Category Archives: Flashback

I know I will see you again …

I get so more melancholy and turn more quietly inward – especially between August through September. I have lost so many people I truly loved. For the past 13 years, I dread today. I dread the anniversary and the repeated replays of the planes, the impacts, the fireballs and the collapsing towers.

It truly is like ripping off a Band-Aid … but my heart feels this open wound. Today, 13 years ago, I lost four true friends, one my irreplaceable heart, my soul mate.

The days will always be brighter because he existed. The nights will always be darker because he’s gone. And no matter what anybody says about grief, and about time healing all wounds, the truth is, there are certain sorrows that never fade away until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken. Always my heart ♥mm♥ …(Excerpt from Tiffanie DeBartolo, God-Shaped Hole)

I have come to realize that destiny can hurt a person as much as it can bless them, and I find myself wondering why – out of all the people in all the world I could ever have loved – I had to fall in love with someone who was taken away from me.

One day he was there and then all of a sudden, he is gone. There’s less of him each passing year. And you wonder where that part went – if it’s living somewhere, outside of you, and you keep thinking maybe you’ll get it back. And then you realize…it’s just gone.

Many say it’s easier to burn than to build; many say it’s easier to hurt than to heal…But I say you lose when you give up what you love…And I’ve lived my life without that long enough.

I hold pieces of him; I hold them so tight that they eventually become pieces of myself that am still learning to grow from but never away from. I hold onto them so tight that they eventually become the only pieces that can hold my shaky bones together. They become the only pieces that can keep this broken heart of mine held together…

Have you ever thought that if one thing hadn’t happened, a whole set of things never would have either? Like dominoes in time, a single event kicked off an unstoppable series of changes that gained momentum and spun out of control, and nothing was ever the same again. Don’t ever doubt that a mere second can change your life forever. It can. It has. Everything does really happen for a reason.

I’ve got no more illusions…I know I’ll see you again…but for today, I am allowing myself to fully experience the full impact of my loss. Grieving all over again. Grief…I am following it, crying when I want to, yelling at God, screaming into my pillow, and avoiding most people and definitely the news.

Grief is itself the only medicine I need right now. And anyone who doesn’t understand this or who can’t accept, stay away from me. So fake better stay away from me.

“After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. You learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises. You learn that loving doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t always mean security, and you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. After a while you learn to build all your dreams on today because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for dreams, and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn to accept your defeats with your head held with the grace of a woman and not the grief of a child. After a while you learn to plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really are strong, that you really do have self worth, and you can endure, and you learn and learn, with every “goodbye” you learn…” (Veronica A. Shoffstall)

“I am not the happiest person. In fact, in the battle between joy and misery, I’d say that the latter often seems to prevail. I don’t like this, and every day I refuse, for the eighty millionth time, to put up with another minute of it. But the world does what it does, and I often find it disagreeable. After all these years, I’m kind of resigned to that. But I do have one thing on my side: I have enormous faith. And hope. I am not speaking of the kind you find in church or in the afterlife or in heaven or in the Saint James Bible or in the Hare Krishna’s that we all encounter changing flights in the airports of the world, I am speaking of a simple faith that says that one way or another, no matter how many times I stumble and stub my big toe, somehow life is going to work itself out.” (Elizabeth Wurtzel)

candles

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On My Journey….Surviving…

Today marks a year that I was hit by a car. I have yet to cross the street where it all happened. But it’s a new years goal that I am confident I will conquer and reach.

Whenever I feel like something is missing, I know it means I need to get out of my comfort zone, explore, shake things up and have fun. Sometimes it leads to a whole new direction for my whole life, which is the ultimate adventure.

This whole past year has been about feeling the fear and trying to find ways around that fear without it fully debilitating me. I love what I’m learning about myself and the growth I’m feeling. I’m learning a bit of fear is not the worst thing in the world!

One of the most upsetting thing though is how my mind keeps flashing these “alternate reality” scenarios in my head. PTSD! I still experience these horrible, mini movies where if it were just a few seconds off . . .or if the car was going faster…I keep thinking how I may not have survived or I could have been injured so much worse. Sometimes, I close my eyes, these images, flashbacks arise.

I know and have accepted that a shift in my life has occurred. I have been working really hard and not letting myself feel disappointed. But I have found that this year, as I have done in the past, I have looked for ways to control situations and prevent myself from feeling sad. Externally, I was upbeat and smiled, but inside I wondered why I had started to be afraid to cross busy streets, and why I trembled going to work, getting on a crowded train, especially if snowing and cold outside. I used up all of my vacation time this past year of 2013. I found myself preferring to stay indoors.

At times, it felt like my world was crumbling, but I knew I would not have made it that far had I not had hope. I just needed to take the time to heal. Needed time to focus not on what I lack, but what still remains. Life continues to be challenging. My dominant right hand still swells making it difficult to do my job a lot. I get tired and frustrated more easily but even there I am getting better at controlling.

So, yes, today marks a year since the accident. Sometimes it feels like it was five years ago; other times, especially when my hand swells and the pain is too much, I feel like it was just yesterday. No matter what day it is, I take the time to connect. In the morning, I lie on my back and breathe. Sometimes I cry. More so these day, I find myself smiling. Laughter happens often. There is no shame. Just one incredible journey…Busy living my life…on a true journey of learning to love myself, letting go of my fears…I find myself smiling more every day, looking forward to tomorrow, enjoying today, creating moments, giggling at the mere hint of the possibilities …breathing…inhaling, exhaling… I know the best is yet to come…I just know…keeping hope in my soul…grace in my step…love in my heart.

“She is delightfully chaotic; a beautiful mess. Loving her is a splendid adventure.” – Steve Maraboli


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