Category Archives: Courage

39 More Days

Only 39 days left until Sunday – January 1, 2017!  39!!  I don’t know where the time goes.  Most days, it all seems to pass in a blur … a blur of depression, sadness, hurt, tiredness.  The past two years, I have to admit, has seen me at my most vulnerable in real time and not just via words on my blog.  I have had some heart-to-heart conversations with family and so-called friends who have hurt me or not been there for me in my darkest hours.  I have done a lot of de-cluttering of my life.  I may still be alone, but I am at peace.

I have tried to make each year better but I failed so many times.   I pray that 2017 is it – the biggest year for me yet.  I have been living off the radar, under the bar for so long.  Now I just want to shine bright.  I want to be noticed – I want to be appreciated.

I wish I knew now what I have learned while dealing with the death of so many loved ones back-to-back.  I believe I wouldn’t have lost so many good years due to my mourning.  I put myself in such a dark place, such a sinking hole.

Ironically, I have complained that I had no support system but honestly I realize now how much I cut people out, and how easy immediate family made it for me.  As for new friends, I rarely let new people in my life the past 15 years.  Working hard on trying now.   I need and want people in my life – but worthy, deserving people.  I want to be able to build each other up, not tear each other down.

For so many years, being strong found me pretending to be okay.  I didn’t want to appear weak.  But this pretending came with a very high cost which I am still paying the price.  I shut people out, I lost interest in so many things, I gave up, I let depression and PTSD keep me mired down in grief.  I hid parts of me away.  I would not get really close to anyone.  I kept to myself, isolated.  I didn’t want to be completely vulnerable nor have anyone worry about me.  So today, I have no support system and no one is worried about me.  I guess I ultimately got what I thought I wanted.  Emotional seclusion instead of a complete and utter breakdown is where I have been residing.  And the few times I have let myself be honest, forthcoming, and vulnerable, I have been met with lack of understanding.  So I withdrew even more.

It’s such a cycle.  When a person like me who is already an introvert, keeps everything inside, never fully accepting how messed up I really was, it’s all downhill from there.  I find myself trying so hard to crawl out of the dungeon I found myself in.  Writing has helped me tremendously.  Social media  has helped me as well – I get to be somewhat social without actually investing in friendships too much or sharing true intimacy.   It has provided an outlet – a necessary one.  I need to search and bare my soul.  I need some guidance, acceptance, understanding – even if it at first it appears shallow.  We all need to feel connected.   I’m thankful that social media has brought people back into my life. To me, the past few years have been a rebirth for me – learning how to crawl, walk, talk … all over again.  Now I am more than ready to spread my wings and fly away … with hope in my heart and grace in my step.

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Playing Dress Up

With Halloween fast approaching, I have been thinking a lot about what to wear this year for a costume … now if you truly knew me, you would know how odd this is. I used to dread this time of year. I was always the one turning down invitations to a Halloween costume party. I would avoid them like the plague. I used to wonder why some people wanted to dress up in silly, offensive, scary and/or skimpy get ups. I used to shiver at the thought.

But the last few years, I have been trying to make a conscious attempt at being more social. So the invitations have increased. And I have come to believe that many who dress up may be less inhibited, more carefree, more creative. Maybe these enthusiastic people who participate and look forward to this favorite holiday tradition have better sewing skills or a more versatile wardrobe than me.

Lately, I am leaning more to the mindset of wow who doesn’t want to dress up and pretend to be something / someone else for a day?! What kind of person doesn’t like dressing up for Halloween? I have slowly adopted the idea. It’s just fun trying to be creative, think out of the box, come up with ideas for a costume that many will not conceive. How many times, do we as adults, get to put our hair down = or up, just stop being our normal, every day self, shed our uptight personalities? Heck, I don’t care how old you are, it’s just a fun time waiting to happen.

I am slowly accepting that I am just a theme party kind of gal. I like parties with themes where I get to re-invent myself for a few hours.

Hmmmm …. glamorous movie star, princess, sexy nurse…ooohhh firefighter, oh no warrior. Black & white, Great Gatsby, all white party, pajama party, travel theme, Breakfast Club party, Work of Art Party – they all await me. So many choices. So much fun just waiting to happen.

With grace in my step, hope in my heart…creativity in my mind.


I Am Worthy

Thanks to a great friend with a beautiful soul, I was reminded that I am worthy of so much more than what I am going through. Then I came across these quotes and it just turned my entire day, week around. Thank you…you know who you are.

