Category Archives: Advice

Cheating Hearts…

I have been single most of my life. I have had one true love who died way too soon. I am probably not the best person when it comes to relationship advice, I guess. But I know what I want, and what I would do to keep love alive. I have had a few friends and family who have confided in me that their partners have cheated. I always wonder if my love cheated on me what I would do. And the most honest I can ever be with myself and with them – is that it depends. I know that I personally have pushed many people away – many possible loves away with my insecurities about my health and my earlier thinking years ago that I was cheating on my love and his memory if I allowed myself to fall in love again. I think I have worked through most of my own insecurities. I think as we get older, we have to continually grow. Change is inevitable. Love, relationships take constant work. I used to ask my Dad, who claimed to love my Mom until his last breath. They married young, and he cheated on her from day one. He had one night stands and even a full blown out 2 year affair. He always told me that he didn’t get what he needed at home. My Mom finally got tired and divorced my Dad – but not until 20+ years later and a lot of anger, dysfunction, 5 kids screwed up, etc. I was 12 when the divorce was final and was I ever happy. I just knew back then that both of my parents deserved more, different. My Dad had many women in his life. He was a larger than life kind of guy who who died at the young age of 57 due to his excesses. He drank too much, ate too much, gambled too much, and womanized too much. He flirted, he was a charmer, he loved to make others laugh – of course women were attracted to that. He was a romantic deep down inside. Women flirted with him, too, every where we went. I used to shake my head. But he never stopped loving my Mom – not even after she remarried. He just couldn’t give her the security and the stability she needed. I love both my parents. But I do admit to staying away from Latin charming men. I try not to date men who drink too much, who smoke, who gamble. Its what I have taught myself to stay away from. But I digress a tad. I am not sure what I would do if my partner cheated on me. I would like to think I would forgive if it were a moment of weakness; but if my partner engaged in a two-year affair with someone else – I don’t think forgiveness would be forthcoming. A long affair, to me, symbolizes a bigger problem. The partner is a liar. A good one. And I have little tolerance for lies.

I understand attraction to new things, people is normal. Its life affirming and can be fun. But everything has consequences. Every action a reaction. Laws of life, love. Many people cheat because of sex. It is easily available at most. But I think people cheat because of emotional needs. I think my Dad did. I know we all need validation and feel connected. Its only human nature. I think people get caught up in the daily things of life that when they are finally home together, they are not fully present, not fully engaged with each other. They are thinking about tomorrow, and that next work project, the next commitment – they don’t work on the current task of loving their partner. I don’t know. I am always at a loss when I learn of betrayal. I have been betrayed by new beaus and many friends. But not the same when you have spent years building a family, a home and to have the lies, trust becomes a forever issue. Its a loss. People must take the time to mourn and grieve. I know I felt slightly betrayed when Michael died. I felt like he cheated me on a life with him. The feelings don’t last – they are at best slightly out of touch with reality. But they are real feelings, and we must OWN our feelings. Just like the cheating lying partners and people must OWN their part. They must realize that they deserve anger from their partner. There is real trauma. Lives are thrown out of a routine. Being right is less important than compromise. I wish more people could remember that the love they had is first even before children and careers. I wish they could compliment each other more, continue going on dates, holding hands and kissing foreheads. Maybe this is why I will always be single. I don’t want to feel any more loss. I don’t want to settle for less. I want love to be pure and forever present. I want my forever date, and if I am in a relationship, I can’t live without those butterfly kisses and the thumb rubs on my palm. I miss being in love but I won’t settle for cheating hearts. I will continue to listen and try to help my friends who are lost and feel broken. We all feel broken at times.

I know that I, at times, don’t give new people nor relationships many chances. But I am okay with that. I have high standards and am okay alone. I am a loner, for the most part. I like the ideal of love and romance more than I like to settle or put up with less than what I deserve. And, I believe that if you haven’t learned what is important, what is worth fighting for, what is worth keeping, well then you don’t deserve me in your life. The only real affair I need is the one I have with myself. So … Let’s all keep moving forward with grace in our steps and hope in our hearts.

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Break

Need a break from myself. I am my own worst enemy. I am too sensitive. I feel to much. I try too hard. I am exhausted. I know all too well, if someone keeps hurting you time and time again, they will never change as long as you keep letting them – I need to change myself, and stop allowing them to hurt … but sounds so simple in theory. I am tired from being just a passing time person for many people. I know all the lines, motto, etc. If people don’t make an effort to be in your life, don’t try so hard to be in theirs, it’s not worth it. Don’t make someone a priority who makes you an option.

Many say don’t be too nice, you will be taken for granted. But why should I change?! I just have to get wiser, stronger – not stop being too nice. But there are times when you have to show people that you cannot be taken for granted. You cannot be considered weak and your opinions must be considered. This is what I need to work on.

I have just been so emotionally drained – let down by people, in general. Family, so-called friends, dating – all have left me feeling unsure about myself. I feel like I am the one always trying – trying to make time, ask them out, follow-up, texting to check in – but I am not getting much in return. I think many feel that I am strong and a loner, and just don’t need them somehow – I need to believe this somehow – otherwise, I must accept that people suck and are just mean, selfish people. I can’t live my life this way.

I am sure all have watched the movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You” – well it rings true and the book is even more full of wise advice. SO many quotes, so much sage advice – I have heard all before – just have to truly find a way to listen, learn, let go and live by it.

“If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you. Don’t be with someone who doesn’t do what they say they’re going to do. If he’s choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn’t respect your feelings and needs. “Busy” is another word for “asshole.” “Asshole” is another word for the guy you’re dating. You deserve a fucking phone call.”
― Greg Behrendt

“You picked a lemon, throw it away lemonade is overrated. Freaks should remain at the circus, not in your apartment. You already have one asshole. You don’t need another. Make a space in your life for the glorious things you deserve. Have faith.”
― Greg Behrendt, He’s Just Not That Into You: The No-Excuses Truth to Understanding Guys

“When someone tells you they are too ‘busy’… It’s not a reflection of their schedule; it’s a reflection of YOUR spot on their schedule.”
― Steve Maraboli


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