So…another Wednesday, another morning at occupational therapy….no pain, no gain – HA!
I ran into someone I knew from HS – well, my therapy building is near my old stomping grounds – not far from our High School. We stopped for coffee afterwards, chatting, catching up – and she made me cry…not maliciously – but nonetheless…felt more like support therapy rather than occupational, physical therapy – maybe both are needed in tandem.
I walked away replaying parts of the conversation and feeling grateful. She said to me that there is a light about me, that draws people to me….that its probably because I have been through so much and am very grateful, appreciative and that people pick up on this and just want to be near me. She said I was full of joy and my smile radiates. I was like wow, really??!! Hmmm….
All I know is that I am trying really hard to de-clutter my life. Stay away from drama and negative people. Life is definitely way too short to be dragged down by someone else’s nonsense.
When you have lost your faith and freedom for years, you get this incredible urge to cut away all the fears and expectations – and just experience life for all its worth. I want to believe that I am open…open to whether you want to hurt me, or love me…I don’t care. I just don’t want to hear that I have to wait, that I can’t, or shouldn’t…I just want to LIVE – live without boundaries.
I don’t expect many to ever fully understand what I am going through, what I am feeling, why I do some of the impulsive things I do. You know what losing someone that I loved deeply has taught me? That it takes a brush with death to get your priorities in order. And then one day if you are lucky, you wake up and realize it was worth every minute of pain that you had to endure…just to learn how to live again. That is where I am at – learning how to live again….each and every day I have to remind myself of this.
I vowed to never again allow anyone or anything get me so down, so lost that I had to second guess everything. Life is way too short. When we’re after more out of life, when we’re looking for the depth and satisfaction few even know exist, sometimes the disappointment is as deep, as the joy. I can’t just lie down and give up. I know the real satisfaction comes from trying, from living to the fullest. My ramblings, my beliefs, my hope…
On my forever quest to somehow smooth out the edges of my soul…faith – hope – love – promise…♥ Embracing my own light….embracing me…joie de vivre!
“Perhaps all the dragons in our lives are princesses who are only waiting to see us act, just once, with beauty and courage. Perhaps everything that frightens us is, in its deepest essence, something helpless that wants our love.” – Rainer Maria Rilke, Letters to a Young Poet