Monthly Archives: January 2012

A promise is a cloud; fulfillment is rain…

Here is an undeniable truth about life – actions do speak louder than words!  I know, you’ve heard this all before.  Those of you that know me have heard me use this phrase time and again. I daresay that I might even overuse it.  But the truth is, you can, and must, decide how a person is by their actions and not by their words!

Words are cheap.  Actions mean everything!  The truth is always there for all to see when you observe the way people act and respond, rarely by what they say.  This truth is self-evident – good people practice what they preach.  You can tell a lot about a person by their actions.  How do they respond to you?  How do they treat you?  Real, sincere people say what they mean and act the same way.  Real people, good people, decent people, will always demonstrate who they are by their consistent actions.  Consistent actions on their part will tell you what you need to know, for good or for bad.

So the new me will only focus on what people DO instead of what they SAY – Actions Speak Louder Than Words!

I have thought a lot over the past couple of weeks why people do the things they do in their lives. What motivates people to say one thing and then do another?!  I am trying really hard not to put myself into the situation of being disappointed when it is in some people’s character to disappoint me and countless others.  I can’t stop looking for the good in everybody – that is, of course, until they again prove themselves to be false. Then I say to myself, “Why do I follow their words? If I follow their actions, then I’ll be a lot better off.”  So be it… I like to believe that most people in my life don’t set out to lie or deceive for the most part. In fact, I think that most of the world is still full of good people who generally try to get by in life without hurting others. Having said that, at the end of the day, people still do what is best for them first…regardless of what they have said to you in the past.   Makes me sad…but with each passing day, I am more accepting, and less gullible, less hurt.

Why does this happen over and over? Why do people often tell you what you want to hear and then do something other than what they expressed to you? I think I finally know some of the answers:  It’s because they are scared. Fear causes people to act differently than they normally would.  So does jealousy.  So does immaturity.

Think about it; if you were truly unafraid of the ramifications of not doing what appears to be in your personal best interest, would you be willing to stay the course and keep your original plan and commitments in place? I say yes, you would, because you wouldn’t have anything to lose. So if you’re unafraid, why not stick to what you said you were going to do?!

It seems that so many people are unfortunately completely unaware of the basic concept of action and reaction. People seem to think that if our actions do not have an immediate effect, we need not worry or even think twice about the action we took or are about to take.  The reality is, every action, no matter how small, has an effect. The effect may not be immediate, but it is inevitable. A consequence that is lingering from a past action can be much worse than any immediate consequence.  Whether it is physical or not, it will eventually take full effect, and the build-up will be catastrophic if you are unaware.

Embrace and fully apply Newton’s laws of motion …I am working hard on accepting this inevitability.  The sooner I can adopt this way of life, the easier it will be for me to make the transition…my journey….never ending…   ♥

Do your actions speak louder than words?   Do you realize that your actions, or lack thereof , cause a ripple, reaction?  Just asking…

Trust only movement.  Life happens at the level of events, not of words.  Trust movement.  ~A. Adler ♥

How are you living your life…?

Today I woke up feeling blah – Monday morning winter blues I guess.  And then I learned that my nephew lost a friend and the wake is tonight.    The young man who passed was only 23 years old.   Every time, a person dies is sad, but when it’s a young person with their life still ahead of them, just always seems more tragic. 

I wish more people would realize that life and death is just a breath away and a mere second could indeed change your life forever.  The future is promised to no one.  

Life is so fragile…with a breath we are brought into this world, and with a breath we leave this world.  I am sure each and every one of has been touched by a death.  Some of us, like me, perhaps more than we would like to count.  

Life and death….death and life – the two absolute constants in this world of ours.  I do like to believe that how we choose to live this one life of ours, will affect how and when we die. 

Throughout my travels, my volunteer work, my own experiences dealing with leukemia, I have met many people and really watched how they deal with death and mortality. 

 I have met some people who fear death, and will do everything and anything to fight and not die.

I have met those who feel invincible and need to challenge death and shake their fist in defiance.

I have some who have nine lives and just keep beating the odds and are grateful for every breath.

I have sadly met those who want to die, invite it into their lives as a guest, and bring death on too soon. 

I have met those brave men and women, who put their lives on the line to protect us.

I have been fortunate to have met some who have learned to find the balance in life and with grace find peace and acceptance when death does come.

