Monthly Archives: September 2013

Sunday’s Song…

So every weekend, when I finally have an hour or two to myself…I figure I have to do some apt cleaning, so I blast a few songs….today’s shining song moment for me is this song by Ryan Star, “Last Train Home”…He is a shining star indeed…and East Coast local boy. ♥

“Last Train Home”

You haven’t changed
Stand in the light
I need to see you
Uncover my eyes

The tears coming down
Making lines on your face
One for each year now
That you’ve been away

We were only kids we ran like water
Your dad said “stay away from my daughter.”
The son was coming down when I said
“can’t you just believe?”

And if you wait for me, I’ll be the light in the dark if you lose your way
And if you wait for me, I’ll be your voice when you don’t know what to say.
I’ll be your shelter I’ll be your fate, I’ll be forever, wait for me.
I’ll be the last train, I’ll be the last train home

We were a storm
It blew us away
I wouldn’t leave you
But you couldn’t stay

We were only kids we ran like water
Your dad said stay away from my daughter
The sun was coming down when I said
“Can’t you just believe?”

And if you wait for me…

We were only kids we ran like water
I told your dad “I love your daughter”
The sun was coming down when I said
Hallie, just believe

And if you wait for me…

Hold on to love and wait for me
I’ll be the last train, I’ll be your last train home

Learning to love my curves….

Learning how to live within my new body…learning how to embrace my new curves. I understand that my weight does not define me, but I have to admit it’s frustrating to me when I try to get dressed for work, realize many of my clothes do not fit me. Up until my late 30s, I was never more than 110 lbs and at 5’2″ – I was okay with my body image.

The past few years have been filled with stress for me…divorce, unemployment, being laid off twice, taking care of my sick, elderly parents, dealing with the loss of my pet…I guess the weight gain was a gradual thing….but it wasn’t until a car accident this past January found me in active and home yet again…and NOW, I am 35 lbs heavier. No wonder none of my clothes fit me!!

Now that my bones have healed – I am on a mission…more walking, hiking, join a gym perhaps…

Many of my friends tell me I look great…but I don’t feel great. I am quickly learning that I have to focus on the following in my attempts to achieve a healthier life:

– Sleep more
– Stress less
– Throw out the medications I no longer need from my accident (steroids, pain meds, etc.)
– Regular exercise

Unfortunately, I still need to take my high blood pressure medicine – but it is important to remember that a few extra pounds may be well worth the trade-off for a healthy life as well. Also, something else I need to accept is that I am reaching that age where menopause is a reality. I am coming to terms with the fact that with aging comes a natural slowing of metabolism. At the same time, hormonal changes can trigger hunger, depression, and poor sleep. Such a cycle…

So in the meantime, I will live my life to the fullest…

“She began to measure herself in contentment and laughter rather than in inches and pounds.”

In the words of Miranda Lambert, “I won’t give up what I enjoy to look perfect. I want to find a happy medium between feeling good about my body and still having a beer and some barbecue.” ♥

Lazy Sunday…

Lazy Sunday…dreaming of little blue Tiffany boxes and yellow diamonds…

In my dreams, you are my life. In my life, you are my dream…♥

Lazy Sunday…finished watching, James Patterson’s ‘Sundays at Tiffany’s” … loved it.

I wish I had an imaginary friend / guardian angel turned lover…

Wait for the person who pursues you, the one who will make an ordinary moment seem magical, the kind of person who brings out the best in you and makes you want to be a better person. Wait for the person who will be your best friend, the only person who will drop everything to be with you at any time no matter what the circumstances.

The best love is the one that makes you a better person, without changing you into someone other than yourself.

In life, God doesn’t give us the people we want. Instead he gives us the people we need.
To teach us, to love us and to make us exactly the way we should be. When we are young, we have limited experience of life and so less knowledge of the type of people in the world. Sometimes, we meet the flashy person, and get impressed too soon, have a romantic idea of life and have unrealistic dreams too.

