In a Whirlwind of Stupidity…Moments of Clarity…

So it’s almost the end of June and I just realized that I tend to start dating in months that start with the  letter “J”…January…15 dates….so far, June has only seen me on one date….what will July bring?

I do find myself giddier this time around – maybe it’s because I am finally, really putting myself first.  I can’t wait to do so many things this summer that I wasn’t able to do the past few summers – go to the beach, go to Atlantic City, dine al fresco, have adult sleepovers (a girl can dream), lose those pesky 15 lbs, wear a skimpy two-piece bikini, smile until my face hurts…

I am determined to be more social – maybe actually attend a friend’s BBQ…I need to learn how to lose some of my inhibitions and rid myself of this social anxiety.

This past year, I have come to appreciate the power of truly loving myself. Most of my life, being alone was one of my biggest fears.  The past ten years, I found myself in two relationships for the wrong reasons and ended up settling in ill-fitting ‘partnerships’. Ever since I found true appreciation for myself, the quality of all of my relationships has been better. I have discovered that the more I loved and understood myself, the less I feared being by myself, and the healthier relationships I was able to attract into my life.

I started doing what I called “Dates with myself“.   I really do like my alone time – now I kind of force myself to schedule time with just me, myself and I.  I literally take myself out on a date and spend that time totally focused on myself – pampering myself –pedi, mani, massage, read a book – uninterrupted T time.  It’s my time. We spend so much time and energy focused on others that we forget to recharge the source of that energy.  It is only when you are well that you can have the energy and internal resources to make a positive difference and help others. This is a simple, yet powerful concept that can dramatically improve your wellbeing, effectiveness and mental health.

This is me…“I’ve spent most of my life and most of my friendships holding my breath and hoping that when people get close enough they won’t leave, and fearing that it’s a matter of time before they figure me out and go.” ― Shauna Niequist, Bittersweet

This I am learning…“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning.  You have to love. You have to feel.  It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” ― Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum LP

Some people bring out the worst in you, others bring out the best, and then there are those remarkably rare, addictive ones who just bring out the most of everything. They make you feel so alive that you’d follow them straight into hell, just to keep getting your fix.  Wow – I wonder if this is what I have been holding out for??

The secret isn’t to find someone you love spending time with, I love spending time with few people. The secret isn’t to find someone that you find attractive. I find a lot of people attractive for many different reasons. The secret isn’t to find someone who is nice; there are tons of nice people in the world. The secret is to find someone who wants exactly what you want. Someone who is ready to give you all they’ve got, and in turn be ready to accept all the love you have to give. The world is filled with people in relationship teeter-totters of “loves you more” + “I have to act mean so they will like me back” or “I am just not ready.” Please do not waste any more of your precious time. We are all amazing people. You deserve to be loved until your insides melt.  I know I do!  Don’t give up on all the things you want.  I know I won’t anymore.  When you meet the right person you will have zero doubt in your mind. Zero.

“When you are attracted to people, it’s because of the details. Their kindness. Their eyes. The fact that they can get you to laugh when you need it the most.”  – Jodi Picoult, Sing You Home

I think you could fall in love with anyone if you saw the parts of them no one else gets to see. Like if you followed them around invisibly for a day and saw them crying in their bed at night or singing in the shower or humming quietly to themselves as they make a sandwich or even just walking along the street. And even if they were really weird and had no friends, I think, after seeing them at their most vulnerable, you wouldn’t be able to help falling in love with them…I hope someone can see me at my most raw and accept me and all my quirkiness.

“I mean I got everything I need right here with me. I got air in my lungs, a few blank sheets of paper. I mean, I love waking up in the morning not knowing what’s gonna happen, or who I’m gonna meet, where I’m gonna wind up. I figure life is a gift and I don’t intend on wasting it. You don’t know what hand you’re gonna get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you, to make each day count.” (Jack Dawson, Titanic).

Life is all about taking chances. It’s about doing something you initially thought you could never do. It’s about being a little crazy, following your heart, and not worrying about every detail of what everyone else thinks. And above all, it’s about learning to love who you are, what you have, and what you want.

Happiness is a choice. For every minute you are angry or irritated, you lose 60 seconds of happiness. Be happy. Be yourself. If others don’t like it, then let them be. Life isn’t about pleasing everybody.

If you have the courage to admit when you’re scared, the ability to laugh even as you cry, the nerve to speak up, even if your voice is shaking, the confidence to ask for help when you need it, and the wisdom to take it when it’s offered, then you have everything you need to get yourself to a happier state of mind.

So I am gearing up for the next month of July…the month starting with the letter “J” where it may rekindle a relationship dilemma as I try to balance my innate need for security and my attraction to individual freedom. And although I know I can be quite obstinate at times in my unwillingness to compromise, I have to keep telling myself I don’t want to be alone.  So I am going to choose my battles carefully, and I bet I won’t need to sacrifice what is ultimately most important to me….ME…♥

So as I continue to find myself  in moments of absolute whirlwinds of stupidity…I will also cling to the absolute moments of clarity…

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About Teresita

I am a writer, a thinker, an introvert, work behind the scenes kind of person - I am of Puerto Rican blood, have an Italian soul, and a Berliner mind....just learning...♥ View all posts by Teresita

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