Author Archives: Teresita

About Teresita

I am a writer, a thinker, an introvert, work behind the scenes kind of person - I am of Puerto Rican blood, have an Italian soul, and a Berliner mind....just learning...♥

Love Myself More

Summer is almost here … so is June – the month I usually start dating and make every effort to be more active and social.  I let January pass by without even a thought to dating.  Anyone who knows me or has been following my blog knows I tend to date in ‘J ‘ months … no singularly one reason … just with new year’s resolutions to be more open and more social and summer months with warmer weather, I try to get out and about.  Just this past November, I wrote how I was going to put myself first and start dating!  Ha!!  I just managed to hibernate longer and further isolate myself this past winter.

I have noticed something about myself this year – I have allowed myself to gain even more weight and dress shabbier.  My hair is usually a mess or under a hat, sweats have become my uniform, my legs haven’t been shaved nor moisturized in months … I haven’t had a pedicure in a year and I have even ‘borrowed’ clothes from my 80-year-old Mom.  Apologies on sharing too much … but this my is safe place, my venting, no judgment zone.

I didn’t just let myself go, I gave up – without much thought.  I found myself walking to Church the other day actually hoping that no one would look at me, talk to me or even notice me.  I prayed for absolutely no contact. Just this morning walking to the train station I caught a glimpse of myself in a car window – I looked sullen and frumpy.  For a second, I did a double take – wondering who that person was.  Talk about out of body experiences.

Then it was like a light bulb went off … I purposely let myself go.  Depression isn’t the only thing at play here … I have let myself go because I didn’t want the attention to only be let down again.  Subconsciously, I put on weight because I didn’t want to look good and be sexually attractive.  I have been using weight as protection.  *sigh*

I lost my dog in February … so less walking.  Still taking steroids … dexamethasone, prednisolone, methylprednisolone… oh my!  I love to eat … especially sweets.  I don’t go to the gym.  I am 51.  Yikes!  I get it.

What the heck have I been doing?  Letting life happen instead of taking it by the horns and l i v i n g …

Need to formulate a plan and start creating the life AND body I want … sure maybe not the body I had in my 20s nor 30s but some semblance of healthy … middle ground for my middle age!

I need to learn how to put myself first, stop hiding behind excuses, make an effort, stop being afraid of receiving attention – positive attention; get healthier and yes start dating … again!  No more weight as a cloak for invisibility.  Find and then do things that make me unequivocally happy.  I need to change from the inside out in order for any dieting and changes to my level of activity to have the most profound effect.   Here’s to commitment … to myself.  I promise to love myself more …  the only real relationship I want this summer and every month that starts with the letter ‘J’ is with myself.  But flirting can be fun.  We will see.  *giggles*

Putting it out there in the universe, holding myself accountable … with grace in my step and hope in my heart.

Advertisements

How do you teach grief?

I am sad … and then I feel selfish, and helpless.  My Goddaughter lost her baby girl only a few weeks old due to contracting Group B Strep bacterial infection, GBS.  I had never heard of this insidious infection.  It has robbed my niece of her happy self.  Joy so quickly turned to sorrow.  And I don’t know how to help her through any of this.  I have dealt with my own grief so many times yet these days I am lost as to how to help my own Goddaughter.

I wish I could hug her and tell her things will get better, lighter with time.  But I know from my own personal experiences that is a lie.  Time doesn’t diminish grief.  Time doesn’t make it better.  Bad things happen to good people.  Things sometimes don’t happen for a good reason.

Logically, I understand and accept that grief is indeed an inevitable part of life; but knowing this doesn’t make getting through the day any easier.  Everyone grieves differently and I just wish I could spare my niece this unbearable pain.  I don’t know how to make her empty arms not ache to hold her baby girl.  I don’t know how to fill the wounded hole in her heart. I don’t know how to lessen the ache she must be feeling each and every minute.

