Monthly Archives: December 2013

Tattered…

When you have a big heart ♥ –

You help too much
You trust too much
You give too much
and it always seems to hurt you the most, but just because you’ve been hurt today, doesn’t mean you should close off and live in fear of being hurt tomorrow.

Tattered but not torn…


Black – This Is Life

If your lonely heart is aching,
think you can’t take any more,
you have to cup your hands to keep the light.
I will lean across your shoulder
and whisper in your ear
that this is life.
If you’re old enough to face it,
you are old enough to fake it,
to get what you desire and still ask why.
Then I’ll tap you on the shoulder
and whisper in your ear
that this is life.
This is what you struggled for,
no reprisals, no resistance,
this is life.
Can you answer me a question-
Have you lain awake at night,
the blinds undrawn, the ceiling streaked with light?
You feel tired but you can’t sleep,
feel so hungry you can’t eat-
Well, this is life.
Has your courage seemed to fail you
as you take your chosen path?
You pass a camel through a needle’s eye.
Get up in tiny little pieces
and you’ve learnt the major rule:
that this is life.
This is what you waited for,
no rehearsals, no more stalling,
this is life.
Have it tattooed on the inside
of your pink and sleepy eyelids;
This is life.
This is life.
(solo)
Absence makes the heart grow fonder,
grow more foolish than we can ever guess.
You feel your nerve ends slowly coiling
and you hope the answer’s “no”, the answer’s “yes”.
This is what you struggled for,
no reprisals, no resistance,
this is life.
This is what you waited for,
no rehearsals, no more stalling,
this is life.
If you can’t do what you ought,
lead by example, don’t get caught,
’cause this is life.
Uh, this is life.
This is life.
This is life.
This is life.
This is life.


Ron Sexsmith – Tomorrow In Her Eyes

I don’t know whether to be comforted or to cry whenever I hear this…♥

I see tomorrow in her eyes
And where my future lies
So I don’t need a crystal ball
At all because I’ve seen tomorrow
In her eyes

Whenever life tears us away
I’ll hold on to the words we say
And if I have to wait awhile
Then I’ll be dreaming of tomorrow
And her smile

Someday soon love
Someday soon love
There’ll be time for you and I love

And time shall hold no sad surprise
More hellos than goodbyes
So I don’t need my fortune told
I know because I’ve seen tomorrow
In her eyes

No, I don’t need a crystal ball
At all because I’ve seen tomorrow
In her eyes

I’ve seen tomorrow in her eyes


Living alone…and loving it….

Living alone always sounds so good, doesn’t it? You’d have complete control over the remote control. You could always finish the last of the cereal without feeling guilty about it. You could walk around naked every morning. The possibilities are endless. When you live with someone, their very presence sets some kind of limitations on our behavior. I have to admit, living alone might be liberating but it can also make us behave like an insane person. Lol But I don’t care…I am embracing my quirkiness.

Does anyone remember that “Sex and the City” episode where Carrie explains to her friends the concept of secret single behavior — those little things we do when we’re all alone that we’d never do around someone else? Yes, the single-occupant home can be a breeding ground for mild eccentricities. Think of Claire Danes’s C.I.A. employee in “Homeland,” who turns her Georgetown one-bedroom into a control bunker for an ad hoc spying operation. Or Kramer on “Seinfeld,” washing vegetables in the shower.

When I find myself bored, and feeling like a fat couch potato, I tend to start running in place during TV commercials. I sometimes start talking in conversational Spanish to myself. I leave my bras on the door knobs. I also tend to wear men’s pajama bottoms. My refrigerator basically consists of Pepsi, cheese, ice cream. I subsist largely on tuna, crackers, microwavable popcorn and M&Ms…sometimes on cereal. I can go weeks and not actually have a full meal when I am home. I don’t adhere to regular meals nor conventional meal times. I sometimes find myself going to the kitchen 6 times a day and find little items to munch on, grazing on nuts, chips.

To me, there are so many benefits of living alone including the freedom to come and go as we please; the space and solitude to recharge in a plugged-in world; kingly or queenly domain over the bed; control over the TV remote. Being solo, I am also free to indulge in my somewhat odd behavior and habits…that “secret single behavior” I tend to get up periodically in the middle of the night, and munch on a few plain M&Ms; sometimes I stand naked in the kitchen at 2 a.m., eating peanut butter from the jar and gulping Pepsi from the bottle; I love eating cold pizza in the middle of the night / early morning. I can go days, weeks and let my whole apartment fall apart on me; work 24/7 or just be lazy and no one cares, no one complains! I sometimes practice what I want to say or write out loud, and my little dog, looks at me like he’s actually listening. I wouldn’t discuss what I’m writing with my dog if someone were around.

