I don’t sleep…insomnia is a curse. Sleep has eluded me too long. I can lay in bed for hours, resting my body at least, not doing anything physical, but my head is doing a lot , spinning in circles, replaying conversations with people – over thinking.
Many say our lives are a result of the choices we make. Sometimes, I don’t agree with this. I have cancer, I didn’t make that choice. I lost my fiance and friends to terrorist attacks on 9/11, I didn’t make that choice. I am responsible for how I dealt with these situations. I am proud of how I have dealt with so many negative blows. But sometimes, I allow a person into my life, because I can sense a brokenness that speaks to me. And it is then that I question myself, and am not so proud of the choices I have made. I know if I don’t like my life these days, I need to start making better choices. Trying. I can see the God and the universe taking the mess in my life, and my past and trying to send me a message and now its up to me to take that message and learn from it. But I think I have learned. I want to almost stop learning how to keep rising from misery and just be happy. Live a stable life. But each day that passes, and I do not get better results from tests, better news from my doctors, how can I lead a productive, stable life? I just wish someone else can live my life, at times. I am tired. My head hurts. I am trying so hard to keep a part of me that is safe, at peace. I don’t want the world and the mean, selfish people in it, to make me hard. I don’t want the pain to make me hate. I don’t want that hate to turn into wary bitterness nor change my empathetic sweet nature.
I have been fortunate to have met a beautiful person who has the soul of a living angel. She has become a friend who strengthens me with love, blesses me with prayer, and encourages me with hope. I think I am failing her though. I am more open about what I am going through. She is so quiet. She keeps a lot tucked inside her heart. I wish I could draw her out as she has been there for me.
As for all of those who betrayed me this year, and tried to make me feel small – I forgive them. They have tried to insult me, belittle me, take me granted. I am now learning how to move forward and to forgive myself for allowing them into my life and allowing them to hurt me. Each second of overthinking, brings me one minute closer to perspective, to my life of freedom and hope.
I wonder if Donald Miller had it right when he wrote, “We were made to be distracted by life, by story.” Let’s see what I continue to learn as I edit and alter my life. Trying ….to move on forward…with grace in my step, hope in my heart.