Monthly Archives: April 2015

I am finally free …

Well I know I have months of healing emotionally but I had a major breakthrough this past holiday.  I feel like an orphan with no real immediate family but I have great friends who will never let me feel so alone and lost again.

I have had to draw boundaries with my family and its been hard, sad – you name it.  But I will no longer accept their attitude toward me, it has devalued me for years.  I used to go around thinking, “we have always had our differences but we have always worked them out in the past” but now I have accepted that, no, in the past I have always backed down and let them have their way.  I tried to stifle, bury my hurt.   No more.  Now I wear my pain as a badge of honor, courage.  I have been through the worst times of my life without my mother, sisters and their children by my side.   And I accept now that this was by their choice, not all by design or my doing.  I have tried.  My conscious is clear.  I am done reaching out.  I used to walk around thinking, will I ever be good enough.  Well I know I am the best.  I have a huge heart.  I am worthy.  Their loss if they never got to fully experience my goodness.

I have read many books, watched many movies, and met many women who have good relationships with their mothers, sisters. So many discuss the mother-daughter and sisterly bond. Each time I hear or see this, unexpected tears would stream down my cheeks. For I could not recall attachment, closeness, memories of this bond within my own life.

I have tried talking honestly with my family.  They refuse to understand my view, accept me, refuse to meet me half way.  And its finally okay.  I have no other choice but to accept and move forward …without them.  I am actually writing this right this minute and not crying.  Its a first for me.  Every time, I wrote about the lack of relationship with my immediate family, I would break down.  In the past, I have stayed away, traveled a lot, made sure I wasn’t around.  I used to cry when I realized how much of my nieces and nephew’s lives I missed out on but those tears will no longer reach my cheek.  My nieces and nephew are old enough now to forge a relationship with me, if they wanted one.  I guess they don’t.  They have expressed to me in the past how hurt they were about me not being around for a few years.  But really?  Did they ever think about me and my pain? I am sure they have not.

The past few years, I felt rejected, unloved, unwanted, forgotten.  My self esteem has been at an all-time low.  My health is poor and my body keeps failing me.  And even with all my physical, emotional and financial troubles, I tried to reach out to them.  I tried.  Not being worth it, had always been my deepest fear; I felt as though they have all proven to me, I was unworthy of their love, acceptance, inclusion by them not trying to work on our relationship.  But in reality, I see clearly now, their actions do not make a statement about me; they make a statement about them.

My trying to be worthy to them, was at the root of all my depressions and low self-esteem. I have decided to move on again.  I am not going to sacrifice myself, my time, my energies, my money, to them anymore.  I have learned that there are some people who are incapable of healthy, loving and mutually respectful relationships  I am slowly understanding, I am capable. I have great friends – so I know that I am a loving, respectful person. I have done my grieving.  I have shared with them all I had to give.  I have tried to follow the golden rule:  Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.  But I was always the one left more confused, hurt, exhausted, broke – you name it.  We all hear how we should be the bigger person, the example of love and forgiveness.  And I tried – I feel that I have succeeded.  Now.  I forgive them and myself.  I will continue to pray for them.  I will always be happy for their success; and sad for their loss.  I will just remain in the background, at a distance.  Where they have put me.  I am okay there.  Now.

I was not being an example of love to myself nor anyone when I allowed my family and even some friends walk all over me.  I see now, that I was sending the message that they were more important than me.  Every time, I dropped my plans to accommodate them or help them I was devaluing me.  I allowed them to think they were more deserving.  I was willing to accept the smallest kindness as a huge step forward.  Like a dog that always comes home to the master no matter how the master regards the dog.  No more.

So many people, even in my own family, believes that a barren, childless woman is selfish, or can’t understand certain things.  They regard motherhood as a sacred institution and most regard it as the highest gift.  If so, explain to me why or how so many mothers kill their children – physically, emotionally?  If there is no unconditional pure love, what is left?   For too many years, I felt a void, a lack of empathy and interest, and a lack of feeling loved. For many years, I did not understand and tried to rationalize it.  I tried to fix it.  I tried to be the good daughter, the good sister, the good aunt.

The more accepting I am learning to be, the happier I am.  The more I learn to just let go of expectation, the more I can let go, also, all my sadness.  I no longer have to try so hard for them to love me, accept me.  I love myself.  I accept me.  All this has allowed me to understand more and begin to find my quiet sense of being, my peace.  I have become more centered.  I am no longer invisible, especially to myself. Without understanding, we flail around, we make mistakes, feel deep unworthiness, and sabotage ourselves and our lives.  No more.  I am happy, at peace.  I love myself unconditionally.  I used to think my cancer, my accident, my family, my work all defined me.  Now I am free from that.  I define me.  And I choose happiness … with hope in my heart, grace in my step.  It’s been quite a journey…and I am looking forward to more self awareness.

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