You are not useless. You are not hopeless. And no matter how scared you are, you will never be alone. And deep down, somewhere, in the part of you that decided the good days and your happiness and your health were all worth fighting for, you know that, too. Hold onto that knowledge. It will see you through the worst. – Ella Ceron

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. – Maya Angelou

Some people will never ‘get you’. Do not spend eternity asking why. People will see you differently, just cherish those who lift your soul. – Dodinsky’s Garden of Thoughts

The pain that you’ve been feeling, can’t compare to the joy that’s coming. – Romans 8:18

The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable; they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed. – Ernest Hemingway

I refuse to be destroyed though. Not letting my struggles become my identity… I still know how to smile. I know how to love. I know how to live. More importantly, I know how to put one foot in front of the other … with grace in my step, hope in my heart…

You’ll meet her, she’s very pretty, even though sometimes she’s sad for many days at a time. You’ll see, when she smiles, you’ll love her. – Pan’s Labyrinth YES! Me! Worthy of all good things.


“Til I Get It Right”

Wild Saturday night!! And by that I mean, quality Me time, snuggling on the couch with my fav Chili dog, the fire roaring, M&Ms nearby and watching the movie, Hateship Loveship. Loved it. Based on the talented Alice Munro’s “Hateship, Friendship, Courtship, Loveship, Marriage” stories. Great cast. Love sexy Guy Pearce and the talented Kristen Wiig. Can fake love turn into true love? All believable. We all want love. We all want to root for the underdog. May we all find the courage to go after what we want in such a quiet calm way as Kristen’s character, Johanna, does. Sometimes plain is truly extraordinary when we really see past the usual. I am a sucker for the good girl / bad boy cliche. Still works for me. lol

So if you are snowbound like me and in the mood for a good recipe for a good movie – a good story, wonderful casting – watch this movie.

Fav movie line: “I have what I want.” YES! May we all be so lucky.

Fav movie soundtrack: ‘Til I Get It Right
Written by Hollis De Laughter & Larry Henley
Performed by Tammy Wynette – oldie but a goodie.


Lifetime connections …

When connections are real, they simply never die. They can be buried, or ignored or walked away from, but never broken. If you’ve deeply resonated with another person or place, the connection remains despite any distance, time, situation, lack of presence, or circumstance. If you’re doubtful then just try it – go and revisit a person or place and see if there’s any sense at all of the space between now and then.

If it was truly real, you’ll be instantly swept back into the moment it was before it left- during the same year and place with the same wonder and hope, comfort and heartbeat. Real connections live on forever.

“I wish I had done everything on earth with you … ” F. Scott Fitzgerald

♡mm♡


Moving forward…

Ever just feel like you are being dragged under…and the only way to get through the day is compartmentalize and just try to go through the motions? I find myself so overwhelmed lately and wanting to give up. But I know I can’t. I won’t allow myself to be fully defeated.

I need to remain strong and unaffected when dealing with the weaknesses and shortcomings of others especially lately. I can’t allow other people’s fears, bad habits, gossip, or envy to harm me. Forging ahead, trying to remain confident and keep my decisive attitude although I have learned this arouses competition or insecurities in others, and I continually find myself subjected to deception and lies from people around me, especially colleagues.

“Pulling through is what people do around here. There is a kind of bravery in their lives that isn’t bravery at all. It is automatic, unflinching, a mix of man and machine, consuming and unquestionable obligation meeting illness move for move in a giant even-steven game of chess – an unending round of something that looks like shadowboxing, though between love and death, which is the shadow? “Everyone admires us for our courage,” says one man. “They have no idea what they’re talking about.”

“Courage requires options,” the man adds.

“There are options,” says a woman with a thick suede headband. “You could give up. You could fall apart.”

“No you can’t. Nobody does. I’ve never seen it,” says the man. “Well, not really fall apart.”
― Lorrie Moore, Birds of America

Love the quote above and the collection of stories is a must read. We all, at certain times in our lives, find ourselves broken. True strength is found in picking up the pieces…and moving forward.


Missing my brother….

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal; Love leaves a memory no one can steal…today marks 19 years since Heaven needed another Angel…not a day goes by without me thinking of my Brother, AJ. So many thoughts, feelings….None the more poignant or heartbreaking than the loss of then my 25 year old brother. Always….♥

We were only one year apart.
AJ was the healthy one, the athletic one.
I was the sickly one.
Yet he passed at 25 and I got to live on…without him.
From day one all we did was fight,
now all I do is fight back my tears.
We were so close.
You’re still here in my heart and mind,
still making me laugh cause your stories live on.
I hold you in a thought and I can feel you.
I feel you and this gives me strength and courage. ..

AJ


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