Love Myself More

Summer is almost here … so is June – the month I usually start dating and make every effort to be more active and social.  I let January pass by without even a thought to dating.  Anyone who knows me or has been following my blog knows I tend to date in ‘J ‘ months … no singularly one reason … just with new year’s resolutions to be more open and more social and summer months with warmer weather, I try to get out and about.  Just this past November, I wrote how I was going to put myself first and start dating!  Ha!!  I just managed to hibernate longer and further isolate myself this past winter.

I have noticed something about myself this year – I have allowed myself to gain even more weight and dress shabbier.  My hair is usually a mess or under a hat, sweats have become my uniform, my legs haven’t been shaved nor moisturized in months … I haven’t had a pedicure in a year and I have even ‘borrowed’ clothes from my 80-year-old Mom.  Apologies on sharing too much … but this my is safe place, my venting, no judgment zone.

I didn’t just let myself go, I gave up – without much thought.  I found myself walking to Church the other day actually hoping that no one would look at me, talk to me or even notice me.  I prayed for absolutely no contact. Just this morning walking to the train station I caught a glimpse of myself in a car window – I looked sullen and frumpy.  For a second, I did a double take – wondering who that person was.  Talk about out of body experiences.

Then it was like a light bulb went off … I purposely let myself go.  Depression isn’t the only thing at play here … I have let myself go because I didn’t want the attention to only be let down again.  Subconsciously, I put on weight because I didn’t want to look good and be sexually attractive.  I have been using weight as protection.  *sigh*

I lost my dog in February … so less walking.  Still taking steroids … dexamethasone, prednisolone, methylprednisolone… oh my!  I love to eat … especially sweets.  I don’t go to the gym.  I am 51.  Yikes!  I get it.

What the heck have I been doing?  Letting life happen instead of taking it by the horns and l i v i n g …

Need to formulate a plan and start creating the life AND body I want … sure maybe not the body I had in my 20s nor 30s but some semblance of healthy … middle ground for my middle age!

I need to learn how to put myself first, stop hiding behind excuses, make an effort, stop being afraid of receiving attention – positive attention; get healthier and yes start dating … again!  No more weight as a cloak for invisibility.  Find and then do things that make me unequivocally happy.  I need to change from the inside out in order for any dieting and changes to my level of activity to have the most profound effect.   Here’s to commitment … to myself.  I promise to love myself more …  the only real relationship I want this summer and every month that starts with the letter ‘J’ is with myself.  But flirting can be fun.  We will see.  *giggles*

Putting it out there in the universe, holding myself accountable … with grace in my step and hope in my heart.

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About Teresita

I am a writer, a thinker, an introvert, work behind the scenes kind of person - I am of Puerto Rican blood, have an Italian soul, and a Berliner mind....just learning...♥ View all posts by Teresita

One response to “Love Myself More

  • Tricia

    I love you for this!!!! I have been going through something very similar and am now slowly coming out of it. I need to hold myself accountable as well. It can be challenging when you don’t consider yourself as being the inspiring or motivating reason for making the change. I am cheering you on while I step outside myself to do the same for me.

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