Talk about being socially inept! I am not sure how I ended up as a mid 40s, intelligent woman still harboring an unrequited crush. As I write, I somehow hope that my embarrassment, stupidity doesn’t manifest itself in other ways. I stalk his Facebook page, I “like” his photos or comments way too quickly. It is becoming so sadly obvious. I know I need to un-friend him – but we have so many long-time friends in common. We end up in a lot of the same places. You think I would know how to get over a guy I had a crush on but never went out with more than once, and just find someone more suitable, more available, more willing. But sadly, I don’t date much and my cues are all mixed up. I think way too much, replay things, analyze too much, leading to obsessing over the slightest attention or sign from them. Ugh. I am so not liking myself right now. I detest that whole – could have, should have, if only rationalizing ordeal. For the last few days, I have taken each inch of interest from him as a never ending mile.
I was so proud of myself for the past month for finally taking that leap of faith, flirting, believing that their interest matched my level. But I am finally accepting the fact the its all been one-sided, and I logically accept that I was more in love with the idea of a having someone special in my life than really paying attention to his true motives, actions, intentions. I see clearly now that he liked the fact that I was into him. And in his knowing how I felt, I feel slightly used. He did string me along so that he can feel loved without doing any of the work himself. I know I don’t deserve this.
So after talking incessantly over him with a friend, I will start flirting with someone else, stop stalking their FB, atop playing that game of ‘what if’ and just keep moving it forward and hopefully, just hopefully my heart and thoughts will find another crush that may just manifest itself into something real. A girl can dream.