Today is the one year anniversary of the death of Osama Bin Laden…going into the City for work this morning, was disheartening…increased security is just a way of life these days – even ten years after 9/11. The rain just heightened my awreness of the real gloominess of the day and of my feelings. So apropos. I have tried so hard to put that day and the days after when the shock wore off behind me to no avail. My loss is as huge today as it was back then. There is not a minute that passes that I don’t think of ♥mm♥, my heart and my other friends lost to me that day. There is a hole in my heart that will never get filled. And most days I am okay with the ache that lingers. But listening to the news, seeing so many police, security, dealing with the train delays, just brings me to place where the tears just flow, my heart races, my hands shake, my head hurts…and I sit and wonder how I will get through the day. Minute by minute I focus on just my breathing. Trying to compose myself. I am at work, my fingers at the keyboard, and the words get typed, but my mind seems so unfocused. I need to write, right this minute, so I can somehow find the strength to get through the next hour without breaking down completely. Bittersweet. Always. While a great measure of justice has been achieved with the death of Osama Bin Laden, nothing will ever ease the pain and grief still deeply felt by those who lost loved ones on Sept. 11, 2001…I know, I feel, I hope.
When we experience woundings to our heart, soul and mind, it feels as if we have been torn open. Have we healed or just closed up with our anger, fear, resentment and doubt inside?
People always try to be polite and say time heals all wounds…but I truly know different. Time passes. It does not heal. Time does not heal. But healing does take time. Ah the gift of time…many years ago, I didn’t embrace that idea – but now I do. I know how precious time really is. I have allowed myself the gift of time – finally! In my journey to feel human, to feel whole again, to fully live and love life – I have learned that I have to remain open to the pain, open to the loss. The past few years, I have literally broken open, learned to freely express myself, not care what others think of me…and as a consequence, my heart has grown, even with the holes, and I have been able to experience more of life. As singer-songwriter Carly Simon tells us: “There’s more room in a broken heart.”