When we do not get the ideal people of our dreams in our life, we get disheartened, even disillusioned. But, if we are lucky, as time goes by and we learn to live with them, we realize that life is a lot more than mere dreaming.

It is these real life people in our lives, who teach us how to really live our life. We can learn how to love in life, and feel contentment. They can help us understand life and teach us how to live it to fullest. God does all this with a purpose, to brighten our life.

“Everyone is born creative; everyone is given a box of crayons in kindergarten. Then when you hit puberty they take te crayons away and replace them with dry, uninspiring books on algebra, history, etc. Being suddenly hit years later with the ‘creative bug’ is just a wee voice telling you, ‘I’d like my crayons back, please.” ― Hugh MacLeod

“After a while the middle-aged person who lives in her head begins to talk to her soul, the kid.” ― Anne Lamott, Joe Jones

Like in the movie I watched today – let’s hope we never lose our inner child.

“and I think that everything in life is kind of unreal, isn’t it?” ― James Patterson, Sundays at Tiffany’s

“It was like meeting someone out of your dreams, or fantasies, or a beloved character from a favorite book.” ― James Patterson, Sundays at Tiffany’s

Laugh so hard that even sorrow smiles at you.
Fight so strong that even fate accepts defeat.
Love so true that even hatred walks out of the way.
And live life so well that even death loves to see you exist and live.


Home finally….watching “Nights in Rodanthe”…how apropos. ♥mm♥

One of the best lines of the movie to me is….”But there’s another kind of love… One that gives you the courage to be better than you are, not less than you are. One that makes you feel that anything is possible. I want you to know that you could have that. I want you to hold out for it, I want you to know you deserve it….”

Memories, music, mourning…

Today is all about memories, music, mourning, movement….remembering ♥mm♥…

What the heart has once owned and had, it shall never lose….♥mm♥

Here are some of the songs I am have been listening to…inspiring, sharing, understanding, remembering, honoring…my own tribute…

Still hear my heart breaking…

Just observed the first moment of silence today…stood still, my vision blurring, and in that moment, I heard my heart break…all over again.

My friends try so hard…and I am forever grateful to them. As much as I appreciate all the usual words of comfort, I need to surrender to my grief…and people should respect that we all grieve in different ways. I don’t need pithy sayings, I need space. I need understanding and acceptance. Claiming my grief…

My friend shared this earlier today: “There is a saying in Tibetan, ‘Tragedy should be utilized as a source of strength.’ No matter what sort of difficulties, how painful experience is, if we lose our hope, that’s our real disaster.” – Dalai Lama XIV

And I am trying to take my sadness and keep moving forward. But I can’t pretend….and ignore the sounds of my heart…with each break, each tear, I lose a part of me…still. I continue to smile through my tears, embracing change, embracing life’s setbacks, remaining compassionate, finding strength in places, people…holding onto hope.

Second moment of silence…

Thinking of all the bravery… grieving all I need to, letting it take over until I find that small inner space I call peace, never discounting the love of your friends….trying….

In honor of today, September 11th and National Suicide Prevention Week…faith, hope, love…

As I remind myself…Always remember even on our weakest days we get a little bit stronger…And we learn that we really are strong, that we really do have self worth, and we can endure, and we learn and learn, with every “goodbye” we learn…


I Will Learn To Love Again….

So many thoughts, feelings…words waiting to be written, shared…but the second my fingers touch the keyboard, I feel overwhelmed with emotion. Listening to music, trying to unwind and this song comes on….

“Music expresses that which cannot be put into words and that which cannot remain silent” – Victor Hugo

So letting this song express how I am feeling tonight…

I Will Learn To Love Again

To love again, to love again
To love again, to love again
To love again

Drowning in tears, that won’t be me
I will soon be, free from the chains of all this pain inside
And though I cry it won’t be long
Till I regain my strength to know I can go on

I will find my way through the heartbreak
I will not give up on love, I believe

I will learn to love again, I will learn to trust
Once this heart can start to mend
I will learn to, learn to love again

All of these tears, time will dry them
I will survive them, and make it through into another day
All of this pain, time will heal it
There’ll be a time sometime I know I won’t feel it

I will live through life without you
After the hurting is done, I believe

I will learn to love again, I will learn to trust
Once this heart can start to mend
I will learn to, learn to love again

And I will find someone who deserves my touch
After all the hurt is through, I will be so over you
I will not give up on love, I believe, yeah

I will learn to love again, I will learn to trust
Once this heart can start to mend
I will learn, to love again, I will love again…

Have a day you have!

