also listen to your instincts.

This year, I vow to guard my heart better. The past few years, I find myself drawn to relationships with men who are unstable or treat me poorly. I am no longer allowing it nor make excuses for them. Now that I am learning how to walk gain, soon I will be able to run the other way and protect my heart from those who will harm me.

I am more than ever really determined to continue to love myself and put myself first. We’ve all heard that you can’t love anyone unless you love yourself. This is true. If you’re not taking care of your own physical, emotional or mental needs, you won’t be able to devote yourself to a healthy, loving relationship. FACT!! It’s kind of like a flight attendant’s emergency instructions. You need to put on an oxygen mask on yourself first before you tend to everyone else.

I have to learn how to nor be so codependent. I am learning that if I want to find a healthy relationship, I have to work on not being their caretaker. Need to stop mothering people who are grown, capable adults, people who are only using me to their advantage at their expense or people who don’t really care about me. Learning to redirect, use my energy to start taking care of myself.

Learning how not to take rejection personally. When people judge or criticize you, don’t take it to heart. Instead, ask yourself, does their opinion really matter to me? And more often than not, the answer will be no! Is there merit to what they’re saying and is there something I need to work on? Life’s too short to care about what other people think about you.

Don’t expect perfection from others — or yourself. I have been working on this for a long time…I understand, there’s no such thing as perfection, so don’t expect or demand it from yourself or anyone else in your life. Even if you know you could do better for yourself, or someone or something disappoints you, remember that no one, not even you, can do everything perfectly. Learn to let it go…somehow.

Determined to set real boundaries. Sometimes, we want to do it all but there are not enough hours in the day. If we try to do too much for the people we love, we could be left feeling drained and overwhelmed. I learned this the hard way last year. I have always been the first one to drop all for someone in need. When I had my accident, I realized how alone I really was. How hurt and frustrating it was when I couldn’t get dressed, walk my dog…but no one stepped up and offered to help me, especially those first few weeks. Setting boundaries in your life and your relationships is not only healthy, but it’s necessary. Learning to say the word ‘no’.

Be patient with yourself. This is hard…since I tend to feel lost, defeated…when I can’t reach my goal. But as they say, “It’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey”. Ever just find yourself rushing and then wonder how, why things crash and burn?! Learning to appreciate the path so that I don’t miss what it’s trying to tell me. Ears and eyes wide open.

Determined to accept my own friendship. Let’s all try talking to ourselves as you would a friend. You’d never really tell a friend that they’re not good enough, pretty enough or smart enough to be loved, so why would you talk to yourself that way?! Be kind to yourself. This goes back to putting ourselves first!

I will remain hopeful…I have proven that I can weather whatever storm comes my way because I keep hope in my soul. Grace in my step. Love in my heart.

And will continue to do so….♥

Beleive


Frenemies…

The worst kinds of enemies are those who pretend to be your friends…yes, sadly true…and all around me.

I have no real need nor time for people who come to me when they need me, then throw me aside when they are fine.

Learned the hard way that fake friends are like your shadow, they follow you in the sun, but leave your side when it gets dark.

My accident this past January has really opened my eyes as to who my real friends are in my personal as well as my work life.

It’s really hard to trust people these days. I find myself always looking over my shoulder these days, waiting for the back stabbing knife in my back. We must be so careful who we share our weaknesses with. Learning that some people can’t wait for the opportunity to use them against us.

False friends, frenemies, are people who pretend to be a friend and then turn out to be just the opposite. Yup!! There are some people who get close to you for the specific reason to make fun of you behind your back, delight in the misery you endure, use you for whatever you can give them, and find out about your life so they can gossip about it later. Sad…especially when we are no longer in high school.

Because we generally want to see the best in people, we may give false friends several chances to prove that they are more than an enemy in disguise. However, when you discover a false friend in your life, you should distance yourself from them. Life is too short to be surrounded with people who don’t really care about you. So negativity be gone. I have cut people out of my life…who have proven they are no longer a true friend.

There are different types of friends – so called friends:

– The Opportunist: Use and abuse, and never return a favor.
– Egocentric, self centered: Always talking about themselves, brags a lot.
– The woe is me friend: only seek you out for therapy, and tend to hold grudges.
– The true fake friend: Smiles in your face, talks behind your back.
– Snobby friends – lack mutual respect.
– Spy friend or interloper: uses, interferes, intervenes, climbing on you – these are the jealous ones, they take ownership of your ideas, efforts, etc. Watch out for the blackmail. sigh
– Ignores: They meet someone, start a new romance and all of a sudden, they don’t return calls, break plans, etc.

All of these “friends” are missing out on a very important part of their emotional life. In the long run, they are ones that will lack the balance and support that friendship can give. And us poor gentle souls are better off without them. These fair weather friends only want to come around when they need your sun to shine on their dark and gloomy days. I know I have enough sunshine but I no longer need the shadows.

And because I have a big heart, have been accused of being naive and gullible…I tend to give people many chances. But knowing when to leave a friendship is more crucial to me these days. Choosing to let friends go is never an easy thing. If your friend has consistently shown you that they will leave you high and dry, it may be time to walk away. Sometimes we give people the benefit of the doubt and immediately think of them as our friend, when they perhaps don’t feel the same way. Maybe they are using you, or maybe they just don’t know how to be a friend. Either way, wish them the best and mean it, and then return to the people in your life who do treat you well….I am….♥

‪#‎ThingsThatAnnoyMe‬: Why try and be fake when being real takes less effort? ‪#‎HateFake‬


A FINE FRENZY – ALMOST LOVER

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you’d never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you’re gone and I’m haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do


A very Happy Birthday goes out to the Heavens…

Wishing a happy, heavenly birthday to the funniest, kindest, sweetest, gentlest man I’ve ever known…My father…♥

Today is a hard day for me – I miss my Dad – he would have been 72!

