The Last….action….

Just finished watching the movie, “The Last Kiss”, with Zach Braff.

In the movie, Zach’s character, afraid and immature, makes a mistake and then apologizes to his girlfriend and to her dad. He says he’s sorry, and reassures them that he loves her. The dad looks him in the eye and says the best line of the movie that truly hits home:

“Stop talking about love. Every asshole in the world says he loves somebody. It means nothing. It still doesn’t mean anything. What you feel only matters to you. It’s what you do to the people you say you love, that’s what matters. It’s the only thing that counts.”

Actions!! Actions will always speak louder than words.

There is so much truth behind the line “What you feel only matters to you.” Think about it. What really counts is how we behave in the world, and sadly sometimes our actions do not measure up to our words. They can be out of sync. Our feelings or beliefs don’t make us better people, they don’t truly define who we are. Our actions and behavior do! I wish we could stop caring so much about what others believe; I wish we could stop trying to follow others in their beliefs; I wish more people who could just focus more on how to act accordingly in the every day moments. And understand that every action has a reaction.

Great music soundtrack. I love the group Coldplay and this song just resonates with me today….

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h8oTT9r9978

When The Truth Is, I Miss You
Yeah The Truth Is, That I Miss You So
And I’m Tired I Should Not Have Let You Go ♥


Walls

Its been said about me…”She’s strong because she knows what it’s like to be weak. She keeps a guard up because she knows what it’s like to cry herself to sleep.

I had to cut my vacation short and rush home. My step dad needs surgery. On our way to hospital earlier today, we were all so lost in our own thoughts of “what ifs” … and this song comes on … literally holding back tears. I am a stress mess.

I am exhausted, sleep deprived, running on fumes. I feel like I am in a bubble.

Girl meets boy; boy misunderstands and hurts girl; girl has no choice but to move on…

Isn’t that what building walls is all about? Trying to claim back your own strength in the face of adversity? Otherwise what reason to put up walls? It seems the higher the walls we put up, the greater the pain we have experienced in our past. I belong to the school of thought which believes that we, as humans, are hard-wired to persevere and fight back when our survival is at risk – not just our physical survival but our mental and emotional survival as well. When situations bring us to a point where we feel that we have been brought to our knees emotionally, we will fight back in order to get through it and find ourselves again. We will likely be extra sensitive, we will have our guard up, we will cry ourselves to sleep, and we will build walls. It is part and parcel in the healing process. Ideally, we will also push through our pain and come out the other side both stronger and more self-aware. We will survive, and if we want to live a full life, we will hopefully get to the point of allowing ourselves to trust again. (Gia)

“Yeah, I’ll be okay.” I type…And the tears fall, silently down my cheeks.


I often miss this little girl…whose dreams had no barriers, who believed in a world where anything is possible. with a heart that was full and unbroken.

IMG_20140713_181350


Turn Me On

Somehow I’ve ended up watching Love Actually in the middle of summer! ♥ it!!!

Best soundtrack! I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes… Love. Actually….

Like a flower waiting to bloom
Like a lightbulb in a dark room
I’m just sitting here waiting for you
To come on home and turn me on

Like the desert waiting for the rain
Like a school kid waiting for the spring
Im just sitting here waiting for you
To come on home and turn me on

My poor heart it’s been so dark
Since you’ve been gone
After all you’re the one who turns me off
You’re the only one who can turn me back on

My hi-fi is waiting for a new tune
My glass is waiting for some fresh ice cubes
I’m just sitting here waiting for you
To come on home and turn me on
Turn me on…♥

love


Alone….

Everyone is walking on the edge of life
Like the ghosts that are shattered, barely alive
Even time’s in a rush
But it’s going nowhere

Everyone’s connected but no one is connecting
The human element has long been missing
Tell me, have you seen it?
Have you seen it?

Or are we alone?
‘Cause I need something to believe in
Tell me, are we alone?
Where is the love? Where is the feeling?
Is anybody out there?
Is anyone listening?
Is anyone left in this whole world?
Or are we alone?
Alone…

Where is the feeling?

Everybody needs to know
Somebody who cares, just a friendly face
You can trust who’ll be there, I’m too afraid to be known
And not be a stranger

‘Cause everyone’s connected but no one is connecting
The human element has long been missing
Tell me, have you seen it?
Have you seen it?

Or are we alone?
‘Cause I need something to believe in
Tell me, are we alone?
Where is the love? Where is the feeling?
Is anybody out there?
Is anyone listening?
Is anyone left in this whole world?
Or are we alone?
Alone…

Is anyone left in this whole world?
Or are we alone?
Alone…
♥♥♥


If I Don’t Tell You Now …

One of my favorite lines from my early movie today:

Look, that night was as much a surprise to me as it was to you. But being with you was like going to a place that I had never been before. And after you fell asleep I just laid there, staring up at those cheap fluorescent stars you have stuck on your ceiling, and – after a while they just started forming a pattern, this weird glow-in-the-dark pattern that linked together our entire relationship. And for the first time everything seemed clear to me – like one logical progression. It felt like you and I were the greatest plan ever made and I had nothing to do with it. Being with you made me feel that maybe I didn’t have to keep planning anymore because it felt like I was actually living. And that for once in my life I wouldn’t have to work so hard at being happy. That it could just happen. Nothing will ever hurt me as much as your reaction to that same experience.

