With the new year fast approaching, I have been thinking a lot about the past 12 months … the crushes I had, the dates I went on, the friendships I lost, the friendships I made. There is one friendship I will miss for a bit longer – one I don’t understand why it ended. This particular friend just started to ignore me one day and it continued even when I tried to ask her why – if I somehow offended her, was she going through something and just needed to be left alone. I never heard back. Ironically, she helped me realize my worth the past couple of years and not being a doormat to so many others. I will always be in her debt for the kindness she showed me when I felt unworthy. I recently unfriended her from social media. Having that link there had become a reminder of the failure between us, and of how painful the situation had become. And although part of me will always wonder where she is and how she is doing, removing that connection has helped me move on. I know I must have failed her in someway but I can’t beat myself up anymore. I don’t regret trying to find the cause of the breakdown of our friendship nor do I regret once considering her my close friend.
One of the things that bothered me most was the silence; not only my former friend’s silence towards me, but also the fact that I felt that I couldn’t speak of what had happened between us to anyone else. I felt stupid. Since we didn’t have the typical friendship of hanging out, going shopping, etc.; she was my confidant – always a call, text, note away. I will always be grateful for her wisdom, her understanding and being there when I truly needed her. I hope one day she reads this, and knows she will forever hold a special place in my heart.
Adult friendships are hard, especially friendships with other women. I won’t stop trying to bond with others. I know my worth. So with a little more heartbreak, I keep moving forward.
Learning not to obsesses about why someone has suddenly stopped talking to me, no longer wants to be my friend. Learning I can’t live my life based on what other people say, do, nor how they react.
Learning to accept that I may never find the real reason. I have learned the hard way, that not everyone is meant to be in our lives forever.
Learning to let go of everything I didn’t do right, the negative things people have said, the gossip people spread, the lies others believe.
So with this year ending, learning how to forgive many for choosing to communicate with silence, and moving onto other people who want to be in my life … with grace in my step, hope in my heart ….
“Should old acquaintance be forgot, and never brought to mind? Should old acquaintance be forgot, and auld lang syne?
For auld lang syne, my dear, for auld lang syne, we’ll take a cup of kindness yet, for auld lang syne. And surely you’ll buy your pint cup and surely I’ll buy mine! And we’ll take a cup o’ kindness yet, for auld lang syne…”
Good bye 2015!