Category Archives: Broken bones

What hurts you today, makes you stronger tomorrow…

Rough week!  So over the moon its Friday…but the weekend is already mocking me with silence.  Took my Chili dog to the vet, learned he had arthritis and a spinal injury deterioration – he is limping around a little better with his new meds.  Poor little guy – he has already endured two knee surgeries.  I had to go to the Orthopedic today to learn my results from my MRI – sure enough I need surgery on my right hand – they found a tear in my ligament, a cyst, and central perforation…enough said.  Was praying against hope that surgery would not be needed.  But learning that somehow this is my life…

I find myself repeatedly asking God how much am I to take and when will it be my year but I somehow find the strength He provides for me to keep moving forward…smiling through my tears.   I was hoping to find someone special by now so I can find comfort and support in another but I guess it’s just not my time.  I know my Mr. Perfect for me is out there.  And I know that God has a plan as to why my life, physically and emotionally needs to go through this pain now with broken bones that don’t heal.

I am learning that letting go has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength.  We let go and walk away not because we want others to realize our worth, but because we finally realize our own worth.

Sometimes you just need to do your best and surrender the rest. – Don’t be too hard on yourself.  There are plenty of people willing to do that for you.  Tell yourself, “I am doing the best I can with what I have in this moment.  And that is all I can expect of anyone, including me.”  Love yourself and be proud of everything that you do, even your mistakes.  Because even mistakes mean you’re trying.

You are in control of one person, and one person only: yourself. – There is only one way to be happy, only one route to happiness, and that is to cease worrying about things which are beyond the power of your control.  Letting go in your relationships doesn’t always mean that you don’t care about people anymore; it’s simply realizing that the only person you really have control over is yourself.

What’s right for you may be wrong for others, and vice versa.– Think for yourself, and allow others the privilege of doing so too.  We all dance to the beat of a different drum.  There are few absolute ‘rights’ and ‘wrongs’ in the world.  You need to live your life your way – the way that’s right for you.

Some people will refuse to accept you for who you are.   And I am learning not to care as much.   Always choose to be true to yourself, even at the risk of incurring ridicule from others, rather than being fake and incurring the pain and confusion of trying to be someone you’re not.  When you are comfortable in your skin, not everyone in this world will like you, and that’s okay.  Yup…it really is.

Relationships can only exist on a steady foundation of truth.  When there is a breakdown in a relationship, you must have the hard conversation.  It may not be pretty and it may not feel good.  But if you are willing to listen and tell the truth, it will open up.  When you learn how to build relationships based on truth and authenticity, rather than masks, false perfection, and being phony, your relationships will heal, connect, and thrive.

Sometimes walking away is the only way to win.  Never waste your time trying to explain yourself to people who have proven that they are committed to misunderstanding you.  In other words, don’t define your intelligence by the number of arguments you have won, but by the number of times you have said, “This unnecessary nonsense is not worth my time.”

Sitting in silence I will learn to hide my pain…

Focusing on what I have left, not only on what I have lost.

It truly should never be all about what you have lost, but about what you have learned.

Still looking forward on putting my loss behind me….looking forward to my newest finds….

I have said this before…

Every day I am crumbling more apart and yet falling more together all at the same time.

We all need to remember one simple thing: it’s OK to be lost. It’s OK to let go of needing all the answers. It’s not going to kill you— in fact, it just might bring you to life.

I’ve lived, I’ve loved, I’ve lost, I’ve missed, I’ve hurt, I’ve trusted, I’ve made mistakes, but most of all, I’ve learned.   Very happy that I am in one piece…mind, heart, body and spirit…. All good to go….♥

Advertisements

Hope is beautiful…

Heard today….”Tragedy makes you even more beautiful”…taken aback at first, I found myself speechless…yes me speechless…Beauty is definitely in the eyes of the beholder…”Beauty in things exists merely in the mind which contemplates them.”

I am an emotional mess these days.  I feel ugly – inside and outside.  It’s been a month since my accident and I am so tired of the pain I feel each second of every minute of every day.  I am tired of trying to learn how to do the simplest of things with my left hand.  I understand there are a few good people who are truly in my corner praying for me and hoping that the scars within me are not as visible on the outside nor on the inside.  I am afraid to see people because then they will see that I am barely clinging to life by a shredding thread….of hope.

So many people unfortunately see beauty as something to be measured and weighed.

I no longer see beauty that way. I see beauty as the grace point between what hurts and what heals, between the shadow of tragedy and the light of joy. I find beauty in my scars.

We all have scars, inside and out. We have freckles from sun exposure, emotional trigger points, broken bones, and broken hearts.  The invisible scars are the hardest to let go and deal with.

However our scars manifest, we need not feel ashamed but beautiful.

It is beautiful to have lived, really lived, and to have the marks to prove it. It’s not a competition—as in “My scar is better than your scar”—but it’s a testament of our inner strength.  I am strong.  I know this…I just have to keep reminding myself.

“The tragedy in a man’s life is what dies inside of him while he lives.” – Thoreau.  I am tired of dying a little at a time.  I don’t want to hide, to run away, to stay away…I will always somehow manage to smile through my tears…it’s just that some days are truly harder than others.

The Dalai Lama, the Tibetan saying:  “Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.  No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that’s our real disaster.”  I believe, I continue to hope…for better days.

