Monthly Archives: May 2012

My musings…

In the words of Andre Breton, “All my life, my heart has yearned for a thing I cannot name”…this is how I have been feeling…something so close, slightly unclear, out of reach, nearly in my grasp, but I can’t quite put my finger on it…continues to stretch away from me out of sight…*sigh*

Definitely a T rambling kind of night especially with the thunderstorm raging outside.  Ah the written word…Words make love with one another…

Learning that I need to let go…and that it is okay to fall in love again…it’s okay to believe in love again.  Nights like this definitely make me realize that I wish I had someone close, near me, to snuggle up with.

Seems I’ve been playing on the safe side
Building walls around my heart to save me,
But it’s time for me to let it go

Yeah, I’m ready to feel now
No longer am I afraid of the fall down
It must be time to move on now
Without the fear of how it might end
I guess I’m ready to love again – LADY ANTEBELLUM

“Ready To Love Again” – Lady Antebellum

Someday, I know I will completely forget the hurt, the many reasons I cried, and finally put those behind me who caused the pain.  I will finally realize that the secret of being free is not betrayal nor revenge, but letting things unfold in their own way and their own time. After all, what matters is not the first, but the last chapter of our lives; which shows how well we lived our lives.  So I am once again letting go of all my fears, giving myself permission to be happy, setting myself free…free to be me, and not be so afraid to fall in love again.

The only way to forget, to let go is to accept; and the only way to move on, is to keep looking ahead…looking for my sun on the cloudiest of days…peeking through just to make me smile.  I know it’s out there.

“…actions, speak louder…There’s some kind of storm brewing…Now that I’ve done my time, I need to move on and I need you to try
Cause we’re out of goodbyes…We’re out of goodbyes, we’re out of goodbyes…”

Maroon 5 ft. Lady Antebellum- Out Of Goodbyes


Raindrops are like my tears…falling…in my heart…

♥ Maybe raindrops are the bravest thing created by God. Want to know why?  They are never afraid of falling just like me and my tears…♥  So its raining, and I cry…cry from from sheer exhaustion, utter confusion, profound sadness…will to strive for better.

When it rains, most birds fly for shelter; but the eagle alone avoids the rain by flying above all the clouds.  Lesson to be learned:  We should be like the eagle and believe we can fly above the storm of life…it’s been a bad week…I need to find my inner eagle.

Sometimes we need to be hurt in order to grow.  We must lose in order to gain.  As, some lessons are learned best through pain…as the rain falls and allows the true beauty of spring time shine through…flowers bloom, petals glisten…

I am trying to focus on the good – even though the outside world might be raining, if you keep on smiling the sun will soon show its face and smile back at you…must keep faith!

Wise saying:  An umbrella can’t stop the rain, but can make us stand in the rain while it protects us from the rain. Confidence may not bring success, but it gives us the courage and power to face any challenges.

Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again ~ Alex Tan.

Sometimes it’s better to break down in tears and show your emotions than to keep it all inside and not tell a single soul.

I want, need, to believe that the happiest people are the ones who can say, “When all is going wrong, when the clouds get in the way, that a little unhappiness must balance the joys and that a bit of sadness has its place, too”.  These people know the balance of nature’s way…nothing grows where only the sun shines…

A lonely tear an Angel shed.
It fell to earth one day.
It touched upon a heart in pain,
And sent it on its way.
The love of others going on.
It’s hard, for those it leaves;
But spring time, brings the joy of promise.
And in quiet solitude, I shed many a lonely tear.

Sometimes what are being lived are the tears…I cry…cry with all the strength I have because with every tear, every tear is accompanied by a prayer into heaven…

Tears streaming down my face, falling down my cheeks, as my eyes burn, reflecting the pain of our last encounter…as I sit here and its raining sorrow and I just know I will remain awake until tomorrow. ♥mm♥

Ah raindrops keep falling…raindrops fall, pelting against the pavement, as tears continue to fall down my cheeks, melting away at my heart….♥

Something clever, wise, pithy and at times melancholy…Oh my!

I am feeling pithy and melancholy…Uh oh – probably not the best combination! But it’s yet another rainy, gloomy day and I am still beyond exhausted, feeling slightly less stupid. I am only responsible for what I say not for what others understand. Life is all about trusting our feelings, taking chances, losing and finding happiness, appreciating the memories and forgetting the past.

