Category Archives: Best Friend

Great birth date!

So my Chili dog…turned nine today…for some reason, I thought it had been longer than that since I brought this tiny little dog home, who was sick, runt of the litter and no one wanted him. One look at his precious little face from behind the fence, and I knew he had already stolen my heart. Although throughout the years, many times he has been challenging, two surgeries and many vet visits, later my Chili dog still makes me smile.

I learned today, that he shares a birthday with the great, late Bob Marley.

Bob Marley’s words and music have been a source of inspiration, reflection and good times. And my Chili dog still owns my heart. He is a quirky, fun-loving little dog that is mommy’s baby. He is truly this girl’s best friend.

Chili Dog

And in the words of Marley: “If puss and dog can get together, why cant we love one another?”

♥♥♥


Frenemies…

The worst kinds of enemies are those who pretend to be your friends…yes, sadly true…and all around me.

I have no real need nor time for people who come to me when they need me, then throw me aside when they are fine.

Learned the hard way that fake friends are like your shadow, they follow you in the sun, but leave your side when it gets dark.

My accident this past January has really opened my eyes as to who my real friends are in my personal as well as my work life.

It’s really hard to trust people these days. I find myself always looking over my shoulder these days, waiting for the back stabbing knife in my back. We must be so careful who we share our weaknesses with. Learning that some people can’t wait for the opportunity to use them against us.

False friends, frenemies, are people who pretend to be a friend and then turn out to be just the opposite. Yup!! There are some people who get close to you for the specific reason to make fun of you behind your back, delight in the misery you endure, use you for whatever you can give them, and find out about your life so they can gossip about it later. Sad…especially when we are no longer in high school.

Because we generally want to see the best in people, we may give false friends several chances to prove that they are more than an enemy in disguise. However, when you discover a false friend in your life, you should distance yourself from them. Life is too short to be surrounded with people who don’t really care about you. So negativity be gone. I have cut people out of my life…who have proven they are no longer a true friend.

There are different types of friends – so called friends:

– The Opportunist: Use and abuse, and never return a favor.
– Egocentric, self centered: Always talking about themselves, brags a lot.
– The woe is me friend: only seek you out for therapy, and tend to hold grudges.
– The true fake friend: Smiles in your face, talks behind your back.
– Snobby friends – lack mutual respect.
– Spy friend or interloper: uses, interferes, intervenes, climbing on you – these are the jealous ones, they take ownership of your ideas, efforts, etc. Watch out for the blackmail. sigh
– Ignores: They meet someone, start a new romance and all of a sudden, they don’t return calls, break plans, etc.

All of these “friends” are missing out on a very important part of their emotional life. In the long run, they are ones that will lack the balance and support that friendship can give. And us poor gentle souls are better off without them. These fair weather friends only want to come around when they need your sun to shine on their dark and gloomy days. I know I have enough sunshine but I no longer need the shadows.

And because I have a big heart, have been accused of being naive and gullible…I tend to give people many chances. But knowing when to leave a friendship is more crucial to me these days. Choosing to let friends go is never an easy thing. If your friend has consistently shown you that they will leave you high and dry, it may be time to walk away. Sometimes we give people the benefit of the doubt and immediately think of them as our friend, when they perhaps don’t feel the same way. Maybe they are using you, or maybe they just don’t know how to be a friend. Either way, wish them the best and mean it, and then return to the people in your life who do treat you well….I am….♥

‪#‎ThingsThatAnnoyMe‬: Why try and be fake when being real takes less effort? ‪#‎HateFake‬


Ah…Eternal love…& wise words from SATC…

I just spent the last two hours on the phone with a not so old friend, a co-worker in Dallas.  And after we hung up, I feel lighter…this overwhelming warm feeling like we just became good old friends.   Its nice to learn who is there for you during the good and bad times…for better or worse literally.   I don’t have a lot of friends, but I know I have the right, best friends for me…and maybe Mr. Big was right when he said, “You’re the loves of her life, and a guy would be lucky to come in fourth”…

Any guy who claims to love me will have to be accepted now by my friends.  I not totally trusting myself these days.  But I am glad that I recognize things happen for a reason and I just saved myself a lot of further heartbreak by actually allowing things to fall into place and follow my gut at least the second time it screamed.  Sometimes, you can’t keep giving people chances.