…smiling through my tears…♥


Another small part of me has died…

Okay – admitting it – feeling sorry for myself.  It’s going on a week that I got hit by a car.   It’s going on a week that I miss going into the office and work.  It’s going on a week that my so-called love went MIA.   I thought he was the one.  I truly thought I was lucky enough to get a second chance at finding true love.  But when I needed him the most, he let me down.  He choose the cowardly way out – avoidance and lying.   I may be down and out, but I know I deserve better than that.  So I continue on my struggle alone.  Who cares if I am broke, who cares if I can’t comb my own hair, who cares if I can’t walk my own dog…the only thing that keeps me going is my faith that God has spared me once again.  There must be a reason.  I have hope that things will once again be okay…in the long run.  But right this minute, I am giving into my pain, my helplessness…for now, I scream, I fight, I curse, I cry, I feel sorry for myself…

I am finally getting over the shock of getting hit by a car.  I know I should have paid more attention in physics class.  But I am sure my accident proved something scientific, no??   A smaller, lighter object will generally yield to the heavier, faster-moving object.  But not necessarily without some resistance…hence my aching body, broken bones, bruised ego.

I was the pedestrian in a car-pedestrian tussle.  I don’t even think I did any damage to the car – *sigh* – all in all, I have to say that the car got the better of me.  I will be on the mend for at least three months according to my doctors.

I was only two blocks away from being home…only two blocks from being able to walk my own dog….only two blocks away from feeling safe.

I haven’t really been outside all week.  I used to love walking everywhere.  Now I am afraid of being squeamish about crossing streets – hoping that as my bruises heal so will my fear dissipate.  I sit here all alone and think if there is anything I can do to change what happened to me?   But the answer is always the same…No way.  And so it goes.

I recall one minute laying sprawled on the ground, and the next getting up, trying to shake off the cobwebs of disorientation and saying aloud, “I want to go home”.  I had people all around me….strangers shouting different advice.

A young girl crying dialed 911 and the driver called the police.  Pain started getting worse, my head hurt.  I felt more disoriented, more disembodied.  I was extremely lucky they said, not to suffer any head trauma. At first I managed to laugh about it and cover up my emotions. Then the shock kicked in during my treatment in hospital.  After waiting an eternity at the hospital, laughing instead of crying, trying to make those around me feel okay, I just wanted to be alone, to cry.  Don’t get me wrong, I am grateful things weren’t worse but I am still feeling this overwhelming anxiety, nightmares of the accident and the new challenges of daily life due to the recovery time.  And now on top of all this, I am dealing with a broken heart as well.  I understand that I am lucky there too.  I am happy that I know now how much of a coward he is and how much better off I am without him, before any more time invested.  But I have to face so much by myself, and now having to explain to family and friends what happened, and why he isn’t here is just too much for me right now.  I want to close my eyes and just pretend things are better.

I feel like I am the one left behind being punished and with the difficulties of trying to move forward, while everyone just gets to move on with their lives uninterrupted.

I truly wish there was one person in my life who could understand this incredible numb feeling I have as well as understand the nightmares, the sickness I get when I’m in a car as well as on a pavement.  There is no shortage of people saying the right things like “feel better”, things will get better”…but seriously, I know they don’t fully understand the depth of my pain…emotionally or physically.   I have a long way to go…paying off medical bills, trips to the doctors, trying to keep my job, keeping slimy ambulance chasing lawyers at bay, holding onto dignity, grasping at hope, fighting off depression, trying to forgive…My optimism has diminished.  Even though I’m lucky, trying to put on this brave front, and smile on my face – more than not, I can’t do it anymore.

I sincerely thank God that I am alive because I could have been dead.  Life could be worse I understand all of this.  Sometimes I just wish I could pass out for good from all the excruciating pain.  But I am stronger than that.  I can’t lie – this experience is dredging up a lot of past painful memories for me.  Memories I had thought I had successfully put behind me.

I’m in pain every day, but refuse to take enough meds to control it because they sedate me too much and I have other added complications of dealing with my blood count.  I try to be grateful that I’m alive, but I’m constantly reminded of all the things I can’t do.  Today is usually the day I give my dog his bath, but I couldn’t even pick him up and place him in the tub.  I can’t even open his shampoo bottle without crying out of frustration.  I am praying that in time things go back to some kind of normal.

I am still raw… my feelings of loss are overwhelmingly painful and scary.  I keep trying to explain, “This is just too much to bear! I can’t stand it!” But no one hears me.  So I will  cry when I want, yell at God, scream into my pillow, shut out well-meaning, but not good for me people. I am not suppressing nor avoiding my grief.  Its how I feel! Not letting anyone take away my right to it.  Most people are clueless.  They attempt to comfort me and give me advice and encourage me to “get over it” and “get on with your life” as soon as possible.  Yeah whatever.

Their discomfort and awkwardness with my situation is leading to some pretty severe “foot-in-mouth” disease.  I will keep trying to find humor in everything – laughter releases endorphins and may ease my pain.  My motto – smiling through my tears.

This was to be my year…grappling with faith and clutching at hope…♥


In Pain

I am all broken bones and shattered heart and confused mind….
Pain at times is unbearable…
Grasping at hope…

%d bloggers like this: