Category Archives: Compassion

39 More Days

Only 39 days left until Sunday – January 1, 2017!  39!!  I don’t know where the time goes.  Most days, it all seems to pass in a blur … a blur of depression, sadness, hurt, tiredness.  The past two years, I have to admit, has seen me at my most vulnerable in real time and not just via words on my blog.  I have had some heart-to-heart conversations with family and so-called friends who have hurt me or not been there for me in my darkest hours.  I have done a lot of de-cluttering of my life.  I may still be alone, but I am at peace.

I have tried to make each year better but I failed so many times.   I pray that 2017 is it – the biggest year for me yet.  I have been living off the radar, under the bar for so long.  Now I just want to shine bright.  I want to be noticed – I want to be appreciated.

I wish I knew now what I have learned while dealing with the death of so many loved ones back-to-back.  I believe I wouldn’t have lost so many good years due to my mourning.  I put myself in such a dark place, such a sinking hole.

Ironically, I have complained that I had no support system but honestly I realize now how much I cut people out, and how easy immediate family made it for me.  As for new friends, I rarely let new people in my life the past 15 years.  Working hard on trying now.   I need and want people in my life – but worthy, deserving people.  I want to be able to build each other up, not tear each other down.

For so many years, being strong found me pretending to be okay.  I didn’t want to appear weak.  But this pretending came with a very high cost which I am still paying the price.  I shut people out, I lost interest in so many things, I gave up, I let depression and PTSD keep me mired down in grief.  I hid parts of me away.  I would not get really close to anyone.  I kept to myself, isolated.  I didn’t want to be completely vulnerable nor have anyone worry about me.  So today, I have no support system and no one is worried about me.  I guess I ultimately got what I thought I wanted.  Emotional seclusion instead of a complete and utter breakdown is where I have been residing.  And the few times I have let myself be honest, forthcoming, and vulnerable, I have been met with lack of understanding.  So I withdrew even more.

It’s such a cycle.  When a person like me who is already an introvert, keeps everything inside, never fully accepting how messed up I really was, it’s all downhill from there.  I find myself trying so hard to crawl out of the dungeon I found myself in.  Writing has helped me tremendously.  Social media  has helped me as well – I get to be somewhat social without actually investing in friendships too much or sharing true intimacy.   It has provided an outlet – a necessary one.  I need to search and bare my soul.  I need some guidance, acceptance, understanding – even if it at first it appears shallow.  We all need to feel connected.   I’m thankful that social media has brought people back into my life. To me, the past few years have been a rebirth for me – learning how to crawl, walk, talk … all over again.  Now I am more than ready to spread my wings and fly away … with hope in my heart and grace in my step.


Lifetime connections …

When connections are real, they simply never die. They can be buried, or ignored or walked away from, but never broken. If you’ve deeply resonated with another person or place, the connection remains despite any distance, time, situation, lack of presence, or circumstance. If you’re doubtful then just try it – go and revisit a person or place and see if there’s any sense at all of the space between now and then.

If it was truly real, you’ll be instantly swept back into the moment it was before it left- during the same year and place with the same wonder and hope, comfort and heartbeat. Real connections live on forever.

“I wish I had done everything on earth with you … ” F. Scott Fitzgerald

♡mm♡


I know I will see you again …

I get so more melancholy and turn more quietly inward – especially between August through September. I have lost so many people I truly loved. For the past 13 years, I dread today. I dread the anniversary and the repeated replays of the planes, the impacts, the fireballs and the collapsing towers.

It truly is like ripping off a Band-Aid … but my heart feels this open wound. Today, 13 years ago, I lost four true friends, one my irreplaceable heart, my soul mate.

The days will always be brighter because he existed. The nights will always be darker because he’s gone. And no matter what anybody says about grief, and about time healing all wounds, the truth is, there are certain sorrows that never fade away until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken. Always my heart ♥mm♥ …(Excerpt from Tiffanie DeBartolo, God-Shaped Hole)

I have come to realize that destiny can hurt a person as much as it can bless them, and I find myself wondering why – out of all the people in all the world I could ever have loved – I had to fall in love with someone who was taken away from me.

One day he was there and then all of a sudden, he is gone. There’s less of him each passing year. And you wonder where that part went – if it’s living somewhere, outside of you, and you keep thinking maybe you’ll get it back. And then you realize…it’s just gone.