♥ Happy Birthday to my Papi in Heaven. Forever in my heart. ♥
If There Are Roses In Heaven, Will You Send One Just For Me
So I Can Hold It Close To My Heart, Where You Will Always Be
I Will Lay It On My Pillow Each Night, As The Angels Tuck Me In
I Will Know That You Are Near Me, And Feel Your Presence Once Again
I Am Thankful For All The Years, You Were There To Help Me Through

I was down the Jersey shore yesterday and it brought up so many good memories of my Dad and I…

He always allowed us to bury him in the sand

Never complained when we wanted junk food from the boardwalk

Always played skee ball with me… (and let me win)

Loved orange creamsicles just like me

Crabbing

Fishing

All good times…even when it rained, he always found a way to make me laugh.

I went towards his fav place the other day – AC.  And I  passed a few Pepsi trucks early on – so I knew my guradian angels were with me.  *sigh* I miss you…every day…still your lil Indian Princess ♥

It’s so easy to take time for granted, but one day God chooses to take them home. And, it’s harder than words can express. I have such sweet memories of my life with him, memories I will cherish forever…I’m quite sure cake tastes even better in heaven!

For those of you whose fathers are still here are on earth with you – don’t forget to hug their necks tight and tell them you love them – each day.

You were like a rock

Strong, predictable and true

I was your youngest daughter –

Daddy’s little girl

I took my own path

But was still part of your world

I miss burying you in the sand down the Jersey shore

I miss walking on your back

I miss your hugs as your whiskers scratched my face

I miss you sleeping it off on my sofa when I lived near Branch Brook

I miss sitting on your lap as you called me your lucky charm as you beat everyone at dominos,

I miss you driving me and my sorority sisters to concerts…

I just miss you…Papi!

I always loved you

Papi, my Angel

Now my pain is

To worship you from afar

To remember you in pieces…

I love you now

As I did back then

I just hope… one day

I will see you again!

I love and miss you so much, sleep well

and take care of my other Angel who went before you

Forever in my heart xo  ♥

A Happy, Heavenly Birthday For My Papi In Heaven!

If roses grow in heaven,

Lord please pick a bunch for me,

Place them in my father’s arms
And tell him they’re from me.

Tell him that I love him and miss him,
And when he turns to smile,
Place a kiss upon his cheek
And hold him for awhile.
Because remembering him is easy,
I do it every day,
But there’s an ache within my heart
Because I am missing him today. ♥


Missing my brother…he is my Angel…

I truly can’t believe my baby brother has been gone now for 18 years.  Seriously where does the time go?!  Today I woke up and the sun was shining and I was thinking nice, peaceful thoughts and then it just happens like it just hits me – I can’t breathe, I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I miss him so much. It’s so hard to lose someone you love – all the words in the world can’t take away this sadness I feel at times. But I try to live my life the best I can. I try to live my life fully for him too….he was only 25 years young, taken from us at the beginning of his prime.  So many things he didn’t get to do, or experience…so I keep that in mind as I live my life.  Life after death…I have found the will over and over again to live every day. Death…that is why I never stay mad at anyone – I imagine them dead, so it’s easier to forgive them. I believe that there is some order, some purpose to all of this. I have stopped asking why my little brother. It still hurts so much but I have accepted that it has happened and whatever the reasons, they are not for me to know. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t wish I could just hear his voice one more time…

For a long time, I thought it would be easier, better not to invest in people – they leave, they die. Scary. But now I have learned that the alternative is so much worse. I am not going to convince anyone that losing AJ has made me a better person, I sometimes still get angry, sad. And most days it hurts so much, I can’t breathe. But the thought of never having had AJ in my life – now that would have been truly unbearable.

Love you, AJ. Missing you….xo to my Angels… ♥♥


Ah music…

Does music affect your mood or does your mood affect what music you listen to?

I’m going to have to say my MOOD always dictates what I listen to and for how long.  Let’s say if I get in the mood for a Classical moment I will only listen for a little while then switch to whatever my mood tells me to switch to.

I actually think it’s a bit of both as well most times. Music very much affects my mood and if I go up or down that will tell me what’s next on the list. I’m a sucker for a great love song and rich, full voices.

What goes into getting a job as a soundtrack adviser / consultant for film? Hmmmm…

Well this is what I just finished watching Life As We Know It again, and I love their soundtrack.   This one song heard again, listening to and its been on a few soundtracks for other movies, soap operas, etc:  Roberta Flack’s “Hey, That’s No Way to Say Goodbye” – Definitely fits my mood right this minute…♥

Roberta Flack – Hey, That’s No Way To Say Goodbye

I loved you in the morning, our kisses deep and warm
And your hair upon the pillow like a sleepy golden storm
Many loved before us, I know we are not new
And in city and in forest they love like me and you
But now it’s come to distances, both of us must try
Your eyes filled with sorrow
Hey, that’s no way to say goodbye
I’m not looking for another as I wander in my time
Walk me to the corner, our steps will always rhyme
You know my heart goes with you, your love stays with me
It’s just the way life changes, like the shoreline of the sea
But let’s not talk of love or chains, things we can’t untie
Your eyes are fill with sorrow
Hey, that’s no way to say goodbye

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