Monthly Archives: April 2017

Reality: Possibility of Growing Old Alone

I am finally able to sit and think about my life the past couple of weeks.  I have had two funerals to attend.  That started a conversation with one of my friends about being an elder orphan – we are both single, no children – we are aging alone with no family available to address our future care-giving needs.

I never actually sat down and thought of this.  Now I have to start thinking and working on a plan for aging without a family for support.  I am most likely going to grow old alone.  So I need to prepare to age alone.  I am okay with this.   I am and have been a caregiver to many in my immediate family – my grandmother, my Dad, my Mom and even my Step Dad –  so I know what it entails.  I guess I have to start answering the question, “Who is going to do that for me?”  Not overwhelmingly daunting yet … just hitting home that I have to start making more conscious decisions going forward … with hope in my heart and grace in my step.

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Healing from abusive parents

Emotionally, today has been a very hard day.  I am the primary caregiver of my sick, aging mother and step father – today they were down right toxic and I could barely tolerate them.  They are so oblivious to my well being and so verbally and emotionally abusive.  I am drained.  Depressed.  Suffering from PTSD.  My anxiety is at an all-time high and now that I am upstairs away from them, I can’t stop crying.

I am working on maintaining peace and keeping my self esteem from hitting rock bottom.  For so many years, I have tried to have a relationship with them especially my mother, but it has been hard and disappointing.  So many times it was painful and upsetting – like today.

I get up early, I run errands for them.  I clean their apartment.  I pay the bills.  I try to be pleasant.  But they were both so critical and demeaning today.  I was too slow, too stupid, too lazy, too fat according to them.  We had torrential rains yesterday and had a leak from the second floor to the first and had to replace some of the drop ceiling tiles.  My step dad was insistent on going with me, caused a scene at the hardware store.  I found myself apologizing to all.  He continued to berate me in front of all these strangers calling me stupid, blind – I was trying so hard to remain calm, not cry.  It made me so sad and tired.  We finally made it back home.  Now I had to write to calm myself down.  Words flow out of me, help me focus on good not the bad.

I decided early in my teens to study psychology.  I really needed to understand how to survive in a highly dysfunctional family, with emotionally neglectful parents.  I know all too well what they weren’t able to give me, how they failed me.  I had tried to talk to them years ago but to no avail,  They were not willing to acknowledge nor understand.  So I kept some distance but the past seven years has me back home helping them full time.  It was a decision I made  with many doubts but I felt I had no choice.  They needed help.  I struggle daily on how to handle the pain that I feel every day when my  parents treat me as if I am invisible and I don’t matter.   

I am a compassionate, sensitive person  Always have been – even to my detriment.  I understand that my parents did not have the easiest nor best childhoods themselves.  I understand how they are selfish and self serving.  I am just trying to put some energy into my own healing.  I continue to forgive.  I know I can’t undo history.  I know that I matter and I am not pathetic, stupid nor weak.  Just breathing, trying to be patient, love my parents the best I can … with hope in heart and grace in my step.

 

 

 


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