My Scars Tell A Story …

I was on the line this past week at the NYC Passport Agency … more than 2 hours in 90 degree August weather … Not fun!  Realized that sometimes life becomes less about living and more about waiting … So tired of waiting!

A complete stranger noticed my scar on my back, near my right shoulder blade.  They asked me what happened.  I was surprised because it’s been a part of me for 40+ years – I forget it’s there.  I had my first cancerous tumors at six months old.  Forty years ago, no one was thinking beyond me getting healthier and growing old – not worrying about scars and plastic surgery.  This stranger mentioned I should look into scar revision surgery.   I politely listened to them.  But in my head I am thinking please leave me alone.   My scars are mine and they tell my story.  Some days they bring me comfort and remind me how much I have gone through and of my strength.

The quote by Steve Maraboli – resonates:  My scars tell a story. They are a reminder of times when life tried to break me, but failed.

My life has been hard.  It still is – most days.  I deal with sadness, grief, pain, hurt, anger, loss … I struggle on a daily basis to get out of bed and just put one foot in front of the other, trying to find my purpose and my smile.  I struggle to find the tenuous line between what hurts me and what heals me.  I struggle in letting go of the past and keep moving forward.

So I need to see beauty in my scars.  So many of us have scars – some visible, many not.  Some are inside of us, some are on the outside prominently and permanently on display.

So I will show my scars … because I continue to fight and survive.  I won’t hide my scars.  They are my reminders that I am still alive.  They serve as proof that God is forever healing me.  And I will keep finding beauty in my life and sharing my story … with grace in my step and hope in my heart.

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Grief At Odd Hours …

When I can’t sleep I find myself reading, writing, combination of both … picked up Dean Koontz’s book, Odd Hours.

And this quote just jumped out on me. So many people do an amazing job expressing exactly what I feel. Strong words resonate.

“Grief can destroy you –or focus you. You can decide a relationship was all for nothing if it had to end in death, and you alone. OR you can realize that every moment of it had more meaning than you dared to recognize at the time, so much meaning it scared you, so you just lived, just took for granted the love and laughter of each day, and didn’t allow yourself to consider the sacredness of it. But when it’s over and you’re alone, you begin to see that it wasn’t just a movie and a dinner together, not just watching sunsets together, not just scrubbing a floor or washing dishes together or worrying over a high electric bill. It was everything, it was the why of life, every event and precious moment of it. The answer to the mystery of existence is the love you shared sometimes so imperfectly, and when the loss wakes you to the deeper beauty of it, to the sanctity of it, you can’t get off your knees for a long time, you’re driven to your knees not by the weight of the loss but by gratitude for what preceded the loss. And the ache is always there, but one day not the emptiness, because to nurture the emptiness, to take solace in it, is to disrespect the gift of life.”

― Dean Koontz, Odd Hours

Beauty

Allow beauty  to shatter you regularly. The  loveliest  people are the ones  who have been burnt and broken and torn  at the seams, yet  still  send  their open hearts  into  the world  to mend  again, and again, and again. ~ Victoria Erickson

Exactly how I choose to live my life … fully, with no regrets.  Tears haven’t killed me yet.  Grace in my step, hope in my heart, beauty in my soul …. ♡

Love Lang …

I came across words, passages, quotes that loudly resonated with me and discovered an author that is in my head as well as heart – Lang Leav.

“What was it like to love him? Asked Gratitude.
It was like being exhumed, I answered, and brought to life in a flash of brilliance.

What was it like to be loved in return? Asked Joy.
It was like being seen after a perpetual darkness, I replied. To be heard after a lifetime of silence.

What was it like to lose him? Asked Sorrow. There was a long pause before I responded:

It was like hearing every goodbye ever said to me—said all at once.”

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“It happens like this.

“One day you meet someone and for some inexplicable reason, you feel more connected to this stranger than anyone else–closer to them than your closest family. Perhaps this person carries within them an angel–one sent to you for some higher purpose; to teach you an important lesson or to keep you safe during a perilous time. What you must do is trust in them–even if they come hand in hand with pain or suffering–the reason for their presence will become clear in due time.”

Though here is a word of warning–you may grow to love this person but remember they are not yours to keep. Their purpose isn’t to save you but to show you how to save yourself. And once this is fulfilled; the halo lifts and the angel leaves their body as the person exits your life. They will be a stranger to you once more.

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It’s so dark right now, I can’t see any light around me.
That’s because the light is coming from you. You can’t see it but everyone else can.”

Missing my ♥….

Just watched, “Autumn in New York”…and although my love wasn’t lost to me because of an illness, he was taken from me from a worse evil, terrorism.  I miss him each and every second of the day.

I’m looking for a way to feel you hold me
To feel your heart beat, just one more time
I’m reaching back, trying to touch the moment
Each precious minute that you were mine
How do you prepare,
when you love someone this way,
To let them go a little more each day?

CHORUS
The stars we put in place
The dreams we didn’t waste
The sorrows we embraced
The world belonged to you and me
The oceans that we crossed
The innocence we’ve lost
The hurting at the end
I’d go there again
cause it was beautiful
It was beautiful

Some days missing you is overwhelming
When it hits me you’re not coming back
And in my darkest hours I have wondered
Was it worth it, for the time we had?
My thoughts get kind of scattered,
but one thing I know is true
I bless the day that I found you, oh oh …

Gracias, no entendia lo que me sucedio, despues de muchos años recien hoy pude entender por que se me permitio conocer a esta persona que saco lo mejor de mi, y tengo que ser feliz por haberlo hecho….♥

 

 

Each day…bring meaning to your life…♥

I have been working for a little over a year now, have tried dating again, meeting new people – what I am learning each and every day is that I am really looking for more.  I meet so many people that just go through the motions of their lives, they seem content with the routine.  I am so different – I have been so impulsive in the past mainly due to the death sentence that hung over my head with the cancer diagnosis.  But with gift of a day, I am trying to be more grounded, stable but I still have this sense of joie de vivre.  I am still impatient, impulsive but am working on it.

I see many people at work who just do the bare minimum.  I can’t – I want to learn, grow, be challenged.  Even when the day’s tasks are boring, I try to teach myself one thing a day – even if it’s just a new word, a new shortcut in Microsoft software.

I continually learn that you don’t go out to find meaning in life, you bring meaning to your life!  Meaning isn’t something out there waiting for you to discover. The meaning of your life is what you infuse it with – beauty or ugliness, happiness or sadness. It is totally your choice, and God wants it to be your choice because God gave you free will.

So many people keep telling me I look better these days, my smile is ever present.  But other people tell me how much weight I have gained; my Mom and her friend have called me ‘fat’.  I understand that in either case, it is just words – but words still hurt – at any age.  I have been totally inactive for years.  And even with my being back to work the past year, after the car accident this past January – I have been totally inactive again.  I am trying to get up, out and about more.  I am hoping with the warmer weather, I will be able to walk more and gradually lose some weight.  Need to get back to eating better, caring more about myself.

I have been a little happier.  I have finally rid myself of those people who were just selfish and using me.  I keep the negative people at a distance.  And just keep moving forward.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself from people. If they care, they will notice. If they don’t, you know where you stand. And you can save yourself some heartbreak and sadness.

And I am going to take the advice a friend offered recently – “Eat like a queen in the morning, a princess at noon, and a peasant at dinner”.

And I will continue on my path to learning, experiencing new things.  Key in life is to live the questions…If you ask questions, then you are never lost…If you ask questions, you will find deeper meaning in the world…and hopefully with most of my health woes behind me, I need to accept that scars remind us where we have been – they do not have to dictate where we are going…

I plan to keep working on having the life I want, the one I deserve.  I need to work on following my own dreams.  Read an e-book recently by Jonathan Mead and love this quote, “This is a declaration of authenticity, an act of spontaneity, and a call to live deliberately.”  ♥

Living deliberately how I choose to live my life and will focus most of my energies on my journey.  I absolutely cringe at the thought of having life happen TO me as opposed to actively creating the life I want, the life that will make ME happy….each and every day, strive to do something spontaneous and just  for myself.  Try it….♥

Bleeding Love….

Fechada para o amor
Eu não precisava da dor
Uma ou duas vezes foi suficiente
E foi tudo em vão
O tempo começa a passar

Closed for love
I did not need the pain
Once or twice was enough
And it was all in vain
Time starts to pass

 

 

 

 

My life isn’t like a box of chocolates, its like a Nicholas Sparks book…♥

I sometimes think that Nicholas Sparks and I are living parallel lives…I have experienced such moments and feelings that he has so succinctly captured them in his writings, his books….

“You’re going to come across people in your life who will say all the right words at all the right times. But in the end, it’s always their actions you should judge them by. It’s actions, not words, that matter.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Rescue

“You can’t live your life for other people. You’ve got to do what’s right for you, even if it hurts some people you love.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Notebook

“Sometimes you have to be apart from people you love, but that doesn’t make you love them any less. Sometimes you love them more.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song

“It’s possible to go on, no matter how impossible it seems, and that in time, the grief . . . lessens. It may not go away completely, but after a while it’s not so overwhelming.”
― Nicholas Sparks, Dear John

“Without suffering, there’d be no compassion.”
― Nicholas Sparks, A Walk to Remember

“Dreams are always crushing when they don’t come true. But it’s the simple
dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so
reasonable, so attainable. You’re always close enough to touch, but never quite
close enough to hold and it’s enough to break your heart.”
― Nicholas Sparks, Three Weeks with My Brother

“I have faith that God will show you the answer. But you have to understand that
sometimes it takes a while to be able to recognize what God wants you to do.
That’s how it often is. God’s voice is usually nothing more than a whisper, and
you have to listen very carefully to hear it. But other times, in those rarest
of moments, the answer is obvious and rings as loud as a church bell.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Last Song

“It happens to everyone as they grow up. You find out who you are and what you
want, and then you realize that people you’ve known forever don’t see things the
way you do. So you keep the wonderful memories, but find yourself moving on.”
― Nicholas Sparks

“He often felt that too many people lived their lives acting and pretending,
wearing masks and losing themselves in the process.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Choice

“I have come to realize that destiny can hurt a person as much as it can bless
them, and I find myself wondering why–out of all the people in all the world I
could ever have loved–I had to fall in love with someone who was taken away
from me.”
― Nicholas Sparks, Message in a Bottle

“It’s funny, but have you ever noticed that the more special something is, the
more people seem to take it for granted? It’s like they think it won’t ever
change. Just like this house here. All it ever needed was a little attention,
and it would never have ended up like this in the first place.”
― Nicholas Sparks, The Wedding

“Theresa, I know there’s a part of you that believes you can change someone, but
the reality is that you can’t. You can change yourself, and Garrett can change
himself, but you can’t do it for him.”
― Nicholas Sparks, Message in a Bottle

“If some lives form a perfect circle, others take shape in ways we cannot predict or always understand.  Loss has been a part of my journey. But it has also shown me what is precious. So has a love for which I can only be grateful.”

― Nicholas Sparks, Message in a Bottle

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Quotes that resonated today

My friends posted some quotes today on FB today and they definitely struck a chord within me – may they serve as a reminder on how to live life:

“Be patient toward all that is unsolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves, like locked rooms and like books that are now written in a very foreign tongue. Do not now seek the answers, which cannot be given you because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps you will then gradually, without noticing it, live along some distant day into the answer.”  ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

“We need, in love, to practice only this: letting each other go. For holding on comes easily; we do not need to learn it.”  ~ Rainer Maria Rilke

“Maybe our favorite quotations say more about us than about the stories and people we’re quoting.”  ~ John Green

“Maybe who we are isn’t so much about what we do, but rather what we’re capable of when we least expect it.” ~ Jodi Picoult

“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor, and some style” ~ Maya Angelou

“Life is short, Break the Rules.
Forgive quickly, Kiss SLOWLY.
Love truly. Laugh uncontrollably
And never regret ANYTHING
That makes you smile.”
~ Mark Twain

“I love people who make me laugh. I honestly think it’s the thing I like most, to laugh. It cures a multitude of ills. It’s probably the most important thing in a person.” ~  Audrey Hepburn

♥ღ…ℒℴνℯ…ღ♥(✿◠‿◠)♥

Happy birthday, AJ!! ♥ Cha, Cha, Cha…

Happy Birthday Baby Brother . . . in Heaven.

♪♫ Happy Birthday to You, cha, cha, cha.
Happy Birthday to You, cha, cha, cha.
Happy Birthday Dear AJ
Happy Birthday to You, cha, cha, cha. ♪♫

Today is my best friend’s birthday.  My brother would have been 44 years old today.  I can never imagine you as 44 – but always as my scheming, smarty-pants, partner in crime and mischief, my protector.  He was taken from us way too soon.  I know he is having a big ‘ol party in heaven with our Dad – probably playing dominoes, drinking and eating cake.  He deserves it.  I know he must be having a blast knowing so many people love him here on earth.

Wish I could just one more time say, “Happy birthday Brother from the little sister who knew you when…and loves you still”….in person.

A lot of words unspoken, affection unexpressed.  Still, I hope you know it . . . as a brother, you were the best.

You would have loved today’s weather – sun peeking through now.   You were the first person to mention how the fall as like the spring but with leaves as flowers.  The rain has stopped, the leaves on the ground look like flowers shining bright, in the glare of the sunshine…I know that on this special day, on your birthday, God decided to send you from heaven, because earth was desperately in need of an angel.  I needed to see your smile one more time in that rainbow that was on the ground in front of our house – I even made Mami go down to see it.

I miss our all night conversations.

I miss you ironing and me cleaning.

I miss doing your homework.

I miss you teaching me how to swing a bat.

I miss us hiding out in the closet, reading aloud.

I miss our bike riding and roller blading.

I miss you always fighting my battles for me.

I miss you supporting me in all my impulsive decisions.

Most of all I miss you – your smile that could light up a room.

Give Papi a hug and save me some heavenly birthday cake.

AJ – my best friend, my only brother, my baby brother.  Death ends a life, not a relationship.   We shed tears because he is gone, but always smile because he had lived.  Those we love don’t go away, they walk beside us each and every day – unseen, unheard, but always near.  It broke my heart to lose him but he didn’t go alone – because a part of me went with him.  Missing him is knowing all about heaven and hell.  My very own Angel… always…♥