Monthly Archives: August 2013

My Love Affair…

Ah my love affair with words…started at a very young age. I used to sit in the closet with a flashlight and just get lost for hours. I’ve always loved to read. When I was a child, being sickly, I wasn’t allowed out to play much, so I would pick up a book and always kept a dictionary close by. If I didn’t know a word I would look it up. I was fascinated by homonyms, synonyms…does anyone even recall the Encyclopedia Britannica? I used to beg my Dad to but the entire collection. Loved to pick one up and learn something totally random. The local library was my favorite hang out. Yes!! I still have a library card. And as much as I like technology, I still prefer buying an actual book rather than use a kindle or nook. I love the feel of books, of turning the page…

I learned early on the power of words. Spoken words had the power to heal or hurt; written words to me had more influence…imagination come to life.

When I was a teenager, I kept journal after journal full of words, thoughts, strings of words….writing helped me stay focused, helped keep the pain at bay.

“Words are pale shadows of forgotten names. As names have power, words have power. Words can light fires in the minds of men. Words can wring tears from the hardest hearts.” ― Patrick Rothfuss, The Name of the Wind

“I turned silences and nights into words. What was unutterable, I wrote down. I made the whirling world stand still.”
― Arthur Rimbaud, A Season in Hell/The Drunken Boat

“We live and breathe words. …. It was books that made me feel that perhaps I was not completely alone. They could be honest with me, and I with them. Reading your words, what you wrote, how you were lonely sometimes and afraid, but always brave; the way you saw the world, its colors and textures and sounds, I felt–I felt the way you thought, hoped, felt, dreamt. I felt I was dreaming and thinking and feeling with you. I dreamed what you dreamed, wanted what you wanted–and then I realized that truly I just wanted you.” ― Cassandra Clare, Clockwork Prince

I long for love letters…♥

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“Receiving with love” …♥

I am so tired these days…almost feeling like I did many years ago battling leukemia and depression. Sick and tired….But these days I find myself tired and easily getting agitated, as well. I am getting old and cranky, I guess. Now on top of all that saddens me, I must find a way to deal with anger?? This shorter fuse I have these days is easily triggered by things that irritate me, so many pet peeves —from simple things like people who walk their dogs while talking on the phone to big stuff such as political/religious issues. Lately, these work day mornings, I find myself muttering under my breath, when tourists stand on both sides of the escalators in the City. Doesn’t everyone know by now that you stand to the right and walk on the left??

Tonight I watched a silly, funny movie, “Our Idiot Brother”. There is a hilarious scene in the film that resonates with me regarding rage. There is a phrase what will now become my mantra, a reminder that not everything is worth getting my panties in a bunch.

In this one funny scene, the brother’s sisters go the home of his former hippie girlfriend to retrieve his dog. His sisters are angry as is the girlfriend:

Girlfriend Janet: I am not going to stand here and be insulted on my own porch.
Sister Miranda: I’ll insult you right here [off the porch].
Janet: OK, I’m a pacifist. I don’t play that way.
Miranda: I’m gonna peace you in the side of the f*^%in’ head you don’t give us the dog.
Janet: I’m not going to receive that with anything but love. ( ♥ this)

While the sisters are right about getting the dog back, and the Janet is rather annoying in her hippie-ness, what sticks with me is the “receiving with love” part.

I’ve been practicing it all day, and just plain giggling out loud. When something starts getting to me, like not understanding how and why my upstairs neighbors can be so loud in their mere existence, I say to myself, “I am going take in their slamming of drawers with love, just love.” And it calms me. lol

Doing this seems to force a break between the event and the jump to irritation/anger, and gives my brain time to decide whether a reaction is worth it. I find most of the time it’s not. If it is worth it, I have given myself time and space to appropriately formulate a reaction that will benefit me and the situation in the end.

It seems to be helping, and I am spending more time chuckling than I am fuming. All is good….with love…♥


Re-learning how to date….

Hmmmm…Re-learning how to date…or should I say un-learning how to date! When it comes to finding love, there are certain truths that seem so irrefutable that any single person would be a fool to not follow them. Maybe you’re a firm believer that you can tell within seconds if you’re attracted to someone. Or, maybe you think that a first kiss says it all: If you feel fireworks, your date’s a keeper; if it bombs, cut your losses. But I am learning – finally – that these beliefs shouldn’t weigh in too much when dating. We shouldn’t follow so many “rules”.

I used to believe I could tell if I am truly attracted to someone in three seconds. Ha!! Now I am accepting, understanding that I can’t tell if you’re truly attracted to someone until I have had at least two to three dates

“Love at first sight” is a familiar romantic notion. And in our increasingly fast-paced world, it’s darn convenient to think you can tell if you click with someone that quickly. But I am learning that I need real time to cultivate a bit more patience, sticking to a three-date minimum to know for sure whether we are a match (or not). The reason: People are a bundle of nerves on date #1, begin to unwind on date #2, but only by date #3 can people truly relax and maybe build some rapport. And while sparks early on are nice and all, they say nothing about someone’s long-term potential. Trying to learn if we are compatible, if our values match takes time, discussion, observation, and real honest interaction, not an initial impression based on superficial cues. So, I am trying hard now not to write someone off — or fall head over heels — until I have done some due diligence.

