Looking for my new normal…

Finally!  Learning where my normal can be found…accepting that cancer doesn’t go away.  For me, cancer isn’t a one-time event…it’s a chronic, on-going, tiresome, confusing time.

Fall…changing seasons – the reason why I love living on the East Coast.  Even though, I can’t do my favorite thing and go hiking, I am keeping my fingers crossed that I will be able to soon before winter comes.  I know I have been depressed some times lately, because I have been feeling like I am stuck —some times I don’t know what to expect or what’s going to happen next.  But today I am clearly seeing my glass half full.

So after my workshop last week and my decent news from the doctors, I am accepting that living with cancer is not so much about “getting back to normal” as it is learning what’s normal for me now…today, tomorrow.   Sure, I have had to take time to adjust, re-evaluate…but I have made progress.  I have had to put the gym, zumba and hiking on the back burner; I have had to make some minor changes in the way I eat and drink; and I am finding new sources of emotional support.   Biggest challenge has been trying to fit in cancer treatments into my work schedule.   Also, trying to find ways to date and continue looking for true love.  Cancer is just part of my life now, and I always try to have hope.

I am tired of hiding from people.  I need more people in my life who are proud to be around me.  This has been a very good time for me clearing out the so-called friends, acquaintances in my life.  Although I have lost one friend, I have forgiven and re-connected with two others.  Wow – did I miss them.

So the past two days have been bittersweet…the weather is changing…I have not been able to go into the office, but have managed to do a couple of hours each day of some low energy work.

I can’t wait to wear boots.  I tried wearing boots to work the other day and ended up further injuring my already three broken toes.  Only me!

So yes, today was a good day…some decent news from the doctors for once.  Well sort of…I don’t need treatment for the next two weeks.  Yay!  I will take any good news right about now.  Seriously!

This week had me getting second and third opinions regarding the latest blip in my cancer history.   Who knew my CML could lead to visual disturbances and even more abnormal blood results?!   And these stupid headaches and dizzy spells leading me to be even more of a klutz – have to stop.  My poor broken toes can’t handle much more.  So now instead of walking, I think I will just skip…skip, hum and chew gum…should be challenging.  😉

I am really, really tired of doctors, hospitals, labs, etc.  So taking a much needed break.  After hearing all of my options, I feel much better.  I am at ease now that my brain is not deteriorating – for weeks, I could have sworn I noticed some very scary noticeable changes in my speech and writing – but all the white coats swear its not being affected.  I just need sleep, rest, low stress.  Easy!

So I will continue to write, to vent, to share…and always keep hoping…looking for my new normal.

Looking forward to something wonderful happening soon.  ♥

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About Teresita

I am a writer, a thinker, an introvert, work behind the scenes kind of person - I am of Puerto Rican blood, have an Italian soul, and a Berliner mind....just learning...♥ View all posts by Teresita

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