Well those lingering thoughts I encouraged, wanted – all dissipated truly fast when my Iceland trekking ‘friend’ returned. All the pretty words turned into false actions and harsh words. But at the end of it all, after the tears I shed, I am okay. I know my worth, know what I want, and what I deserve.
Lately, I was feeling in control of my life, despite ups and downs with my every day health leading to some issues at work, but over all I was waking up happy, going to bed exhausted from accomplishing things. Then I let my guard down, I met someone tall, dark haired, handsome, funny … He appeared great on paper, even loved his family, was close to them, had a long standing job – I let myself go. I fantasized, I went way out of my comfort level only to learn I don’t want a pot-smoking man in his 50s, who runs away at the first hint of conflict, and who may or may not still be in love with his ex-wife. I spent the past few days sad, hurt, stung by his harsh words only to realize that I assisted in the demise of the fantasy. I tested him when I should have just let it go. I pushed, when I should have just let it go. I wanted another chance to make it work, to see where it could go, when I should have just let it go.
Learning that I am getting better at seeing people clearly, so as to not waste my time too much. But even when I knew he wasn’t for me, I tried because when he took my hand those few times, I felt something I haven’t felt in years. It felt right. I tried to base a relationship on that. Yes. Insanity at its best. I clearly see that now. I thought it was something not to be ignored. But chemistry doesn’t make a relationship. I logically get this.
Well I finally took my rose colored glasses off, broke them, threw them forever away. When the very man you thought you were falling for, curses at you, something breaks, and it wasn’t my heart this time, it was expectations. I tend to expect people to be nice, solely because I am trying so hard to be civil, to be forgiving, to be nice. Well I no longer want to be the doormat. I no longer want to be so forgiving, accepting. That famous adage, “If you can’t change the circumstances, change your perspective” – could not ring any more true this weekend.
In a relationship, you cannot be the puppeteer. People have their own emotions, behaviors, actions, beliefs, scars, wounds, fears, dreams, and perspectives. They are their own person. As I am. I so wanted this relationship to be something that it could never be.
When I meet people, there are certain expectations, like being treated well or being respected. Yet sometimes we find ourselves in relationships that don’t mirror what we anticipate to happen. We may feel hurt or used. That was where I found myself this past week going into this weekend.
We cannot expect other people to treat us as we would treat them. We cannot assume anything or force change upon someone who clearly demonstrates he or she is stuck in his or her own way. When someone is incapable of listening, hearing, understanding what I was trying to convey, share, and only managed to twist all into their way of thinking, rejecting me along the way, sure it was hard, but liberating at the same time. Lessons learned the very hard way…again. When this man got mad, he was no longer attractive to me. I felt such a sadness. I could do nothing but cry. I think it wasn’t just for my dashed hopes but for him as well, I could sense a pain in him that I would never reach. I wanted to hug him and make it all better. But I can’t keep trying to fix broken people, when I am still broken myself. I am fully aware of this. When he cruelly often used the phrase, “sounds like a personal problem” well it was … sadly.
I am always so afraid of closing off my heart to new things, experiences, people for fear of being let down, disappointed again. But as I write this, my heart is wide open. With eyes full of clarity, I am capable of changing the relationships in my life by adjusting my point of view. Tired of being disappointed. I have to constantly reevaluate and adjust my expectations. I can’t assume that people will respond to things as I would; I can’t assume that one will care like I do; just as I can’t assume one thinks in a similar way as I do.
I was living in a brief fantasy land of my hopes, dreams, ideas, beliefs, expectations, and assumptions. And I was hurting myself most. Learning how to protect myself more, needing to change my perception from what I hope would happen to being more open to experiences for whatever may actually happen. It’s hard. But I know I need to let go of my expectations … with grace in my step, hope in my heart … no more rose colored glasses!