Category Archives: despair

PTSD … still …

Its been two years since I got hit by a car. And my anxiety, especially during the winter months, has not diminished. Lately, its at an all time high!! I am so afraid of slipping on the ice, breaking more bones. So much anxiety. I have definitely noticed how being hit by a car has changed the way I experience the city. Every time I see a taxi cab coming down the street, an almost daily sight, my thoughts rebound to my accident. Some changes, like never stepping off the curb until the light has actually changed, or looking both ways before crossing (sometimes twice), are probably good in a way. But all these inane thought race through my head in seconds – I am never again sure that a car will stop, and now my carefree walking in the city has come to and – abruptly and forever.

Although I recovered, for the most part, physically, I still walk around the city with a sense of permanent vulnerability. I still cannot cross many streets without looking both ways about four times and looking over my shoulder a dozen times while crossing. If a car gets too close, or if I think a driver turning my way doesn’t see me, I panic, break out in a sweat, and sometimes literally freeze. Sometimes, on crowded walkways, people stare, get frustrated with me, bump into me … all which just adds more anxiety.

Physically, I have been certainly recovering. But the last two years, I have became seriously depressed. Drugs did not help all that much. I was referred to a post-traumatic stress disorder therapist and during non-winter months, I think I am ok. But now my PTSD is at the forefront of my life. Waiting for the winter blues literally to leave so some of my depression can gradually lift.

For a long time, though, my life was defined by my accident. And I guess it still is -0 just when I thought I could put things behind me. So much is how much of my energy and time is spent on all the medical procedures, tests, rehabs, doctors’ visits etc., building anxiety, not to mention all that time I missed from work before they laid me off. And now looking to go back to work, I see how much I have really lost.

And the experience lingers, both mentally and physically. I have regained about 80 percent of my mobility and 70 percent of my strength, but it is just not the same. So many things I still can’t do, and this only leaves me more frustrated and disappointed. In my mind, I’ll never be the same and that’s heartbreaking to some extent.

And the fear and the vulnerability stay with me. I wasn’t paralyzed or killed, so I felt fortunate. Being hit by a car did, however, damage my sense of security and safety. I am still working my head around all of this.

I have become an exceedingly careful pedestrian. *sigh* I guess that is a good thing. I never got my driver’s license, I never quite liked cars nor traffic, but these days I am even more against them. I just pray to return to some form of stability — both on a professional and personal level as well as emotionally and physically.

I desperately seek and need the feeling of responsibility and accomplishment. I want my life back. But am keeping my true appreciation for why I am still here.


Some days….

I rarely sleep but today of all days, why did I have to recall a dream? I miss my forever heart, Michael, each and every day. But some days, like today that loss is unbearable. Its been 13 years since I lost Michael. People always say time heals all wounds, loss gets less – lies! With every passing year, with every mistake I make in love, with every wrong person I allow in my life – the loss of my heart becomes greater. The memory of him, of us together is forever embedded in my thoughts and heart.

I don’t think I will ever get used to missing him, wanting to see him one more time. Sometimes, I feel myself falling in love with someone else, but a part of me never fully commits. A part of me, I forever don’t share. At times, think I have come to a good place to allow true love to find me, enter my life, accept someone else – I am reminded that they aren’t Michael. They can never measure up to him. It just hits me all over again. Its such a strong bruise to my heart. Its overwhelming how much I miss him, especially now, today.

It was so easy to be happy with him. It was so easy to just be.
I will always miss him, long for him. My desire for him and my life with him is still strong.

Its so hard lately. Going through so much. Not trusting my instincts.

I understand all too well, how forever can end in an hour, or years from now. I truly appreciate this. I try to make every day count and make every person feel special. Some days, I am taken for granted, and this can be seen as a curse. But I am not changing for anyone. Some people keep knocking me down … and I keep getting up, out of bed, putting one foot in front of the other. Some days, like today, a little sadder, a little harder. But I let my words out, my voice be heard, slowly healing my heart.

