Monthly Archives: May 2014

Bloodstone – Natural High

Why do I keep my mind on you all the time
And I don’t even know you

Why do I feel this way
Thinking about you every day
And I don’t even know you

Take me in your arms
Thrill me with all of your charms

And I’ll take to the sky on a natural high
(I want to take to the sky)
Loving you more ’till the day I die
(On the natural high)
Take to the sky on a natural high
(I want you to be mine)
Loving you more.

If you have anything to do
Call me and I will do it for you
And I don’t even know you

If I only had one wish to give
That wish would be for you to live forever and ever.
When I see you on the street
My heart skips a beat

And I’ll take to the sky on a natural high
(I’ll just take to the sky)
Loving you more till the day I die
(On a natural high)
Take to the sky on a natural high
(Loving you more and I don’t know you)
Loving you more

I’m gonna try to do
All the things you want me to
If you’ll just give me a chance
I’m trying to make something out of a nothing romance
And I don’t even know you

Take me in your arms
Thrill me with all of your charms

And I’ll take to the sky on a natural high
Loving you more ’till the day I die
(To the sky)

I’ll take to the sky on a natural high
Loving you more

And I’ll take to the sky on a natural high
Loving you more ’till the day I die

I’ll take to the sky on a natural high
Loving loving you

I’ll take to the sky on a natural high
Loving you more ’till the day I die

I’ll take to the sky on a natural high
Loving loving you

La la la la la la…


A Mother’s Loss

This past Mother’s Day was hard as it always is for me; but this year it was sadder since my Aunt just buried her son and a childhood friend had to bury her son as well. I was hoping to get a ‘Happy Mother’s Day’ from my only Goddaughter – but I didn’t. I get it…I am not a mother, I am childless, barren. I have always quietly stood by and understood that no one in my immediate family sees me as a mother – ever. My own mother many years ago, said to me that “real women have children”. The pain I still carry from that one thoughtless, careless, insensitive remark – still hurts but also makes me strong and forgiving. I learned I could not have children when I was 26 years old going on 27 due to my first bout with cancer – the year I lost my brother, the year I impulsively got married and annulled same marriage, the year I learned that I would forever be seen as selfish to my Mother who could never understand me nor my life. I used to go to Mass with my Mother often, but I stopped going with her on Mother’s day. The priest would ask all the mothers to stand. On my immediate right, my mother would stand and on my immediate left, someone’s mother would stand. I would just sit there. I don’t know how others saw me, but I felt dehumanized, gutted as a woman. Yes, my mother’s remark rang true – Real women stood, empty shells sat. I do not normally feel this way. I did not like feeling this way. I will never allow myself to feel this way again. I believe we can honor mothers without alienating others, including myself. I believe there is a mother in all of us – we are nurturing and mothering in many ways to many people and pets. There are mothers who carry their love for their unborn children in their hearts as I do each and every day. I am a proud Mommy of 4-legged baby with paws. My dogs will always be my heart as well.

For the one who has lost a mother…
For the one who has lost a child…
For the one who longs to be a mom…
Always in my prayers. ♥

When I first heard the movie title “Return to Zero” I thought this was a movie about the terrorists attacks on 9/11 – which haunts me forever and I was not going to watch. When I realized that it was a movie based on the book “Three Minus One” – I knew I had to watch.

“Return to Zero” is about a couple torn apart by the stillbirth of their first child and get a second chance at parenthood; Minnie Driver and Paul Adelstein star. It’s a Lifetime movie. Get the tissues ready! There is a song that Minnie Driver sings, she co-wrote with Paul Adelstein and he’s playing the piano on it. I mist find and buy it on iTunes. It’s hauntingly true…

I resonate with so many things said and felt in this movie…loss, hurt … “it’s not just the loss of the baby, but it’s the loss of a possibility of what might have been”…

“I lost a part of myself that day, and I will never get it back…there is life after this, I promise you that.”

