Category Archives: Feelings

Hmmm … arm candy!

So lately, I have been all about the skies, food, sweets, wine, shoes, and last but not least bangles …  my latest craze in arm candy.  But I think I may have just found another form of arm candy … the younger man.

Yes!  Now I am playing cougar.  Who knew?!  A former co-worker and I have re-connected on social media.  We have met up as friends but now he is pouring his heart out to me about love, relationship … with me.  So, I am trying to keep an open mind.

I have been having issues trying to date in my age range. We all have baggage – some more than others.  Learning, that with a younger man there is definitely less baggage. I won’t have decades of past relationships and other issues to deal with. I don’t have to worry about his ex-wife and children — it will be all about the two of us.  And right now, at this point in my life – it’s what I want and deserve, Growing tired of playing it safe, of being alone.  I like to be chased, adored.

I was always a bit of a late-bloomer, and being with a younger man may just somehow keep me in a forever-inspired mode.  My younger friend may have less, but gives more.  I am in a non-settling frame of mind.

One of my favorite aunts was in town last month and she started telling me how lucky she was to have married a younger man – her second chance at love. She was widowed at a young age with small children when she found her second chance. She had a stroke two years ago and was feeling fortunate her husband is healthy and younger. She also told me that he was less judgmental, less traditional, less bound by stereotype – which has helped her in many ways to being happier, even a better mom. She had me thinking … then bam, he comes back into my life – this time not as a co-worker, but a friend.

Who knows…I am not making any decisions, I don’t need to. I am just taking it one minute at a time. Enjoying life. Trying to worry less, stay sane and get healthier. I am going to stop worrying so much about what others may think, stop wondering what this younger guy sees in me, and just enjoy the attention. I deserve every flattering, delicious moment … so I plan to sit back and continue counting my blessings and start looking for this Maca root from the jungles of Peru.

Looking forward to finally, freely living some more, to have my emotions raw, to the potential and the possibilities of having my body, mind, and soul literally rocked … ah nirvana may indeed be mine. Fulfillment, contentment … indeed … on my journey of living deliciously with grace in my step, hope in my heart. I am back …

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Break

Need a break from myself. I am my own worst enemy. I am too sensitive. I feel to much. I try too hard. I am exhausted. I know all too well, if someone keeps hurting you time and time again, they will never change as long as you keep letting them – I need to change myself, and stop allowing them to hurt … but sounds so simple in theory. I am tired from being just a passing time person for many people. I know all the lines, motto, etc. If people don’t make an effort to be in your life, don’t try so hard to be in theirs, it’s not worth it. Don’t make someone a priority who makes you an option.

Many say don’t be too nice, you will be taken for granted. But why should I change?! I just have to get wiser, stronger – not stop being too nice. But there are times when you have to show people that you cannot be taken for granted. You cannot be considered weak and your opinions must be considered. This is what I need to work on.

I have just been so emotionally drained – let down by people, in general. Family, so-called friends, dating – all have left me feeling unsure about myself. I feel like I am the one always trying – trying to make time, ask them out, follow-up, texting to check in – but I am not getting much in return. I think many feel that I am strong and a loner, and just don’t need them somehow – I need to believe this somehow – otherwise, I must accept that people suck and are just mean, selfish people. I can’t live my life this way.

I am sure all have watched the movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You” – well it rings true and the book is even more full of wise advice. SO many quotes, so much sage advice – I have heard all before – just have to truly find a way to listen, learn, let go and live by it.

“If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs. “Busy” is another word for “asshole.” “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating. You deserve a fucking phone call.”
― Greg Behrendt

“You picked a lemon, throw it away lemonade is overrated. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith.”
― Greg Behrendt, He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

“When someone tells you they are too ‘busy’… It’s not a reflection of their schedule; it’s a reflection of YOUR spot on their schedule.”
― Steve Maraboli


Lesson for today…

Such a great quote from Sons of Anarchy:

Jackson ‘Jax’ Teller: Maybe that’s the lesson for me today, to hold onto these simple moments – appreciate them a little more, there’s not many of them left. I don’t ever want that for you, finding things that make you happy shouldn’t be so hard. I know you’ll face pain, suffering, hard choices but you can’t let the weight of it choke the joy out of your life. No matter what, you have to find the things that love you. Run to them. There’s an old saying – that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, I don’t believe that. I think the things that try to kill you make you angry and sad. Strength comes from the good things, your family, your friends, the satisfaction of hard work. Those are the things that will keep you whole, those are the things to hold onto when you’re broken.

