When you have lost your faith and freedom for years, you get this incredible urge to cut away all the fears and expectations – and just experience life for all its worth. I want to believe that I am open…open to whether you want to hurt me, or love me…I don’t care. I just don’t want to hear that I have to wait, that I can’t, or shouldn’t…I just want to LIVE – live without boundaries…
I don’t expect anyone to ever fully understand what I am going through, what I am feeling. You know what losing someone that I loved deeply has taught me? That it takes a brush with death to get your priorities in order. And then one day if you are lucky, you wake up and realize it was worth every minute of pain that you had to endure…just to learn how to live again. That is where I am at – learning how to live again.
I vowed to never again allow anyone or anything get me so down, so lost that I had to second guess everything – but lately that is how I am feeling. I can be surrounded by people lately, yet I feel alone.
When we’re after more out of life, when we’re looking for the depth and satisfaction few even know exist, sometimes the disappointment is as deep, as the joy. I know many who have not realized this yet. But I can’t just lie down and give up. I know the real satisfaction comes from trying, from living to the fullest.
I have this knack of making the simple complicated, analyzing things right out of existence, ending them before they begin. I don’t know how to sit back and watch life unfold. Learning how to let all this passion of mine come out of me. Trying to be more carefree…every day is precious. Tired of living in anxiety, anticipating but never quite reaching out. Its like I have been moving to a tune in my head, yet I remain motionless in so many ways. I am hoping that I have the time and patience to keep drawing myself out there…out of my comfort zone.