“Because of what you have been through…you will forever be available to a child, appreciate that child better than most parents ever can and that truly is a gift.”

“I am thankful that today I can see life for what it really is, to know that just beneath the surface, just under the radar is death. Every day we wake up and we run from it as fast as we can, and its coming – maybe not today, maybe not next week…when it does, all this – doesn’t matter…so today, I am not grateful for life, I am giving thanks to death…”

For all the female doctors, teachers, nurses, maids, cooks, referees, providers, defenders, protectors, nurturers, aunts, sisters…a happy forever mother’s day!


Amazing

I had to look inside this fragile heart of mine,
To find exactly what it was you saw,
I had to put myself back in the firing line,
To take the shot that knocked me to the floor.

I was down, losing faith,
Oh I was lost in the crowd,
You brought me ’round.

How did you find me?
You came out of nowhere like lightning,
It’s kind of amazing how you found me,
Through all the noise somehow.

I was pulling empty pails out of the wishing well,
Only holy water breaks the spell,
I had to pinch myself, ’cause I knew all too well,
The stairway to heaven always starts in hell.

I was down,
But somehow an angel heard my sound,
And brought me ’round.

How did you find me?
You came out of nowhere like lightning,
It’s kind of amazing how you found me,
Through all the noise somehow.
Oh, and how did you see me?
Broke through the darkness,
And you reached me,
It’s kind of amazing how you found me,
Through all the strangers somehow.

Faith and little patience for this heart of mine,
Though I would stay here waiting for the end of time.

How did you find me?
You came out of nowhere like lightening,
It’s kind of amazing how you found me,
Through all the noise somehow.
Oh, how did you see me?
Broke through the darkness,
And you reached me,
It’s kind of amazing how you found me,
Through all the strangers somehow,
Through all the strangers somehow, oh, somehow.


Starlight

Hearts are racing at the speed of light,
Eyes are opening and rolling right,
Sinking feeling it’s almost like,
It wouldn’t matter if we died tonight.

We are beautiful, breakable,
We’re gonna lose it all to the light.

Cause in time,
We all burn as one,
In the sun,
In the sky,
Like a shooting star,
It’s just who we are.

Pushing, pushing, pulling, moving on,
A sense of freedom we’ve been hanging on,
I’ve cut the chord and now it won’t be long,
Before we find out where it’s coming from.

We are beautiful, breakable,
We’re gonna lose it all to the light.

Cause in time,
We all burn as one,
In the sun,
In the sky,
Like a shooting star,
It’s just who we are.

Are you with me?

We are beautiful, breakable,
We’re gonna lose it all to the light.

Cause in time,
We all burn as one,
In the sun,
In the sky,
Like a shooting star,
It’s just who we are.


Why Not Me

Suddenly, it came to me surrendering could set me free
Oh, what a comedy
Just when I’d scratched true love from my list
Given up hope such a thing could exist
Then you came along
So it was you all along

You who made me figure out what all those songs are all about
If love could save this whole damn world, then why not me?

Love again,
Like a forgotten friend came round the bend
I’m in love again
I think it’s love

I’ve come to grips with my loneliness
Contented myself with a meaningless kiss
When you came along
So it was you all along

You who made me figure out what all those songs are all about
If love could save this whole damn world,
This beautiful, this mixed up world
Then why not me?


Great White Horse

When I was a young girl I used to dream of a lover
To be my shining knight of strength one day
He’d cary me to a castle in the heavens and battle all my dragons on the way
And he’d ride down on a great white horse he’d bring me love I was longing for
He’d bring me joy and lasting peace on a great white horse he’d ride away with me
Singing dum-di-de-dum-dum-dum-di-de-dum)

When I was a young man I used to dream of a maiden
With long soft hair flowing in the wind
Her laughing eyes and loving arms would follow
When I’d sail around the world and back again
And I’d ride down on a great white horse I’d bring the love she was longing for
I’d bring her laughter and sunny days
And on a great white horse I’d carry her away
Singing dum-di-de-dum-dum-dum-di-de-dum