When people say get over it – really?! They have never experienced true loss. They can’t nor shouldn’t compare the depth of my despair.

I know I am strong. I am working around my loss, my grief. Many believe I just can’t move on, you know, mourn and cry and be done with it. Why should I have to?! My loss is mine. I own it. I live it. I accept it. I don’t need to forget it. It wasn’t something that was broken. My love was pure. It is pure. It’s something that happened to me. The hole in my heart, will always be there. And each and every second, I try really hard, on finding small ways, of working around it. Loving, respecting and remembering and getting on all at the same time. With grace in my step, tears in my eyes, smile on my face and hope in my heart.


Energy Fading…

Another week passed, few days closer to the holidays. I am tired of the person I see in the mirror. My health has become stagnant, so has my life. I find myself pushing good people away, and wanting the bad people to want me. I make no sense these days. My emotions are forever on a see-saw. Loneliness is not when you don’t have anyone with you – its when you have many people around you, but not the one you so desperately want. God, can I miss the men in my life anymore than I already do?? I want my brother, my father and my forever heart Michael just for one more day. Other times, I think wow, how easy would it be to just succumb to the pain of my life and the tumors raging inside my body and just be with them. I try so hard not to pray for death but for life. Most days I fail, especially lately. I am broken. My heart, my spirit, broken. I am lost. This time of year is just so hard. I let so very few people see the real pain behind my smile. Am I just too quiet for the world? A doormat?

I know I am a smart person, my IQ says so…but for the past ten years, I have made so many stupid mistakes. I know deep in my smart mind, that I should never allow myself to get attached to anyone unless they also feel the same towards you, because one sided expectations can mentally destroy us. Yes, they can. Lately the worst feeling is being used by someone who I thought actually, genuinely cared for me. I know I love with all I have, I give all that I have. When I love, I see no limitations. But I have to keep reminding myself, if someone hurts me, betrays me, I must love myself more, enough to let go.

I understand the theory of letting go all too well. Just tired of it. Tired of living it. I know….how we need to walk away sometimes, not to make someone else realize how worthy I am, but for me to fully understand and accept my own self worth. I know every heart has a story to tell – I just wish mine would be more about life than death; about light, than darkness.

I know today I look extra sad…mirrors don’t lie. I am actually sad every day, but today, well I just don’t have any more energy left.


The Year of Betrayal

This year has brought to light many betrayals. My body has betrayed me. Some girlfriends double crossed me. Another friend disclosed some information in the hopes of exposing some little known facts about me. Some friends I want to believe unintentionally revealed little things. But the biggest betrayal was from a person I considered a best friend, the one who knew all my secrets, fears. I have never felt so disillusioned and vulnerable. Mind you, I have family members who are mentally ill and re-write history all of the time. So I am used to betrayal but not to this magnitude, not from the one person I considered sane, in control.

I go to Mass and want to light a candle for all that are lost. But then I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror – and I am the one that is lost. “It is not an enemy who taunts me – I could bear that. It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me – I could have hidden from them. Instead, it is you – my equal, my companion and close friend. What good fellowship we once enjoyed as we walked together to the house of God.” – Psalm 55:12-15

Of all experiences in life, betrayal by a trusted friend is one of the most difficult to understand, accept, move on from. I find it difficult to breathe some times. My self-esteem was already at a low from my accident, losing my job, dealing with a new cancer, feeling dependent. Betrayals from friends only further produced feelings of worthlessness for having trusted an untrustworthy person. I feel like anger and depression are my only recourse. It raises questions about my judgment. Because of the intimate friend’s knowledge of my situation, such betrayal has great potential for further damage. And I am just not equipped right now, in this singular frame of mind to effectively deal with all of it.

I just quietly pray. Help me, Lord God, to let go of the hurts that have come my way. Amen.

Igniting my own true light out of this darkness.


I know I will see you again …

I get so more melancholy and turn more quietly inward – especially between August through September. I have lost so many people I truly loved. For the past 13 years, I dread today. I dread the anniversary and the repeated replays of the planes, the impacts, the fireballs and the collapsing towers.