Best advice in two lines:

  1. Silence is the best answer for all questions.
  2. Smiling is the best reaction in all situations.

And…If you find yourself trapped between your own feelings and what others think is right, always go for whatever makes you happy unless you want everybody to be happy except you.  Trust me – I learned this a little too late in life.

There’s always a little truth behind every ‘just kidding’…

A little curiosity behind every ‘just wondering’

A little emotion behind every ‘I don’t care’

A little knowledge behind every ‘I don’t know’

A little love behind every ‘I hate you’

A little I need you behind every ‘leave me alone’

And a little pain behind every ‘its ok’…

With Memorial weekend fast approaching and summer right around the corner – I am working hard on not gaining weight, just knowledge….♥

Never forget the three powerful resources you always have available to you;  love, prayer and forgiveness.

Received a new Blackberry Bold 4G at work and wow its takes great clear pictures….Let’s all treat life as a class in photography…

Capture every moment,

Enjoy each shot

Don’t miss a frame,

Identify what went wrong and get better with the next shot,

Develop the negative into something beautiful

Life offers a lot of things and challenges…enjoy it!

Remember finding peace is not about being in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work; it means to be in the midst of these things and still remaining calm in our hearts…♥

T needs to toughen up!

Ever feel like a failure at work, at life in general?   *sigh*  This second, this past week and weekend, already spilling into this new week – sadly this is how I feel.  I had to work late each day last week all through the weekend, and I was not able to be as successfully productive and effective as I would have liked.

I am in the midst of yet an equally busy week. But I am so exhausted.  Being sickly, trying to work a full-time job is so much harder than I ever imagined.  But I am hopeful…I will keep trying to rise in life and at work even when I feel like a failure.

In the fall of 2001, when life knocked me down to my knees and I lost everything – I was so lost, I felt like a complete failure. What I learned was that by making a decision to rise above any and all circumstances, backed with the strongest inner vision of true heartfelt purpose, one day at a time, one moment at a time, I continue to be able to transform my entire life.

Overcoming adversity is something I no longer feel like a complete failure at – I just have to somehow apply this to my everyday life.  I am still learning that….no experience is a failure.  I am not a failure simply because I have yet to achieve all that I desire.  Experience is definitely a good teacher – as long  as I am open to change.  I believe that the fateful twists of life amid our tragedies are what bring us our greatest strength and wisdom.  Trying not to judge myself as a failure simply because I have not yet succeeded at so many things.  I believe my time has come…I am deserving to have all of my desires and joys manifested.   With resolve, understanding, faith and decisiveness, I am slowly creating the life I want and desire.  I just need to STOP buying into the false belief that I am “less than” any other person.  Working on not comparing myself to no one; but to gain inspiration from the few who have shared their pain and have overcome their own darkest hours.  I am learning that the only difference between them and me is a stable support system, and an inner resolve, a decision backed with sheer will, vision, determination, and consistency.

“Winners never quit and quitters never win”….It’s an old saying that I’m sure you’ve heard many times before.  But just how much truth is behind those words?  When and how do you know if it’s the right choice to cut and run and throw in the towel?

You are never ever going to follow every single path you begin to it’s end destination.  You change. Your life changes. Your goals constantly change.   Every step that you take, causes you to grow and stretch beyond your current boundaries. Sometimes those changes will almost predetermine your need to give in and throw in that towel in certain areas.

It’s not a failure to give in.  It’s a courageous act, too often unrecognized.

Decisions are tough, and the bigger attachment you have to the outcome the tougher they can be. Be honest in your assessment.  You can play head-games forever and  justify your argument no matter which side of the coin you’re backing.  I need to believe that we all  struggle with throwing in the towel, second guessing ourselves becomes part of our nature.

On my journey….learning to toughen up!!!  ♥

♥ Mondays…who knew?!

I never thought I would be so happy for Monday to come around.  This weekend was rough.  I am tired.  TIRED.  I am tired of unbalanced relationships.  I am hurt.  HURT.

I guess I was brought up to be invisible; taught to be very tuned into others’ feelings and needs, but to never have any of my own.  For years, I have felt that as a person, I didn’t really exist, other than to be there for others.  No more.