(The time has flown I find there are no dragons) and I don’t wanna sail the seven seas
(Anywhere we are becomes our castle) and the only world I want is here with me
And we both ride on a great white horse we found the love we were longing for
(You’re my sunshine on a rainy day) you’re my April you’re my May
Singing dum-di-de-dum-dum-dum-di-de-dum
Singing dum-di-de-dum-dum-dum-di-de-dum
Singing dum-di-de-dum-dum-dum-di-de-dum

♥♥♥


Two Against One

Make no mistake I don’t do anything for free
I keep my enemies closer than my mirror ever gets to me
And if you think that there is shelter in this attitude
wait till you feel the warmth of my gratitude

One,
I get the feeling that it’s two against
One,
I’m already fighting me so what’s another one?
The mirror is a trigger and your mouth’s a
Gun,
Lucky for me I’m not the only one

And if it looks to me like you and your reflection
plan to add your own fire to this dimension.
then tell it that this is ain’t no free for all to see
there’s only three… Its just you and me against me

One,
I get the feeling that it’s two against
One,
I’m already fighting me so what’s another one?
The mirror is a trigger and your mouth’s a
Gun,
Lucky for me I’m not the only one
Lucky for me I’m not the only one

And if your foot soldiers, sycophants, and yes men
plan to break into the middle of this little plan
Then they should plan to hear me say,
that I won’t play around the way, anyway,
I plan to plan around them

One,
I get the feeling that it’s two against
One,
I’m already fighting me so what’s another one?
The mirror is a trigger and your mouth’s a
Gun,
Lucky for me I’m not the only one
Lucky for me I’m not the only one


Ani DiFranco – Both Hands

I am walking
Out in the rain
And I am listening to the low moan
Of the dial tone again
And I am getting
Nowhere with you
And I can’t let it go
And I can’t get through

And the old woman
Behind the pink curtains
And the closed door
On the first floor
She is listening to the air shaft
To see how long our swan song will last

And both hands
Now use both hands
Oh no, don’t close your eyes
I am writing
Graffiti all over your body
I am drawing the story of
How hard we tried
How hard we tried

And I am watching your chest
Rise and fall
Like the tides of my life
And the rest of it all
And your bones have been my bed frame
And your flesh has been my pillow
And I’ve been waiting for sleep
To offer up the deep
With both hands
Oh, with both hands…

And in each other’s shadow
We’ve grown less and less tall
And eventually our theories
Didn’t explain it all
And now I’m writing our history
Up on the bedroom wall
And when we leave the landlord will come
And paint over it all

And I’m walking
Out in the rain
And I am listening to the low moan
Of the dial tone again
And I am getting
Nowhere with you
And I can’t let it go
And I can’t get through

And both hands
Yes use both hands
Oh no don’t close your eyes
I am writing
Graffiti on your body
I am drawing the story of
How hard we tried
How hard we tried
How hard we tried…


Friendships…

Been sickly lately, tired of running from pulmonary rehab to occupational therapy and still trying to maintain a sense of normalcy…but through all of my ups and downs especially since my car accident last year and cancer scares, I truly am learning more about the people I have allowed into my life. I believe we all have friends at different levels, various stages of our lives, for different reasons. And I think with the use of so many different social media avenues, we have allowed varying degrees of friends into our lives. These days the meaning of ‘friend’ has changed so much. With sites like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram – we call people friends who we chatted to once online and sent a friend request to. These people are our every day, surface friends. We may share a laugh, comment on a funny post, like photos, etc. We have friends who are acquaintances, former or current co-workers, neighbors – those you may see on a regular basis. Some of these friends we may have briefly connected because of work, school, community or travel. Friends from a wine club, photography club, book club, running club, etc., may fit nicely into this surface level of friendship.

