Monthly Archives: February 2012

Little Too Much…

Sometimes it hits like a car crash,
And its too late too reverse
Sometimes you make me a better person,
Sometimes you bring out the worst

Sometimes we get on like fire
Sometimes we stopping like rain
Just when I think that its over,over
You wave a white flag again

We fall out then we fall back in
We’re always back where we begin

Everybody hurts just a little too much
Everybody hurts but its never enough
Its wonderful to fall
Let’s love and risk it all
I’d rather love just a little too much

Sometimes we’re trapped in a circle
’till we’re digging holes in the ground
We try but nothing is working
but still I want you around

Cause if I’m lost in the desert
I know somehow you’ll find me
And if i drive in the ocean, you’ll be
The first to rescue me

Everybody hurts just a little too much
Everybody hurts but its never enough
Its wonderful to fall
Let’s love and risk it all
I’d rather love just a little too much


Everybody hurts just a little too much
Everybody hurts but its never enough

We fall out then we fall back in
We’re always back where we begin

Everybody hurts just a little too much
Everybody hurts but its never enough
Its wonderful to fall
Let’s love and risk it all
Even if it hurts a little too much
I’d rather love just a little too much

Natasha Bedingfield – Little Too Much

One Week

When you get those rare moments of clarity, those flashes when the universe makes sense, you try desperately to hold on to them.  They are the life boats for the darker times, when the vastness of it all, the incomprehensible nature of life is completely illusive.  So the question becomes, or should have been all a long… What would you do if you knew you only had one day, or one week, or one month to live.  What life boat would you grab on to?  What secret would you tell?  What band would you see?  What person would you declare your love to?  What wish would you fulfil? What exotic locale would you fly to for coffee? What book would you write?

“To strive, to seek, to find, and not to yield.”  ♥

Pacifist’s Anthem – The Sunparlour Players


I don’t fight, I don’t steal

I might believe in things that you don’t think are real

I know my wrong, I can learn to fight

I keep my heart on the outside, so it can see more light (see more light)

I killed for the rich, I bled for gold

I ignored all the babies, the sick, the weak, and the old

Time…Friday afternoon rambling thoughts…

Time seems like such a game…

I wish there was a magic button I could press that would freeze time when I need it the most.

Oblivious to the world…

I want the feeling of me to linger with you…

Some people will tell you that slow is good – but I’m here to tell you that fast is better. I’ve always believed this, in spite of the trouble it’s caused me.  Being shot out of a cannon will always be better than being squeezed out of a tube.  Just saying…

Some things don’t last forever, but then again, some things do.  Like a good song, a good book, or a good memory…you can take them out, close your eyes, breathe in, relive the moments — let them out in your darkest of moments…

“’You’re beautiful and sad,’ I said finally, not looking at him when I did.  ‘Just like your eyes. You’re like a song I heard when I was a little kid but forgot I knew until I heard it again.’” (M. Stiefvater)


“Forget love…I’d rather fall in chocolate!”

During my work “research” I came across this great post – tried to re-post it but didn’t know how so I am attempting to copy and paste…Where is the tech geek, now?!  *sigh*


From Neon to Goddess

Posted on May 15, 2011 by
 Sex, Art & Chocolate.

Sex as the physical manifestation of Love.
Art as the embodiment of Beauty.
Chocolate as the power of Pleasure.

Who needs more? Maybe you, but me not much more!

My neon reminds me everyday that these are the things that I thrive for.

And it is with the latter that I recently feel in love.  Yet again, I hear you say!.

Her name is Red Thalhammer and she created ANTIDOTE, a brand of Chocolate that celebrates Raw Cocoa in it’s purest form + other powerful plants “that can infuse joy, relief and strength into any situation, anywhere, for any generation.”

And it’s an wickedly good chocolate bar…

First and foremost, it tastes delicious, delightful and delectable and I’m Chocolate SNOB! I make no excuse for it but don’t ever think of giving me some sweet & milky stuff.  I literally import my own chocolate from Belgium in my suitcases each time I go home. PLEASURE!
Second, Antidote are beautifully packaged enough to be gifts: BEAUTY.

Each flavor is named after a Greek goddess. You want to know the ones I chose?
HybrisThe Goddess of Reckless Pride and Insolence, with mango and juniper berries. With her outrageaous behavior, Hybris is the antidote to fear and insecurity.
and  KakiaWicked Greek Goddess of Vice: Seductive and passionate, Kakia’s zest is the antidote to passive attitude. Her spirit comes alive with intense hibiscus flowers and andean blueberries.

I am happy to report, that whatever fears and passivity I had left are now fully dissolved. Be prepared for more fearless and bold pictures on SIF!