I agree…. ♥


Just venting…

Life. Life sometimes really sucks. Period.

Being a divorced, single, childless woman in my 40s battling cancer yet again is just a sad state to find myself in…again.

Divorced Female, Going Bald, Undergoing Chemo and Radiation, Going Through Menopause, Weight Fluctuations, Mood swings…

Oh yeah, isn’t that the first profile you would click on if you were searching for the love of your life or even just a new ‘friend’ online? Dating in itself – or, I should say, finding someone to date – is never easy. Finding someone when you happen to be bald, going through chemo and/or making daily trips to the hospital for chemotherapy and radiation makes it a zillion times more complicated. Trust me, I know. I have tried it. I am not sure why I have tried it but I did. Logically, I knew it was not the best idea. But heck, I guess I am bored, optimistic, stupid?!

Going through cancer treatment can be really tough for a single woman. You may not have a friend or family member who can be there for you like a partner. You may also worry about how a current or future partner will react when they find out you’ve had cancer.

Perhaps the most private scar left by cancer is the damage done to your view of yourself. My self-image is completely distorted at times. I constantly find myself worried if I can ever catch up, keep up or even get going on most days. I wonder how active I can be and even how long I will live. If I ever even allow myself to think about remarrying one day, I obsess about if I should ever involve a partner in such an uncertain future.

In the past, concerns about having children also affected my relationships. I became infertile many years ago with my first bout of cancer. So alone I am.

I have been single most of my life. And I live by this quote by prixie: “Single is not a status. It is a word that describes a person who is strong enough to live and enjoy life without depending on others.”

Yes I am scared. Tired of not having someone special around. But the reality is I am my own person, and if I can’t enjoy being single, how can I enjoy being with someone else?

The most difficult thing for me about going through cancer yet again is doing it single, alone. In the past, I had a much larger, strong support network so I was hardly ever alone. But now I find myself more alone. At a time when closeness is so much more important, I feel so utterly singularly alone. During this time, my treatment, I am trying so hard to be brave and not complain too much. But staying quiet and calm, doesn’t prevent me from being lonely sometimes and longing for someone to hold me at night and whisper that everything is going to be alright. Or even just to take me to dinner, make me laugh, smile and forget about cancer for a little while, make me feel desirable. I have friends who take pity on me and take me out for dinner, and make me laugh but its just sadly not quite the same thing. Sometimes I just so desperately want to ignore the cancer.

Nearly everyone I encounter who has or has had cancer – friends, people at the hospital, family, people in books and on TV – were either married or in a serious relationship when they were diagnosed; or children with caring parents. Not me. I am in the very vulnerable single state and not having someone to hold my hand every step of the way, makes me wistful, if not angry sometimes. But instead of just being jealous of others in relationships with supportive loving partners, feeling sorry for myself, I keep trying online dating. It makes me feel somewhat normal.

Within minutes of posting a new photo online, I had e-mails from men ready to shower me with attention. Of course, most weren’t exactly my type, but you need to kiss a lot of frogs to find your prince, right?! lol

I guess I am lucky somewhat … I have had some really interesting email exchanges, but alas have not found the man of my dreams during treatment. Still, dating during treatment restores my self-confidence, reassures me that I am still attractive, and distracts me enough moments at a time. The way I see it, is that everyone is unique and carries baggage of some kind and this is only one part of me, I guess. Just tired today of carrying all this baggage. Tired of my hand dangling alone.

So yes … Life. Life sometimes really sucks. Period.


Today … Never Forget Indeed!