I have also thrown out “must have list”. As much as this may look great on paper, it won’t keep me warm at night. You can check off the attributes you want — appearance, background, education, career, salary — but unless you’re building your lover in a lab, you’re missing out. Yup! I know I have! Of course, I am keeping some standards and not settling for a two-pack-a-day smoker who doesn’t like dogs. But settling for nothing less than perfection is unrealistic. I am trying to expand my social circle and move forward, not be so inflexible, limiting and not allowing chemistry to build. Really trying to be open minded, especially when it comes to physical or material attributes like someone’s height, salary, or hair color.

I tend to believe that a first kiss should be this toe-curling experience. Quickly learning that the first kiss is basically inconsequential. In fairy tales, an amazing first kiss leads to a happily ever after—no wonder I have placed such importance on that primary pucker! But there are ample reasons why a first kiss from a potentially great partner can go awry (nervousness or a less-than-ideal setting) and just as many to explain why a first kiss from Mr. Wrong can feel so right (you’ve exceeded the two-drink minimum, perhaps). So as romantic and erotic a kiss can be with someone we find physically attractive, a relationship will still crumble without more shared values. So now, I am not going to write someone off following a less-than-mind-blowing kiss. I will try smiling; lean in slowly for kiss number two, either at that moment or on a subsequent date. A kiss is not just a kiss…ever…♥


Moving forward…

Ever just feel like you are being dragged under…and the only way to get through the day is compartmentalize and just try to go through the motions? I find myself so overwhelmed lately and wanting to give up. But I know I can’t. I won’t allow myself to be fully defeated.

I need to remain strong and unaffected when dealing with the weaknesses and shortcomings of others especially lately. I can’t allow other people’s fears, bad habits, gossip, or envy to harm me. Forging ahead, trying to remain confident and keep my decisive attitude although I have learned this arouses competition or insecurities in others, and I continually find myself subjected to deception and lies from people around me, especially colleagues.

“Pulling through is what people do around here. There is a kind of bravery in their lives that isn’t bravery at all. It is automatic, unflinching, a mix of man and machine, consuming and unquestionable obligation meeting illness move for move in a giant even-steven game of chess – an unending round of something that looks like shadowboxing, though between love and death, which is the shadow? “Everyone admires us for our courage,” says one man. “They have no idea what they’re talking about.”

“Courage requires options,” the man adds.

“There are options,” says a woman with a thick suede headband. “You could give up. You could fall apart.”

“No you can’t. Nobody does. I’ve never seen it,” says the man. “Well, not really fall apart.”
― Lorrie Moore, Birds of America

Love the quote above and the collection of stories is a must read. We all, at certain times in our lives, find ourselves broken. True strength is found in picking up the pieces…and moving forward.


The past…no longer haunting….

Sometimes, some days more than others I find myself stalled, stuck in memories of the past.
As I get older, I find myself reminiscing about the past more, getting wistful, being disappointed. As I learn more about myself, more self-aware, I discover more about whom I really am and what I truly want, and then I realize that there are changes I need to make. I feel like I have matured so much the past few years, and am finally understanding and accepting the lifestyle that I have been living no longer fits. Unfortunately, some of the people I have known forever no longer see things the way I do. So I find myself trying to cherish all the great memories, but needing to move on.

Lessons learned the hard way for the most part…

One can learn from their history, but we can’t live in it. You can clutch the past so tightly to your chest that it leaves your arms too full to embrace the present. Some things just aren’t meant to be. Everything from your past does not belong in your present. To hold onto relationships and circumstances that have already moved on without you is to stay stuck in a place and time that no longer exists. Moving on doesn’t mean you completely forget the wonderful things from your past, it just means that you find a positive way of surviving without them in your present. The past never changes. You can spend hours, days, weeks, months, or even years sitting alone in a dark room, over-analyzing a situation from the past, trying to put the pieces together, and trying to justify what could have or should have happened. Or you can just leave the pieces in the dark and walk out the front door , put one foot in front of the other, breathe and keep moving forward.

Life is truly shorter than we think; so much taken for granted. While you are complaining about all the little problems in your life, somebody is desperately fighting for their right to live. You are responsible for each minute in your life. It is up to you to make the most of each day. One day, someday, suddenly, there will be no more minutes.

Playing the martyr, the victim is like holding onto pain which is just self abuse. Our past has given us the strength and wisdom we have today, so celebrate it. Don’t let it haunt you. Replaying a painful memory over and over in your head is just another form of self abuse. Toxic thoughts and people create a toxic life. Make peace with yourself and your past. Try and stop focusing on old problems and things you don’t want in your future.

I have learned that some things are just out of our control. Let the things you can’t control, happen. Moving on can create positive change. You may blame everyone else and think, “Poor me! Why do all these crappy things keep happening to me?” But the only thing those scenarios all have in common is YOU. And this is good news, because it means YOU alone have the power to change things, or change the way you think about things. There is something very powerful and liberating about surrendering to change and embracing it – this is where personal growth and evolution reside.