I have personally experienced each of the above in my life at one point or another and am still here to write about it.  Now, I feel like I am in a quiet place where I am ready for whatever life throws at me.  I understand and accept that life is about living and dying.  I believe that people do make choices that affect what kind of life they live.  I believe that it matters more to me now, how we live our lives and not how we are taken from this world.  For a long time, I used to believe that it was better not to fully invest in anyone; people leave, they die.  It was all so overwhelming, scary.  But I have learned that the alternative is so much worse.  I can’t possibly convince anyone that losing my loved ones, has made me a better person; I still get sad, angry, lost.   But the mere thought of never having had them in my life – now that would have been truly unbearable, and tragic.  So I hope for the best, prepare myself for the worst, and keep moving forward, investing in people. 

 So how are you living your life?! 


My dating life and sunrises….

So…right before the New Year, I accepted a bet from my best friend – I had to go on 15 dates before February.  I foolishly accepted, thinking, ‘what a piece of cake’.  I had more than 30 days.  How hard could it be?!  Ha!  Well suffice to say, I did indeed win the bet – but at a such a high cost…Not only am I exhausted, disillusioned, and but also more than a little sad about finding myself alone at 40.   I don’t really want to date, but I don’t want to be alone forever.  Its been over 10 years since I lost my heart, Michael.  We had only three years together and he was the love of my life.  He was not a perfect person, nor did we have a perfect relationship. But, things were good, really good!  He took care of my heart in a way I had never experienced…and have yet to find again.  I did try dating years ago, instead I married a good friend – settled for stability over passion, love.  Unfortunately that ended in divorce.  And now I am no longer willing to settle.  I have learned so much the past few years and have my eyes wide open especially after this last dating stretch.   I know Michael would have wanted me to keep finding the courage and the strength to keep moving forward.  I count my blessings every day.

This morning was one of those blessings in disguise…going through the motions of my daily morning routine of walking my Chili dog, I was surprised to see the sunrise…a beautiful collage of colors.  I stared because it looked like it was fighting with the gray clouds.  It just struck me as negative and hopeful at the same time.  On my walk, I conceded that life is full of frustration, obstacles, but we have to keep finding the faith to get up every day…see more sunrises.  On my walks, living my life, I may find dead end streets, one way streets, but I believe with hope and optimism, I will find my destination.

Many times, I have heard, we can create our own future if we focus our energies on where we want to end up.  On the other side of the equation lies the philosophy that we each have a destiny that is laid out for us from the moment we are born.  I tend to believe the truth lies somewhere in between. There is a road that each of us is meant to travel.  But I don’t believe that the destination is a fixed point in time or place.  The choices we make, or fail to make, influence where that road leads us.   But choices can only be made once we fully start living our lives.  Sometimes, we just need to shake up our routines.  If we keep going though just the motions, we will overlook that fork in the road when we come across it.  A routine walk, a sunrise, the morning sky – all reminders that I need to live my life with my eyes wide open.

Let me get back to my dating life – or lack of…I am not looking for someone to fill my late fiance’s shoes.  Nor am I looking for a clone of him.  I get wistful at times, but nostalgia doesn’t mean I keep this idealized version of my lost love with me, sizing up everyone, comparing.  I want someone to enhance the life I live now – not my past.

Unfortunately, I think most of us, at this age, especially after lost loves, divorce, can agree that our negative experiences outweigh our positive experiences in dating.   An effortless connection seems so elusive, so fleeting.  It feels like every negative experience leaves a bigger scar than the first.  This is what makes me truly reluctant to keep dating.  Sadly, I have been meeting people that are almost numb…they are almost expecting things not to work.  Self-fulfilling prophecy at its worst.  I have heard so many stories the past few weeks – cheating, emotional abuse, no passion, letdowns – no wonder we tend to shy away from dating and building trust.  I hate not having any faith in dating.  I have met a few people, who build a false hope by going through the initial motions of dating, then pulling back.  Its been a frustrating experience.  I find it very hard to hold onto any hope and keep trusting people when so many flake out on potential relationships with no real explanations.

I still tend to believe that negative experiences make us stronger.  *sigh* Maybe.  But the past month and all these little annoying experiences is making me skeptical.  When I was younger, I believed most of what people told me.  Gullible much?!  I never read fine print.  But now, after being exposed to so many little painful experiences, keeping my eyes wide open and reading the fine print is a survival necessity.  So now when I go on yet another date, I have to remind myself that it may not be what I expect, want; someone may build up my hopes only to dash them; I may not be treated the way I want to be treated; some people may not mean what they say.  I have to read into their actions better.  I am learning to expect nothing really from this attempt at finding love.  I can just hope to  meet some nice people, deal better with the disappointments, the letdowns.  I will not be settling though again.  I find its almost safer for my mind and heart, to be pleasantly surprised, than to keep expectations high.  Maybe some of the sad, hopeless people I have met, have learned something I have not.  Maybe it’s good that they have gotten to that point of no hope.   That means anything good that happens will be a pleasant surprise. Maybe part of growing up, getting older, means accepting that dating is about losing hope.  I don’t know…I am still hopeful.  Silly perhaps.