Why Greek goddess? Red’s answer is simple:
“Chocolate offers relief from drama.
It is a powerful treat for weak moments. Cocoa is extremely powerful and nutrient rich, which makes it a natural antidote to the stresses of everyday life. Antidote is also a remedy to low-quality chocolate that has too much sugar or milk. Cocoa has been called food of the gods. Antidote is the food of goddesses in celebration of female power.

Lastly, “Cacao releases the same hormones the body releases in response to romance, the one that makes us feel good, emotionally stable and calm. Endorphins make us feel enthusiastic and powerful.” LOVE

From neon to goddess, manifestation is quite a powerful tool and I am fulfilled!


Where to find your Antidote:

Let there be light…

It is Wednesday afternoon and I would estimate that I am at a 55% personal restoration rate.  Let me explain, last night I went out after 9pm, stayed out way past my bedtime, could not sleep, tossing around yet another mild rejection.  Earlier yesterday, I was so blissfully unaware of what lay ahead for me.  I just thought, heck, life is short – it was Fat Tuesday, let me go out and enjoy!  *sigh*  I was able to confirm some nagging questions I had though.  So that is good.  I think I am finally able to put some things and people behind me.  Some closure was warranted.  And as hungover and achy as I may be today, my head is clear, my heart still open. 

Kick the darkness till it bleeds daylight…

“It doesn’t matter how long we may have been stuck in a sense of our limitations. If we go into a darkened room and turn on the light, it doesn’t matter if the room has been dark for a day, a week, or ten thousand years – we turn on the light and it is illuminated.

Once we control our capacity for love and happiness, the light has been turned on.” ~ Sharon Salzberg

Handling reality…

Everything is great for a couple of days, even weeks, then all of sudden it’s like smiling, humming along, chewing sweet, tasty gum, only to accidentally realize you bit down into a piece of tinfoil.  Yuck!  *sigh*

Comfort zone…no more…

When you have lost your faith and freedom for years, you get this incredible urge to cut away all the fears and expectations – and just experience life for all its worth.  I want to believe that I am open…open to whether you want to hurt me, or love me…I don’t care.  I just don’t want to hear that I have to wait, that I can’t, or shouldn’t…I just want to LIVE – live without boundaries…

I don’t expect anyone  to ever fully understand what I am going through, what I am feeling.  You know what losing someone that I loved deeply has taught me?  That it takes a brush with death to get your priorities in order.  And then one day if you are lucky, you wake up and realize it was worth every minute of pain that you had to endure…just to learn how to live again.  That is where I am at – learning how to live again.

I vowed to never again allow anyone or anything get me so down, so lost that I had to second guess everything – but lately that is how I am feeling.  I can be surrounded by people lately, yet I feel alone.

When we’re after more out of life, when we’re looking for the depth and satisfaction few even know exist, sometimes the disappointment is as deep, as the joy.  I know many who have not realized this yet.  But I can’t just lie down and give up.  I know the real satisfaction comes from trying, from living to the fullest.

I have this knack of making the simple complicated, analyzing things right out of existence, ending them before they begin.  I don’t know how to sit back and watch life unfold.  Learning how to let all this passion of mine come out of me.   Trying to be more carefree…every day is precious.  Tired of living in anxiety, anticipating but never quite reaching out.  Its like I have been moving to a tune in my head, yet I remain motionless in so many ways.   I am hoping that I have the time and patience to keep drawing myself out there…out of my comfort zone.


Hmmm…Randomness…my hand…heart…faith…

This has been a lazy weekend for me.  My Chili dog is not feeling well, which makes me sad, and distracts me.  I went out for a manicure yesterday, the young manicurist, kept tapping my fingers, telling me to relax.  Relax?  I thought I was relaxed.  My mind wandered.  I thought about a few things I have heard in the past about hands, fingers, hearts, etc.

God gave me five fingers for a reason. My pinky is for my best friends, and our promises that will never be broken. My ring finger is for that special someone, and proof that we will be together forever. My middle finger is for that person that pushes me too far and to show them how I feel. My pointer finger is to silence them all, to savor the moment. And my thumb is for everyone – to let them know that I’m gonna be okay!  No matter what.

I have said it before…Place your hand over your heart. Feel that?   That’s called purpose. You’re alive for a reason. Don’t give up.

Hear with your heart, see with your soul, be guided by a hand that you cannot hold, trust even if you cannot see. That’s how faith must be.  Sometimes the things we can’t change, end up changing us instead.

Give me your hand, and I’ll never let go. Give me your heart, and I will hold it next to mine. Give me your attention, and I will show you my heart.   I want to find a guy who will hold my hand tightly in public, not play with my heart, and to listen when I really need someone to talk to.  It shouldn’t be so hard.

Ever wonder why people wear their wedding ring on the left hand?  Here are three main theories I have heard:

First, legend has it that there is a vein connected directly to the heart (the vena amoris) that flows there directly from the forth finger (a story refuted by sad and lonely science boffins), hence its selection as the finger of choice.

