I Am Worthy

Thanks to a great friend with a beautiful soul, I was reminded that I am worthy of so much more than what I am going through. Then I came across these quotes and it just turned my entire day, week around. Thank you…you know who you are.

You are not useless. You are not hopeless. And no matter how scared you are, you will never be alone. And deep down, somewhere, in the part of you that decided the good days and your happiness and your health were all worth fighting for, you know that, too. Hold onto that knowledge. It will see you through the worst. – Ella Ceron

You may not control all the events that happen to you, but you can decide not to be reduced by them. – Maya Angelou

Some people will never ‘get you’. Do not spend eternity asking why. People will see you differently, just cherish those who lift your soul. – Dodinsky’s Garden of Thoughts

The pain that you’ve been feeling, can’t compare to the joy that’s coming. – Romans 8:18

The best people possess a feeling for beauty, the courage to take risks, the discipline to tell the truth, the capacity for sacrifice. Ironically, their virtues make them vulnerable; they are often wounded, sometimes destroyed. – Ernest Hemingway

I refuse to be destroyed though. Not letting my struggles become my identity… I still know how to smile. I know how to love. I know how to live. More importantly, I know how to put one foot in front of the other … with grace in my step, hope in my heart…

You’ll meet her, she’s very pretty, even though sometimes she’s sad for many days at a time. You’ll see, when she smiles, you’ll love her. – Pan’s Labyrinth YES! Me! Worthy of all good things.


Living with Cancer

Today … was like coming home, after a long trip. That’s what true friendships and love are …. it’s like coming home. I was finally able to meet up with some friends today and it was a good day. Good days have been far and few in between this winter.

I find myself trying so hard to be strong. Sometimes, I feel so alone, going through cancer, trying not to be a burden to anyone … but then you let your guard down and realize who truly has your back.

I try to put a big smile on my face but at times, all I want to do is curl up and die. Just give up. But then I find myself lucky enough to spend a couple of hours surrounded by friends and my smile is genuine. I still want to curl up, but not die. Lately, I have been too weak for much. But today was a good day. A day of genuine connection. I felt a part of something. And sometimes, that is all we need. Today was a day of hope and hugs.

People ask me on the bad days what chemo is like, how I am feeling – and although I consider myself articulate, I have a really difficult time explaining it. It’s difficult to describe the forest from the trees, right? Chemotherapy side effects are worse than cancer, that’s for sure. With cancer, most of the time you’d hardly know it if some doctor didn’t tell you. I mean, I was pretty hard up by the time they found it in me, but sometimes cancer can go all the way to stage IV and you’d never know it.

Chemo, on the other hand, you can never forget that. Not for a second. There’s no ignoring chemotherapy. It invades every cell by the end of it. You spend months marinating in a stew of toxic wastes that are out to kill you. And I don’t think that’s overly-dramatic. You try it sometime and see if I’m not right. The exhaustion, the pain, the numbness, the forgetfulness, the vague feelings, the full yet empty stomach, the nausea… so many things, feelings. The exhaustion never totally leaves me, and I can’t stand very long, and today was not really different, except that I felt okay, accepted, no one made me feel bad. I got to sit like a statue and was surrounded by good friends… making new memories. Embracing life…with grace in my step and hope in my heart. Not giving up – on people, nor myself.


“Til I Get It Right”

Wild Saturday night!! And by that I mean, quality Me time, snuggling on the couch with my fav Chili dog, the fire roaring, M&Ms nearby and watching the movie, Hateship Loveship. Loved it. Based on the talented Alice Munro’s “Hateship, Friendship, Courtship, Loveship, Marriage” stories. Great cast. Love sexy Guy Pearce and the talented Kristen Wiig. Can fake love turn into true love? All believable. We all want love. We all want to root for the underdog. May we all find the courage to go after what we want in such a quiet calm way as Kristen’s character, Johanna, does. Sometimes plain is truly extraordinary when we really see past the usual. I am a sucker for the good girl / bad boy cliche. Still works for me. lol

So if you are snowbound like me and in the mood for a good recipe for a good movie – a good story, wonderful casting – watch this movie.

Fav movie line: “I have what I want.” YES! May we all be so lucky.

Fav movie soundtrack: ‘Til I Get It Right
Written by Hollis De Laughter & Larry Henley
Performed by Tammy Wynette – oldie but a goodie.