I don’t want nor need many dates, I want better dates.  I don’t know that I will ever fall in love again.   But I have learned that I am able to love, though.   I have loved someone but we just couldn’t make each other happy.  It’s kind of like you love them, but… you can’t love them the way they want or need to be loved.  Maybe I am just meant to be in love with my forever heart.  ♥

It‘s not where we stand but in what direction we are moving….

You know what makes me happily relieved??  It makes me happy to know that none of us were provided a how-to guide at living…we are all just kind of winging it. The struggles make us stronger, changes make us wise, and happiness has its own way of taking its sweet time…sometimes I wonder if I have learned anything about life or will I be condemned to wander the world learning little and basically understanding nothing?!

But I have learned….that everything that happens – good and bad – can be a life lesson.

Nobody gets through life without losing someone they love, someone they need, or something they thought was meant to be.  But it is these losses that make us stronger and if we keep an open mind, we can work on moving forward, toward future opportunities for growth and happiness.

I am proof that sometimes you have to die a little on the inside in order to learn how to get back up and start living life again – working on becoming a stronger, smarter version of myself.

I have learned to stop berating myself for being a work in progress.  I have started embracing it!

I have learned that being a work in progress doesn’t mean I am not good enough today.  It means I want a better tomorrow.  I am working on healing my heart, expanding my mind and developing the gifts I know I was meant to share – hence my blog, my writing. May we all be works in progress forever, and celebrate the fact that we are!

I have learned that I have to stop spending time with negative people.  I plan on spending more time with nice people who are smart, driven and creative.   Working on surrounding myself with people who reflect the person I want to be.  Life is way too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of us.  When you free yourself of negative people, you free yourself to be YOU – and being YOU is the simplest way to live.  That is what I have learned…and continue to strive for.

I have learned that I am not just what has happened to me in the past.  No matter how sad, chaotic the past has been, the future is a clean, fresh, wide open slate.   I am not only my past habits.  I am not just my past failures.  I am free to be the ME that I want to be…

My daily mantra:  “Dear Past, thank you for all the life lessons you have taught me.  Dear Future, I am ready now…and Here I Am”.

Another sleepless T night…

Glimpses into my life….today was a very surreal day for me…it started off with a potential stalker situation got sidetracked with budget issues at work and a migraine that wouldn’t go away but now its ending with a sense of wistfulness.  Recapturing parts of my life.  Making plans, looking forward to the newness of things…yes an interesting transformation for me.

So I have dubbed this year of 2012 –

This is the Year of T:  ME!  I am learning to love all things T!  I find myself gravitating towards things, places, people who start with the initial – guess what?!  T!!!! 

Some of my fav things:

Teuscher Chocolates

Terra Chips

Teas’ Tea

Twinings Tea (Tea in general:  Tetley and Tazo, too)

Tiramisu, Twizzlers, Taffy, Tootsie rolls…Yummy!

Timberland boots

Tignanello leather purses

Terrazza Ristorante


Terrano Noir wine

Now all I need is to move to a town / city starting with the letter T here in NJ:

Toms River, Totowa, Teaneck, Tenafly, Trenton…and find a guy to love whose name is Tom, Tad, Ted, Tai, Tanner, Tim, Tony, Trent, Trevor…I would love a Thor! And live happily ever after…embracing my inner Goddess wearing Togas…sipping my Tattooed Love Goddess drinks all night…

A girl can dream….♥

T’s Tuesday Topic…

There are some mornings when I just don’t feel like talking…Today was such a day. Have you ever been standing in line to purchase a train ticket, riding the train to work, or just patiently sitting or standing, waiting on the train, when a stranger tried to strike up a conversation with you?

Why do some men feel the need to stare? Then if they see you reading a book, try to strike up a conversation? Or worse yet, why do some guys stare trying to make you feel awkward and uncomfortable when they keep staring? This morning, one guy not only stared, tried to strike a conversation, but then proceeded to snapping pictures of me on his cell phones – seriously?! One of NJ Transit workers came over and asked the guy to stop and delete the photos. Not sure if he had any right to do that legally but am I grateful that he came to my rescue. *sigh* Next time, I may just scream: “I’m sugar and spice and everything nice – if you want to mess with me you better think twice”….I swear!

