Trying really hard not to. Every time I get sick, start feeling overwhelmed, feeling sorry for myself, I push people away. I just can’t deal. Some people make it easy. My true friends give me the space I need but they won’t allow me to fully disappear. Thank goodness. I wish I could take back some things the past two weeks. But I guess we really don’t get do-overs, do we?!
Yes, a part of me understands why things had to happen this way. I understand the reasons for causing me this pain and anxiety . But mere understanding does not chase away the hurt nor pain. There are times when life suddenly casts a shadow before us: we suffer for sins we did not even commit, we go through situations we certainly do not deserve to be in. In such times, we have so many questions throbbing at the back of our minds, but the biggest of them all is “WHY?” “Why ME!?! Again…”
Pain = Pushed people away = Higher anxiety ~ Cycle?!
I have sadly learned that an answer is not really forthcoming. I know I will not hear answers to these questions; the pain remains, life stands still, and I can’t do anything but wait ‘til everything’s over, until I can move on again like I used to, when my body didn’t fail me and my heart wasn’t shattered yet into the thousand lonely pieces they broke into. Here is my most important question, and that is “HOW?”
How do I deal with my feelings of brokenness? How to continue moving forward? Where is my smile again? Like many people, I’ve been through dark and painful moments in my life as well, moments I wanted to skip, moments when what I really wanted the most is to have my own time machine so I can either go back where I was happy, or fast forward anywhere in the future where I can find myself again. But no machine like that has ever been invented yet, and the only way to move from the terrible place where I stand is to continue going through the dark tunnel ahead that will lead me towards the new beginning I’m looking forward to. *sigh* I know once I do what the doctors suggest, I will be back on my journey. But am I really ready?!
Sending an apology to my friends…out into the universe… I don’t mean to push you away.
I don’t have a fear of intimacy. I don’t fear someone seeing the real me (well maybe this minute since my eyes hurt from crying). I don’t fear someone might leave me. I don’t fear that I might get hurt. I recently met someone who I feel sabotaged their relationships, by allowing fear push people away. I felt like it was the good old, “I’m gonna get you before you get me” syndrome, where someone behaves poorly to drive the other person away or just flat out breaks-up for no real good reason. I have also seen people who sabotage themselves by consistently looking for things to fight about, to be jealous about or to be critical of.
But that’s not me – today I am admitting that I am pushing some people away because I have this inane belief that they can’t handle my life. My uncertainty. My getting sick. My honesty.
So I am trying so hard to find and hold onto…accept, challenge, patience, love, strength, don’t dwell, learn, pray, laugh, cry, believe…keep breathing…hoping…
I don’t plan too far ahead…too much expectation, too much disappointment, too much illusion. I tend to live from day to day. Mostly it’s from moment to moment…gets me to the next step. Pain is pain and suffering is suffering. There is no magic pill or any kind of painkiller that we can take to prevent us from feeling our hurts. We have to bear it head on and cling to the thought that things will definitely change for the better. “I have deep sorrow today, and an unclear vision of the future. But nobody ever died of loneliness – only of hopelessness! As long as I have hope, no problem is ever too difficult, no night ever so dark that it can prevent the rising of another day!”
Can joy still exist even in my sorrows?!
Yes – although right this second, as I write this I am not fully embracing this but I do believe that joy and sorrow can definitely exist at the same time. Someone deep down, I know I am going to get through this current hurdle. Somewhere in my heart, there is a chamber of joy that has remained intact, untouched, forever guiding me in me most troublesome days and paths. Faith, hope, loving myself…protects me and my happiness.
I didn’t realize the power of a secret I’ve been keeping. I didn’t notice the constant weight hanging on my shoulders. I didn’t realize the enormity of it all until I let it out today and now again via this post and I feel like I am slowly learning how to breathe again.
It’s nice to put trust into someone who speaks in “when’s” and not “if’s.” It’s nice to know that, despite how heavy and deep and painful a secret may be, there’s at least one person who’s willing to accept what you’ve told them and be honest when they tell you, “it’s not okay…but you’re going to be.” Thank you – you know who you are….my rock, my sanity. And ♥mm♥ is there too – even with September 11 fast approaching and my sadness hitting an all time high. Talk about timing!
I have allowed some wrong people in my life this year, as well as learning to cherish the right people. Still learning. I think I will continue to look at most things as though they are my first time, as though it will be my last. I will continue to pray, smile, and love!