Category Archives: anger

Healing from abusive parents

Emotionally, today has been a very hard day.  I am the primary caregiver of my sick, aging mother and step father – today they were down right toxic and I could barely tolerate them.  They are so oblivious to my well being and so verbally and emotionally abusive.  I am drained.  Depressed.  Suffering from PTSD.  My anxiety is at an all-time high and now that I am upstairs away from them, I can’t stop crying.

I am working on maintaining peace and keeping my self esteem from hitting rock bottom.  For so many years, I have tried to have a relationship with them especially my mother, but it has been hard and disappointing.  So many times it was painful and upsetting – like today.

I get up early, I run errands for them.  I clean their apartment.  I pay the bills.  I try to be pleasant.  But they were both so critical and demeaning today.  I was too slow, too stupid, too lazy, too fat according to them.  We had torrential rains yesterday and had a leak from the second floor to the first and had to replace some of the drop ceiling tiles.  My step dad was insistent on going with me, caused a scene at the hardware store.  I found myself apologizing to all.  He continued to berate me in front of all these strangers calling me stupid, blind – I was trying so hard to remain calm, not cry.  It made me so sad and tired.  We finally made it back home.  Now I had to write to calm myself down.  Words flow out of me, help me focus on good not the bad.

I decided early in my teens to study psychology.  I really needed to understand how to survive in a highly dysfunctional family, with emotionally neglectful parents.  I know all too well what they weren’t able to give me, how they failed me.  I had tried to talk to them years ago but to no avail,  They were not willing to acknowledge nor understand.  So I kept some distance but the past seven years has me back home helping them full time.  It was a decision I made  with many doubts but I felt I had no choice.  They needed help.  I struggle daily on how to handle the pain that I feel every day when my  parents treat me as if I am invisible and I don’t matter.   

I am a compassionate, sensitive person  Always have been – even to my detriment.  I understand that my parents did not have the easiest nor best childhoods themselves.  I understand how they are selfish and self serving.  I am just trying to put some energy into my own healing.  I continue to forgive.  I know I can’t undo history.  I know that I matter and I am not pathetic, stupid nor weak.  Just breathing, trying to be patient, love my parents the best I can … with hope in heart and grace in my step.

 

 

 


Me….Screaming….

So many people take so much for granted. I think sometimes life is so unfair. People have parents, brothers and loves and take them for granted – I wonder do they realize what they have. I think too the price we pay for loving so much is an immense pain when we suffer loss because I don’t just hurt like normal people – I hurt so much more- I can’t let them go and in many ways I refuse to let them go. Cancer may haunt me, but I will be damned if I will let it define me…I am trying so hard each and every day not to let my health define me nor change my life drastically. I sometimes lose that battle. I struggle to regain some normalcy. Many people just don’t get me nor can understand my choices. And that is okay. I get it. And that is all that should matter. I sadly don’t think many people realize how words can affect other people.

Words can be so brutal. Sometimes I just feel lost, helpless. I try so hard to just smile through all. I just wish more people could think before speaking, writing. We all should guard our words better. Words once spoken, can’t be unspoken. We just can’t take them back. Even if it was a joke, even if you were being curious; your words can be hurtful, brutal and may stay with the other person forever. It’s better to be silent than to be an idiot. For the most part, I believe that people don’t mean to be cruel, they just don’t fully comprehend all.

I have been sickly since I was born. So I have tried really hard to not take my health nor the days of my life for granted. I sadly see so many people who just think they are invincible. Some of my friends eat right, they exercise, and they still think disease or accidents can’t reach their lives. I just want to scream sometimes. I just want to yell, “don’t take your health for granted….don’t put things off…tomorrow may never get here…”.

Sigh….tired. Tomorrow will be a long day for my family. So many doctors, so little time. Aye, so I wasn’t blessed with good health. I have teeth that I’m lucky are still (mostly) there. I have hair that I’m lucky hasn’t all fallen out. I have a body that has been beaten and broken many times over by something I’ll never fully understand. And for a time, I really thought that was all there was. But, I’m a fighter and have decided early on that this wasn’t how my story will end.

Me….screaming…appreciate, don’t take the little things for granted…Live each day…live deliciously!

pray


“Receiving with love” …♥

I am so tired these days…almost feeling like I did many years ago battling leukemia and depression. Sick and tired….But these days I find myself tired and easily getting agitated, as well. I am getting old and cranky, I guess. Now on top of all that saddens me, I must find a way to deal with anger?? This shorter fuse I have these days is easily triggered by things that irritate me, so many pet peeves —from simple things like people who walk their dogs while talking on the phone to big stuff such as political/religious issues. Lately, these work day mornings, I find myself muttering under my breath, when tourists stand on both sides of the escalators in the City. Doesn’t everyone know by now that you stand to the right and walk on the left??

Tonight I watched a silly, funny movie, “Our Idiot Brother”. There is a hilarious scene in the film that resonates with me regarding rage. There is a phrase what will now become my mantra, a reminder that not everything is worth getting my panties in a bunch.

In this one funny scene, the brother’s sisters go the home of his former hippie girlfriend to retrieve his dog. His sisters are angry as is the girlfriend:

Girlfriend Janet: I am not going to stand here and be insulted on my own porch.
Sister Miranda: I’ll insult you right here [off the porch].
Janet: OK, I’m a pacifist. I don’t play that way.
Miranda: I’m gonna peace you in the side of the f*^%in’ head you don’t give us the dog.
Janet: I’m not going to receive that with anything but love. ( ♥ this)

While the sisters are right about getting the dog back, and the Janet is rather annoying in her hippie-ness, what sticks with me is the “receiving with love” part.