How do I help her heal by letting her know that grieving is more than acceptable?  How can I begin to explain to her that loss has taught me to love more and appreciate life even more?  How do I show her that by writing, by sharing my own stories, reaching out to others has been my saving grace?  How do I teach her that love nor the pain goes away, it doesn’t diminish but when love grows I know there is life with loss, slow part of healing.  How do I let her know that she will always have a forever hole in her heart?

How do I show her my very own social face of grief?  I worry so much for her since I know how much grief can isolate one.  Depression and PTSD have isolated me too much in the past.  It has taken me a long time, and much effort to keep getting out of bed and putting one foot in front of the other … and now knowing what I deal with, I wish I could somehow spare my niece even the tiniest bit of this darkness.  I pray that she finds the strength to get up, move each day.  I know she will stumble and wonder how she can move when her spirits are so weighed down.

How do I let her know that my own grief still paralyzes me at times, that tears still surprise me?   How I do I let her know that choosing to live is a choice I make each and every day?  How do I express to her that although it has taken me a long time, and I still work at it every day, but I have learned how to live with loss.  I wish I could hug her and absorb some of her pain.  How do I tell her that it is okay to be happy and let joy in?  How do I show her that life changes and you grow from the deepest parts of your soul?  How can I show her how to claw from the bottom of despair and such unimaginable sorrow and pain over and over again?  How can I explain how grief teaches us to love more and reach deeper in our souls for acceptance for living?

I feel so much more deeply now because of my grief – its a cursing and a blessing.  I don’t know how to make things better for my Goddaughter.

I will never stop letting her know I am here … for whatever, whenever.  As I continue to work through my own grief, accepting that healing doesn’t mean I am never sad or that my memories fade … instead I try to relive certain memories, smiling through the tears, forever grateful for having those memories … learning how to embrace all of my feelings …. the love, the grief, the pain, the sorrow, the smiles, the joy … with grace in my step and hope in my heart.

 

 


You won’t know until you get there that you’re okay …

Wow!  I haven’t written in a really long time.  Had some minor surgery and being laid up, missing work, but catching up on reading and watching movies.  Just watched the movie. “The Hollars” and it had me crying through the tears.  Funny, sad, characters are quirky and the family dysfunctional …  life.

It’s about John Hollar (John Krasinski – who also directed this gem), a struggling NYC artist who returns to his small hometown and reconnects with his estranged family because his mother falls ill.  His girlfriend is pregnant, having twins and she is beautifully played by Anna Kendrick.  When John admits to his Mom that he is terrified she states, “Don’t worry.  You won’t know until you get there that you are okay”.

And that is exactly how I feel.  Loved this movie.  It was sweet, thoughtful.  And it reintroduced me to this great song by Indigo Girls, “Closer to Fine”.

Lyrics:

 

I’m trying to tell you something about my life, maybe give me insight between black and white. The best thing you’ve ever done for me is to help me take my life less seriously, it’s only life after all.  Well darkness has a hunger that’s insatiable. And lightness has a call that’s hard to hear. I wrap my fear around me like a blanket. I sailed my ship of safety till I sank it, I’m crawling on your shore. I went to the doctor, I went to the mountains I looked to the children, I drank from the fountain.  There’s more than one answer to these questions pointing me in crooked line. The less I seek my source for some definitive, the closer I am to fine …

Yes … the closer I am to fine …. with hope in my heart, grace in my step, tears in my eyes, a smile on my lips …

 


Loving Myself Enough to Share …

It’s been a long time since I’ve actually written and rambled here on my blog and especially write about my dating woes.  One reason was because I have not been dating and all the J months passed me by as did the summer.  Now here it is November and I promised my friends I will start dating … and truly dating – not a first date here or there with no real effort or desire for a 2nd date with the same person.  I have learned a lot about myself – I have made half-hearted attempts at dating in the past, used my parents and my cancer as excuses.  It’s just been hard … letting go of what I thought defined me – grief, obligation, brokenness…

My wish is not to be fixed or even fix another broken soul.  My desire is to meet a person that was once broken and survived just like me so that they can fully understand my brokenness, my weariness, because they too have experienced such pain; they have had to battle demons and conquer despair.

