Monthly Archives: August 2012

Somewhere…

Wow – who else loves and remembers the movie, “Somewhere in Time” with Christopher Reeve and Jane Seymour??   ♥

“The man of my dreams has almost faded now…The one I have created in my mind… The sort of man each woman dreams of, in the deepest and most secret reaches of her heart. I can almost see him now before me. What would I say to him if he were really here? ‘Forgive me. I have never known this feeling. I have lived without it all my life. Is it any wonder, then, I failed to recognize you? You, who brought it to me for the first time. Is there any way that I can tell you how my life has changed? Any way at all to let you know what sweetness you have given me? There is so much to say. I cannot find the words…Except for these: I love you’.  Such would I say to him if he were really here.”

*sigh*


Jumbled…feelings…

Sleepless nights, restless days…
Feelings…falling in like…falling in love…well…saying it out loud makes it too real…something I can lose….and never take back…
Moments…there is not a particular moment…it’s every time I am with you, and every time I am not…it’s having a secret – not the kind you want to run out and tell everyone, but the kind you don’t dare tell anyone because then a piece of it would be lost forever…
Te adoro…
And nothing lost…
I will not fear bring crushed again by trying love
For I still believe that there is someone out there just for me…
Am I getting ahead of myself ?!  When…I am with you I can see the future and living in the present is the real challenge – which is so unlike me.  For most of my life since I turned 19, I have been living in the present and never prepared for the future.  And here I am anticipating.
♥mm♥

Wise words…

I woke up this morning, tired but hopeful after receiving this quote from my friend…

“If you want to reach a state of bliss, then go beyond your ego and the internal dialogue. Make a decision to relinquish the need to control, the need to be approved, and the need to judge. Those are the three things the ego is doing all the time. It’s very important to be aware of them every time they come up.” ~ Deepak Chopra

Wise words to live by, to strive for…

 


Sentences that resonate…


Missing my brother…he is my Angel…

I truly can’t believe my baby brother has been gone now for 18 years.  Seriously where does the time go?!  Today I woke up and the sun was shining and I was thinking nice, peaceful thoughts and then it just happens like it just hits me – I can’t breathe, I don’t want to get out of bed, I don’t want to see anyone. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I miss him so much. It’s so hard to lose someone you love – all the words in the world can’t take away this sadness I feel at times. But I try to live my life the best I can. I try to live my life fully for him too….he was only 25 years young, taken from us at the beginning of his prime.  So many things he didn’t get to do, or experience…so I keep that in mind as I live my life.  Life after death…I have found the will over and over again to live every day. Death…that is why I never stay mad at anyone – I imagine them dead, so it’s easier to forgive them. I believe that there is some order, some purpose to all of this. I have stopped asking why my little brother. It still hurts so much but I have accepted that it has happened and whatever the reasons, they are not for me to know. But I would be lying if I said I didn’t wish I could just hear his voice one more time…

For a long time, I thought it would be easier, better not to invest in people – they leave, they die. Scary. But now I have learned that the alternative is so much worse. I am not going to convince anyone that losing AJ has made me a better person, I sometimes still get angry, sad. And most days it hurts so much, I can’t breathe. But the thought of never having had AJ in my life – now that would have been truly unbearable.

Love you, AJ. Missing you….xo to my Angels… ♥♥


Ramblings…

Trying to take one day at a time; savor the moments. Let things blossom – right, isn’t that what he says?! But for me, timing is everything. I value time. I don’t want to waste my time nor anyone else’s. Life should always be appreciated because it can change or be taken away in an instant. I know this all too well. What does it take to hope? Everything. Hope is about never ceasing to be amazed, wearing your heart and soul on your sleeve, holding your breath, waiting to hear magical words, believing that tomorrow could be better than today, that you’ll get a second chance, that you’ll make a difference, that you’ll finally be able to stand for something in your life. Have you ever thought that if one thing hadn’t happened, a whole set of other things never would have either? Like dominoes, a single event kicked off an unstoppable series of changes that gained momentum and spun out of control, and nothing was ever the same again. Don’t ever doubt that a mere second can change your life forever. Count your blessings. Go for it now. The future is promised to no one. I am not trying to rush things. It’s not about forcing happiness. It’s about not letting sadness win.

Sometimes…You don’t choose who you fall for. You just fall and you get this person who is all wrong, but yet so right. You know that you like them so much, except sometimes they drive you insane and no one can explain. Maybe I need more time…to accept who he is and who he will never be.

Sometimes…I have a long list of things to say but I will look over at him, I leave it alone and just want to say, “You amaze me”.

I promised myself that I would never learn to regret that I met him, for liking him and for falling for him. But because it is hurting me, I tend to forget that promises were meant to be broken and indeed it was. I’d rather love someone I can’t have than have someone I can’t love. It’s no wonder my marriage failed.

Sometimes…His lips tell me that he’s afraid of what people will say, what others think of him, but his eyes tell me that he’s fearless. And I get lost in them.