It’s a difficult thing to adjust when I have company over or when I go to someone else’s house. So I seldom do. I feel so overwhelmed and anxiety sometimes makes me turn down invitations and stay home…alone. Crazy, persistent thoughts wander in my head… “I’ve got to share this room with other people? We have to organize showers? I have to actually comb my hair?”

I have basically been living on my own since I was 17 and loving it. I seldom feel lonely nor fearful….what does get to me at times, is paying all the bills by myself. Sometimes, I imagine how nice it would be to split the Internet or electricity bill.

Living alone affords me a true chance to recharge. I look around me, and I understand we predominantly live in a society built around extroverts, who get their energy from being around other people. But I have always been an introvert – and I need to build my energy and strength by being alone.

I think I am more surprised when some people don’t consider me an introvert. They think I am outgoing and enjoy being around people. But in reality, I really prefer to spend time with my dog. I would love to find just one special person but I will always need time to myself at the end of the day to regroup. Living alone allows me to build my energy back up so that I can go and spend it with others. Even for work.

Living alone isn’t the same thing as living lonely. I enjoy my own company — so much so that sometimes I fib that I have plans on a Saturday night so I can stay home for a date with my DVR and a glass of red wine and box of chocolates. But when I am feeling a need for connection, I reach out for it. For me that can be as simple as walking downstairs, go to the bakery, get my hair or nails done. It can also mean meeting up with a friend — one who lives alone or not — for a quick catch up.

I need and love my own time for self-discovery. In my experience, so many people are afraid of being totally alone. But I’ve learned to really enjoy my own company. When I first started living alone, I had this weird discovery that I could go a whole day without using my voice — sometimes I’d hit the grocery store and buy something I didn’t need just to test that I could say “thank you” to the cashier. But then I discovered something far easier — I started talking to myself. Yes, and talking to my dog has taken on a whole new meaning.

All people have private selves – different at-home selves that are different – in big and small ways – from the self they present to the world, to work colleagues, etc. I do believe though that people who live alone spend a good deal more time exploring them and enjoying their private self.

Love…A sense of independence, self reliance, decreased stress and responsibility. Call me selfish, there’s something so liberating about knowing that at the end of the day I can come home and not have to worry about the needs of anyone else. No one will have left a dirty dish out (well, except maybe me) or the cap off the toothpaste, or the toilet seat up.

I do think people who prefer to live alone, must have good management skills. At times, exercise extreme self-control. Otherwise, I would be a fat, out-of-work alcoholic.

What sometimes worries me is that I am too set in my ways. Concerned that my quirky habits won’t be accepted by others. That I may never feel comfortable living with someone. It would be too difficult. I don’t think I can take the quirks back….nor do I want to. The longer I live alone, the less flexible I become. I am a light sleeper and I can see sleeping with someone on a daily basis could prove to be an issue. I think if I were to ever fall in love again, and want to try living with that person, would need to find a home with double master bedrooms and bathrooms….and don’t even get me started on closet space! When and if I decide to share my living quarters, I would definitely need to be with someone who has lived alone, also. So we can commiserate and help each other re-socialize and un-quirk. 🙂


Angel soaring….

Wow. Interestingly someone said to me, “You are an angel who forgot how to fly”. At first, I heard the word angel and thought oh how sweet; but then I actually listened to the rest of what they said and realized that he was telling me that I was scared and held myself back. Just like in Justin Bieber’s song “Fall” I guess I have been like an angel here on earth, living under the radar; not flying nor spreading my wings fully. I have been working on that and wish people would not judge and just let us grow, change at our own pace.

We have all met people whose light dulls at times. Or those popular kids from high school who we all thought would amount to greatness and then learned they somehow didn’t reach the dizzying heights we thought they should. Life happens. Things drag us down. Some are out of our control.