I’ve been practicing it all day, and just plain giggling out loud. When something starts getting to me, like not understanding how and why my upstairs neighbors can be so loud in their mere existence, I say to myself, “I am going take in their slamming of drawers with love, just love.” And it calms me. lol

Doing this seems to force a break between the event and the jump to irritation/anger, and gives my brain time to decide whether a reaction is worth it. I find most of the time it’s not. If it is worth it, I have given myself time and space to appropriately formulate a reaction that will benefit me and the situation in the end.

It seems to be helping, and I am spending more time chuckling than I am fuming. All is good….with love…♥


Understanding leads to transformation….♥

“Everyone who terrifies you is sixty-five percent water.  And everyone you love is made of stardust, and I know sometimes you cannot even breathe deeply, and the night sky is no home, and you have cried yourself to sleep enough times that you are down to your last two percent, but nothing is infinite, not even loss.  You are made of the sea and the stars, and one day you are going to find yourself again.” – Finn Butler

Anger clouds the mind

Hatred blurs the vision

Peace clears the mind

Love restores the vision

“I free myself from hatred through forgiveness and love. I understand that suffering, when it cannot be avoided, is here to help me on my way to glory. I understand that everything is connected, that all roads meet, and that all rivers flow into the same sea. That is why I am, at this moment, an instrument of forgiveness, forgiveness for crimes that were committed; one crime I know about, the other I do not.” – Paulo Coelho

Transform your life.  Rewrite your destiny.  I am…

Esthero – Crash ft Jonah Johnson Lyrics:

Crashed down on the floor, hold your breath and fall apart.
You made a simple mistake and now you’re paying for it with your heart.
Some of us make our own beds, but we can’t afford to lay in them.
Remember I always have said you should leave me alone.

‘Cause I don’t wanna crash now I’m afraid, that I’m going nowhere way too fast.
And I can’t hear what you say, I’m in a conversation with my past.
And maybe is wasn’t brave, so much as brazen but it got me through.
And somehow the path that I’ve paved just keeps leading me to you.

But I don’t wanna crash now, mm mm.
I don’t wanna crash now, mm mm mm.

I shouldn’t have been afraid to let you down, I just wanna hold you in my arm again.
If only for a moment I could have you here, lady, I would never let you go.

‘Cause I don’t wanna crash now, no oh.
I don’t wanna crash now, no way.

Come on in the sun,
When you’re scared, and facin’ down.
‘Cause here I am, in front of you, and you will not, be alone.

Keep facing the sun you’ll reach it one day,
Baby don’t look back ’til you get what you need
And you need to be free.
And when the sun rolls down there’s still tomorrow,
Don’t you be afraid to let your sorrow breathe,
Your strength is all you need.

Did you ever know you were the one?
‘Cause I could hardly even tell.


Fake People Annoy ME!

Some people just need a sympathetic pat…
On the head…
With a Hammer…
That is how I am feeling today…disliking people who are so self-absorbed that they have no idea what is going on around them, in front of them.  Sad.

One thing I’ve learned about myself is that I have a very low- to-no tolerance for bullshit and insincere people.

With people, I can’t stand facades. People tend to put up fronts because they want to be perceived a certain way, they want you to think highly of them, respect them, and maybe even admire them. Sometimes they build up facades because they’re just scared of being judged or hurt by you. They built up these fronts to represent themselves because deep down, they are flawed individuals in one way or another.

The thing is, I like people a lot more when they acknowledge their flaws, rather than hiding them. For me, when people open up to me, it’s wonderful. The friendships I have where people are perfectly candid and show me their true selves, exposing their feelings regardless of how vulnerable that makes them,  are the friendships I value most.  I appreciate genuine sincerity in people.  If you can acknowledge that flawed part of yourself you don’t like, it demonstrates a certain strength of character that is not evident when you mask yourself. It makes you more human to me, and helps me accept your flaws.

People are more beautiful when you accept them for what they really are. Flaws make us human, and struggling to overcome those flaws make us even more so. But one crucial step to growing as a person is to not lie to yourself. Sharing who you are without reservation with another person is as intimate as you can get, in my opinion.

I used to feel sorry for some people who felt the need to pretend.  Now seriously – step away.  So you posers out there who manipulate, try to say what you think others want to hear, please stay away from me.

I rather spend time with children who are sweetly oblivious and not caring how others perceive them.  They usually smile and think all is great – until some mean spirited person brings their flaws to their attention.

A child has no ego, no past or future. The child has no attachments, and because of this, they are able to express themselves fully, without any prejudices or preconceived ideas.  Ah the innocent, young and truly beautiful souls that exist should have no real enemies but time.

I despise the true hypocrite – the one who ceases to preceive his deception, the one who lies with sincerity.

Actions will always speak louder than words – and actions will always hurt more and lie louder than words.

In the words of Abraham Lincoln:  You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time.  Fake people should remember these wise words!


Trust…

Only trust someone who can see the following three (3) things in YOU:

  1. The sorrow behind your smile.
  2. The love behind your anger.
  3. The reason behind your silence.

♥ mm ♥


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