The Taxi Driver Stalker

*sigh* What is a girl to do when she needs to call a car service but the driver begins to stalk her??!! The over friendly, neighborhood taxi driver tries to pick me up … after he picks me up … and now I feel ultra vulnerable. Where I live, there is really only one local car service, and they have all my information on record – scary. I don’t know to deal with this latest predicament. Too cold and icy to walk everywhere – so a car service is needed still. Long winter. But I can’t deal with the text messages, calls, the car at my house, waiting for me, even before I call them. This particular driver has been very nice, considerate but seriously, c’mon isn’t he taking some liberties at my expense? I don’t think its appropriate for him to use his work to contact me for personal reasons. Asking me out, or trying to kiss me is just too much. It’s creeping me out. Yes, it is. I don’t appreciate being put on the spot and feeling vulnerable alone in a car with someone who knows where I live. I guess changing my number is in the foreseeable future. *double sigh*

Where is spring?!


Actions speak louder than words

I came across the below words and had to share. I live by the words – actions speak louder than words!

Tiny Wisdom: Actions Speak Louder Than Words

By Lori Deschene (credit)

“Actions speak louder than words, but not nearly as often.” – Mark Twain

A while back, I wrote a blog post about giving people the benefit the doubt, and suggested, as I often do, that people rarely intend to be hurtful.

Someone wrote in the comments that I’ve obviously never encountered a sociopath.

This got me thinking about the many times I’ve heard women refer to men they’ve dated as sociopaths and narcissists. It occurred to me that many of those men likely treated them horribly, but may not have had mental disorders.

There are sociopaths out there, but more often than not when people hurt us, it’s not because of psychiatric diagnoses. It’s because they’re hauling around pain from their pasts and crashing it into everyone they meet.

When someone knowingly manipulates or uses others, or deliberately tries to control or intimidate them and they aren’t mentally ill, it’s rarely a happy, well-adjusted person who simply decided to be heartless and cruel.

In understanding this, we can be compassionate—but that doesn’t mean we need to willingly accept mistreatment.

The question then becomes: how do we know when to give someone the benefit of the doubt, and when to withhold it?

Last week a reader shared an insightful Oprah quote that read, “When people show you who they are, believe them.”

While I don’t believe any one action defines who someone is, I think there’s something to this. Actions speak louder than words. And repeated actions are what shape our character and reputation.

If someone says they want to spend time together but repeatedly fails to show up, they are communicating that they aren’t willing to follow through on their promises.

If someone says they’re trustworthy but repeatedly lies, they are communicating that their word can’t be trusted.

If someone says they want to change but repeatedly fails to make an effort, they are communicating that aren’t willing to do things differently.

Acknowledging this isn’t forming judgments. It’s recognizing the facts so that we can make a wise choice based on how things are—not how we want them to be.

We may recognize we’re being mistreated and choose to set and enforce a boundary. We all deserve second chances, and sometimes a third or fourth.

But other times we need to open our eyes so that we know when enough is enough.

It’s never our fault when someone else hurts us, but it’s within our power to stop allowing it.
________________
So, I have realized the last couple of men I have dated have been complete narcissists. They said all the right things but their actions never measured up. I am just happy I finally woke up and now have my eyes wide open. I won’t settle. I expect people to do what they say they will do. I expect people to be honest – even if it hurts. Life is too short for second-guessing, constant doubts. I don’t need to hear empty words and promises, I need to pay attention to the little cues, signs, body language.

“Lips and tongues lie. But actions never do. No matter what words are spoken, actions betray the truth of everyone’s heart.”
― Sherrilyn Kenyon, Born of Fury