Writing about nothing…and moving beyond inertia…

Spoke to a new friend today, and…they suggested I write about nothing…since I couldn’t think of what to write.  But as he was saying this, all I could focus on was his voice…steady, stern, strong… My thoughts were fluctuating between his being guarded, controlled…but then he got around to talking about something he felt passionate about, and he said some very thought provoking things.  Very inspiring.  So when asked why I didn’t do anything the past two days – not even write – I admitted to feeling drained, to being blank.

Tangents…fears…I gave the question more thought…

Why I didn’t write, why I don’t look for a more challenging job, etc.  I honestly don’t think its fear that stops me from doing the brave and true things in my daily life.   I think its more about avoidance. I need to feel comfortable, so I tend to avoid things that will evoke fear and other disquieting emotions. Avoidance will make you feel less vulnerable in the short run, but it will never make you feel less afraid.   I find that for me and probably, most of us, there’s enough struggle just living a regular life.  Commuting, dealing with delays, loud people, crazy weather patterns, sick dog, going grocery shopping, taking out the garbage….all so tiresome at times.   Who has the energy to go forth and battle dragons?   Even if it is the Year of the Dragon (Gong Xi Fa Cai =Happy New Year – Year of the Dragon).  But then this brought me to yet another conversation I had with another friend today, we’re also powerfully drawn to the idea of living a life full of passion. I wonder sometimes how many of us are truly aware of the abyss of meaninglessness that can so easily pervade our lives. You know – like when out of the corner of your mind’s eye you catch a glimpse of the idea that you’re born, you work, you have a few laughs, and then you die, and what was it all for?  Now how or when does IQ/intelligence, factor in?  Here and now.  I believe that the thinking person, trying to live their life to the fullest, and always trying to better and enrich their lives, they are the ones who hunger for meaning.   They sense that achieving a fuller is sometimes based on a struggle to make life better.  Appreciation factors in.  So part of us hungers for a sense of mission, part of us fears the cost.  Usually it’s the fear part of us that wins.  An analogy from someone who doesn’t drive is not only ironic, but still holds true:  Every day life is all about being behind the wheel, in the driver’s seat. We live, we laugh, we breathe, we exhale, we take things as they come. And that’s okay.  Still can’t allow fear to keep us from doing something that tugs at our heartstrings.  When life is still, quiet and free from distractions…if there is a slight nagging feeling that haunts you, well maybe we shouldn’t ignore it.  My philosophy, we have one life, we only get to live it once…so its our responsibility to make the most out of it.  I am sure you have heard the saying “This life is not a dress rehearsal”…well sometimes all it takes is a simple conversation with someone…someone who gives us a compliment, encouraging word, shares an inspirational story, colors the humor for us in a stressful situation, to allow us to see things in a new way…so here I am once again…writing.  Moving beyond my own inertia and fears and not being a bystander or passenger in my own life…only when walking or in a car….

Falling in love…possible?!

Falling in love…mysterious, scary, fantastic feeling…two people talking for hours without getting bored, physically missing them the minute they are out of sight…*sigh*  Is that real?

Too bad people don’t fall in love always at the same pace, at the same time, for the same reasons…its each bit of madness moving at its own pace, one not dependent on the pace of anything else.  It is not like tandem skydiving, where you were connected as you fall, where you are forced to fall at the same rate and use the same parachute.  Falling in love is definitely a solo act. You just jump and hope that your parachute will open.  Sometimes, you look up and realize that you were falling by yourself, the object of your desire still on the plane, not interested in jumping and watching you descend into that scary place alone.

We all long for love and relationship and healing and hope…We all want to believe that love is this magical thing that fixes our problems and makes things perfect. We look for the love that we see in the movies and fall for all of Hollywood’s lies. But the truth is, love will never be like that. Love is something you have to work at and fight for. It’s not always pretty and it’s definitely not magical most times, because not even love can keep two people together if they don’t try.  I believe that anyone who falls in love is searching for the missing pieces of themselves….I know I am….