So many people will never understand how much it hurts when you experience great loss.  So many fortunate people will never understand what it is to wake up with the scent of a person on your pillowcase knowing that it’s all a memory now.  We can paint the walls, we can rearrange the furniture, we can even move but that pain stays inside of us; that pain will forever have it’s place.  Some of us learn to live with it; some of us learn to hide it well.  Then there are some of us – lucky ones – who after many dark and lonely years learn that pain, beauty and love collide, coexist and we start to accept and transform that pain and allow it to bring out the beauty within us.  It’s taken me a very long time … but I know I have been lucky …

I have had great men in my life as well as great love and they have taught me how to love soneone as well as how to truly love myself in preparation for what I truly deserve.  I love myself enough and need to share myself in order for that to grow.

Many say you shouldn’t rely on another person to fill the empty spaces in your heart. They tell you, you are just as strong on your own. But the way I see it – some of those empty spaces are only shaped for another person to fill it.
Doesn’t matter how much I love myself, how confident I am. I can’t hold myself while I’m crying. I can’t roll over and hug myself to fall back to sleep. I can’t wash my own back. Life is about love and love is meant to be shared.

So I am ready … truly ready to rise in love, learn in love and accept love. FINALLY going to put myself first and start dating, going on 2nd and 3rd dates with someone worthy and not just go through the motions … with grace in my step, hope in my heart and a twinkle in my eye.


No more fear of rejection…

I’ve learned a long time ago that life is too short.  I’ve buried lovers, best friends, family members, my father and my brother.  I would rather honestly express myself and tell someone I love them and risk rejection; if I love you I’m going to tell you while we both have breath even if it makes you uncomfortable.  I don’t expect to hear it back I just want you to know because when I’m gone I don’t want any doubt to be there.  I would rather give it my all and fail than wallow in regret and uncertainty.  I want to be passionate about life again.  So, who cares if others think I’m a little crazy – I rather be a tad impulsive, free spirited.

Have you ever just met someone and wanted to grab and kiss them as deeply as you’d like but didn’t because of fear of rejection? Well I hope you went for it.  I let an opportunity pass me by this week – and I swore afterwards, I wouldn’t miss it again.  I’d rather be rejected.  I have to live – we all need to live – before we die …  so while there’s still air in our lungs – go for it … with grace in our step, hope in our heart and a twinkle in our eye.


Stuck in a Toxic Pattern

I put up a good front and I selfishly thought having my Mom back home from Florida would be good for me so I could leave my Step Dad with her and actually go out and live my life … but less than 24 hours of her being home – she has managed to depress my Step Dad and I.  She is overbearingly selfish and she thinks that she is the physically sick one and we all need to cater to her at her whim.  But both my Step father and I are physically sicker than her – she is just mentally and emotionally sick, unstable.  She drains us of the little energy we have.  The entire mood has shifted in this house in the past 24 hours.  I can’t wait to leave and start working again.  My mother dearest is pure toxicity.

I feel bad for my Step father but I need a life.  I need to start doing things for myself.  I have neglected myself for so long sometimes I don’t know where to start.

I wish I could be like my older sisters who have estranged themselves from our Mother.  They only come around for a couple of hours on holidays.  They don’t care.  They don’t worry about her or me; and definitely don’t care about our Step Father.

I have been aware that I need to somehow end this toxic relationship and put myself first.  I need time to find what will make me happy and pursue that – but I feel so unworthy, full of self doubt and guilty – just not sure how to move forward.

