I have just not been able to write as much as I would prefer lately. So many thoughts, words, complete sentences in my head … but having a hard time expressing myself without crying at times. Been so busy building walls so others can no longer hurt me, that I just can’t express myself in the only real way I know. Sinking into depression … I know I am but I am not sure what I can do differently, right now. I feel lost, alone, insecure, idle, forgotten, bored … Emotional flu … yes that is what I have, lately. Tired of feeling – especially sorry for myself. So it’s taken me awhile to write this post. Sometimes my hurt overwhelms me.
Anyone who really takes the time to know me, understand my life – they would know I have never had a good relationship with my mother and her daughters. My sister is having knee surgery and will be staying with my Mom, so whenever any one of my sisters visit, even for a few hours every few months, my mother tends to be even more cruel to me. For some reason, this past Friday we were talking about someone we knew and how they died with no family. My mother then proceeded to tell me that I should save money to make sure I can pay for my own burial since no one would help once I die and I shouldn’t think to burden anyone. Now I know deep in my heart that my family couldn’t care less if I lived or died. I have known this far too long. And sadly, yet obviously prudently, I already took measures for my burial many years ago after my first bout of cancer. I reassured my Mom very calmly that I already took care of things for when I die. Then I just went upstairs to my safe place, my own apartment, and just cried for hours. My mother will never know how much she has hurt me, how much her words hurt me. Just when I think she can’t hurt me anymore, I learn that it’s just never going to stop. My skin just isn’t thick enough sometimes. My heart breaks a little more each day when I am around her. I try so hard … try not to let her words bury me alive.
So many hours I find myself too weak, too sad to do much of anything which only makes me sadder. I try. I am in pure survival mode. Don’t need to be saved. I need to be found and appreciated for exactly who I am. I need others for my voice right now.
Quotes that speak to me, for me …
“Sensitive suffer more, but they love more and dream more.” – Augusto Cury
“A sensitive soul sees the world through the lens of love.” – Unknown
“Having a soft heart in a cruel world is courage, not weakness.” ― Katherine Henson
“You soak up others’ moods and desires like a sponge. You absorb sensation the way a paintbrush grasps each color it touches on a palette. The ethereal beauty of a dandelion, the shift of a season, the climax of a song, or a certain stirring scent can awaken such wonder they’ll become your very breath itself – moving through you as fuel does to fire and wind does to waves. ~ Victoria Erickson
I have to keep reminding myself to love myself first and foremost … I have been on my own longer than I have ever been with anyone, loner by nature, alone by choice.
I’m here – I’m a survivor – and you can, too! Everyone has to deal with their own situation, but my method is ‘distraction’. My pain, worry leads me to writing. Peace, acceptance, quiet, serenity, empowerment … keep loving myself. Keep striving to have a decent life. I have to remember who I am – that is how I will get through this life … with grace in my step and hope in my heart.