I think at times, I am so much better at taking care of others, that I neglect myself. I lose parts of me. But I have been working hard on reclaiming my time. Carving out selfish ME time to heal, tend to myself. But I still have that urge to ‘fix’ someone other than me at times. Those weak moments, knowing that I won’t be fully appreciated. We’ve all been guilty of trying to “fix” someone. Our job on this earth is not to fix everyone but to love and support them and give them the grace to grow. I just wish people could reciprocate.

You’ll meet only a few people in your whole life who are truly abandoned houses – rundown, worn out, collapsing at the seams. I’m not asking you to take a hammer and nails and pin up their rafters, fix their leaky faucets, or put new panes of glass in their broken windows; I’m asking you to simply open their door, and spend a little time memorizing their floor plan. Get to know them. And when the time comes, I want you to draw back their curtains and, once and for all, let the light in.

I may have been broken, but my wings are in constant repair and I find myself flying at times, soaring above most of the time…with grace, hope, faith and love in my heart…keeping me afloat. ♥


Like a Winter Tree, Letting Go….

“There is a big difference between giving up and letting go. Giving up means selling yourself short. It means allowing fear and struggle to limit your opportunities and keep you stuck. Letting go means freeing yourself from something that is no longer serving you. It means removing toxic people and belief systems from your life so that you can make room for relationships and ideas that are conducive to your well being and happiness. Giving up reduces your life. Letting go expands it. Giving up is imprisoning. Letting go is liberation. Giving up is self-defeat. Letting go is self-care. So the next time you make the decision to release something or someone that is stifling your happiness and growth, and a person has the audacity to accuse you of giving up or being weak, remind yourself of the difference. Remind yourself that you don’t need anyone’s permission or approval to live your life in the way that feels right. No one has the authority to tell you who to be or how to live. No one gets to decide what your life should look like or who should be a part of it. No one, but you.”

“You don’t ever have to feel guilty about removing toxic people from your life. It doesn’t matter whether someone is a relative, romantic interest, employer, childhood friend or new acquaintance- You don’t have to make room for people who cause you pain or make you feel small. It’s one thing if a person owns up to their behavior and makes an effort to change. But if a person disregards your feelings,ignores your boundaries, and “continues” to treat you in a harmful way, they have to go.”
― Danielle Koepke

Striving for…“The greatest step towards a life of simplicity is to learn to let go.”
― Steve Maraboli, Life, the Truth, and Being Free


STOP – Great Northern


Strange Sunday Stirrings…

Such a strange day…stirrings of melancholy!  I don’t understand how I find myself smiling all day long but cry myself to sleep at night. How pictures never change but the people in them do. How your best friend can become your worst enemy, or how strange it is when your worst enemy turns into your best friend. How forever turns into a few short months that you’d do almost anything to get back. How you can let go of something you once said you couldn’t live without. How even though you know something is best for you, it just hurts the same. How the people who once wanted to spend every second with you, think a few minutes of their time is too much to spare. How people make promises despite knowing how common it is for promises to be broken. How people can erase you from their lives just because it’s easier than working things out. 

I know that dreams don’t always have to exist while the sun’s down and your eyes are shut.  So I am not going to stop believing.  I know all too well how over thinking ruins you… ruins the situation, turns things around, makes you worry, and just makes things worse than it actually is.  


Drew Holcomb & The Neighbors 12.Tomorrow (Good Light)


Longing…

Ever sit still, in utter silence, and hear the rustling leaves and branches on a tree?  If you inhale, hold your breath, and just listen…you can hear the longing from the tree…filled with strength, such a sanctuary.  It’s like a lover’s whisper, irresistible yet scary – filled with more questions than answers at times.

“The Portuguese call it saudade: a longing for something so indefinite as to be indefinable. Love affairs, miseries of life, the way things were, people already dead, those who left and the ocean that tossed them on the shores of a different land – all things born of the soul that can only be felt.”  ― Anthony De Sa, Barnacle Love

We are homesick most for the places we have never known.

“The feelings that hurt most, the emotions that sting most, are those that are absurd – The longing for impossible things, precisely because they are impossible; nostalgia for what never was; the desire for what could have been; regret over not being someone else; dissatisfaction with the world’s existence. All these half-tones of the soul’s consciousness create in us a painful landscape, an eternal sunset of what we are.” ― Fernando Pessoa

“Erotic longing is really a longing to merge with something greater than oneself. For every kind of love is a force that holds the promise of taking us beyond the limitations of our individual lives.”  ― Julianne Davidow

Longing…for home, happiness…all held together by hope.


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