It truly is like ripping off a Band-Aid … but my heart feels this open wound. Today, 13 years ago, I lost four true friends, one my irreplaceable heart, my soul mate.

The days will always be brighter because he existed. The nights will always be darker because he’s gone. And no matter what anybody says about grief, and about time healing all wounds, the truth is, there are certain sorrows that never fade away until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken. Always my heart ♥mm♥ …(Excerpt from Tiffanie DeBartolo, God-Shaped Hole)

I have come to realize that destiny can hurt a person as much as it can bless them, and I find myself wondering why – out of all the people in all the world I could ever have loved – I had to fall in love with someone who was taken away from me.

One day he was there and then all of a sudden, he is gone. There’s less of him each passing year. And you wonder where that part went – if it’s living somewhere, outside of you, and you keep thinking maybe you’ll get it back. And then you realize…it’s just gone.

Many say it’s easier to burn than to build; many say it’s easier to hurt than to heal…But I say you lose when you give up what you love…And I’ve lived my life without that long enough.

I hold pieces of him; I hold them so tight that they eventually become pieces of myself that am still learning to grow from but never away from. I hold onto them so tight that they eventually become the only pieces that can hold my shaky bones together. They become the only pieces that can keep this broken heart of mine held together…

Have you ever thought that if one thing hadn’t happened, a whole set of things never would have either? Like dominoes in time, a single event kicked off an unstoppable series of changes that gained momentum and spun out of control, and nothing was ever the same again. Don’t ever doubt that a mere second can change your life forever. It can. It has. Everything does really happen for a reason.

I’ve got no more illusions…I know I’ll see you again…but for today, I am allowing myself to fully experience the full impact of my loss. Grieving all over again. Grief…I am following it, crying when I want to, yelling at God, screaming into my pillow, and avoiding most people and definitely the news.

Grief is itself the only medicine I need right now. And anyone who doesn’t understand this or who can’t accept, stay away from me. So fake better stay away from me.

“After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. You learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises. You learn that loving doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t always mean security, and you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. After a while you learn to build all your dreams on today because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for dreams, and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn to accept your defeats with your head held with the grace of a woman and not the grief of a child. After a while you learn to plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really are strong, that you really do have self worth, and you can endure, and you learn and learn, with every “goodbye” you learn…” (Veronica A. Shoffstall)

“I am not the happiest person. In fact, in the battle between joy and misery, I’d say that the latter often seems to prevail. I don’t like this, and every day I refuse, for the eighty millionth time, to put up with another minute of it. But the world does what it does, and I often find it disagreeable. After all these years, I’m kind of resigned to that. But I do have one thing on my side: I have enormous faith. And hope. I am not speaking of the kind you find in church or in the afterlife or in heaven or in the Saint James Bible or in the Hare Krishna’s that we all encounter changing flights in the airports of the world, I am speaking of a simple faith that says that one way or another, no matter how many times I stumble and stub my big toe, somehow life is going to work itself out.” (Elizabeth Wurtzel)

candles


Random hopefulness…mixed with wistfulness….

What a crazy busy few weeks….work, deadlines has me spinning. And dealing with sick parents and dog, affords me very little breathing me time. I don’t sleep probably just to have some me time….to write, to breathe, to hum, etc.

I desperately need a vacation, just two days to myself to regroup, but unfortunately I won’t have that time, nor luxury. Writing helps to clear my head and stop my world from going over that cliff of despair.

I want one hour with my best friend but I haven’t even heard her voice in months – life keeps us missing each other.

Soon….I hope….

You never really know how much the people around you are hurting. You could be standing next to someone who is completely broken inside and you wouldn’t even know it. So never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have. And remember that there are two ways to spread light in this world: You can either be a flame of hope, or a mirror that reflects it. Be one of the two every chance you get. I am trying…to hold onto this and believe and also trying to spread hope. Even when I can’t text, call, or see my friends, I try to remain hopeful… wistful…♥


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