Hmmmm…Re-learning how to date…or should I say un-learning how to date! When it comes to finding love, there are certain truths that seem so irrefutable that any single person would be a fool to not follow them. Maybe you’re a firm believer that you can tell within seconds if you’re attracted to someone. Or, maybe you think that a first kiss says it all: If you feel fireworks, your date’s a keeper; if it bombs, cut your losses. But I am learning – finally – that these beliefs shouldn’t weigh in too much when dating. We shouldn’t follow so many “rules”.
I used to believe I could tell if I am truly attracted to someone in three seconds. Ha!! Now I am accepting, understanding that I can’t tell if you’re truly attracted to someone until I have had at least two to three dates
“Love at first sight” is a familiar romantic notion. And in our increasingly fast-paced world, it’s darn convenient to think you can tell if you click with someone that quickly. But I am learning that I need real time to cultivate a bit more patience, sticking to a three-date minimum to know for sure whether we are a match (or not). The reason: People are a bundle of nerves on date #1, begin to unwind on date #2, but only by date #3 can people truly relax and maybe build some rapport. And while sparks early on are nice and all, they say nothing about someone’s long-term potential. Trying to learn if we are compatible, if our values match takes time, discussion, observation, and real honest interaction, not an initial impression based on superficial cues. So, I am trying hard now not to write someone off — or fall head over heels — until I have done some due diligence.
I have also thrown out “must have list”. As much as this may look great on paper, it won’t keep me warm at night. You can check off the attributes you want — appearance, background, education, career, salary — but unless you’re building your lover in a lab, you’re missing out. Yup! I know I have! Of course, I am keeping some standards and not settling for a two-pack-a-day smoker who doesn’t like dogs. But settling for nothing less than perfection is unrealistic. I am trying to expand my social circle and move forward, not be so inflexible, limiting and not allowing chemistry to build. Really trying to be open minded, especially when it comes to physical or material attributes like someone’s height, salary, or hair color.
I tend to believe that a first kiss should be this toe-curling experience. Quickly learning that the first kiss is basically inconsequential. In fairy tales, an amazing first kiss leads to a happily ever after—no wonder I have placed such importance on that primary pucker! But there are ample reasons why a first kiss from a potentially great partner can go awry (nervousness or a less-than-ideal setting) and just as many to explain why a first kiss from Mr. Wrong can feel so right (you’ve exceeded the two-drink minimum, perhaps). So as romantic and erotic a kiss can be with someone we find physically attractive, a relationship will still crumble without more shared values. So now, I am not going to write someone off following a less-than-mind-blowing kiss. I will try smiling; lean in slowly for kiss number two, either at that moment or on a subsequent date. A kiss is not just a kiss…ever…♥