The second theory comes from medieval England where a Groom would slide the ring onto the Bride’s thumb, index finger then middle finger reciting ‘in the name of the father, son and Holy Ghost’ before finally placing it upon the next available finger.

Finally, on a more practical note, is the theory that as most people are right handed, then the fourth finger on the left hand is typically the most protected and least used of all our ten digits. Thus, the ‘ring finger’ is the safe option.

Let’s take a look at the Claddagh ring – a traditional Irish ring given as a token of friendship, love, or marriage.    Meant as hands joined in faith or hands joined in loyalty; cast in the form of two clasped hands, symbolizing faith, trust.

All these thoughts in my head…I love this quote:  “I am a little pencil in the hand of a writing God who is sending a love letter to the world.”  ~ Mother Teresa

Someone may hold my hand for a while, but they hold my heart forever.

Eye to eye, voice to voice, hand to hand, heart to heart…

Of life’s two chief prizes, beauty and truth, I found the first in a loving heart and the second in a laborer’s hand. – K. Gibran

Life…has made me a giver, my hands are held open, and so is my heart. And though there may be times when my hands are empty, my heart is always full, and I will always be able to give from my heart…♥

Have a heart that never hardens, and a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts….Charles Dickens.

When I Need You – Rod Stewart

When I need you
I just close my eyes and Im with you
And all that I so want to give you
Its only a heart beat away

When I need love
I hold out my hand and I touch love
I never knew there was so much love
Keeping me warm night and day

He loves me, he loves me not…

I wish all people could love as unconditionally like my Chili dog.  Life would be so much simpler….*sigh*

He loves me… he loves me not… he loves me… he loves me not… he loves me….ever play this love game, where the daisy is predicting a romantic story?  I bet if you never played you at least heard of it.   Ah if the petals really did hold the answers…Life would be so simple if we could play this game when we are not sure the person of interest answers the love request.  I pluck the white  petals, one by one from the daisy.  After each other I drop them on the ground.  At game’s end, the last petal tells it all. Is the affectionate love for the desired person returned?  *sigh*

I am putting a new a twist to this flower picking flower love game…instead of chanting, “He loves me, he loves me not,” I am going to recite: “He loves me a little, a lot, passionately, madly, not at all.”

I don’t think love was meant to be thought of  as in absolutes of total love or utter rejection, but rather in nuances and a range of possibilities.  I know most of us are groomed and programmed to seek happy endings and closure but I am more comfortable today, this moment, to live with some emotional subtleties and ambiguity.   So many of us grow up thinking about love in black and white, but as adults, with some cracks to the heart, we learn that love is inscrutably gray.

So the flower metaphor takes on new meaning…therefore I like the new chant.   God knows we’ve lived long enough to question some of the more tenacious love clichés.  Still, some of them persist, like the idea that finding enduring happiness is possible with a soul mate or perfect partner, if only we look hard enough and consider the right variables.  Fortunately I no longer believe there is just one person out there for me.  So letting go of a lot of other cliches.

So I will remain in the gray zone — the intangible, emotional, irrational —  To use a hackneyed but true cliche, it’s not the destination that counts but the journey.  The emotional integrity of a relationship can lie in the experience of it alone and not necessarily in its outcome or ultimate resolution.  In other words, I am working on understanding and accepting that a relationship might not necessarily go anywhere in particular — no closure, no marriage — but that it still might be an essential and necessary experience of love and of my life, and my journey these days…”He loves me a little, a lot, passionately, madly, not at all.” ♥

“He loves me a little, a lot, passionately, madly, not at all.”

The Unseen You

You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you.
I like to believe that I am a strong woman – one who gets her heart broken time and time again and still has the strength to gather the pieces to create a new life for herself. Remember that no matter what pain you’ve been through, tears will dry, broken hearts will heal, and somewhere out there the person who truly cares is waiting…♥

The Unseen You 

I sit here with an unsettling emptiness
a valley of lost feelings and missing emotions
an eroded sense of purpose
missing out on the joy of caring and sharing…

A chain with a broken link
out there somewhere, my other half
thinking of the tender moments that was once to be
finally ready to open up myself.

Having so much to offer
and no one to give it to
waiting a lifetime
to share myself with the unseen you.

Agonizing over what could or should have been…
The need to be wanted and alive again
Waking up a dormant body of love and spirit
Bottled up passion ready to explode.

Basic human needs going unanswered
trying desperately to overcome a gaping hole in my existence
waiting for those special words —
the ones that remove emptiness and tell me that you care about me.

Missing the give and take
that makes or breaks relationships
knowing you’ll be there for me and I for you
sharing our thoughts, desires, and dreams.

Sharing in the joy and pain
of life together as one
wanting so bad to hold you
wondering when I’ll be whole again…

A piece of the puzzle in my life that is you

Life’s cruel twist of fate no more
Its all here waiting, hoping that someday soon, the unseen you will be in my life.

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