“Thoughts do more. Words to much. Actions do much more.”
― Israelmore Ayivor


Cheating Hearts…

I have been single most of my life. I have had one true love who died way too soon. I am probably not the best person when it comes to relationship advice, I guess. But I know what I want, and what I would do to keep love alive. I have had a few friends and family who have confided in me that their partners have cheated. I always wonder if my love cheated on me what I would do. And the most honest I can ever be with myself and with them – is that it depends. I know that I personally have pushed many people away – many possible loves away with my insecurities about my health and my earlier thinking years ago that I was cheating on my love and his memory if I allowed myself to fall in love again. I think I have worked through most of my own insecurities. I think as we get older, we have to continually grow. Change is inevitable. Love, relationships take constant work. I used to ask my Dad, who claimed to love my Mom until his last breath. They married young, and he cheated on her from day one. He had one night stands and even a full blown out 2 year affair. He always told me that he didn’t get what he needed at home. My Mom finally got tired and divorced my Dad – but not until 20+ years later and a lot of anger, dysfunction, 5 kids screwed up, etc. I was 12 when the divorce was final and was I ever happy. I just knew back then that both of my parents deserved more, different. My Dad had many women in his life. He was a larger than life kind of guy who who died at the young age of 57 due to his excesses. He drank too much, ate too much, gambled too much, and womanized too much. He flirted, he was a charmer, he loved to make others laugh – of course women were attracted to that. He was a romantic deep down inside. Women flirted with him, too, every where we went. I used to shake my head. But he never stopped loving my Mom – not even after she remarried. He just couldn’t give her the security and the stability she needed. I love both my parents. But I do admit to staying away from Latin charming men. I try not to date men who drink too much, who smoke, who gamble. Its what I have taught myself to stay away from. But I digress a tad. I am not sure what I would do if my partner cheated on me. I would like to think I would forgive if it were a moment of weakness; but if my partner engaged in a two-year affair with someone else – I don’t think forgiveness would be forthcoming. A long affair, to me, symbolizes a bigger problem. The partner is a liar. A good one. And I have little tolerance for lies.

I understand attraction to new things, people is normal. Its life affirming and can be fun. But everything has consequences. Every action a reaction. Laws of life, love. Many people cheat because of sex. It is easily available at most. But I think people cheat because of emotional needs. I think my Dad did. I know we all need validation and feel connected. Its only human nature. I think people get caught up in the daily things of life that when they are finally home together, they are not fully present, not fully engaged with each other. They are thinking about tomorrow, and that next work project, the next commitment – they don’t work on the current task of loving their partner. I don’t know. I am always at a loss when I learn of betrayal. I have been betrayed by new beaus and many friends. But not the same when you have spent years building a family, a home and to have the lies, trust becomes a forever issue. Its a loss. People must take the time to mourn and grieve. I know I felt slightly betrayed when Michael died. I felt like he cheated me on a life with him. The feelings don’t last – they are at best slightly out of touch with reality. But they are real feelings, and we must OWN our feelings. Just like the cheating lying partners and people must OWN their part. They must realize that they deserve anger from their partner. There is real trauma. Lives are thrown out of a routine. Being right is less important than compromise. I wish more people could remember that the love they had is first even before children and careers. I wish they could compliment each other more, continue going on dates, holding hands and kissing foreheads. Maybe this is why I will always be single. I don’t want to feel any more loss. I don’t want to settle for less. I want love to be pure and forever present. I want my forever date, and if I am in a relationship, I can’t live without those butterfly kisses and the thumb rubs on my palm. I miss being in love but I won’t settle for cheating hearts. I will continue to listen and try to help my friends who are lost and feel broken. We all feel broken at times.

I know that I, at times, don’t give new people nor relationships many chances. But I am okay with that. I have high standards and am okay alone. I am a loner, for the most part. I like the ideal of love and romance more than I like to settle or put up with less than what I deserve. And, I believe that if you haven’t learned what is important, what is worth fighting for, what is worth keeping, well then you don’t deserve me in your life. The only real affair I need is the one I have with myself. So … Let’s all keep moving forward with grace in our steps and hope in our hearts.


Am I lovable…

I am okay alone. But sometimes, especially with Valentine’s day fast approaching, and watching Hallmark’s Countdown to Valentine’s Day, has me always missing my heart more than ever. I know the only way, I will ever really find someone to love and be loved, is by putting myself out there, and trying to date and meet emotionally available men. But *sigh* I am just so tired. Tired of the fools, the endless questions, the myriad of doubts, the kissing of frogs. Tired of wondering if I am lovable. Tired of being alone, but at the same time, tired of wasting my time, investing of myself, feeding someone else’s ego; tired of waiting for a love that eludes me and never comes. I feel like when I start dating, I am a mere woman with a question mark etched on my forehead: Am I good? Am I lovable? Am I enough? Am I healthy enough to be accepted? There seems to be more questions than answers. I know, deep down inside, I am lovable. I am capable of accepting and giving love. I sit with so many thoughts, and not all of them are doubts. And those are the ones I fight to fill my head. So as I write this, I know I am lovable. I feel my potential at this very moment. I have definitely accepted too little for too long. That is changing as sure as the weather will change. In the meantime, I date myself. I pamper myself. I love myself. I cherish myself. I adore myself … with grace in my step and hope in my heart.