I see so many people posting images in remembrance of 9/11, the words #NeverForget trending….candles being lit, and flags are waving. But ask yourselves, what does this truly all mean?

I sit and breathe in the silence
I sit and breathe in the pain
Moments…
Sitting by myself.
Waiting…

Yes …9/11. May we never forget. I feel my loss each and every day; even on those days when I smile, laugh, enjoy myself. I try harder each day to live my life to the fullest, not just for me, but for all of those I have lost. They will never have another chance to smile, laugh, cry …geesh, not even enjoy a glass of wine.

So, let’s always never forget…we have loved ones still live, with us. Hug them. Tell them you love them. Make time for them. Smile through your tears.
Thank a soldier. Volunteer. Do something other than post an image. Make someone smile today. Life is ever fleeting, hours, turn into days. Moments turn into memories. Tomorrow turns into yesterday.

I remember walking out into the beautiful sunshine and seeing the gigantic American flag above the Bear Stearns building that forever day etched into my soul, waving in the breeze so beautiful, so proud, so hopeful. And although my life forever changed, my safe protective bubble had been badly bruised and my heart broken, that flag reminded me that in the midst of the greatest loss lies the potential for the greatest miracles. That hope is never lost. That hate never gets the last word. My sadness won’t keep me down. I was reminded today by a fellow follower on here that I need to wrap my arms around the gift that grief has given me, and that is so true. So, thank you!

I know how life can seem cruel and life at times just isn’t fair and how true freedom comes at a cost … but through all odds I have never given up nor has America given up that dream. So yes…Never Forget … today is another chance at making a difference, taking strength in grief.

flag


I know I will see you again …

I get so more melancholy and turn more quietly inward – especially between August through September. I have lost so many people I truly loved. For the past 13 years, I dread today. I dread the anniversary and the repeated replays of the planes, the impacts, the fireballs and the collapsing towers.

It truly is like ripping off a Band-Aid … but my heart feels this open wound. Today, 13 years ago, I lost four true friends, one my irreplaceable heart, my soul mate.

The days will always be brighter because he existed. The nights will always be darker because he’s gone. And no matter what anybody says about grief, and about time healing all wounds, the truth is, there are certain sorrows that never fade away until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken. Always my heart ♥mm♥ …(Excerpt from Tiffanie DeBartolo, God-Shaped Hole)

I have come to realize that destiny can hurt a person as much as it can bless them, and I find myself wondering why – out of all the people in all the world I could ever have loved – I had to fall in love with someone who was taken away from me.

One day he was there and then all of a sudden, he is gone. There’s less of him each passing year. And you wonder where that part went – if it’s living somewhere, outside of you, and you keep thinking maybe you’ll get it back. And then you realize…it’s just gone.

Many say it’s easier to burn than to build; many say it’s easier to hurt than to heal…But I say you lose when you give up what you love…And I’ve lived my life without that long enough.

I hold pieces of him; I hold them so tight that they eventually become pieces of myself that am still learning to grow from but never away from. I hold onto them so tight that they eventually become the only pieces that can hold my shaky bones together. They become the only pieces that can keep this broken heart of mine held together…

Have you ever thought that if one thing hadn’t happened, a whole set of things never would have either? Like dominoes in time, a single event kicked off an unstoppable series of changes that gained momentum and spun out of control, and nothing was ever the same again. Don’t ever doubt that a mere second can change your life forever. It can. It has. Everything does really happen for a reason.

I’ve got no more illusions…I know I’ll see you again…but for today, I am allowing myself to fully experience the full impact of my loss. Grieving all over again. Grief…I am following it, crying when I want to, yelling at God, screaming into my pillow, and avoiding most people and definitely the news.

Grief is itself the only medicine I need right now. And anyone who doesn’t understand this or who can’t accept, stay away from me. So fake better stay away from me.

