Monthly Archives: March 2012

“Everyone comes in and out of your life at certain times for a reason.”

Wow – I feel like I have not written a word in months…been busy quitting a job, looking for full time work, trying to pay bills, stay above water, fighting back depression, trying to stay positive, reconnecting with an old friend, trying to maintain my new friendships, trying to get in shape for summer….*sigh* …its no wonder I am exhausted.

I found a new job.  Its Friday, so I survived the full week.  Made actual dinner plans for Saturday night.  Joined a gym.  *yikes*  A lot of change for me in a short period of time.  Learning to relax and just go with it….so far so good.  Two of my favorite things about growing older are the lessons that you learn and passing that advice onto others, if lucky.  As I was sitting on the train this morning, relaxing and not really thinking about anything in particular.  All of a sudden, the phrase crossed my mind, “Everyone comes in and out of your life at certain times for a reason.”

A beautiful young lady, who I spoken to a couple of times on the phone, and just met in person late last week, wrote the most wonderful thing to me that has stayed with me for the entire week, and I need to share:

Hi Tere,

It was really so great speaking to you earlier. I have to say, my favorite part of this job, is occasionally I speak to someone who really touches my heart.

Even though we have not met yet, I find such similarities in our stories. Even though we might be a few years apart in age. It really sounds like you have come through a lot and are excited about a new future! …. I know you are going to love the club. Anything I can do to help you enjoy this experience more, I would love to help.

Words, simple at best, just stirred something real deep within me.  A wonderful man who I had the good fortune to work with at my last consulting gig for a few months, provided me with such a fantastic reference that I know its partly due to him, I landed my new job so quickly.  He helped me re-write my resume, always had words of wisdom, encouragement.  I am blessed to have met him.  He sent me a note(s) that stated:

CONGRATULATIONS!…how fast you landed is indicative of your value, competency, capability and presentability.  The market has spoken and rewarded you!  I always say “Cream rises to the top”…I want to share my good fortune at work and for meeting such a spark of life and wonderful person as yourself…The new place will quickly appreciate your skills, common sense touch and work ethic.

I wonder if my friend, former colleague, knows the profound difference he has made in my life?  I am starting over.  And in doing so have learned that sometimes its all the little things that amount to something great.  And being grateful, surrounding ourselves with positive people, gets us through the next hurdle.

“Everyone comes in and out of your life at a certain time for a reason”

This phrase  can be applied to friends, family members, co-workers, partners, neighbors, grocery store cashiers, complete strangers, etc. Every single person you meet or have a relationship with is placed in your life for a greater purpose. The lessons that you learn from that person are meant to help your soul grow and develop.  Think about some of the influential people that you have known in your life.  Sometimes people come into your life and you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or to help you figure out who you are or who you want to become.  And sometimes things happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, and unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming those obstacles you would have never realized your potential, strength, willpower, or heart.

*Everything happens for a reason.*

Nothing happens by chance or by means of good luck.

Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness, and sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul.  Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight, flat road to nowhere. It would be safe and comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless.

The people you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience, help to create who you are and who you become. Even the bad experiences can be learned from.  In fact, they are probably the most poignant and important ones.

Sometimes I wonder why a particular person is in my life. Sometimes I can pinpoint what I think the reason is, but I also believe that there is an even grander reason that I cannot see at this time in my life. I like to think that the Universe and God have a larger plan than any of us humans can imagine. Have you ever wanted something so badly only to not have your wish come true? Then, something even better than what you had wished for somehow ended up happening. That is how I view life. I can’t understand how or why things happen, but I have faith and hope that everything happens for a greater reason. That’s part of the reason why I believe that people come in and out of our life for a reason…and why some are just meant to stay forever, even if just in our hearts.   This is my life…♥

Learning…letting go…

Learning that the only way I am going to get what I really want, is to fully let go of what I no longer want…moving forward…I cannot move forward if I continue to hold on to what’s behind me.  It’s time to let go so that I will have both hands open to grab a hold of the future…my future.