I am not settling ever more…I am resilient…my bones will heal, my heart will mend…And I will always keep my promise to myself and no truer words have ever been gushed by Bradshaw on SATC:  “I’m looking for love,” gushes Carrie, “real love, ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.”  Yup….me too…

I will remain hopeful…♥

Eternal Love

Eternal Love

 

 


“I’m Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year”

This poem is dedicated to those who have lost loved ones , which have gone to be with the lord during the past year, who are
spending their Christmas in Heaven.

” I’m Spending Christmas with Jesus this Year”

I see the countless Christmas trees
around the world below
with tiny lights like heaven stars
reflecting on the snow

The sight is so spectacular
Please wipe away that that tear
For I’m spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year

I hear the many Christmas songs
That people hold so dear
O’, the sounds of music can’t compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

For I have no words to tell you
of the joy their voices bring
for it’s beyond description
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
but, through our memories so dear..
We’re never far apart.

I can’t tell you of the splendor
or the peace here in this place
Can you just imagine Christmas
with Our Savior…….face-to-face.

I’ll ask him to light your spirit
As I tell him of your Love.
Then I’ll pray for ‘One another’
As you lift your eyes above.

So please let your heart be joyful
and let your spirit sing
for I’m spending Christmas in heaven
and I’m walking with the king.

 

Miss you Papi, AJ, and MM.  Always in my thoughts and heart….always your baby girl.  ♥


A FINE FRENZY – ALMOST LOVER

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images

You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images

And when you left you kissed my lips
You told me you’d never ever forget these images, no

I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you’d want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean
I cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you’re gone and I’m haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that easy
To walk right in and out of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I’m trying not to think about you
Can’t you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
I should’ve known you’d bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do


Happy birthday, AJ!! ♥ Cha, Cha, Cha…

Happy Birthday Baby Brother . . . in Heaven.

♪♫ Happy Birthday to You, cha, cha, cha.
Happy Birthday to You, cha, cha, cha.
Happy Birthday Dear AJ
Happy Birthday to You, cha, cha, cha. ♪♫

Today is my best friend’s birthday.  My brother would have been 44 years old today.  I can never imagine you as 44 – but always as my scheming, smarty-pants, partner in crime and mischief, my protector.  He was taken from us way too soon.  I know he is having a big ‘ol party in heaven with our Dad – probably playing dominoes, drinking and eating cake.  He deserves it.  I know he must be having a blast knowing so many people love him here on earth.

Wish I could just one more time say, “Happy birthday Brother from the little sister who knew you when…and loves you still”….in person.

A lot of words unspoken, affection unexpressed.  Still, I hope you know it . . . as a brother, you were the best.

You would have loved today’s weather – sun peeking through now.   You were the first person to mention how the fall as like the spring but with leaves as flowers.  The rain has stopped, the leaves on the ground look like flowers shining bright, in the glare of the sunshine…I know that on this special day, on your birthday, God decided to send you from heaven, because earth was desperately in need of an angel.  I needed to see your smile one more time in that rainbow that was on the ground in front of our house – I even made Mami go down to see it.

I miss our all night conversations.

I miss you ironing and me cleaning.

I miss doing your homework.

I miss you teaching me how to swing a bat.

I miss us hiding out in the closet, reading aloud.

I miss our bike riding and roller blading.

I miss you always fighting my battles for me.

I miss you supporting me in all my impulsive decisions.

Most of all I miss you – your smile that could light up a room.

Give Papi a hug and save me some heavenly birthday cake.

AJ – my best friend, my only brother, my baby brother.  Death ends a life, not a relationship.   We shed tears because he is gone, but always smile because he had lived.  Those we love don’t go away, they walk beside us each and every day – unseen, unheard, but always near.  It broke my heart to lose him but he didn’t go alone – because a part of me went with him.  Missing him is knowing all about heaven and hell.  My very own Angel… always…♥

 


A very Happy Birthday goes out to the Heavens…

Wishing a happy, heavenly birthday to the funniest, kindest, sweetest, gentlest man I’ve ever known…My father…♥

Today is a hard day for me – I miss my Dad – he would have been 72!