Many say it’s easier to burn than to build; many say it’s easier to hurt than to heal…But I say you lose when you give up what you love…And I’ve lived my life without that long enough.

I hold pieces of him; I hold them so tight that they eventually become pieces of myself that am still learning to grow from but never away from. I hold onto them so tight that they eventually become the only pieces that can hold my shaky bones together. They become the only pieces that can keep this broken heart of mine held together…

Have you ever thought that if one thing hadn’t happened, a whole set of things never would have either? Like dominoes in time, a single event kicked off an unstoppable series of changes that gained momentum and spun out of control, and nothing was ever the same again. Don’t ever doubt that a mere second can change your life forever. It can. It has. Everything does really happen for a reason.

I’ve got no more illusions…I know I’ll see you again…but for today, I am allowing myself to fully experience the full impact of my loss. Grieving all over again. Grief…I am following it, crying when I want to, yelling at God, screaming into my pillow, and avoiding most people and definitely the news.

Grief is itself the only medicine I need right now. And anyone who doesn’t understand this or who can’t accept, stay away from me. So fake better stay away from me.

“After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. You learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises. You learn that loving doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t always mean security, and you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. After a while you learn to build all your dreams on today because tomorrows ground is too uncertain for dreams, and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn to accept your defeats with your head held with the grace of a woman and not the grief of a child. After a while you learn to plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really are strong, that you really do have self worth, and you can endure, and you learn and learn, with every “goodbye” you learn…” (Veronica A. Shoffstall)

“I am not the happiest person. In fact, in the battle between joy and misery, I’d say that the latter often seems to prevail. I don’t like this, and every day I refuse, for the eighty millionth time, to put up with another minute of it. But the world does what it does, and I often find it disagreeable. After all these years, I’m kind of resigned to that. But I do have one thing on my side: I have enormous faith. And hope. I am not speaking of the kind you find in church or in the afterlife or in heaven or in the Saint James Bible or in the Hare Krishna’s that we all encounter changing flights in the airports of the world, I am speaking of a simple faith that says that one way or another, no matter how many times I stumble and stub my big toe, somehow life is going to work itself out.” (Elizabeth Wurtzel)

candles


Me….Screaming….

So many people take so much for granted. I think sometimes life is so unfair. People have parents, brothers and loves and take them for granted – I wonder do they realize what they have. I think too the price we pay for loving so much is an immense pain when we suffer loss because I don’t just hurt like normal people – I hurt so much more- I can’t let them go and in many ways I refuse to let them go. Cancer may haunt me, but I will be damned if I will let it define me…I am trying so hard each and every day not to let my health define me nor change my life drastically. I sometimes lose that battle. I struggle to regain some normalcy. Many people just don’t get me nor can understand my choices. And that is okay. I get it. And that is all that should matter. I sadly don’t think many people realize how words can affect other people.

Words can be so brutal. Sometimes I just feel lost, helpless. I try so hard to just smile through all. I just wish more people could think before speaking, writing. We all should guard our words better. Words once spoken, can’t be unspoken. We just can’t take them back. Even if it was a joke, even if you were being curious; your words can be hurtful, brutal and may stay with the other person forever. It’s better to be silent than to be an idiot. For the most part, I believe that people don’t mean to be cruel, they just don’t fully comprehend all.

I have been sickly since I was born. So I have tried really hard to not take my health nor the days of my life for granted. I sadly see so many people who just think they are invincible. Some of my friends eat right, they exercise, and they still think disease or accidents can’t reach their lives. I just want to scream sometimes. I just want to yell, “don’t take your health for granted….don’t put things off…tomorrow may never get here…”.

Sigh….tired. Tomorrow will be a long day for my family. So many doctors, so little time. Aye, so I wasn’t blessed with good health. I have teeth that I’m lucky are still (mostly) there. I have hair that I’m lucky hasn’t all fallen out. I have a body that has been beaten and broken many times over by something I’ll never fully understand. And for a time, I really thought that was all there was. But, I’m a fighter and have decided early on that this wasn’t how my story will end.

Me….screaming…appreciate, don’t take the little things for granted…Live each day…live deliciously!

pray


Heaven has another angel…

Came across this poem below and really needed it today. We lost yet another family member, my first cousin, Germancito, after a very long battle with Cancer. He put up a good fight, but God has decided to relieve him of his pain and suffering. It was time for German to join God as one of his angels in heaven. My heart breaks for my aunt, Rosa, his siblings and for his 2 beautiful children. I pray that God gives my family the strength to deal with this immense loss. This was a man that I admired, he was, and always will be such an inspiration to me, his strength was incredible. Rest in peace. Life is so fragile. I wish more people, especially in my immediate family, could see and appreciate how short life truly is and take time to care about others, show more compassion. I feel at times, I care too much, I hurt too deep, but my heart is ever expanding and always forgiving. The sun shines yet again as God took another angel into heaven.

The loss of a love one is so hard to face,
you just want to hide,
go somewhere and escape!
But death is something,
we all must go through,
I know it’s hard,
when it’s someone you loved and knew.

Just know now,
he is in a better place,
no more hurt or pain shall he face.
It seems unfair and yes this is true,
but he is in Heaven now
watching over me and you!

God has called him home to rest!!
And he’s being well taken care of
Because God knows best!

“Only people who are capable of loving strongly can also suffer great sorrow, but this same necessity of loving serves to counteract their grief and heals them.” ― Leo Tolstoy


Saturdays filled with romance…♥

Who doesn’t want their Saturday nights filled with love, romance and passion. I love words…words move me. Love letters make me feel, awaken and arouse feelings…sincere love letters are made of insight, understanding, and compassion. A real love letter can produce a transformation in each person…the writer and the reader…♥

“The letter had been crumpled up and tossed onto the grate. It had burned all around the edges, so the names at the top and bottom had gone up in smoke. But there was enough of the bold black scrawl to reveal that it had indeed been a love letter. And as Hannah read the singed and half-destroyed parchment, she was forced to turn away to hide the trembling of her hand.

—should warn you that this letter will not be eloquent. However, it will be sincere, especially in light of the fact that you will never read it. I have felt these words like a weight in my chest, until I find myself amazed that a heart can go on beating under such a burden.

I love you. I love you desperately, violently, tenderly, completely. I want you in ways that I know you would find shocking. My love, you don’t belong with a man like me. In the past I’ve done things you wouldn’t approve of, and I’ve done them ten times over. I have led a life of immoderate sin. As it turns out, I’m just as immoderate in love. Worse, in fact.

I want to kiss every soft place of you, make you blush and faint, pleasure you until you weep, and dry every tear with my lips. If you only knew how I crave the taste of you. I want to take you in my hands and mouth and feast on you. I want to drink wine and honey from you.

I want you under me. On your back.

I’m sorry. You deserve more respect than that. But I can’t stop thinking of it. Your arms and legs around me. Your mouth, open for my kisses. I need too much of you. A lifetime of nights spent between your thighs wouldn’t be enough.

I want to talk with you forever. I remember every word you’ve ever said to me.

If only I could visit you as a foreigner goes into a new country, learn the language of you, wander past all borders into every private and secret place, I would stay forever. I would become a citizen of you.

You would say it’s too soon to feel this way. You would ask how I could be so certain. But some things can’t be measured by time. Ask me an hour from now. Ask me a month from now. A year, ten years, a lifetime. The way I love you will outlast every calendar, clock, and every toll of every bell that will ever be cast. If only you—

And there it stopped.” ― Lisa Kleypas, A Wallflower Christmas


Heightened emotions…

My emotions are so sensitized now. My intuitive, feeling nature is too strong. Feeling overwhelmed. I an gripped by feelings of nostalgia and compassion. Memories of feelings and situations long forgotten are bubbling at the surface. Wanting some resolution. Memories and old feelings… things I tried to suppress, some things I actually thought I managed to bury, others I have wanted to forget….all making a reappearance. Holidays coming too fast. I really need to finally get some closure. This past year has been about reacting, surviving, especially since the accident. Now I have to deal with issues that have been pushed to the edge. Understanding I am my own biggest problem; but I also know I am my own solution. Just don’t want to change too much. I don’t want to harden or become too jaded. I have always cared too much – about everything, anything. I don’t want to stop caring.

I fully understand that beginnings are only possible where there are endings. Clear acknowledged endings are as necessary to intelligible life, as pauses between notes to intelligible music. Although endings sometimes feel like the end of me; trying to take them for what they really are – the end of a stage in my life. Here is to new beginnings!

Holding onto hope…55 days until New Years Day!!! ♥


Feeling completely lost, yet grateful…for true friends!

Where did October go?? It’s been such a crazy few weeks. I have had so many things to write, but couldn’t find the time nor energy. Work and public transportation issues have kept me chained in the clock ticking too fast with little time to feel actually good and productive. My current job is not a good motivating place; it’s unfortunately a sad place filled with unhappy zombies. And they keep trying to drag me down to their level. I will continue to look for a better place to work. And try to avoid the slow, demotivating, disconnected people who sadly try to drag me down their brain-dead, soul-less level. The last few weeks (well to be honest, too many moments in the past years) – there have been times when I feel like I am in the dark. Fumbling. Desperately trying to find my way. Stuck in a dead end job or grieving from a lousy relationship or suffering from health concerns. Everything looks bleak. I seem to constantly be on the verge of tears with no end in sight. Yes….

And as sad as I have been lately, I find comfort in the few real friends I do have. You know those wonderful friends, who even though so much time can go by, and we don’t have the luxury in keeping in daily contact, but yet at the moment you need them, they are there with open arms, overflowing hearts and warm thoughts.

Today, the post office brought me a much needed “hug” from a far-away friend. And tears were of joy and accepting that I am not really ever alone.

“Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring: all of which have the potential to turn a life around.” – Leo Buscaglia

And I have shared this following thought in an earlier post, but it bears repeating…

After a while you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul. You learn that kisses aren’t contracts and presents aren’t promises. You learn that loving doesn’t mean leaning and company doesn’t always mean security, and you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much. After a while you learn to build all your dreams on today because tomorrows ground is to uncertain for dreams, and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight. After a while you learn to accept your defeats with your head held with the grace of a woman and not the grief of a child. After a while you learn to plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers. And you learn that you really are strong, that you really do have self worth, and you can endure, and you learn and learn, with every “goodbye” you learn…


My life isn’t like a box of chocolates, its like a Nicholas Sparks book…♥

I sometimes think that Nicholas Sparks and I are living parallel lives…I have experienced such moments and feelings that he has so succinctly captured them in his writings, his books….

“You’re going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it’s always their actions you should judge them by. It’s actions, not words, that matter.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Rescue

“You can’t live your life for other people. You’ve got to do what’s right for you, even if it hurts some people you love.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

“Sometimes you have to be apart from people you love, but that doesn’t make you love them any less. Sometimes you love them more.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song

“It’s possible to go on, no matter how impossible it seems, and that in time, the grief . . . lessens. It may not go away completely, but after a while it’s not so overwhelming.”
― Nicholas Sparks, Dear John

“Without suffering, there’d be no compassion.”
― Nicholas Sparks, A Walk to Remember

“Dreams are always crushing when they don’t come true. But it’s the simple
dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so
reasonable, so attainable. You’re always close enough to touch, but never quite
close enough to hold and it’s enough to break your heart.”
― Nicholas Sparks, Three Weeks with My Brother

“I have faith that God will show you the answer. But you have to understand that
sometimes it takes a while to be able to recognize what God wants you to do.
That’s how it often is. God’s voice is usually nothing more than a whisper, and
you have to listen very carefully to hear it. But other times, in those rarest
of moments, the answer is obvious and rings as loud as a church bell.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song

“It happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you
want, and then you realize that people you’ve known forever don’t see things the
way you do. So you keep the wonderful memories, but find yourself moving on.”
― Nicholas Sparks

“He often felt that too many people lived their lives acting and pretending,
wearing masks and losing themselves in the process.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Choice

“I have come to realize that destiny can hurt a person as much as it can bless
them, and I find myself wondering why–out of all the people in all the world I
could ever have loved–I had to fall in love with someone who was taken away
from me.”
― Nicholas Sparks, Message in a Bottle

“It’s funny, but have you ever noticed that the more special something is, the
more people seem to take it for granted? It’s like they think it won’t ever
change. Just like this house here. All it ever needed was a little attention,
and it would never have ended up like this in the first place.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Wedding

“Theresa, I know there’s a part of you that believes you can change someone, but
the reality is that you can’t. You can change yourself, and Garrett can change
himself, but you can’t do it for him.”
― Nicholas Sparks, Message in a Bottle

“If some lives form a perfect circle, others take shape in ways we cannot predict or always understand.  Loss has been a part of my journey. But it has also shown me what is precious. So has a love for which I can only be grateful.”

― Nicholas Sparks, Message in a Bottle

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


%d bloggers like this: