My brief time working on Wall Street again is coming to an end … bittersweet end. It has been an awakening time for me … accepting and new found peace time for me. I still have a strong connection to this place. I have turned down a few jobs through the years to work in this financial downtown area because I just couldn’t bear to go through the World Trade Center and pass the site where my forever heart perished so many years ago. This past year, I have grown to accept my life in ways that no one can understand – ways that I can barely articulate.. I still ache each time I pass through the WTC, but pain and nostalgia no longer paralyze me. Sure it overwhelms me at times, but I keep moving forward. I try to focus on all the good memories and new memories of being downtown, the familiar and the unknown.
I met someone briefly that allowed me to open my eyes to so many possibilities. There are so many beautiful things in the world to explore, experience, relish and I plan to do just that.
I am going to miss being able to walk down to the South Street Seaport and just look out into the calm waters and let my thoughts drift. I am going to miss the soft jazz music that can be heard every morning outside my work building. I may even miss all the tourists and school groups that come this way….ah maybe not. I will miss Brookfield Place and all the fun things that take place in the area, especially the Lowdown Hudson Music Fest!
I won’t miss the 9/11 Memorial.
I will miss the hand that held mine recently on a few walks around this area. I wonder if he will ever know the profound effect he had on my life in such a short time … and although he may never know, I will forever know. The way he would apply a little pressure when holding my hand, calmed me and made some of anxiety melt away, especially when he squeezed the area between my thumb and my forefinger.
The way he evoked so many memories for me … maybe wasn’t fair to him; but priceless to me. I knew Michael, my forever heart, was trying to still tell me something even if I wasn’t ready to fully understand all at the time. Comforting.
I am moving forward … with grace in my step and hope in my heart …
This year has brought to light many betrayals. My body has betrayed me. Some girlfriends double crossed me. Another friend disclosed some information in the hopes of exposing some little known facts about me. Some friends I want to believe unintentionally revealed little things. But the biggest betrayal was from a person I considered a best friend, the one who knew all my secrets, fears. I have never felt so disillusioned and vulnerable. Mind you, I have family members who are mentally ill and re-write history all of the time. So I am used to betrayal but not to this magnitude, not from the one person I considered sane, in control.
I go to Mass and want to light a candle for all that are lost. But then I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror – and I am the one that is lost. “It is not an enemy who taunts me – I could bear that. It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me – I could have hidden from them. Instead, it is you – my equal, my companion and close friend. What good fellowship we once enjoyed as we walked together to the house of God.” – Psalm 55:12-15
Of all experiences in life, betrayal by a trusted friend is one of the most difficult to understand, accept, move on from. I find it difficult to breathe some times. My self-esteem was already at a low from my accident, losing my job, dealing with a new cancer, feeling dependent. Betrayals from friends only further produced feelings of worthlessness for having trusted an untrustworthy person. I feel like anger and depression are my only recourse. It raises questions about my judgment. Because of the intimate friend’s knowledge of my situation, such betrayal has great potential for further damage. And I am just not equipped right now, in this singular frame of mind to effectively deal with all of it.
I just quietly pray. Help me, Lord God, to let go of the hurts that have come my way. Amen.
Igniting my own true light out of this darkness.
Ever hear a voice and know it was meant to whisper to you, stir your soul? I spoke to someone yesterday and knew from a simple, “hello”…that something wonderful will come of this exchange. Time will tell.
In my awake dreams…we meet, we part, you walk away from me, your back to me…so much felt, so much unsaid…maybe we can live in this silence. I won’t deny my feelings…resistance is not an option. I am a willing victim, wanting to surrender to you…always leaving me wanting more. Of you, us. Fueled by our time apart. Words unspoken. It is within the very stillness of my solitude, that I can hear my soul whispering…I sit here at home alone in my thoughts where your very essence lingers…fractions at a time.
I lost my heart a long time ago…and the pieces of its broken core have yet to mend. Maybe your first true love is the one that sticks with you because it’s the only person who will receive all of you. After that, you learn more, but most of all, no matter what, a piece of you forever remains left behind in the heart of the one you first loved – a piece no future lover could ever get, no matter what. That piece holds innocence, the belief that love really can last forever; it held true friendship and real pain; trial and error; that one kiss you’ll never forget and that night under the stars you can never get back; it holds youth and everything you thought love would be, everything that was proven wrong….but life moves forward. Hearts harden and minds get weary.
I say no more…I long for the whispers in my ear. The tingle of fingers touching. Longing…voices of the future competing with voices of the past…