♥ Happy Birthday to my Papi in Heaven. Forever in my heart. ♥
If There Are Roses In Heaven, Will You Send One Just For Me
So I Can Hold It Close To My Heart, Where You Will Always Be
I Will Lay It On My Pillow Each Night, As The Angels Tuck Me In
I Will Know That You Are Near Me, And Feel Your Presence Once Again
I Am Thankful For All The Years, You Were There To Help Me Through

I was down the Jersey shore yesterday and it brought up so many good memories of my Dad and I…

He always allowed us to bury him in the sand

Never complained when we wanted junk food from the boardwalk

Always played skee ball with me… (and let me win)

Loved orange creamsicles just like me

Crabbing

Fishing

All good times…even when it rained, he always found a way to make me laugh.

I went towards his fav place the other day – AC.  And I  passed a few Pepsi trucks early on – so I knew my guradian angels were with me.  *sigh* I miss you…every day…still your lil Indian Princess ♥

It’s so easy to take time for granted, but one day God chooses to take them home. And, it’s harder than words can express. I have such sweet memories of my life with him, memories I will cherish forever…I’m quite sure cake tastes even better in heaven!

For those of you whose fathers are still here are on earth with you – don’t forget to hug their necks tight and tell them you love them – each day.

You were like a rock

Strong, predictable and true

I was your youngest daughter –

Daddy’s little girl

I took my own path

But was still part of your world

I miss burying you in the sand down the Jersey shore

I miss walking on your back

I miss your hugs as your whiskers scratched my face

I miss you sleeping it off on my sofa when I lived near Branch Brook

I miss sitting on your lap as you called me your lucky charm as you beat everyone at dominos,

I miss you driving me and my sorority sisters to concerts…

I just miss you…Papi!

I always loved you

Papi, my Angel

Now my pain is

To worship you from afar

To remember you in pieces…

I love you now

As I did back then

I just hope… one day

I will see you again!

I love and miss you so much, sleep well

and take care of my other Angel who went before you

Forever in my heart xo  ♥

A Happy, Heavenly Birthday For My Papi In Heaven!

If roses grow in heaven,

Lord please pick a bunch for me,

Place them in my father’s arms
And tell him they’re from me.

Tell him that I love him and miss him,
And when he turns to smile,
Place a kiss upon his cheek
And hold him for awhile.
Because remembering him is easy,
I do it every day,
But there’s an ache within my heart
Because I am missing him today. ♥


T’s Pushing people away…again…

Trying really hard not to.  Every time I get sick, start feeling overwhelmed, feeling sorry for myself, I push people away.  I just can’t deal.  Some people make it easy.  My true friends give me the space I need but they won’t allow me to fully disappear.  Thank goodness.  I wish I could take back some things the past two weeks.  But I guess we really don’t get do-overs, do we?!

Yes, a part of me understands why things had to happen this way. I understand the reasons for causing me this pain and anxiety . But mere understanding does not chase away the hurt nor pain.  There are times when life suddenly casts a shadow before us: we suffer for sins we did not even commit, we go through situations we certainly do not deserve to be in. In such times, we have so many questions throbbing at the back of our minds, but the biggest of them all is “WHY?”  “Why ME!?!  Again…”

Pain = Pushed people away = Higher anxiety ~ Cycle?!

I have sadly learned that an answer is not really forthcoming.  I know I will not hear answers to these questions; the pain remains, life stands still, and I can’t do anything but wait ‘til everything’s over, until I can move on again like I used to, when my body didn’t fail me and my heart wasn’t shattered yet into the thousand lonely pieces they broke into.  Here is my most important question, and that is “HOW?”

How do I deal with my feelings of brokenness? How to continue moving forward? Where is my smile again?  Like many people, I’ve been through dark and painful moments in my life as well, moments I wanted to skip, moments when what I really wanted the most is to have my own time machine so I can either go back where I was happy, or fast forward anywhere in the future where I can find myself again. But no machine like that has ever been invented yet, and the only way to move from the terrible place where I stand is to continue going through the dark tunnel ahead that will lead me towards the new beginning I’m looking forward to.   *sigh*  I know once I do what the doctors suggest, I will be back on my journey.  But am I really ready?!

Sending an apology to my friends…out into the universe… I don’t mean to push you away.

I don’t have a fear of intimacy.  I don’t fear someone seeing the real me (well maybe this minute since my eyes hurt from crying).  I don’t fear someone might leave me.  I don’t fear that I might get hurt.  I recently met someone who I feel sabotaged their relationships, by allowing fear push people away.  I felt like it was the good old, “I’m gonna get you before you get me” syndrome, where someone behaves poorly to drive the other person away or just flat out breaks-up for no real good reason.  I have also seen people who sabotage themselves by consistently looking for things to fight about, to be jealous about or to be critical of.

But that’s not me – today I am admitting that I am pushing some people away because I have this inane belief that they can’t handle my life.  My uncertainty.  My getting sick.  My honesty.

So I am trying so hard to find and hold onto…accept, challenge, patience, love, strength, don’t dwell, learn, pray, laugh, cry, believe…keep breathing…hoping…

I don’t plan too far ahead…too much expectation, too much disappointment, too much illusion.  I tend to live from day to day.  Mostly it’s from moment to moment…gets me to the next step.  Pain is pain and suffering is suffering. There is no magic pill or any kind of painkiller that we can take to prevent us from feeling our hurts. We have to bear it head on and cling to the thought that things will definitely change for the better.  “I have deep sorrow today, and an unclear vision of the future. But nobody ever died of loneliness – only of hopelessness! As long as I have hope, no problem is ever too difficult, no night ever so dark that it can prevent the rising of another day!”

Can joy still exist even in my sorrows?!

Yes – although right this second, as I write this I am not fully embracing this but I do believe that joy and sorrow can definitely exist at the same time.  Someone deep down, I know I am going to get through this current hurdle.   Somewhere in my heart, there is a chamber of joy that has remained intact, untouched, forever guiding me in me most troublesome days and paths.  Faith, hope, loving myself…protects me and my happiness.

I didn’t realize the power of a secret I’ve been keeping. I didn’t notice the constant weight hanging on my shoulders. I didn’t realize the enormity of it all until I let it out today and now again via this post and I feel like I am slowly learning how to breathe again.

It’s nice to put trust into someone who speaks in “when’s” and not “if’s.” It’s nice to know that, despite how heavy and deep and painful a secret may be, there’s at least one person who’s willing to accept what you’ve told them and be honest when they tell you, “it’s not okay…but you’re going to be.”  Thank you – you know who you are….my rock, my sanity.  And ♥mm♥ is there too – even with September 11 fast approaching and my sadness hitting an all time high.  Talk about timing!

I have allowed some wrong people in my life this year, as well as learning to cherish the right people.  Still learning.  I think I will continue to look at most things as though they are my first time, as though it will be my last.  I will continue to pray, smile, and love!


Missing my brother…he is my Angel…

I truly can’t believe my baby brother has been gone now for 18 years.  Seriously where does the time go?!  Today I woke up and the sun was shining and I was thinking nice, peaceful thoughts and then it just happens like it just hits me – I can’t breathe, I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I miss him so much. It’s so hard to lose someone you love – all the words in the world can’t take away this sadness I feel at times. But I try to live my life the best I can. I try to live my life fully for him too….he was only 25 years young, taken from us at the beginning of his prime.  So many things he didn’t get to do, or experience…so I keep that in mind as I live my life.  Life after death…I have found the will over and over again to live every day. Death…that is why I never stay mad at anyone – I imagine them dead, so it’s easier to forgive them. I believe that there is some order, some purpose to all of this. I have stopped asking why my little brother. It still hurts so much but I have accepted that it has happened and whatever the reasons, they are not for me to know. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t wish I could just hear his voice one more time…

For a long time, I thought it would be easier, better not to invest in people – they leave, they die. Scary. But now I have learned that the alternative is so much worse. I am not going to convince anyone that losing AJ has made me a better person, I sometimes still get angry, sad. And most days it hurts so much, I can’t breathe. But the thought of never having had AJ in my life – now that would have been truly unbearable.

Love you, AJ. Missing you….xo to my Angels… ♥♥


Crazy, Stupid, Love.

MMT…

So yet another long day…finally unwinding at home after two glasses of wine, trying not to think only mmt…more.  Watching the movie, “Crazy, Stupid, Love”.  And the quotes that resonate with me tonight are the following:

Cal Weaver: She was gorgeous. She was one of those women that could be wildly sexy and unbelievably cute all at the same time.

Cal Weaver: I’m sorry, Robbie. I can’t give you that. But I can promise you this, I will never stop trying. Because when you find the one, you never give up.

Love it.  And the song for tonight … ♥

Nina Simone – Black Is The Color Of My True Love’s Hair

Watch, listen, and be so lucky…

 

 

 


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