We have like-minded friends, those are like lifestyle friends and enjoy many of the same things. More social common interests bind these type of friendships. You can go out, talk for hours and still enjoy their company. Most of these type of friends are there in the good times. These two levels of friendships include people you know well enough to talk with should you meet up somewhere unexpected or offer you a ride as long as it isn’t out of their way. Share a meal with, let you borrow their tools, drive you to the airport if you asked, as long as it’s a reasonable hour. They will judge you. I have learned not to expect too much from these friends. All are needed in the days of our lives. I have been hurt, burned by many people who I thought were more than just a mere friend. So I have had to learn to shift my perspective and change my expectation of them. Some of those friends that in the past, I thought would come to my aid but didn’t are now my feel-good, lifestyle friends. We are friends with each other because of proximity, our lifestyles and really enjoy each other’s company. I realize that these friends of are actually a ton of fun. And they will most likely be the first ones who will invite me to visit, go on vacation, and get together for dinner, etc., when I recover from the life crisis I am currently experiencing.

Then there are those true blue friends…you know those friends who don’t judge you, are there for you in good times and bad. They know your weaknesses and strengths, yet still accept you for who you are. They can be honest with you (and you them) even when it is something you don’t want to hear without it destroying the friendship. They are willing to tell you the truth, and not just what they think you want to hear. Your friendship may have been through rough times, but it has not been destroyed. Instead it may have become stronger. A true friend does not abandon you when you need them. While a basic friend may only be around you when it is convenient for them, a true friend will go out of their way to help you and stand by you when others don’t. Your friendship is more than surface level, its skin deep. These friends are the ones you may not see them for years, but time doesn’t change the relationship, the love you have for one another. You pick up exactly where you dropped off. They are like part of your family and sometimes even closer than your own blood family. They are a part of you. A best friend, or true friend is someone who knows your faults and loves you anyway. A true friend is unique, if you have one count yourself lucky – after years of going to school, working on careers, having kids, growing your family, divorce, sickness, or one of life’s other issues – you call them up and ask for a huge favor and they drop whatever they are doing no matter the hour to help. Both of you pick up where you left off as if only a single day has past. They are the people that at your funeral cry because you are gone, at your birthday parties they are the ones that stay after everyone else is gone to clean up because it’s your birthday and you shouldn’t have to clean up, they are the ones that know when you are having a tough go of things to just stop by with a meal or a drink or just a smile to see that you are okay. It would never occur to them to judge anything you do.

You don’t really know a person is a true friend until the relationship has been tested. You may think they are a true friend, but you only know for sure when you go through a rough patch and they are still there for you. If you are lucky you have at least one…I have learned I have more than one. I am a lucky lady indeed. You may never know who your true friends are until life throws you an unwelcome curve ball or two…or three. When this happens and the friends or family you thought would help carry you through don’t, you go through stages of grief. It’s devastating. As time passes, you can either be resentful, bitter and heartbroken, or you can be so incredibly thankful that you’ve learned a valuable life lesson. I am learning to be more grateful and forgiving. The people who do step forward to be by your side are your true friends. You’re blessed to find out who these people are, so love them up. Some people will never have this luxury; they’ll spend their entire lives surrounded by people who aren’t their true friends.

Three simple levels I tend to believe when it comes to being friends and sharing news:

1. A friend, acquaintance is someone who you tell about it weeks later.
2. A lifestyle, close friend calls to talk and finds out about it.
3. A true friend doesn’t need to be told because they are already in the kitchen making soup because they were there when you started getting sick.

Once I was able to make a full emotional and logical shift in the way I viewed my friendships, I experienced appreciation for all my friends! I now feel absolute caring, love and joy for all of them. There’s no hidden resentment or underlying sadness. I feel blessed that I have learned this life lesson.

My truest bluest friends will always come first in my heart and life. I also love my lifestyle friends, because as I heal, I love having a wider circle of friends who will go to wineries, bars, games, have dinner, or go for a walk.

You can eat and drink together, talk and laugh together, enjoy life together, but you are only real friends when you have also cried together. Love to all. ♥


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