Letting go…still thankful for the experiences that made me laugh, those that made me cry, and made me grow.   Moving forward into the future is about all that I have, all that I had, and all that I will soon gain.  Letting go is having the courage to accept change, and the strength to keep moving.  Letting go is growing up.  Letting go is me opening a door, and clearing a path and setting myself free…

Beginning to appreciate this new life of mine.  I have been through the greatest heartache.  Learning that after all the setbacks, a new ME has emerged…someone stronger than before.  ♥

Missing home…

I can’t believe that after losing my mm♥ almost 11 years ago, he is still the only wish and present I want for my birthday…one I know I never will have again.  Nothing feels the same without him.  I try.  But…his smile, his words…linger…

I can still hear the way he used to say my name.  Most days even my friends can’t tell my laughter from my cries.

It doesn’t matter how many times you’ve been somewhere with someone new trying to replace the past that’s attached to it, or how many times you wear something over and over again trying to rid it of a scent that still seems to live in it, or how many days, years, months or seasons go by – there will always seem to be that one memory much stronger than the rest that your heart will remember the most.  I can’t stop wandering sometimes, remembering the ways he used to laugh and make me smile.  I still smile at the thought of it.  Hurts – his face seems to be fading from my eyes.  I can’t let him fully disappear.  I want to remember his laugh, his voice, his scent…

Ah time…so fleeting, so unbending… has changed nothing at all…my mm♥ is still the only one that feels like home.  I’ve tried moving forward, and at times, I feel like I have let go…but he is still the only one that feels like home. *sigh*

So this is it, the feelings that I’ve missed.  A subtle kind of pain that keeps me from sleep.  Sleep…time…elusive…

I create my world…

So I stopped working more than a week ago.  And I have been scared for financial and stability reasons, but honestly I have been more relieved and stress-free.   Needless tolerations can bleed you dry of energy and make it impossible for you to function effectively.  That is where I was when I was working.  You can’t live a happy, successful, fulfilling life if you’re spending all your energy tolerating things that shouldn’t be tolerated.  Sometimes you need to put your foot down….so I did…

Maybe the way we feel isn’t supposed to be logical, to be rational. Maybe it’s okay to be unsure and scared. Maybe we lose so we learn to let go, and maybe we leave in order to grow.  Maybe some things aren’t supposed to make sense. Maybe you have to take risks to get what you deserve.  Maybe we shouldn’t underestimate our potential. Maybe we shouldn’t set limitations or boundaries. Maybe life is divine chaos. Maybe it’s okay to love ourselves. Maybe we don’t need everything we want. Maybe we shouldn’t fear the unknown, but embrace it, learn from it. Maybe someone can exceed your expectations. Maybe we can control our destinies after all. Maybe we have to fight for what we believe in. Maybe, just maybe, we should stop second guessing ourselves and just jump in.

I am learning that all the happiness and success I seek, and will ever find lies within me…So I am beginning and learning how to create my own world…Live by choice, not by chance.  Make changes, not excuses.  Be motivated, not manipulated.  Work to excel, not compete.  Listen to your own inner voice, not the jumbled opinions of everyone else.  This is how I plan on moving forward, growing into the best version of ME.

I know that life isn’t long, but it certainly is WIDE – and so I love the idea of exposing myself to as much of it as possible – and as such, I think that curiosity, interest, and passion go a long way.  And I am content to walk a little slower, because there is nowhere that I really need to be. I find that life is easier when it is just a blur, with no details to confuse who or what or where I was.

“I mean, I got everything I need right here with me. I got air in my lungs, a few blank sheets of paper. I mean, I love waking up in the morning not knowing what’s gonna happen, or who I’m gonna meet, where I’m gonna wind up. I figure life is a gift and I don’t intend on wasting it. You don’t know what hand you’re gonna get dealt next. You learn to take life as it comes at you, to make each day count.”

Life is all about taking chances.  It’s about doing something you initially thought you could never do.  It’s about being a little crazy, following your heart, and not worrying about every detail of what everyone else thinks.  And above all, it’s about learning to love who you are and what you have.

Happiness is a choice.  For every minute you are angry or irritated, you lose 60 seconds of happiness.  Be happy.  Be yourself.  If others don’t like it, then let them be.  Life isn’t about pleasing everybody.

If you have the courage to admit when you’re scared, the ability to laugh even as you cry, the nerve to speak up, even if your voice is shaking, the confidence to ask for help when you need it, and the wisdom to take it when it’s offered, then you have everything you need to get yourself to a happier state of mind…and this is where I find myself at 5am – another sleepless night.

“Most folks are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.”  – Abraham Lincoln

“Dreaming With A Broken Heart”

“Dreaming With A Broken Heart”

John Mayer ‘Dreaming With A Broken Heart’

When you’re dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was he really here? 
Is he standing in my room?
No he’s not, ’cause he’s gone, gone, gone, gone, gone….

When you’re dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
He takes you in with your crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No he can’t, ’cause he’s gone, gone, gone, gone, gone….


Now do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Do I have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?
Baby won’t you get them if I did?
No you won’t, ’cause you’re gone, gone, gone, gone, gone….

When you’re dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part…


(PS – took liberty with the lyrics above – Changed “she” to he…)

Sometimes its not about the attitude…its about character…

Robert Schuller – Clergyman, once said, “Always look at what you have left. Never look at what you have lost.”  But when I do this, all I find are shattered pieces of my heart, too many whisperings in my head, and so much doubt to fill an ocean.  I have learned that it’s not what you have lost, it’s what you have learned because of it.  Sometimes, if you are lucky, it’s not about what you lose, but what you find…

Character is what you have left when you’ve lost everything you can lose.  I truly believe that it’s okay to be lost and confused at times.

Every day I am crumbling more apart and yet falling more together all at the same time.  It’s when I am most lost and confused, that I hold onto one truth – it really is okay to be lost.  It’s okay to let go of needing all the answers.  And you know what?  It’s not going to kill you— in fact, it just might bring you to life.  It does for me…♥

Being Alone – By Choice…

Solitude needed for this restless mind…Never be afraid to sit awhile and think.  It is in the stillness, alone, that I know who I am, and how unique I am…embraced it.

”It is in solitude that we discover that being is more important than having and that we are worth more than the results of our efforts. In solitude we discover that our life is not a possession to be defended, but a gift to be shared.”–William Faulkner

”What a lovely surprise to finally discover how unlonely being alone can be.” –Ellen Burstyn

”There is a difference between loneliness and being alone; there is a choice of mind in being alone, but loneliness comes up through the heart and into the throat.” –William Faulkner

As Faulkner wrote, ”…there is a choice of mind in being alone.”  Is it time for you/me to make that choice?

Many people confuse being alone with being lonely.  Not me.  Loneliness is the poverty of self; solitude is the richness of self.

In the words of Ralph Waldo Emerson, “What I must do is all that concerns me, not what the people think. This rule, equally arduous in actual and intellectual life, may serve for the whole distinction between greatness and meanness. It is the harder, because you will always find those who think they know what is your duty better than you know it. It is easy in the world to live after the world’s opinion; it is easy in solitude to live after our own; but the great person is one who in the midst of the crowd keeps with perfect sweetness the independence of solitude.”

Just saying…♥

A daring, baring sleepless soul.

I imagine conversations….words we should have spoken…unspoken words keep me awake.  Words kept in the head are like voices underwater.  They are distorted.

Insomnia…sleep eludes me…

The things about life that I’ve learned is that you’re going to get hurt. You’re going to have emotional nights and cry yourself to sleep for hours. You’re going to suffer some kind of heartbreak, some kind of loss. But you will also have those moments where you heal. Those moments are the best. You feel like you smile for the first time again. You feel like you’re alive again. Life just kinda restarts.

Smile, laugh, forgive, believe, and love, all over again.

The moon will illuminate my room soon and I will be consumed with more doom…see need sleep – beginning to rhyme.

Never growing up.

Never going to sleep.

Its taken me the last ten years to fully understand that home is a person…and I lost that home, perished one sunny morning.  It’s no wonder I have been roaming for so long.

Dear Tummy, sorry for all the butterflies. Dear Pillow, sorry for all the tears. Dear Heart, sorry for the damage. Dear Brain, you were right.

I may sometimes feel alone when I am lying in bed, or cry myself to a fitful sleep…but in my awake dreams I hold onto the thoughts that linger constantly on the edges of sleep – that my heart belongs to someone taken from me too soon and to someone I have yet to meet…and sometimes I don’t feel so alone in bed and many times I feel loved.  ♥

I wonder if anyone thinks of me as they fall asleep…

I am not afraid of the dark…I am scared to be alone with my thoughts and what the darkness brings…

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