I keep praying …


Misty Blue …

It’s been a long Monday … feeling blue  … Misty blue …
Oh, it’s been such a long, long time
Looks like I’d get you off my mind
But I can’t
Just the thought of you (just the thought of you)
Turns my whole world misty blue (misty blue)
Oh honey, just the mention of your name (just your name)
Turns the flicker to a flame
Listen to me good, baby
I think of the things we used to do
And my whole world turns misty blue (misty blue)
Ooh baby, I should forget you
Heaven knows I tried (heaven knows I tried)
Baby, when I say that I’m glad we’re through
Deep in my heart I know I’ve lied
I’ve lied, I’ve lied (just the thought of you, misty blue)
Ooh honey, it’s been such a long, long time
Looks like I’d get you off my mind
But I can’t
Just the thought of you, my love (just the thought of you)
My whole world turns misty blue (misty blue)
Ooh, oh, I can’t, oh, I can’t
Oh, I can’t forget you
My whole world turns misty blue (misty blue)
Ooh, oh, my love
My whole world turns misty blue (misty blue)
Baby, baby, baby, baby
Baby, I can’t forget you
My whole world turns misty blue (misty blue)

Misty Blue


My Scars Tell A Story …

20170804_204354I was on the line this past week at the NYC Passport Agency … more than 2 hours in 90 degree August weather … Not fun!  Realized that sometimes life becomes less about living and more about waiting … So tired of waiting!

A complete stranger noticed my scar on my back, near my right shoulder blade.  They asked me what happened.  I was surprised because it’s been a part of me for 40+ years – I forget it’s there.  I had my first cancerous tumors at six months old.  Forty years ago, no one was thinking beyond me getting healthier and growing old – not worrying about scars and plastic surgery.  This stranger mentioned I should look into scar revision surgery.   I politely listened to them.  But in my head I am thinking please leave me alone.   My scars are mine and they tell my story.  Some days they bring me comfort and remind me how much I have gone through and of my strength.

The quote by Steve Maraboli – resonates:  My scars tell a story. They are a reminder of times when life tried to break me, but failed.

My life has been hard.  It still is – most days.  I deal with sadness, grief, pain, hurt, anger, loss … I struggle on a daily basis to get out of bed and just put one foot in front of the other, trying to find my purpose and my smile.  I struggle to find the tenuous line between what hurts me and what heals me.  I struggle in letting go of the past and keep moving forward.

So I need to see beauty in my scars.  So many of us have scars – some visible, many not.  Some are inside of us, some are on the outside prominently and permanently on display.

So I will show my scars … because I continue to fight and survive.  I won’t hide my scars.  They are my reminders that I am still alive.  They serve as proof that God is forever healing me.  And I will keep finding beauty in my life and sharing my story … with grace in my step and hope in my heart.


Who suffers most is I …

I cause displeasure to the one

I most desire to gratify,

And from displeasure that I give,

The one who suffers most is I … 

Such beautifully stirring words written many years ago by Juana Inés de la Cruz –   acclaimed in her time as the “Phoenix of Mexico”, America’s tenth muse; a generation later she was forgotten.

Sor Juana Inés de la  Cruz was a 17th century nun, self-taught scholar and acclaimed writer of the Latin American colonial period and the Hispanic Baroque. She was also a staunch advocate for women’s rights.

 


Reality: Possibility of Growing Old Alone

I am finally able to sit and think about my life the past couple of weeks.  I have had two funerals to attend.  That started a conversation with one of my friends about being an elder orphan – we are both single, no children – we are aging alone with no family available to address our future care-giving needs.

I never actually sat down and thought of this.  Now I have to start thinking and working on a plan for aging without a family for support.  I am most likely going to grow old alone.  So I need to prepare to age alone.  I am okay with this.   I am and have been a caregiver to many in my immediate family – my grandmother, my Dad, my Mom and even my Step Dad –  so I know what it entails.  I guess I have to start answering the question, “Who is going to do that for me?”  Not overwhelmingly daunting yet … just hitting home that I have to start making more conscious decisions going forward … with hope in my heart and grace in my step.


%d bloggers like this: