Monthly Archives: September 2012

Good day…

I knew good things were going to happen this weekend…:-)  Sunshine Sunday!

The weather has been absolutely gorgeous.  Re-connecting with one of my sisters and getting to spend quality time with my niece has been the saving grace, I have been looking for.   See wishes do come true.  I even went to see two, yes not one, but two movies at the theater yesterday.  I haven’t really been to the movies in months.  Forgot how much I miss it.

And walking out of my support group this morning, I was just feeling so optimistic.  Life really can be good…

I love that feeling. You know, the one you get when you take a deep breath and suddenly everything feels like it’s going to be okay. Just when you are hopeless as can be, and life is going nowhere, there’s those moments we have every now and then where we just stop and we get this feeling, that can’t be described, but you just know… you just feel like everything really is going to be okay. Like the world stopped spinning for a second, and everything was clear.  I had a few of these moments this weekend.  I need more of those moments.

There’s that one moment, the moment when you’ve figured out how much you’ve really let go, and how much you’ve grown. It’s that moment when you can’t look back, yet you can’t seem to look too far into the future. It’s that moment when you realize you’re living for yourself and no one else…yay!

I think I am lucky despite all the hurt and heartache I have experienced and still keep having to battle so many things.  I am lucky because I have learned so much.  Some people go through hardships and just get bitter and can’t move forward.  I have changed, and realized maybe things do happen for a reason. Maybe they don’t. But no matter what, they still happen. That’s what we need to remember. I learned to stop analyzing things so much, to just let them happen. And if I get hurt, or if something bad happens, there’s nothing I can do to change that. I’ve learned to go with my gut, and that it’s okay to make mistakes because the ones that matter won’t care. I’ve learned that love really is as great as they say it is. I’ve learned that your friends can save you from your worst enemy: yourself. And most importantly, I’ve learned that today is all we have.

When I look in the mirror, I see a lady who’s been through so much and yet still finds a way to smile at the past. She still loves with all her heart, or what’s left of it, and when you see her walk down the street I can guarantee you she’ll have her head up high, faking a smile just one last time at all those who try to break her but never will…yes that is who I see in the mirror….most days…today is one of those days!

I’m the kind of woman who is quiet in large groups or around people I don’t know; you only see the real me if we’re close. I smile and laugh a lot, especially at the most inappropriate times. I’m a hopeless romantic. I trip over air, up stairs, and over people’s feet – which explains my three broken toes and sprained ankle.  I am the hardest person to offend, but it is all too easy to make me feel horrible.  Too sensitive most times.  I hate telling people about my problems; they don’t need to worry about me.   I don’t want their pity. I’m the one who listens to other people’s problems. I believe people should not be judged before one takes the time to get to know them…and not even then.   I love to think rather than talk. I’m awkward, clumsy, shy, quirky… but this is me. Take it or leave it.

As you get older, you stop being scared of the dark. You realize the dark is just the dark…and night lights work just fine.  😉  But you also become scared of other things, people themselves. You learn that not everyone wants to see you succeed nor happy. You become aware of people’s underlying intentions and selfish actions.  And the monsters you used to check for under your bed at night, don’t even compare to some of the things people do.  This makes me sad.

People, me included these days, are always talking about how hard it is to find a good man, but nowadays it’s hard to even find a good person. It’s so hard to just find a person to talk to, someone who will just listen and not judge, someone who will just take you as you are.  This is why I joined my support group.  There’s a story behind everything.  How a picture got on a wall, how a scar got on your face. Sometimes the stories are simple, and sometimes they are hard and heartbreaking.  So I listen, I learn, I appreciate, and I hope…

Sometimes you just need someone. Someone to make you smile when you’re sad, to tell you that you’re beautiful. Someone to look forward to seeing you everyday. Someone to call you every night just to say I love you and mean it.  Yes, I know that my someone is just around the corner…

I have been ‘accused’ of living in a fantasy and looking for something that doesn’t exist.  But I disagree.  I have had the fairy tale once before so I know it’s out there again – as I long as I stop settling for the wrong people.  I think we’re all just looking for someone who makes every love song, romantic comedy and fairy tale seem relatable. We’re not really looking for a prince or a princess, or exactly for the person who chases us down to the airport before we leave for somewhere and confess their love to us and say we can’t leave. We’re not looking for someone who makes every song on the radio seem like it was written for them, we’re just looking for someone who when we watch these movies, hear these songs, read these fairy tales, we can sit back and say, “I know the feeling.”  Yes!

Breathe….exhale…smile…hope…♥

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Dating again…naturally…

I never thought I’d be one of those women who would wait by the proverbial ‘phone’, waiting for ‘him’ to call.   Well I am tired.  Waited all day into night yesterday for a call from a man who was to be honest never worthy of my time to begin with.  So his loss truly.  And if you are reading this – wow – you finally got a sentence in my blog dedicated just to you!  Happy?!  Hope so.  How funny when people think the world revolves around them.  No more waffling…

This is my space – my words, my place to vent, share…it was never about lamenting about one person.  So get over it.  I am.

Not sure why men after the age of 45 still feel the need to play games.  Truly sad.  And if you still have too much baggage and issues balancing work, parenting and dating then you should seek help.  Seriously.  They make pills for everything these days.

I finally found two dating sites that actually may connect me with people living with cancer.  Looking forward to sharing tomorrow with my support group.  Love the name too – C is for Cupid!!

I am tired of going on dates and afterwards my phone begins to mock me with its silence.  But I also hate it when needy people text all day and call five times a day just to check in – I am fragile but not that fragile.  So I am looking for someone who truly wants to be in a relationship and understand that it takes time, effort, romance…just plain old fashioned courting.  Yup…that would make me smile.

I am not sure why more people who say they want to find someone won’t take more of an initiative and actually go out and make an effort, make plans.   I am going to be the happiest person once I find someone who is actually mature enough to understand that obtaining and holding onto good things/people takes work, patience and a true commitment.

We all could improve in some part of our lives. If you do not subscribe to that then I think you are delusional. I want to find a man I can improve with, learn from.

“I need someone to show me
The things in life that I can’t find”

I am great for someone but not great for everyone. I am an acquired taste….I know this about about myself.  Maybe that is why I like wine…who knows…;-)

I think sadly, far too many people are looking for the right person instead of trying to be the right person. Don’t expect to find the right person if you’re not willing to let the wrong one go.   That took me the longest time.  Love is not about finding the right person, but creating the right relationship. It’s not about how much love you have in the beginning but how much love you build until the end. You can’t make someone love you, all you can do is be someone who can be loved, the rest is up to the person to realize your worth. I am waiting…waiting to fall…

Still the best words to live by…

Life is too short to wake up with regrets.
Love the people who treat you right.
Forget about the ones who don’t.
Believe everything happens for a reason.
If you get a second chance, grab it with both hands.
If it changes your life, let it.
Nobody said life would be easy.
They just promised it would be worth it.


Looking for my new normal…

Finally!  Learning where my normal can be found…accepting that cancer doesn’t go away.  For me, cancer isn’t a one-time event…it’s a chronic, on-going, tiresome, confusing time.

Fall…changing seasons – the reason why I love living on the East Coast.  Even though, I can’t do my favorite thing and go hiking, I am keeping my fingers crossed that I will be able to soon before winter comes.  I know I have been depressed some times lately, because I have been feeling like I am stuck —some times I don’t know what to expect or what’s going to happen next.  But today I am clearly seeing my glass half full.

So after my workshop last week and my decent news from the doctors, I am accepting that living with cancer is not so much about “getting back to normal” as it is learning what’s normal for me now…today, tomorrow.   Sure, I have had to take time to adjust, re-evaluate…but I have made progress.  I have had to put the gym, zumba and hiking on the back burner; I have had to make some minor changes in the way I eat and drink; and I am finding new sources of emotional support.   Biggest challenge has been trying to fit in cancer treatments into my work schedule.   Also, trying to find ways to date and continue looking for true love.  Cancer is just part of my life now, and I always try to have hope.

I am tired of hiding from people.  I need more people in my life who are proud to be around me.  This has been a very good time for me clearing out the so-called friends, acquaintances in my life.  Although I have lost one friend, I have forgiven and re-connected with two others.  Wow – did I miss them.

So the past two days have been bittersweet…the weather is changing…I have not been able to go into the office, but have managed to do a couple of hours each day of some low energy work.

I can’t wait to wear boots.  I tried wearing boots to work the other day and ended up further injuring my already three broken toes.  Only me!

So yes, today was a good day…some decent news from the doctors for once.  Well sort of…I don’t need treatment for the next two weeks.  Yay!  I will take any good news right about now.  Seriously!

This week had me getting second and third opinions regarding the latest blip in my cancer history.   Who knew my CML could lead to visual disturbances and even more abnormal blood results?!   And these stupid headaches and dizzy spells leading me to be even more of a klutz – have to stop.  My poor broken toes can’t handle much more.  So now instead of walking, I think I will just skip…skip, hum and chew gum…should be challenging.  😉

I am really, really tired of doctors, hospitals, labs, etc.  So taking a much needed break.  After hearing all of my options, I feel much better.  I am at ease now that my brain is not deteriorating – for weeks, I could have sworn I noticed some very scary noticeable changes in my speech and writing – but all the white coats swear its not being affected.  I just need sleep, rest, low stress.  Easy!

So I will continue to write, to vent, to share…and always keep hoping…looking for my new normal.

Looking forward to something wonderful happening soon.  ♥


Sometimes…

Sometimes there is no next time, no time outs, no second chances…sometimes it really is just now or never.

Sometimes when someone exits your life, they are doing you a favor…they leave  an empty place for someone who actually deserves to be in your life…space for someone who really wants to be in your life.

Sometimes rejection doesn’t mean that you aren’t good enough, it means the other person truly failed to see what you were worth and what you had to offer.

Sometimes God has to break us in order to re-make us.  It’s a bend, not an end.  We are all like glow sticks – no matter how we are bent and broken, our light still shines.   (D.Carswell)

Sometimes you have to love people from a distance, and give them the space and time they need to get their minds right, before you allow then back into your life.

Sometimes bad things happen in our lives to remind us to open our eyes to all the good things we weren’t paying attention to before.

Sometimes falling flat on your face, allows you to literally see things from a different perspective.

Sometimes its okay to walk away, to let go of the person who hurt you, who broke your heart, and to move forward and get a new start.

Sometimes tears help us clear our eyes, so we can clearly see the good things ahead.

Sometimes you can be amazed at how you can experience a whole lifetime in a day.

Sometimes we must accept that things go wrong before they can go right.

Sometimes we have to let the wrong people walk out, to let the right ones to walk in.

Sometimes we have to feel weak, in order to know what it’s like to feel strong.

Sometimes you have to be broken, just to realize you will never completely shatter.

Sometimes you have to beat them, drown them with love, choke them with kindness, and cover them with hope.

Sometimes it’s not the person you miss but the feeling you had when with them.

Sometimes you can try your hardest, do everything right, but sometimes people just aren’t worth trying again over and over, and it’s important to know when to let go of someone who brings you down.

Sometimes when people make you cry more than they make you smile, you need to say good-bye.

Sometimes we come into someone’s life not to make them love us, but to let them feel that they are worth loving.

Sometimes good-byes are forever.

Sometimes in our quest to make everyone else happy, we only manage to make ourselves miserable.

Sometimes people disappoint you.

Sometimes people surprise you.

Sometimes there is just poetry.

Sometimes…there is a country song that speaks to you…♥

I’m waiting
Fall into me
Fall into me
Fall into me
A whisper away from changing everything…

 

 

 

 


Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart…

Try Sleeping With A Broken Heart

Even if you were a million miles away
I could still feel you in my bed
near me, touch me, feel me
And even in the bottom of the sea
I can still hear inside my head
Telling me, touch me, feel me
And all the time you were telling me lies

So tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold on to the times that we had
Tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you

Have you ever tried sleeping with a broken heart?
Well you can try sleeping in my bed
Lonely, only, nobody ever shut it down like you
You wore the crown, you make my body feel heaven-bound
Why don’t you hold me, need me, I thought you told me
You’d never leave me

Looking in the sky I can see your face
And i knew right where I’d fit in
Take me, make me
You know that I’ll always be in love with you
Right til the end

So tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold onto the times that we had
Tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you

Anybody could have told you right from the start
It’s bout fall apart
So rather than hold onto a broken dream
Or just hold onto love
And I could find a way to make it
Don’t hold on too tight
I’ll make it without you tonight

So tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
Tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you
I’m gonna hold onto the times that we had
Tonight I’m gonna find a way to make it without you  ♥


T’s Late Night Thoughts…

I believe…that…

Sometimes we make love with our words…

Sometimes we make love with our eyes…

Sometimes we make love with our hands…

Sometimes we make love with our bodies…

Always we make love with our hearts…

Sometimes some problems can only be solved if you are willing to shut your mouth and learn how to open your ears, heart and head…

Always…♥

I have found the ultimate paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love. ~ Mother Teresa

Sounds and smells…and places…so many things remind me of my ♥mm♥.   But I know…

My grieving heart…

I am allowing myself to fully experience the full impact of my loss.

I am following it, crying when I want to, yelling at God, screaming into my pillow, and avoiding most people and definitely the news.

I will not suppress my grief, or avoid it, or try to change it.

It’s my grief! Claiming it.

Experiencing it.

Surrendering to my grief.

Grief is itself the only medicine I need right now.

And anyone who doesn’t understand this or who can’t accept, stay away from me.

What the heart has once owned and had, it shall never lose.

Embrace the center of your sorrow, feel it, allow yourself to grow stronger.

Respect the ground you walk on.

I do not fear being crushed once again by trying love for I still believe that there is someone out there just for me.  I don’t fear what tomorrow may bring I want to embrace it and look forward to living life…


11 years and counting…

I have come to realize that destiny can hurt a person as much as it can bless them, and I find myself wondering why – out of all the people in all the world I could ever have loved – I had to fall in love with someone who was taken away from me.

One day you’re there and then all of a sudden, there’s less of you. And you wonder where that part went – if it’s living somewhere, outside of you, and you keep thinking maybe you’ll get it back. And then you realize…it’s just gone.

Many say it’s easier to burn than to build; many say it’s easier to hurt than to heal…But I say you lose when you give up what you love…And I’ve lived my life without you long enough.

I hold pieces of you – of him; I hold them so tight that they eventually become pieces of myself that I am still learning to grow from but never away from.  I hold onto them so tight that they eventually become the only pieces that can hold my shaky bones together. They become the only pieces that can keep this broken heart of mine held together…

Have you ever thought that if one thing hadn’t happened, a whole set of things never would have either?  Like dominoes in time, a single event kicked off an unstoppable series of changes that gained momentum and spun out of control, and nothing was ever the same again. Don’t ever doubt that a mere second can change your life forever.  It can.  It has.  Everything does really happen for a reason.

I’ve got no more illusions…I know I’ll see you again…

The days will always be brighter because he existed. The nights will always be darker because he’s gone. And no matter what anybody says about grief, and about time healing all wounds, the truth is, there are certain sorrows that never fade away until the heart stops beating and the last breath is taken.  ♥mm♥

I sit and breathe in the silence

I sit and breathe in the pain

Everything feels empty and hollow

Moments…

Sitting by myself.

Waiting…

Learning that it’s not luck to be able to fall in love again…it’s being ready…ready to remember the past, slowly moving forward into the future…

“I am not the happiest person. In fact, in the battle between joy and misery, I’d say that the latter often seems to prevail. I don’t like this, and every day I refuse, for the eighty millionth time, to put up with another minute of it. But the world does what it does, and I often find it disagreeable. After all these years, I’m kind of resigned to that. But I do have one thing on my side: I have enormous faith. And hope. I am not speaking of the kind you find in church or in the afterlife or in heaven or in the Saint James Bible or in the Hare Krishna’s that we all encounter changing flights in the airports of the world, I am speaking of a simple faith that says that one way or another, no matter how many times I stumble and stub my big toe, somehow life is going to work itself out.”- Elizabeth Wurtzel


Living and working…

Ah Mondays always take on different meanings for me.   Today it’s all about will I be able to work during my chemo treatments.  This is where I find strength I didn’t know I had and have to keep adopting my inner Divatude!

I am realizing from chatting to others, many people can work during their chemotherapy treatment.  It depends on the person.  Right now I am having very few noticeable side effects.   Besides being late every once in a while to go in for treatments and being tired, I can work through it.  Other people really need to take a break from the stress of their work life. And I think, in part, the decision is personal one, in addition to a medical one. It is rare for the chemotherapy itself to produce side effects that would make it impossible to keep working.  Sometimes it does — some people have their own reaction, and if so then that needs to be managed — but it isn’t a common thing, and most people can keep working if they want to.  So here I am getting ready to go into work.  

So far, I feel very fortunate to be able to continue working, since it really helps to keep my mind off of my illness and dwelling about my condition.  I still have to tell my boss about my illness but that comes after next week when we can talk face-to-face in Dallas.  But I will keep it a secret from others.  I learned how to actually put some makeup on to hide the dark circles and redness, and will use my clothing to hide the weight changes I am going through.  Right now, the worst looking thing are my nails – they are a mess; breaking off.  They hurt.  I wish I could just wear gloves 24/7 to hide them.  *sigh*

I need to keep reminding myself that all these changes are temporary.   Temporary!

I know all of this sounds shallow but keeping my appearance up is good for my morale.  I would love to hear compliments.  And get some positive attention.  I usually shrink away from that – but am realizing that it will do me some good this time.  It is easy to dwell on how horrible I feel or look when my skin and hair texture is changing, feeling nauseous, and so tired.  So trying to look normal, even having fun with my look really helps.   I am hoping that it also helps people around me who know what I am going through.   If they see me coping and doing ok, maybe they won’t pity me or feel uncomfortable around me.  They will be less afraid of the illness and treatment.   Here’s to hoping…


“The Way of Love…”

Ah to fall in love…always has the risk to lead to heartbreak.  I have fallen in love a couple of times.   It was one of the most painful and confusing experiences I have ever had. The most interesting part of the whole process, however, was falling more in love with myself. I was incredibly brave, it turns out, to have the courage to be available to someone else. Even though I lost the fantasy of what the relationship could have been, I have gained a greater appreciation for how the ability to be vulnerable generates strength. The deeper the devastation the stronger the opportunity to feel the power of love. I am so grateful to be available! The below reconfirms what I have learned…

The way of love is not
a subtle argument.
The door there
is devastation.
Birds make great sky-circles
of their freedom.
How do they learn it?
They fall, and falling,
they’re given wings.
♥ Rumi

Life of a klutz!

This was a short work week for me because of the holiday and an extra day off.  But it was also one of the longest in my life as a klutz.  I tried to avoid talking to a creepy shop owner in NYC who is always chasing after me, and I literally trip and break two toes and sprained my right ankle for the umpteenth time.

So today, I am walking home from the dry cleaners and I trip yet again.  Yup!  You guessed it – right side throbbing.  Thank goodness the cute podiatrist gave me anti-inflammatory meds.

But this week hasn’t been just about needing to learn how to walk again.  It’s really been about me being a klutz all the way around!

*sigh* A day in the life of T: Decided to get a Cobb salad with dijon vinaigrette on the side for lunch…thinking not messy…right? WRONG!  Had to sit at work with a damp stained, shirt,,,thank goodness for NYC and  shopping everywhere.

But it had me thinking….thinking…The life of ME involves being a klutz with a capital K!

But I am turning my weekend around and have decided the life of being a klutz is fun!  The world is a better place when you are a klutz. Dropping things and tripping over stuff makes you intimately more aware of your environment. Trip down concrete stairs? You’ll say, “Wow, I never realized just how hard concrete stairs are.” Trip on some carpeted stairs? “Oh boy, this carpet sure is plush!” So after spilling my dressing all over my black skirt, I thought I would be error=proof for a little while. WRONG!  I went to put some dove dark chocolates into a bowl, and I totally dropped them all over the floor. Fun! You get to experience things you never would have dreamed of…being a klutz!  Like dropping a bag of chocolates all over your knee and onto the floor.  It was like raining chocolate….just sharing…♥


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