We are all worthy of love.  #sixwords. ♡


People

“People empty me.  I have to get away to refill.”  – Charles Bukowski

Yes!!  I know, I distance myself from many for many different reasons.

I am far too sensitive when it comes to absorbing other people’s energies.  So, I need a lot of me, alone time, to re-calibrate my heart, refocus my mind, and reorganize my thoughts.

This is why I prefer spending time with my dog….he never lies about love.   Unconditional.  No second guessing.

Nothing loses my interest faster than someone lying to me.   I have been known to enjoy real conversations, just not too keen on small talk.


Moving on …

Today is a strange day indeed. I have received texts from people that I barely hear from … fair weather friends. I don’t have many real friends – and I am okay with this. I responded to each text with a more personal note and they kept it short. It figures. People ask how are you, but they don’t really care, do they?! Understanding other people’s motives is nearly impossible now, for they only offer me specific parts of the big picture. Although useful information may be lurking beneath the surface, I am just not interested in spending my precious time peeling layers of the onion just to get to the core. Instead of looking for answers I don’t have yet, just trying to get through the day and work with what I already know. Trusting my intuition. Finally!! Staying away from other people’s drama. I try really hard not to hold grudges. But I do remember facts …even with my chemo brain. Trying to remember that just because I miss someone, moments we shared, doesn’t mean I need them back in my life. Sometimes missing is just a part of moving on … with grace in my step and hope in my heart.


PTSD … still …

Its been two years since I got hit by a car. And my anxiety, especially during the winter months, has not diminished. Lately, its at an all time high!! I am so afraid of slipping on the ice, breaking more bones. So much anxiety. I have definitely noticed how being hit by a car has changed the way I experience the city. Every time I see a taxi cab coming down the street, an almost daily sight, my thoughts rebound to my accident. Some changes, like never stepping off the curb until the light has actually changed, or looking both ways before crossing (sometimes twice), are probably good in a way. But all these inane thought race through my head in seconds – I am never again sure that a car will stop, and now my carefree walking in the city has come to and – abruptly and forever.

Although I recovered, for the most part, physically, I still walk around the city with a sense of permanent vulnerability. I still cannot cross many streets without looking both ways about four times and looking over my shoulder a dozen times while crossing. If a car gets too close, or if I think a driver turning my way doesn’t see me, I panic, break out in a sweat, and sometimes literally freeze. Sometimes, on crowded walkways, people stare, get frustrated with me, bump into me … all which just adds more anxiety.

Physically, I have been certainly recovering. But the last two years, I have became seriously depressed. Drugs did not help all that much. I was referred to a post-traumatic stress disorder therapist and during non-winter months, I think I am ok. But now my PTSD is at the forefront of my life. Waiting for the winter blues literally to leave so some of my depression can gradually lift.

For a long time, though, my life was defined by my accident. And I guess it still is -0 just when I thought I could put things behind me. So much is how much of my energy and time is spent on all the medical procedures, tests, rehabs, doctors’ visits etc., building anxiety, not to mention all that time I missed from work before they laid me off. And now looking to go back to work, I see how much I have really lost.

And the experience lingers, both mentally and physically. I have regained about 80 percent of my mobility and 70 percent of my strength, but it is just not the same. So many things I still can’t do, and this only leaves me more frustrated and disappointed. In my mind, I’ll never be the same and that’s heartbreaking to some extent.

And the fear and the vulnerability stay with me. I wasn’t paralyzed or killed, so I felt fortunate. Being hit by a car did, however, damage my sense of security and safety. I am still working my head around all of this.

I have become an exceedingly careful pedestrian. *sigh* I guess that is a good thing. I never got my driver’s license, I never quite liked cars nor traffic, but these days I am even more against them. I just pray to return to some form of stability — both on a professional and personal level as well as emotionally and physically.

I desperately seek and need the feeling of responsibility and accomplishment. I want my life back. But am keeping my true appreciation for why I am still here.


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