“After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. You learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises. You learn that loving doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t always mean security, and you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. After a while you learn to build all your dreams on today because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for dreams, and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn to accept your defeats with your head held with the grace of a woman and not the grief of a child. After a while you learn to plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really are strong, that you really do have self worth, and you can endure, and you learn and learn, with every “goodbye” you learn…” (Veronica A. Shoffstall)

“I am not the happiest person. In fact, in the battle between joy and misery, I’d say that the latter often seems to prevail. I don’t like this, and every day I refuse, for the eighty millionth time, to put up with another minute of it. But the world does what it does, and I often find it disagreeable. After all these years, I’m kind of resigned to that. But I do have one thing on my side: I have enormous faith. And hope. I am not speaking of the kind you find in church or in the afterlife or in heaven or in the Saint James Bible or in the Hare Krishna’s that we all encounter changing flights in the airports of the world, I am speaking of a simple faith that says that one way or another, no matter how many times I stumble and stub my big toe, somehow life is going to work itself out.” (Elizabeth Wurtzel)

candles


Christina Perri – Human

Exactly how I am feeling right now, right this minute….

I can hold my breath
I can bite my tongue
I could stay awake for days if thats what you want
be your number one

I can fake a smile
I can force a laugh
I can dance and play the part
if thats what you ask
give you all I am

I can do it
I can do it
I can do it

But I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human and I crash and I break down
your words in my head
knives in my heart
you build me up and then I fall apart
cause I’m only human

I can turn it on
be a good machine
I can hold the weight of worlds if that’s what you need
be your everything

I can do it
I can do it
I’ll get through it

But I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human and I crash and I break down
your words in my head
knives in my heart
you build me up and then I fall apart
cause I’m only human

I’m only human
I’m only human
just a little human

I can take so much
till I’ve had enough

‘Cause I’m only human
And I bleed when I fall down
I’m only human and I crash and I break down
your words in my head
knives in my heart
you build me up and then I fall apart
cause I’m only human…


I have cried 1000 oceans….

Working from home today…again…due to this crazy winter weather we have been having. Watching movies…enjoyed “Here on Earth” with three beautifully gifted young talents: Chris Klein, Josh Hartnett, and Leelee Sobieski.

Heard this song in today’s movie: 1000 Oceans by Tori Amos…had to share….♥ Since I too, have cried 1000 oceans….


Strange Sunday Stirrings…

Such a strange day…stirrings of melancholy!  I don’t understand how I find myself smiling all day long but cry myself to sleep at night. How pictures never change but the people in them do. How your best friend can become your worst enemy, or how strange it is when your worst enemy turns into your best friend. How forever turns into a few short months that you’d do almost anything to get back. How you can let go of something you once said you couldn’t live without. How even though you know something is best for you, it just hurts the same. How the people who once wanted to spend every second with you, think a few minutes of their time is too much to spare. How people make promises despite knowing how common it is for promises to be broken. How people can erase you from their lives just because it’s easier than working things out. 

I know that dreams don’t always have to exist while the sun’s down and your eyes are shut.  So I am not going to stop believing.  I know all too well how over thinking ruins you… ruins the situation, turns things around, makes you worry, and just makes things worse than it actually is.  


Heightened emotions…

My emotions are so sensitized now. My intuitive, feeling nature is too strong. Feeling overwhelmed. I an gripped by feelings of nostalgia and compassion. Memories of feelings and situations long forgotten are bubbling at the surface. Wanting some resolution. Memories and old feelings… things I tried to suppress, some things I actually thought I managed to bury, others I have wanted to forget….all making a reappearance. Holidays coming too fast. I really need to finally get some closure. This past year has been about reacting, surviving, especially since the accident. Now I have to deal with issues that have been pushed to the edge. Understanding I am my own biggest problem; but I also know I am my own solution. Just don’t want to change too much. I don’t want to harden or become too jaded. I have always cared too much – about everything, anything. I don’t want to stop caring.

I fully understand that beginnings are only possible where there are endings. Clear acknowledged endings are as necessary to intelligible life, as pauses between notes to intelligible music. Although endings sometimes feel like the end of me; trying to take them for what they really are – the end of a stage in my life. Here is to new beginnings!

Holding onto hope…55 days until New Years Day!!! ♥


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