In the past, when I had feelings and needs, I would tell myself that they weren’t important; that I was strong and could handle not having my feelings cared about or my needs understood. I convinced myself that if I just cared enough about others, others would eventually care about me.  Well, it never happened…

It’s taken a toll.  The inner stress of never attending to my own feelings and needs and always feeling so invisible to others as a result finally took a toll on my health.  Because of this, I am FINALLY really tending to myself.

Tired of feeling unappreciated, unseen, not valued.  I understand why this has happened…and how much of this is a reflection of how I have treated myself in the past.

Since my own feelings and needs were shut down and invisible to myself, of course they ended up being invisible to others.  I have finally learned that it is not realistic to constantly put myself aside and then expect others to value and respect me.

Anytime you tolerate uncaring or disrespectful behavior in others to avoid conflict, you are training others to see you as invisible, to not care about your feelings and needs.  If you have been allowing yourself to be invisible for a long time, it is a real challenge to start to care about yourself.

So here I am…I am now going through a difficult period of feeling others’ anger and resentment.  I allowed others for years to not have to care about me, and now I am changing the rules.  And I no longer care who doesn’t like it.  I am learning who really cares about me and who has just been using me.

It takes great courage to shift from invisibility to being seen and valued.  It takes great courage to be willing to lose others rather than continue to lose myself.  I am not losing myself ever again.  I hope that others won’t wait so long, until you are ill or feel alone and cast aside by others to start to practice this loving yourself and become visible to yourself.

It starts with ME – with learning to tune into, acknowledge, value, and take loving action for myself regarding my own feelings and needs. It means moving into personal responsibility for my own feelings and needs rather than taking care of everyone else in the hopes they will eventually take care of you.  If you are ever going to feel cared for and loved, it has to start with you caring about and being loving to yourself!

No more friendships or relationships that are one-sided, tired of people who become too busy at the last moment, unable to devote the same amount of time to the relationship.  All relationships take effort, two people willing to make time, etc.  No longer will I be that one person who repeatedly calls, texts or emails to get a response from another.  Tired of people who only think of me, or reach out to me, when they need a favor or something.  Tired of being at the whim of another in terms of plans, frequency of get-togethers, and activities.  Just tired.

So….alone I am….I have stopped spending time with the wrong people.  Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you.  If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you.  You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot.  Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth.  And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.   ♥

Happy Mothering Day!!

Sure it may be Mother’s Day but I prefer to call it Mothering Day.   I think we all have it in us to be mothering – nurturers of dreams, of beauty and of love.   I am so conflicted today.  My Mother is still alive, but I am choosing not to spend any real time with her nor with my sisters.  I am trying to remain in a good place and all my mother does is put me down.  So many of her comments to me, rip me to shreds, especially on days like this:   “Real women have children”,  “God didn’t think you were special enough to give you children”.  For years, I felt like a failure because I could not have children.  It still hurts.  But I have learned through the years that giving birth does not make someone a mother.  And I have learned that I no longer need my Mother’s approval.  I choose to no longer deal with the drama.

For years, I took to volunteering for children, tried spoiling my nieces and nephew because it filled a void in me.  The neighborhood kids love me – well mainly because of my cute Chili dog.  But I love to see the little faces light up and the things they say – wow – funny.  Sure I may have missed out on a lot by not being able to have my own child, but I know that I have been emotionally touched by so many more children and I hope I have made a difference in one.

Mother — Chef — Chauffeur — Employee — Nurse — Coach — Cheerleader — Tutor — Maid — Secretary — Friend — Happy Mother’s Day to all the women who wear many hats — which explains why we need so many shoes!  🙂
I  know so many great women, Mothers, who never fail to be kind and thoughtful, encouraging and supportive honest and generous… I have been blessed with great friends, great role models.  They have touched this world with kindness and love in everything they do.
So I am learning through them on how to be a woman who knows the secret to happiness…be proud of what you have to give, give with all your love and love with all your heart.
So Happy Mothering Day to all of you women out there, whether you have given birth or not, you are all mothers – let’s continue on this journey paved with gentleness, unwavering faith, forgiving nature, constant love and support.  I know I will….♥

Elusive or sustainable…happiness…WE CAN DECIDE!

“Cherish this moment, for happiness is elusive”…how many of us really believe that happiness is elusive?  I used to believe this…I am slowly realizing that we can learn to sustain our happiness.

Okay – so we can’t beg for it or buy it or even barter for it.  We can however create it and better yet sustain it.  By deciding to be happier, making it a priority – happiness won’t be so elusive.   The old adage, “people are about as happy as they make up their minds to be” is true.  Choose to live a life of happiness.  When you are not ask yourself why and begin to erase the unhappiness.  For me sometimes all it takes is a really good piece of chocolate, a nice pinot noir and some music – can turn my day around.

Learn to be present in the here and now.  Placing emphasis and attention on the past and the future makes it impossible for us to fully experience this moment right now. One way to remind yourself to be present is to take a deep breath any time you notice you are worrying about the future or experiencing regret about the past. Yesterday is your history, the future is a mystery.  The here and now, this moment is life’s true present to ourselves.

Take responsibility for your thoughts and feelings.  Learn to communicate honestly about what you want, expect.    Do not wait for people to make you sweet offers; do not fall into the trap of assuming people should know what you want.   Learn to be less judgmental of ourselves and others.
I am finally learning that I deserve to live the life I want to live.  But in doing so, I also have to allow other people the ability to live the life they choose without judgment and criticism. We can only control our life, putting our attention on how other people ought to live their lives will cause us nothing but disappointment and frustration.

I have stopped worrying what other people think of me.  My opinion of my life is the only one that matters.  I will never make everyone happy – so I choose me.  One way to stop judging others is to stop thinking about what other people think of you. Trying to live up to other people’s expectations is hard, never ending work. This is your life. You are the only one who has to approve of how you live it.

Happiness is less elusive than you might think. It is also contagious. One way to be happy is to be with happy people.  Smile more.  Seriously do the things that make you happy – worth repeating:  chocolate, wine…lol

“If you let go a little, you will have a little happiness. If you let go a lot, you will have a lot of happiness. And if you let go completely, you will be completely happy.” ~Ajahn Chah

I won’t lie – it has taken me many tears and years to find happiness that is not so fleeting.  I used to experience some very high and low moments.  So many moments of complete happiness, bliss, peace, and then it used to just dissipate without notice.  Boom!  Like when on vacation, then coming back home!   I started to spend more time by myself, writing, and exploring what was really going on with me – deep inside.  Mainly asking myself:  Is it because I can’t focus that I experience a deflation in my mood? Do I become bored too easily? Or maybe I have lack of patience that often leads to dissatisfaction?

Several pages later, I arrived at: I can focus; but I am impatient, so I involve myself in multiple projects and events to even out the pace.  When one project or event ends, I fully dive into the next to prevent boredom.  During this gap of engagement, my mood shifts.

I used to work only part-time, many temporary consulting positions just for these reasons.  I found comfort in moving around, connecting, accomplishing, engaging, clinging.

After many days, months of soul searching, I learned that I cling.  I realized that many of my mood dips, the occasional creeping feelings of dissatisfaction resulted from my clinging – clinging to past accomplishments, the next stimulating thing, the next anything in the future.   I would bet that many of us, at some point in our daily lives, find ourselves clinging:

  • We cling to old habits.
  • We cling to daily comforts.
  • We cling to pleasing others.
  • We cling to the next vacation.
  • We cling to a stubborn attitude.
  • We cling to the love in a relationship.
  • We cling to a perfection of how we should be.
  • We cling to the security of a paycheck.
  • We cling to memories of the past.
  • We cling to the someday: the someday of when we reach retirement, or when we win the lottery, or when we get that awesome job, or when something uncomfortable in our life passes.


Often our clinging is to satisfy our ego—an attachment to prove to ourselves and the world that we are good enough.  To prove that we are worthy.  To prove that we are somebody special.  We each want to be heard, loved, and appreciated. So we attach ourselves to the needs of those feelings and, in turn, we seek out fulfillment by clinging to external outcomes.   I know in the past, I found myself clinging to the comfort of an unhealthy relationship because of some false belief that I did not deserve better.   I have seen many people cling to over-committing at the office because they don’t fully enjoy their life outside their careers.  Many cling to other people’s opinion or approval because we have not tuned into what we truly want.   Most common, I believe is how we tend to cling to old habits because of the fear of the unknown and change.