Sometimes…when I hear him speak, all I can hear are all his insecurities wound up. Do people really believe they are not special? I think the reason some people think they are not special, and maybe even think they are nothing, is because no one has ever fought for them. I have been fortunate to have people who care enough to fight for me, to walk me off the edge, to make me feel like I am the only one in the room. I believe that if I was really, truly, worth it, that someone would’ve fought for me to stay, but instead, I end up walking away.

It’s the worst feeling in the world to love and hate someone all at the same time. And it’s hard to watch things change when all you want is for them to stay the same. It’s funny but stupid how you want everything and nothing at the same time. It’s crazy when you want to let go, but you keep holding on. And when you want to move on, but you’re stuck right where you started. When feelings come and go and you can’t decide what you want. When you have so many things to say but you don’t know where to start. When you want them in your life so bad, but all you can do is push them farther and farther away because you can see into the future.

Sometimes, I wish I weren’t so smart.

Sometimes, I wish I weren’t so perceptive.

Sometimes, I wish I weren’t so honest.

Sometimes, I wish I weren’t so complicated.

I have never been strong enough to stay. People say that walking away is the hardest thing to do, but it isn’t. Staying, even when you know it will break your heart, is the hardest thing.

Staying right where you are, waiting for your entire world to be ripped into pieces is much harder than walking away and starting a new one.

Sometimes… there’s nothing to say.

Sometimes… silence expresses more than words. Picking up the phone, dialing a number…it can do more damage than good but humans are afflicted with this obsessive desire, to talk things to death. So we make things worse, just by trying to make it better. Some feelings don’t go away, they just get avoided.

Sometimes…living today like it may be your last…can be avoidance or an excuse…

The sun does not use the excuse of clouds to stop shining its light, for it knows that clouds will always come and go.

I am a realist, still a hopeful, dreamer…contradiction…nah!  Complex yes!

Over tired and confused …why do so many conclude that people are too complicated?!  We’d like to have an instruction manual to know what to do, but, of course, it doesn’t exist.

Most people see what their eyes allow them to perceive.  What is bigger than their vision “doesn’t exist” and, what is constituted by more elements than what they can manage is “complicated”.  Before we can even begin to understand and accept a complicated person we have two choices: widening our comprehension of reality or keeping things simple.  Simple to me usually equals boring.

I don’t do well with boring.  When one is getting aware that things are bigger and more profound than what one thought one gets to think in terms of how people are complicated.

What happens is that one is awakening to human complexity. Welcome to reality.

*sigh* Ramblings of a sleep deprived rubik’s cube….yup…that is how I am feeling!


Benevolence!

Mencius said, ‘Benevolence is the distinguishing characteristic of man. As embodied in man’s conduct, it is called the path of duty.’

*sigh* Duty!  Benevolence!  I am usually a nice, caring, thoughtful person…I understand the desire to do good to others; goodwill; charitableness: to be filled with benevolence toward one’s fellow creatures.  I am usually kind.

Ah…am feeling a little sorry for myself today.  My Mom was in the hospital a few weeks ago again, and now my step father today.  I am exhausted trying to balance a still new-to-me job, dealing with family, a sick dog and starting to date.   I am praying and hoping that if I write out my thoughts, some if not all my ill-thoughts will dissipate somehow.  I am trying really hard to remain focused, stay optimistic and keep smiling…tired of the tears.  Really tired of the gray hair.  Well, just truly weary of being physically tired, emotionally drained, and mentally worried… migraine please go away!!  What is the commercial….”Calgon take me away”?!

I thought surviving leukemia, losing my brother, my bff, my father, and my fiancé to death all before I was 35 years old was enough heartache for a life time – well I was wrong.

About five years ago, soon after I turned the big 40, my maternal grandmother had another stroke and was hospitalized and both my step-father and mother were battling cancer, I made a very tough decision to move back home.  I was being laid off and I thought it was a sign and timing was there.