New opportunities are out there waiting for us all. The world keeps reinventing me…and I am embracing my life, with its myriad of opportunities. Taking ownership of me…♥


“All is fair in love and war.”

Just because someone flirts with you, doesn’t mean they like you. Just because someone likes you, doesn’t mean they want to date you. Just because someone dates you, doesn’t mean they love you. Just because someone loves you, doesn’t mean that they won’t hurt you.

“All’s fair in love and war,” said Ron brightly, “and this is a bit of both.” ― J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows


Just for a one night…

Long day and I’m ready
I’m waiting for your call
‘Cause I’ve made up my mind
My heart aches with a hunger
And the want that you were mine
No I cannot deny

So for one night
Is it all right?
That I give you
My heart
My love
My heart
Just for a one night
My body
My soul
Just for a one night
(One night)
My love
My love
For one night
One night
One night

When mornin’ awakes me
Well I know I’ll be alone
And I feel, I’ll be fine
So, don’t you worry about me
I’m not empty on my own
For inside I’m alive

That for one night
It was so right
That I gave you
My heart
(My heart)
My love
My heart
Just for a one night
(One night)
My body
My soul
Just for a one night
(One night)
My love
(One night)
I loved
For one night
(One night)
One night
One night

For one night
It was so right
That I gave you
My heart
(My heart)
My love
My heart
Just for a one night
(One night)
My body
My soul
Just for a one night
(One night)
My love
(One night)
Love
For one night
(One night)
We love
One night
One night
One night
(One night)
Yeah yeah
(One night)


In my solitude…

As in every summer the past few years, I try to date. I have to admit, this summer, I have not been filled with my usual joie de vivre. Usually when winter comes around, I hibernate; and enjoy my solitude. Sometimes, all I want is a partner, other times, most times I am relieved to be alone in my solitude. I honestly can’t wait until winter…and the ringing in of the new year. Thank goodness its only 142 days away from 2014…2013 has not been a good year, I am still in pain from accident, exhausted, unpleasant, very close to coming unhinged.

If you ask me, there’s a moment in everyone’s life when you feel helpless, are just helpless. Trust me I know. I have been lost before…barely hanging on…with hope, faith and trust. And then something happens, something too big to understand,and then everything changes forever.

I have all these feelings – these weird, unsettling feelings, and I have had this burning desire to express them. But I can’t fully. I just can’t. I try. But somehow I feel like I speak this language and can’t make myself understood. And all these feelings I have – they are trapped and they are stuck in my heart…And I just feel so lonely.

Do you know why people hate to admit they are lonely? It’s because when you do, everyone thinks that something is wrong with you. They think “I have people in my life, why don’t you?” But the strange thing is, you can have people in your life and still be alone. I sometimes find myself in a crowd of people, but no one can hear me or understand me. So I rather be alone….in my solitude.

Sometimes people do actually feel that way. Sometimes your life feels like it’s caving in on you. Sometimes people really do feel like they don’t want to exist, like they want to just curl up in a ball, and go into that place between life and death. Saying “I don’t want to exist” isn’t saying “I want to go die”. It’s saying “I wish that, for the time being, I could go somewhere and not have to feel”. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that. And if you don’t know how it feels to feel this way, then you have no place to judge anyone who does.

I am telling you, there’s nothing wrong with being lonely sometimes, it’s okay…I know I will be alright…just not today…


Perception…

I used to believe that I could read people; get a keen sense of who they really are and their character. Used to be very perceptive. Well, lately, I find myself saddened by the depths of deception of people. And I didn’t see it coming. I used to be able to get a feel for some people before they even say a word. Not anymore – I second guess everything lately. Sad. I need to re-develop my right brain. Still be sympathetic but need to work on my emphatic accuracy again…I used to have that sense.

In a perfect world, you’d never judge someone until you got to know their personality inside and out — you know, the whole thing about judging a book by its cover. This is not a perfect world, however — this is a world where sometimes we need to judge the intentions of a stranger in a split second.

You only have to trust your intuition to know how the people you’re meeting from time to time will affect your fate. I am actively working on being open to the possibilities of mixing my karma with those who cross my path and who may in fact be my soul mates. But I am trying to remain optimistic as well as realistic and am no longer believe that a fireworks display will be the signal for these meetings when in fact it may be a rather quiet and simple experience.

Quietly observing….waiting…


Missing my brother….

Death leaves a heartache no one can heal; Love leaves a memory no one can steal…today marks 19 years since Heaven needed another Angel…not a day goes by without me thinking of my Brother, AJ. So many thoughts, feelings….None the more poignant or heartbreaking than the loss of then my 25 year old brother. Always….♥

We were only one year apart.
AJ was the healthy one, the athletic one.
I was the sickly one.
Yet he passed at 25 and I got to live on…without him.
From day one all we did was fight,
now all I do is fight back my tears.
We were so close.
You’re still here in my heart and mind,
still making me laugh cause your stories live on.
I hold you in a thought and I can feel you.
I feel you and this gives me strength and courage. ..

AJ


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