Monthly Archives: November 2014

The Week Weak Girl I Am

I am honestly beginning to believe chemo has made me stupid. I have definitely lost brain cells but I know its my lack of clarity, especially when it comes to the men I have been meeting, dating – and that lack of clarity comes more from my level of insecurity, my insecurity stemming from why would someone date a sick girl. I just realized that these guys have only asked me out on dates during the week – NEVER on the weekends. Yes! They must have a more special lady friend they want to wine and dine on the weekends. I have been beyond stupid, blind, just out of my realm. I think I was so happy just to be noticed that I lost sight of reality. I realize now that I was not considered good enough to be seen on the weekend. I am crushed all over again. Its just when I try to get to a good place, I allow someone or something to take me back down. I am trying so hard not to be that girl – the one who cries on the weekends over a guy. Hating them serves no purpose. So I pull inward. I know I should not. I need to let this go. I resolve to no longer be that week weak girl.

On my slow journey of moving forward…with hope in my heart, grace in my step…

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3 am confessional

*sigh*  3am weekend ramblings, trying not to be so jaded.  So after finally deciding to stop obsessing over an un-requited crush, I jumped into a whirlwind week of fun, laughs, good food, dancing with a younger, sexy playboy … not the best idea I have ever had.  I was so desperate to pretend I am ok, looking to smile, just forget, I jumped yet failed to prepare for the landing.  I truly don’t trust myself these days.  I am making emotional choices. I am not in a good place right now.  Smiles may lie, but eyes seldom do.

I will just keep moving on, smiling, pretending …with grace in my step, hope in my heart, tears in my eyes but wide open.  Knowing deep down inside, I am worth more.  I deserve more.  This isn’t how my story ends …


Crushed…

Talk about being socially inept! I am not sure how I ended up as a mid 40s, intelligent woman still harboring an unrequited crush. As I write, I somehow hope that my embarrassment, stupidity doesn’t manifest itself in other ways. I stalk his Facebook page, I “like” his photos or comments way too quickly. It is becoming so sadly obvious. I know I need to un-friend him – but we have so many long-time friends in common. We end up in a lot of the same places. You think I would know how to get over a guy I had a crush on but never went out with more than once, and just find someone more suitable, more available, more willing. But sadly, I don’t date much and my cues are all mixed up. I think way too much, replay things, analyze too much, leading to obsessing over the slightest attention or sign from them. Ugh. I am so not liking myself right now. I detest that whole – could have, should have, if only rationalizing ordeal. For the last few days, I have taken each inch of interest from him as a never ending mile.

I was so proud of myself for the past month for finally taking that leap of faith, flirting, believing that their interest matched my level. But I am finally accepting the fact the its all been one-sided, and I logically accept that I was more in love with the idea of a having someone special in my life than really paying attention to his true motives, actions, intentions. I see clearly now that he liked the fact that I was into him. And in his knowing how I felt, I feel slightly used. He did string me along so that he can feel loved without doing any of the work himself. I know I don’t deserve this.

So after talking incessantly over him with a friend, I will start flirting with someone else, stop stalking their FB, atop playing that game of ‘what if’ and just keep moving it forward and hopefully, just hopefully my heart and thoughts will find another crush that may just manifest itself into something real. A girl can dream.


Every second, everything changes…

They say cats have nine lives…well, I am beginning to believe so do I. I know I have had many health scares. And it has changed me in a way I am still fully learning to understand and accept. But today, once again, I got some positive news from my doctors. For months, I feel like I have given up. I just don’t have the best support system. Easy to give up – when you feel so alone. Picking out headstones, finalizing my living will, giving away my clothes, furniture. But today, doc told me the cancer stopped spreading. And although I am far from out of the woods, I may, just may, once again outlive my prognosis. I sit here, outside in NYC at Central Park crying as I try to write this. I don’t think many can understand how I feel. I almost completely gave up. I know I did. But I am over the moon happy that this stupid smiling depression of mine didn’t get the best of me. I was born a preemie and I will always be a fighter. I know this deep down inside. I just lost sight of it for awhile. I was barely hanging on. But I am finding the strength somehow to keep moving forward. Living with a death sentence hovering is, was, will be – my own prison. Few things in life, can forever change a person. Getting a diagnosis of cancer just puts things in perspective but then pain can make us lose that just as easily. Focus shifts. Goals change. Desires lost. Seconds turn into years. Cramming a lifetime into days. I have been doing this all my adult life. Pushing people away. Begging them to stay. Cursing. Praying. Hoping. Letting go. Learning. Crying. Screaming. Accepting.

