Monthly Archives: June 2013

Missing my ♥….

Just watched, “Autumn in New York”…and although my love wasn’t lost to me because of an illness, he was taken from me from a worse evil, terrorism.  I miss him each and every second of the day.

I’m looking for a way to feel you hold me
To feel your heart beat, just one more time
I’m reaching back, trying to touch the moment
Each precious minute that you were mine
How do you prepare,
when you love someone this way,
To let them go a little more each day?

The stars we put in place
The dreams we didn’t waste
The sorrows we embraced
The world belonged to you and me
The oceans that we crossed
The innocence we’ve lost
The hurting at the end
I’d go there again
cause it was beautiful
It was beautiful

Some days missing you is overwhelming
When it hits me you’re not coming back
And in my darkest hours I have wondered
Was it worth it, for the time we had?
My thoughts get kind of scattered,
but one thing I know is true
I bless the day that I found you, oh oh …

Gracias, no entendia lo que me sucedio, despues de muchos años recien hoy pude entender por que se me permitio conocer a esta persona que saco lo mejor de mi, y tengo que ser feliz por haberlo hecho….♥




It’s easy to take off your clothes and have sex.   People do it all of the time…but opening up your soul to someone, being completely honest, letting them into your heart, sharing your thoughts, fears, hopes, dreams, future…now that is being completely, sensually naked…and that is what I am looking for…waiting for my forever….♥

(Took some liberties on the quote from Rob Bell)

A second thinking about you, a moment enjoying your touch ….. a moment of madness that makes me fall in love….waiting for my forever….♥





Sometimes our mind is at war with our heart…the mind knows that we need to forget something but our heart is still keeping it…

Sometimes I don’t like the memories because the tears come too easily, yet once again I break my promise to myself…and dredge up these bittersweet memories.

It’s a constant battle….a war between remembering and forgetting…

“I’d trade all my tomorrows for one single yesterday”

Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere; but if you are lucky, sometimes, in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself.

For one minute each day, walk outside, stand there in silence…look up to the sky, and contemplate just how amazing life truly is…

Live with promise

Love with passion

Laugh with pleasure


On my journey…♥

I want to be…a survivor, not a victim. I want to be growing, not ignoring; authentic, not flawless…

I had my own idea of grief. I thought it was the sad time that followed the death of someone you love and you had to somehow push through it to get over it, to get to the other side. I am learning with each death, that there is no other side. There is no pushing through anything, but rather, an absorption. Adjustment and acceptance. Grief is not something you complete, but rather learn to endure over time. Grief is not a task to finish and move on from, but an element of yourself.

Grieving is a long and difficult journey. Just when things begin to look better, the calendar slaps you with another reminder of your loss….an anniversary, a birthday, holidays…Sometimes the pain will be deeper ten years after the loss.

There is a Chinese proverb: “We can’t stop the birds from flying over our heads, but we can stop them from nesting in our hair.”

We shouldn’t try to numb our pain, or shut ourselves down from the pain. The feelings we try to conceal will not go away. They will hide below the surface for years to come; sooner or later, they will erupt without warning in ways that can affect your emotional, physical and mental health.

Grief itself is not a feeling. It is a process that can take a lifetime. It is a slow journey towards acceptance, peace and hope.

On my journey…♥

Night is filled with immortality…

Tonight is all about loved ones lost to me…and so many others.

This song is a flowing melody of emotions that drift around me in perfect harmony…

Those we love and lose are always connected by heartstrings into infinity. ~ Terri Guillemets

Unable are the loved to die.  For love is immortality.  ~ Emily Dickinson

For death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity.  ~ William Penn

Life is eternal, and love is immortal,
and death is only a horizon;
and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.
~Rossiter Worthington Raymond

Felicidad es el momento que no tiene prisa y que no quieres dejar ir jamas…

Noche tras noche escribo que tu eres mi sueño….mi Angelitos…♥

I would die for you. But I won’t live for you….

“So, this is my life. And I want you to know that I am both happy and sad and I’m still trying to figure out how that could be.”

“I don’t know if you’ve ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or just not exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That’s why I’m trying not to think. I just want it all to stop spinning.”

“It’s much easier to not know things sometimes. Things change and friends leave. And life doesn’t stop for anybody. I wanted to laugh. Or maybe get mad. Or maybe shrug at how strange everybody was, especially me. I think the idea is that every person has to live for his or her own life and than make the choice to share it with other people. You can’t just sit there and put everybody’s lives ahead of yours and think that counts as love. You just can’t. You have to do things. I’m going to do what I want to do. I’m going to be who I really am. And I’m going to figure out what that is. And we could all sit around and wonder and feel bad about each other and blame a lot of people for what they did or didn’t do or what they didn’t know. I don’t know. I guess there could always be someone to blame. It’s just different. Maybe it’s good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I think that the only perspective is to really be there. Because it’s okay to feel things. I was really there. And that was enough to make me feel infinite. I feel infinite.”
― Stephen ChboskyThe Perks of Being a Wallflower

Sad day…

“The person who completes suicide dies once.
Those left behind die a thousand deaths,
trying to relive those terrible moments
and understand…WHY?”

My heart is breaking…just learned my cousin committed suicide.  He had been depressed for years, his marriage failed, the economy affected him.  Just so sad.

The death of a loved one is never easy to experience, whether it comes without warning or after a long struggle with illness.  But several circumstances set death by suicide apart and make the process of bereavement more challenging.  I don’t even know what to say to my family, my cousins, his children, his ex-wife.  So shell shocked.

His death by suicide was sudden, violent, and so very unexpected. Having to deal with the police is an added burden now.  So many mixed emotions.  Insane.  Heartbroken.

I found a penny today just laying on the ground.
But it’s not just a penny, this little coin I’ve found.
Found pennies come from heaven,
that’s what my Grandpa told me.
Grandpa said, “Angels always toss them down.”
Oh, how I loved that story.
He said, “When an Angel misses you, they toss a penny down…
Sometimes just to cheer you up,
and make a smile out of your frown.”
So don’t pass by that penny when you’re feeling blue.
It may be a penny from heaven,
that an Angel’s tossed to you.


Words after the rain…

Wake up from an illusion to find sunlight streaming through,
a fleeting glance outside reveals a sky blindingly blue.
Sunlight dancing on a mosaic of broken dreams,
the shimmering fragments that jeer as they gleam.
Untouchable, unattainable. The haunting ghosts of the past.
They lie like the psychedelic colors I saw last,
for it is a monochrome world without you here with me.
It’s senseless; the way how your smile is all I need to see.
When the world goes silent, your voice is all I hear.
These memories, these thoughts of you won’t disappear;
every time I close my eyes, I see your face.
This longing for you; time nor the grave can erode, cannot erase.
You took my hand and brought me up to the skies,
I didn’t look down, didn’t think about the demise.
You’ve dismantled my crust, reached my core,
stripped down my barriers, until there was nothing more.
So without you, and my outward defenses, I shattered;
my world faded into one where nothing but you mattered.I had no choice but to relapse back into reality when the magic ended;
lost dreams, broken spells, broken hearts, that neither of us intended.

For a moment in time after you passed, I have single-handedly severed many ties;
I lived in a fairy tale, lived in the reflected teardrop of lies.
For brief flares of passion, who would have known
that it still breaks my heart to see you in the dark, alone…in my dreams.


Each day…bring meaning to your life…♥

I have been working for a little over a year now, have tried dating again, meeting new people – what I am learning each and every day is that I am really looking for more.  I meet so many people that just go through the motions of their lives, they seem content with the routine.  I am so different – I have been so impulsive in the past mainly due to the death sentence that hung over my head with the cancer diagnosis.  But with gift of a day, I am trying to be more grounded, stable but I still have this sense of joie de vivre.  I am still impatient, impulsive but am working on it.

I see many people at work who just do the bare minimum.  I can’t – I want to learn, grow, be challenged.  Even when the day’s tasks are boring, I try to teach myself one thing a day – even if it’s just a new word, a new shortcut in Microsoft software.

I continually learn that you don’t go out to find meaning in life, you bring meaning to your life!  Meaning isn’t something out there waiting for you to discover. The meaning of your life is what you infuse it with – beauty or ugliness, happiness or sadness. It is totally your choice, and God wants it to be your choice because God gave you free will.

So many people keep telling me I look better these days, my smile is ever present.  But other people tell me how much weight I have gained; my Mom and her friend have called me ‘fat’.  I understand that in either case, it is just words – but words still hurt – at any age.  I have been totally inactive for years.  And even with my being back to work the past year, after the car accident this past January – I have been totally inactive again.  I am trying to get up, out and about more.  I am hoping with the warmer weather, I will be able to walk more and gradually lose some weight.  Need to get back to eating better, caring more about myself.

I have been a little happier.  I have finally rid myself of those people who were just selfish and using me.  I keep the negative people at a distance.  And just keep moving forward.  Sometimes you need to distance yourself from people. If they care, they will notice. If they don’t, you know where you stand. And you can save yourself some heartbreak and sadness.

And I am going to take the advice a friend offered recently – “Eat like a queen in the morning, a princess at noon, and a peasant at dinner”.

And I will continue on my path to learning, experiencing new things.  Key in life is to live the questions…If you ask questions, then you are never lost…If you ask questions, you will find deeper meaning in the world…and hopefully with most of my health woes behind me, I need to accept that scars remind us where we have been – they do not have to dictate where we are going…

I plan to keep working on having the life I want, the one I deserve.  I need to work on following my own dreams.  Read an e-book recently by Jonathan Mead and love this quote, “This is a declaration of authenticity, an act of spontaneity, and a call to live deliberately.”  ♥

Living deliberately how I choose to live my life and will focus most of my energies on my journey.  I absolutely cringe at the thought of having life happen TO me as opposed to actively creating the life I want, the life that will make ME happy….each and every day, strive to do something spontaneous and just  for myself.  Try it….♥

Warning: Rain may lead to crying…

*sigh* It’s like a monsoon outside!! Flooding everywhere…indoors listening to music…

Cry as hard as you want to. But make sure, when you stop crying, you’ll NEVER cry for the SAME reason again.


“She’s my kind of rain
Like love from a drunken sky
Confetti falling down all night
She’s my kind of rain…”

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