It’s been a long time since I’ve actually written and rambled here on my blog and especially write about my dating woes. One reason was because I have not been dating and all the J months passed me by as did the summer. Now here it is November and I promised my friends I will start dating … and truly dating – not a first date here or there with no real effort or desire for a 2nd date with the same person. I have learned a lot about myself – I have made half-hearted attempts at dating in the past, used my parents and my cancer as excuses. It’s just been hard … letting go of what I thought defined me – grief, obligation, brokenness…
My wish is not to be fixed or even fix another broken soul. My desire is to meet a person that was once broken and survived just like me so that they can fully understand my brokenness, my weariness, because they too have experienced such pain; they have had to battle demons and conquer despair.
So many people will never understand how much it hurts when you experience great loss. So many fortunate people will never understand what it is to wake up with the scent of a person on your pillowcase knowing that it’s all a memory now. We can paint the walls, we can rearrange the furniture, we can even move but that pain stays inside of us; that pain will forever have it’s place. Some of us learn to live with it; some of us learn to hide it well. Then there are some of us – lucky ones – who after many dark and lonely years learn that pain, beauty and love collide, coexist and we start to accept and transform that pain and allow it to bring out the beauty within us. It’s taken me a very long time … but I know I have been lucky …
I have had great men in my life as well as great love and they have taught me how to love soneone as well as how to truly love myself in preparation for what I truly deserve. I love myself enough and need to share myself in order for that to grow.
Many say you shouldn’t rely on another person to fill the empty spaces in your heart. They tell you, you are just as strong on your own. But the way I see it – some of those empty spaces are only shaped for another person to fill it.
Doesn’t matter how much I love myself, how confident I am. I can’t hold myself while I’m crying. I can’t roll over and hug myself to fall back to sleep. I can’t wash my own back. Life is about love and love is meant to be shared.
So I am ready … truly ready to rise in love, learn in love and accept love. FINALLY going to put myself first and start dating, going on 2nd and 3rd dates with someone worthy and not just go through the motions … with grace in my step, hope in my heart and a twinkle in my eye.