Ah falling in love…its not just about one person – you have to remember that with love, you’re not the only one involved.  You have unknowingly put your life, your heart into the palms of another persons hands and said, “here – do what you will – mash it into mince meat, or forget I ever handed it to you.  That’s the thing about love – it makes us a little manic, crazy.   It makes reality blur, sometimes totally invisible and it erases all the lines that we once thought we shouldn’t cross.  Love isn’t about fencing ourselves in; feeling safe, feeling sure about the future; It’s about scaring the shit out of every nerve fiber in our body, but pushing forward anyway.   All the fighting and all the tears and all the uncertainty should be worth it. And it’s a heck of a lot better, than being 100% happy without someone to show us that there is a world of a difference between feeling “happy” and feeling whole….just saying…♥

Hmmmm…sleep deprivation has its benefits….:-)

Hmmmm..let’s see…sleep deprivation can indeed be that little extra spice in my life – adding some fun and making it unpredictable.

I typically operate on 4-5 hours of sleep per night.  Usually, I’m okay with this, but sometimes I feel absolutely drained from the start of the day – like yesterday, today.

I have found that sleep deprivation has some benefits. Sure, you lose mental acuity, you become more irritable, and you get winded doing simple office tasks, but sleep deprivation also adds an element of unpredictability to your life …

I tend to lose the ability to listen and can’t hear everything others say – which sometimes is a very good thing.

I get to sleep with random, total strangers on the train!

My sense of direction is literally not heightened as sometimes I crash into walls, trip while walking.  The ground literally becomes my best friend.  I lose my legs and definitely learn to appreciate the flatness and evenness of the ground.

Most times, being sleep deprived increases my courage.

You make better friends at work since you have to cozy up to them to get some clarification of the missed project meeting you just had, rely on them to get you up to speed.

Ah and my favorite benefit of lack of sleep – tasty, better beverages.  Nothing beats the sound of a Pepsi can opening in the morning…or better yet a tall iced Freddo.  Caffeine is my friend…

Sweetest dreams…brightest mornings…♥

“It’s not about the ending, it’s about the journey.”

There are moments when it’s too quiet, particularly late at night or early in the mornings.   That’s when you know there’s something lacking in your life…you just know.

I get up every morning and go to bed every night, with this feeling that something is missing, but I don’t know what and I don’t know why. This emptiness is just killing me, and I can’t do anything, not even cry.

Insomnia is my best friend.

What is keeping me up tonight….I need to write my 3 to 5 year goal/life plan for work and I didn’t think it would be this hard.

I am working on a plan – finally – a life plan.  Sadly, I think there are few people who have a plan for their life.  Many are like me, passive spectators, watching their lives unfold, one day at a time. We tend to be reactive rather than proactive.  Many people plan their careers, the building of a new home, or even a vacation. But is that planning a life?  I think this is why so many of us end up isolated, discouraged, disillusioned, and wondering what went wrong.  Hear the train bell – arrived – at the wrong destination.  That is how I feel too many days.

I am working on finding the clarity in my life and where I want to be, where I am headed.  I believe this will provide me with more balance when things get crazy.  And having the clarity, balance, and faith will bring me the peace of mind I need….what I want most.

When we are being tested, if we are lucky, that is when we learn who we are.  And it’s only when you’re tested that you discover who you can be. The person that you want to be does exist, somewhere on the other side of hard work and faith, and belief and beyond the heartache and fear of what life has to offer us.

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.” – The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

“Challenges are what makes us who we are. The people that I’ve lost, the things that I’ve learned. I wouldn’t be the same without them. ”

“At some point you have to make a decision. Boundaries don’t keep other people out, they fence you in. Life is messy, that’s how we’re made. So you can waste your life drawing lines…or you can live your life crossing them. But there are some lines that are way too dangerous to cross. Here’s what I know. If you’re willing to take a chance…the view from the other side…is spectacular.”

“Chances slip away while you’re looking for guarantees.”

Let this be your early morning song…be inspired.

A Beautiful Day
by India.Arie

Life is a journey,
Not a destination,
There are no mistakes,
Just chances we’ve taken
Lay down your regrets cause all we have is now

Wake up in the morning
And get out of bed
Start making a mental list in my head
Of all of the things that I am grateful for

Early in the morning
It’s the dawn of a new day
New hopes new dreams new ways
I open up my eyes and
I open up my mind and
I wonder how life will surprise me today

Early in the morning
It’s the dawn of a new day
New hopes new dreams new ways
I open up my heart and
I’m gon’ do my part and
Make this a positively beautiful day

Life is a challenge not a competition
You can still smell the roses and be on a mission
Just take a moment to get in touch with your heart
Sometimes you feel like you’ve got something to prove
Remind yourself that there’s only one you
Just take a moment to give thanks for who you are

Let’s make this a wonderful
Let’s make this a powerful
Let’s make this a Beautiful Day
It’s a Beautiful Day


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