Each day we have the decision to choose the constant of peace or the erratic peaks and valleys of satisfaction and dissatisfaction.

Once I recognized that I was clinging, I began to reflect on memories of when I experienced true happiness.  I found, in each these moments, there was neither attachment nor expectation.  I was, simply, fully submerged in the present – completely surrendered to the moment, the present.  Clinging disconnects us from being here. When our mind clings to replaying the stories of the past or worrying about the future, we wander, and wander further away from the present, further away from happiness.

Clinging detaches us from our ability to live freely. It removes us from the flow of creativity and flexibility. When we box ourselves in with expectations of a plan, we distract ourselves from seeing a grander picture. When we cling to expectations of people, desires, and situations, we become shortsighted.

I plan on sustaining my happiness by accepting that happiness is an ongoing practice.  It is a conscious choice.  I’m learning to spend more time here in the moment, while reminding myself that happiness is a choice: I can choose to cling less to the past.  I can choose to wander less to the future. I can choose to marvel more in the present.

Be happy…live wisely.  ♥

If Then Statement…


I love you so much


I am afraid to reach out to you fully


Your rejection would be more than I can handle


Who do I really love?

You or Myself…


Exploring the meaning of healing through loss…Time does NOT heal all wounds…

Today is the one year anniversary of the death of Osama Bin Laden…going into the City for work this morning, was disheartening…increased security is just a way of life these days – even ten years after 9/11.   The rain just heightened my awreness of the real gloominess of the day and of my feelings.  So apropos.  I have tried so hard to put that day and the days after when the shock wore off behind me to no avail.  My loss is as huge today as it was back then.  There is not a minute that passes that I don’t think of  ♥mm♥, my heart and my other friends lost to me that day.  There is a hole in my heart that will never get filled.  And most days I am okay with the ache that lingers.  But listening to the news, seeing so many police, security, dealing with the train delays, just brings me to place where the tears just flow, my heart races, my hands shake, my head hurts…and I sit and wonder how I will get through the day.   Minute by minute I focus on just my breathing.  Trying to compose myself.  I am at work, my fingers at the keyboard, and the words get typed, but my mind seems so unfocused.  I need to write, right this minute, so I can somehow find the strength to get through the next hour without breaking down completely.  Bittersweet.  Always.  While a great measure of justice has been achieved with the death of Osama Bin Laden, nothing will ever ease the pain and grief still deeply felt by those who lost loved ones on Sept. 11, 2001…I know, I feel, I hope.

When we experience woundings to our heart, soul and mind, it feels as if we have been torn open.  Have we healed or just closed up with our anger, fear, resentment and doubt inside?

People always try to be polite and say time heals all wounds…but I truly know different.   Time passes.  It does not heal.  Time does not heal. But healing does take time.   Ah the gift of time…many years ago, I didn’t embrace that idea – but now I do.  I know how precious time really is.   I have allowed myself the gift of time – finally!    In my journey to feel human, to feel whole again, to fully live and love life – I have learned that I have to remain open to the pain, open to the loss.  The past few years, I have literally broken open, learned to freely express myself, not care what others think of me…and as a consequence, my heart has grown, even with the holes, and I have been able to experience more of life.  As singer-songwriter Carly Simon tells us:  “There’s more room in a broken heart.”

I don’t get close to too many people…so many nice people want to be my friend but I only allow them on the periphery.  Trying to change;  to be less closed off.   I have lost so many people who I loved with all my heart.  I am so afrraid to get close to someone again only to lose them.  Not sure if I can deal with that loss again.  So I have very few real friends.   But I know I will never completely shut down again, not completely close off.  I am in a constant struggle each day to try and put myself out there in the real world and smile, talk to others, maybe fall in love again.  I would love fall in love again…not just with the ideal of love, no longer comparing it to what I have lost.
But it all feels so elusive…
I can’t forget the sound of his voice,
The loving hand he extended so easily,
I can’t forget the dark beautiful sea of his eyes,
The bottom of them now shines my pain.
How long do I…wait for the sun to warm me again?
How long do I… find his love again?
I can almost hear him whisper, “Do not wait”
As I pray, “Pleaase do not fully leave me.”
All in time…
I know I will I find you in time.
Do not talk.
Do not seek.
I am forever lost in his kiss….in the promise.
Some things I can no longer avoid….♥mm♥

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