Many don’t understand that tomorrow is not a given. I lost my way for a bit, as I always do. But I remain hopeful that tomorrow will come. …that many tomorrows are still here for me. I feel like I am cheating death. And maybe I am just living life…to the fullest. Not looking backwards. Time. Timing. Timeless. Who knew the aggressive cancer would respond so much better than expected to my last course of treatment? I didn’t. I would have bet all I had – oh wait, I did. I am still in shock I think, as I write. Not sure why, I have been here before. This should be home for me. Being sick has been my stability. Sounds crazy but that has been my label for too many years. Immune system shot. I get sick at the mere mention of a cold. But today’s news, and the way I have been feeling the last couple of weeks, has me happier than I dare to believe. Do I dare hope? One minute I am fighting to literally breathe, the next I just give up, resign myself to dying, and now I can’t stop smiling. Life. This is my life…the pain, loss of strength, nausea, weight fluctuations, exhaustion, and shortness of breath are beginning to gradually fade. I know my body is healing…I can go up and down the stairs without gasping, less pressure from the tumors in my chest, weight stable, can enjoy food again, more positive outlook is evolving. Weeks have turned into months, and I pray against all that my next scan will show that the cancer is in remission. A girl can dream. Yes. Now I just have to figure out my life. For months, my life meant dying. I have been preparing for death. I am ruined financially. I am fragile. I am happy but shocked. I don’t know what to do now. I wasn’t expecting to be brought back from the edge of death. Learning how to live. *sigh* That is always my dilemma. Do I allow myself the luxury?

So I will never stop thinking or asking my doctors, “Am I dying?” I’m just not quite sure where I am and what I should be doing. I understand that the cancer will at some point take my life but not today. Sometimes doctors don’t have all the answers. Only God does. And He spared me once again. I guess my job here on earth is not completed. And for that I am grateful. A huge part of me apprehensive. So I am going to go out there and continue to live my life. Trying. It’s almost like I have been living in reverse somehow.

On a logical level, we all know life is short. We say this all of the time. But few of us actually live accordingly.

“We are all dying, every moment that passes of every day. That is the inescapable truth of this existence. It is a truth that can paralyze us with fear, or one that can energize us with impatience, with the desire to explore and experience, with the hope- nay, the iron-will!- to find a memory in every action. To be alive, under sunshine, or starlight, in weather fair or stormy. To dance with every step, be they through gardens of flowers or through deep snows.” ― R.A. Salvatore

Truer words have not been expressed … LIVE your life TODAY! Don’t ignore death, but don’t be afraid of it either. Be afraid of a life you never lived because you were too afraid to take action. Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside you while you’re still alive. Be bold. Be courageous. Be scared to death, and then take the next step anyway.

I remain forever hopeful, crying through my tears with grace in my step …make that dance steps.

Today…everything changed.


The Year of Betrayal

This year has brought to light many betrayals. My body has betrayed me. Some girlfriends double crossed me. Another friend disclosed some information in the hopes of exposing some little known facts about me. Some friends I want to believe unintentionally revealed little things. But the biggest betrayal was from a person I considered a best friend, the one who knew all my secrets, fears. I have never felt so disillusioned and vulnerable. Mind you, I have family members who are mentally ill and re-write history all of the time. So I am used to betrayal but not to this magnitude, not from the one person I considered sane, in control.

I go to Mass and want to light a candle for all that are lost. But then I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror – and I am the one that is lost. “It is not an enemy who taunts me – I could bear that. It is not my foes who so arrogantly insult me – I could have hidden from them. Instead, it is you – my equal, my companion and close friend. What good fellowship we once enjoyed as we walked together to the house of God.” – Psalm 55:12-15

Of all experiences in life, betrayal by a trusted friend is one of the most difficult to understand, accept, move on from. I find it difficult to breathe some times. My self-esteem was already at a low from my accident, losing my job, dealing with a new cancer, feeling dependent. Betrayals from friends only further produced feelings of worthlessness for having trusted an untrustworthy person. I feel like anger and depression are my only recourse. It raises questions about my judgment. Because of the intimate friend’s knowledge of my situation, such betrayal has great potential for further damage. And I am just not equipped right now, in this singular frame of mind to effectively deal with all of it.

I just quietly pray. Help me, Lord God, to let go of the hurts that have come my way. Amen.

Igniting my own true light out of this darkness.


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