Little did I know then that as a caregiver, I would reach my own breaking point…several of them.  I found myself sick, barely hanging on financially and emotionally, fighting my own depression, and frustration building after only 12 months.  My grandmother finally succumbed to her last stroke after months of struggling, both my Mom and step father were released from the hospital, back home and taking life one day at time, dealing with getting older and the every day frustration of having their bodies fail them.   Throughout all of this, my already strained relationship with my three older sisters got progressively worse to the point of true estrangement.  After losing my grandmother, I went back to work in early 2008, loved my new job, met a guy, got married for all the wrong reasons again, and moved away to a neighboring state;  Only to find myself trapped and unhappy in another marriage, the economy continuing to worsen.  In 2009, I was laid off again and after taking a trip together to visit family in PR realized that the marriage could, should not be saved.   My oldest dog was also aging and getting sicker.  So I moved back home.  Having to put my 16 year old dog was one of the hardest things I had to do.   I took my time looking for work since unemployment was at an all time high.  I really became my parent’s advocate.  I started to run their household – bills, grocery shopping, meals, doctor visits – I became nurse, accountant, event planner, personal shopper, etc.  Then in 2010, my nephew finds himself sick and hospitalized for a few months; once released needing a place to stay and recuperate.  I took him in.  By then I had the second floor to myself, after moving the parents to the first floor and plenty of room.  Well, my naïve, good natured personality had failed me before and now has taught me a very valuable lesson:  No good deed goes unpunished.   After a little over two years, he decides to move out and it has been a couple of months now since I have heard from him – from the first day he moved out, he has not returned my calls, emails nor texts.  My oldest sister, his Mom, hasn’t heard from him neither but has never forgiven me for taking him in when he had no place to go.  So…this has been my life the past few years…my life has been filled with the irony of “damned if I do, damned if I don’t”.   I don’t know if I will ever learn the phrase “No good deed goes unpunished”.  My life does indeed come across as a sardonic commentary on the frequency with which acts of kindness backfire on those who offer them. In other words, because life is inherently unfair, those who help others are doomed to suffer as a result of their being helpful.   I hate to be so pessimistic and believe this.  So I sit here sometimes, scratching my head going, “WHY do I bother?”  So basically, “No good deed goes unpunished” is a wry way of saying that often going out of your way to be kind or thoughtful or considerate doesn’t always get the expected result.  You know the saying, “Virtue is its own reward?”  Sometimes it isn’t!  But…in the words of  Roger Staubach “there are no traffic jams along the extra mile.”  So I will always try to do what is right.  I will never allow someone else’s thoughtlessness, selfishness  stop me from being me…So when someone close to me ignores my thoughtfulness; puts down my tastes or choices; makes rude, unnecessary comments; and doesn’t utter a ‘thank you’ – I will smile.  And pray to God asking him to forgive them.

So I need to continually find strength, humor, outlets to relieve my stress.  And with the work week looming, I am looking forward to just being busy at work.  Putting my emotions on a leash of sorts.  Letting my analytic side of my brain take over.  Until I find myself stressing over having to be social next weekend. Little did I know that with the role of caregiver, also came role of hostess.  Now when my parents have visitors, family and friends over, I find myself having to play hostess on top of cleaning, shopping, cooking (mostly catering)…I try but find myself failing at most.  Both my Mom and step father can be overly critical, verbally abusive and stubborn. Sometimes, I am at such a loss, I don’t know what emotion takes lead.  I slowly fear that I find myself once again reaching my breaking point and barely hanging on.

I love my Mother and try my best to respect her, but she continues to be the same self-centered person she has always been and I find myself biting my tongue and working really hard at keeping the anger at bay.  I have come to understand that my parents are not nice aging parents.

I will also keep carving out my own little niche, a safe place, where its not so toxic.  I feel a little guilty about not spending all of my free time these days with my parents but there is so much combative, harassing torment I can take on any given day.  So I escape to work, to dating, to reading, to writing…I can get lost in the comfort of written words. I have learned how to protect myself better and stay insulated even if it means being alone.  I will no longer allow anyone to wreak havoc on my own mental health.  I am going to always be there for my Mom and step father, even my nephew if he ever needs me again; but the biggest difference is that I will keep moving forward with my own life.  The guilt abates – I know I have done so much and will continue to do everything I can and yet most importantly know when to take a step back before I reach the breaking point again to regroup. I am learning to protect myself first.  I am my very own best advocate.   Abraham Lincoln once said “whatever you are, be a good one”…so I continue on my journey of only good things… ♥


Crazy, Stupid, Love.

MMT…

So yet another long day…finally unwinding at home after two glasses of wine, trying not to think only mmt…more.  Watching the movie, “Crazy, Stupid, Love”.  And the quotes that resonate with me tonight are the following:

Cal Weaver: She was gorgeous. She was one of those women that could be wildly sexy and unbelievably cute all at the same time.

Cal Weaver: I’m sorry, Robbie. I can’t give you that. But I can promise you this, I will never stop trying. Because when you find the one, you never give up.

Love it.  And the song for tonight … ♥

Nina Simone – Black Is The Color Of My True Love’s Hair

Watch, listen, and be so lucky…

 

 

 


I want to be in love like in the movies…

…I have had it once before…holding out…
I ♥ the movie, “Sleepless in Seattle”…
Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: People who truly loved once are far more likely to love again. Sam, do you think there’s someone out there you could love as much as your wife?
Sam Baldwin: Well, Dr. Marcia Fieldstone, that’s hard to imagine.
Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: What are you going to do?
Sam Baldwin: Well, I’m gonna get out of bed every morning… breathe in and out all day long. Then, after a while I won’t have to remind myself to get out of bed every morning and breathe in and out… and, then after a while, I won’t have to think about how I had it great and perfect for a while.
Doctor Marcia Fieldstone: Tell me what was so special about your wife?
Sam Baldwin: Well, how long is your program? Well, it was a million tiny little things that, when you added them all up, they meant we were supposed to be together… and I knew it. I knew it the very first time I touched her. It was like coming home… only to no home I’d ever known… I was just taking her hand to help her out of a car and I knew. It was like… magic.

Stay true to your heart…♥


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