My Saturday night movie of choice…”The Odd Life of Timothy Green”…♥

Love the sound track as well…one of my newest fav songs:

“This Gift”

This gift will last forever
This gift will never let you down
Some things are made from better stuff
This gift is waiting to be found

Your heart’s in wide receiving
Been too long buried in the sand
Some things require leaving
This gift will fall right in your hand
Just try to understand…

If you long enough
And you don’t give up
If you’re strong enough
And you don’t give up
And you…

You’ll be no harbor to the sorrow
Just let it go.

Don’t hang your head in sorrow
Don’t give up just before you win
Don’t wait around for tomorrow
Open up your arms and let it in

This gift will last forever
This gift will never let you down
Some things are made from better stuff
This gift is ready to be found
Just you believe it now

This gift will last forever
This gift will never let you down
Some things are made from better stuff
This gift is ready to be found
Your heart’s in wide receiving
Been too long buried in the sand
Some things require believing
These things just fall right in your hand
Just try to understand

If you long enough
And you don’t give up
If you’re strong enough
And you don’t give up …


The month of September always starts out by reminding me of loss….of the great men I have lost in my life…and it just makes me feel lost myself , unfocused…sad….I am trying to be in a good place, stay strong. 

September 1st would have been my Dad’s 73rd birthday….its been 15 years since his passing, and I miss him each and every day….more so when I feel alone, sad, just plain scared at times…he would have been my rock.  I was and will always be a Daddy’s girl. 

I am beyond dreading the 11th.  Already in NYC, there has been a flurry of added security.  I just feel like I can’t escape the memories of profound sadness that permeates these leading days.  I don’t date; feel like I will never fall in love again.   Many of my friends think I will never get over my fiancé lost to me on 9/11 and that I don’t give men a fair chance because I compare all to him…but they are partly right, and I understand this.  I don’t want to settle for just anyone anymore.  I want that grand love I had before.  I know I deserve that and more….most days…just maybe not today. 

Last week I spent the 90% of the long holiday weekend, in my pjs…feeling slightly gloomy, being unshowered – pathetic.  I managed to watch sad movies – sort of allowing me to validate my feelings.  I feel stuck and unmotivated lately.   Going through the motions at work.  Thank goodness I don’t have many friends nearby, because I have been just a drag to be around. 

ME = Broken. Victim. Complainer. Crying all the time. Barely leaving the house. 

I just want to feel numb sometimes.  Carefully teetering on the tightrope of not feeling well, and not wanting to exist…to wanting to rewind the last few years…to finding a shred of hope and looking for a challenging work and love….I vacillate. 

But for the next few days, weeks…I think I will allow myself to continue being one of the walking depressed.  I won’t fully collapse and stay in bed all day.  I will get up Monday and go to work.  I will keep looking for hope and strength, keep smiling through my tears, keep looking after my dog, my friends. Keep blogging and tweeting and enjoy a glass or two of vino.   I just sadly have to admit, I will do all while being profoundly unhappy….accepting my life right now.  Knowing things will change…time and hope propel me forward.  ♥mm♥

I did remind myself that September is California Wine Month…so I think I will try to get myself out my funk, by drinking responsibly and deliciously enjoying a glass of red wine….each day until perhaps October comes.  I will need to read up on California  wineries and make my picks.  A little research, a little sip…will hopefully chase away some of the sadness.  A girl can dream…Everyone has problems. Some people are just better at hiding them than others.  I will fake my way through another week.  

I will soon…reach out as if I could touch the breath of beginnings where each moment is one of discovery instead of one step closer to goodbye.  

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