I feel like my life is so scattered, so unfocused right now. Like it’s all the small pieces of paper and someone’s turned on the fan.
With the New Year, I am more determined than ever to continue on my journey of being true to myself… my transformation…I am at a crossroads – a point in my life where things are neither great nor bad. Things could always be better, but then I realize they could be so much worse. I am just trying to keep my foot on the ground, forging ahead and hoping for the best. Keeping my fingers crossed in hopes that someday my catching that happiness I tried so hard to hold in my grasp. That’s the thing about happiness, it is fleeting.
Most days, I find myself in that place from many years, the same place where it feels like I’m in between four walls without an entrance and or an exit. I lie day and night, staring up at the empty ceiling. The thoughts play out in front of me. I know I can fight this empty feeling that is creeping up on me, but I can’t find the strength to do so. I want someone, for a change, to save me. I want someone to notice and instead of asking, “Are you okay?” they would break through these walls and take me away. But I rarely let people really in my life…working every second on changing this.
I tend to chain myself to hardships, to all the things that ultimately end up hurting me because there’s a certain comfort inside of them. Want to know why I don’t believe in New Years Resolutions?! They are an excuse to take the bad parts of your life and flaunt them with the promise that you’ll change them; they’re an excuse to realize you have messed up and are going to change without being ashamed. But there is no shame in wanting to change. We are constantly changing, whether we know it or not. Take a year and live it one day at a time; you’d be surprised how much can change on its own when you’re not making dreamy long-term goals. That is how I have lived my life…and now here I am and I don’t know how to accept people who don’t.
My friend keeps telling me, I am more than what I am going through right now…and I just want to hurl things. It’s so unlike me. And then they say…once you lose yourself, you have two choices: Find the person you used to be or lose that person completely. I am trying to lose me…so here I am. The only thing that matters to me now, the only thing that’s even real, is the here and now…a mere second can indeed change your life.
Still learning that things change, people change, and it doesn’t mean you forget the past or try to gloss over it. We just have to find a way to move on, and treasure the memories…all those times when moments are made into memories. I want to embrace them, cherish them, and never forget that the really good memories – come so few and far between. I know that wherever life takes me, these moments will always follow. They remind me of what’s truly important. It’s not just about life, but about living. It’s all about the journey, the transformation, the destination, and all the points I allow myself to see in between.
And so at this very precise moment I may be feeling a little sad, lost – but at the same time I’m really happy that something could make me feel this sad. It makes me feel alive, you know? It makes me feel human – which is great. And trust me, in the past, after spending so much time in hospitals, clinical studies, you don’t feel human. You are just a number, a guinea pig. And the only way I could feel this sad now is if I felt something really good before. So sometimes like today, I have to take the bad with the good. I guess what I am really feeling is like a beautiful sadness…
I write…breathing in deep, realizing that sometimes the most important things in life tend to be right in front of you…and well, this is just my way of getting through another hour…xo