September….

The month of September always starts out by reminding me of loss….of the great men I have lost in my life…and it just makes me feel lost myself , unfocused…sad….I am trying to be in a good place, stay strong. 

September 1st would have been my Dad’s 73rd birthday….its been 15 years since his passing, and I miss him each and every day….more so when I feel alone, sad, just plain scared at times…he would have been my rock.  I was and will always be a Daddy’s girl. 

I am beyond dreading the 11th.  Already in NYC, there has been a flurry of added security.  I just feel like I can’t escape the memories of profound sadness that permeates these leading days.  I don’t date; feel like I will never fall in love again.   Many of my friends think I will never get over my fiancé lost to me on 9/11 and that I don’t give men a fair chance because I compare all to him…but they are partly right, and I understand this.  I don’t want to settle for just anyone anymore.  I want that grand love I had before.  I know I deserve that and more….most days…just maybe not today. 

Last week I spent the 90% of the long holiday weekend, in my pjs…feeling slightly gloomy, being unshowered – pathetic.  I managed to watch sad movies – sort of allowing me to validate my feelings.  I feel stuck and unmotivated lately.   Going through the motions at work.  Thank goodness I don’t have many friends nearby, because I have been just a drag to be around. 

ME = Broken. Victim. Complainer. Crying all the time. Barely leaving the house. 

I just want to feel numb sometimes.  Carefully teetering on the tightrope of not feeling well, and not wanting to exist…to wanting to rewind the last few years…to finding a shred of hope and looking for a challenging work and love….I vacillate. 

But for the next few days, weeks…I think I will allow myself to continue being one of the walking depressed.  I won’t fully collapse and stay in bed all day.  I will get up Monday and go to work.  I will keep looking for hope and strength, keep smiling through my tears, keep looking after my dog, my friends. Keep blogging and tweeting and enjoy a glass or two of vino.   I just sadly have to admit, I will do all while being profoundly unhappy….accepting my life right now.  Knowing things will change…time and hope propel me forward.  ♥mm♥

I did remind myself that September is California Wine Month…so I think I will try to get myself out my funk, by drinking responsibly and deliciously enjoying a glass of red wine….each day until perhaps October comes.  I will need to read up on California  wineries and make my picks.  A little research, a little sip…will hopefully chase away some of the sadness.  A girl can dream…Everyone has problems. Some people are just better at hiding them than others.  I will fake my way through another week.  

I will soon…reach out as if I could touch the breath of beginnings where each moment is one of discovery instead of one step closer to goodbye.  

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About Teresita

I am a writer, a thinker, an introvert, work behind the scenes kind of person - I am of Puerto Rican blood, have an Italian soul, and a Berliner mind....just learning...♥ View all posts by Teresita

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