Love this song:

Ooh ooh oh yeah
I kept it inside for the longest time and I can’t keep keeping it
All this love that’s inside of my heart
Maybe it’s safer not to say that I care
Maybe this road won’t lead me anywhere
But if I don’t tell you now (if I don’t tell you now)
I may never get the chance again (I may never get the chance again)
To tell you that I need you, tell you what I’m feeling
If I keep these feelings in
And if I don’t say the words (if I don’t say the words)
How will you hear what’s inside my heart
How will you know then
If I don’t tell you now

Ohhh
I’d do anything to be in your dreams and I can’t stand standing by
With this dream that’s inside my heart(heart)
Maybe I’m only gonna make a mistake
And there’s a chance maybe my heart will break

But if I don’t tell you now (if I don’t tell you now)
I may never get the chance again (I may never get the chance again)
To tell you that I need you, tell you what I’m feeling
If I keep these feelings in
And if I don’t say the words (if I don’t say the words)
How will you hear what’s inside my heart
How will you know then
If I don’t tell you now

Ooooooh
How will you know you’re inside my soul
Oh it’s driving me crazy
Cause you don’t see, you’re the world to me
I’m so afraid to see
The way that I feel for you

If I don’t tell you now (if I don’t tell you now)
I may never get the chance again (I may never get the chance again)
To tell you that I need you, tell you what I’m feeling
If I keep these feelings in
And if I don’t say the words (if I don’t say the words)
How will you hear what’s inside my heart
How will you know then
If I don’t tell you now

Ohhhh ohhhh
If I don’t tell you now…


Words…

Words…words…words…

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me!
Do you remember hearing this as a child? How many times did we recite these very words? Countless…. However, over the course of my life, I never realized how wrong that little tune was. As a child, I grew up in a very dysfunctional home. I am still living a nightmare with my bi-polar mother. She still takes no personal responsibility for anything. She continues in her world of blame and ridicule, and her words cut like a knife. It breaks my heart how she treats me, but also my 76 year old step-father. She stops talking to him, caring for him; her silence is deafening and further alienates. I see the light leave his eyes, he tells me his heart hurts. She doesn’t care what her words, her actions, her lack of words do to those around her – only trying to understand, accept and love her. My heart is broken. . I became the pawn between my mom and dad. That is not a very nice place to be. The only other emotion I feel is anger.

I just spent the last two hours crying my eyes out. My mother has been unbearable lately and I just don’t know how much more I can take. My life is just falling apart…I am on the edge, falling; the seams are frayed beyond repair…I don’t see even a flicker at the end…

I am so sick of being a punching bag. There are times, too many – too often, the words that come out of her mouth are appalling. I have been hurt too often and for far too long from my mother. There has always been a small voice deep inside of me that tells me, I need to run away. I know there comes a time in one’s life when you should realize you just can’t help them any longer. I know that time for me is near. I know I need a break, and although I already feel immense guilt, I will have to find the time and strength to cut her out of my life.

Sticks and stones may break my bones…but words can also hurt and haunt me. Sticks and stones break only skin, while words are ghosts that haunt me. Pain from words has left its scar on my mind as well as on my heart. Forever. I am so raw, so tender, even scared. Cuts and bruises heal, but words, words will haunt me…I will remember.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but names will never hurt me,” could not be further from the truth. Each one of us has at one time or other been on the receiving end of hurtful words. Make no mistake about it – those painful words not only hurt, they also change us forever. While broken bones can heal in time, words filled with rage, bullying, belittling and scoffing never heal. Even with therapy, time and knowledge – hurtful words remain for a life-time.

“Watch your thoughts; they become words. Watch your words; they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits. Watch your habits, they become character. Watch your character; it becomes your destiny.” Frank Outlaw.

I pray. I cry. I hope.

sticks

words


Feels Like Home ♥

“Feels Like Home”

Something in your eyes
Makes me want to lose myself
Makes me want to lose myself
In your arms

There’s something in your voice
Makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts
The rest of my life

If you knew how lonely my life has been
And how low I’ve felt for so long
If you knew how I wanted someone
To come along
And change my life the way you’ve done

Feels like home to me
Feels like home to me
Feels like I’m all the way back where I come from
Feels like home to me
Feels like home to me
Feels like I’m all the way back where I belong

A window breaks
Down a long dark street
And a siren wails in the night
But I’m alright ’cause I have you here with me
And I can almost see
Through the dark there’s a light

If you knew how much this moment
Means to me
And how long I’ve waited for your touch
If you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought I’d love anyone so much

Feels like home to me
Feels like home to me
Feels like I’m all the way back
Where I come from
Feels like home to me
Feels like home to me
Feels like I’m all the way back where I belong
Feels like I’m all the way back where I belong


Just how I am feeling….

…this second….It’s time we all stopped hiding from life, and said yes to the adventure of being alive.  Enough of the routine already. Go on…I dare you, myself – to have an adventure – do what you always wanted deep within your heart. Do what brings you alive, and the universe will open doors where there were only walls.  Gotta believe.  Don’t give up HOPE. Tomorrow is bound to be better.  We just have to go out there…make it happen!  ♥


“All I Want”

All I want is nothing more
To hear you knocking at my door
‘Cause if I could see your face once more
I could die a happy man I’m sure

When you said your last goodbye
I died a little bit inside
I lay in tears in bed all night
Alone without you by my side

But If you loved me
Why’d you leave me?
Take my body
Take my body
All I want is,
And all I need is
To find somebody.
I’ll find somebody like you.

Oooohhhh ohhh

So you brought out the best of me,
A part of me I’d never seen.
You took my soul and wiped it clean.
Our love was made for movie screens.

But If you loved me
Why’d you leave me?
Take my body,
Take my body.
All I want is,
And all I need is
To find somebody.
I’ll find somebody.

Ooooohhhhhh

If you loved me
Why’d you leave me?
Take my body,
Take my body.
All I want is,
All I need is
To find somebody.
I’ll find somebody like you.

Oooohhh …. ♥


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